Quality comebacks

[Lamp]

Looking for high quality one liner come-backs to pull out when required.

You know the type of situation. A bunch of you is down the pub. Someone says something to / about you in front of everyone else and you just wish you had a quality funny come back.

Of course you could always deck him...

Examples

Comment: You can't stop smoking. You got no willpower.
Response: Don't talk to me about willpower. You think Will Power won Pop Idol.

Comment: Hey fatso !
Response: Look pal, the only reason I'm so fat is cos everytime I fuck your Mum in the ass she gives me a cookie.

Anyone got some good ones ?

 

[tris-]

your mum is a slag.

 

[Lamp]

Hmm...

Anyone got any amusing ones ?

 

[Gamah]

Hmm...

Anyone got any amusing ones ?

no.

 

[evzy]

No I am not pleased to see you and yes that is a gun in my pocket.

 

[Kasall]

I'm a manager of a kids football team and sometimes you get an old person walking by with thier dog and you get,

Are the lads playing footy mate....
No mate they are playing soccer...
Oh are they....ok

What's the score ?
1 each
Who is winning....

 

[Marc]

If a fat bird has a go at you reply with

"jesus love, looks like you were poured into that dress and forgot to say when"

The best evercome back though was from winston churchill when he was drunk

Woman (to churchill) "look at the state of you, you are blind drunk"
Churchill (to woman) "so, your ugly but I will be sober in the morning"

 

[Cozak]

Churchill also had another good one where some woman said to him:

'If I was your wife I would put poison in your tea!'

Chruchill replied with:
'Dear, if you were my wife I would drink it'

The wording may be wrong but you get the idea. That man was a Legend

 

[Elkie]

Woman (to churchill) "look at the state of you, you are blind drunk"
Churchill (to woman) "so, your ugly but I will be sober in the morning"

ffs i was going to put that ><

 

[Bugz]

Bugz: you create 500 billion topics a day lamp you turd
Lamp: i am a turd.

 

[evzy]

Some meathead once walked up to a mate of mine in a club and asked him if he had a problem - my mate replied "yeah a lack of world peace and bra's that don't fit"

My mate told me he woke up about 2/3mins later looking up at the ceiling...

Sometimes it pays to choose when to unleash teh one-liners..

 

[Ormorof]

someone once said to me "you've got a really big head..."

i replied "yeah but its not half as big as my ego!"

 

[Bugz]

someone once said to me "you've got a really big head..."

i replied "yeah but its not half as big as my ego!"

They went up to you and said that?

What happened to the 'your mum is a slag' crap?

 

[Ormorof]

They went up to you and said that?

What happened to the 'your mum is a slag' crap?

well we were having a discussion and i kinda winding the guy up

 

[old.Tohtori]

Looking for high quality one liner come-backs to pull out when required.

The good question here is, why? You got pwned in a bar by a witmeister?

 

[Overdriven]

Spoiler

Atleast I didn't fix the Special Olympics... And still lose