one liners

[Ezteq]

i accedentaly sat on my hand the other day, boy did i feel a twat!



your turn.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

There's only so much abuse I can take before it's your turn madam, and for that I'll need my paddle.

 

[Vladamir]

Laddeys a c*nt

 

[old.Tohtori]

A man is only worth what he can reach, or what else is a penis for.

 

[soze]

All stolen from a email.

Two blondes walk into a building...... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering maching message - '... if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key...'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, i can clearly see you're nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but i couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and i bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelft. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. a strong current pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

Two elephants walk off a cliff..... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So i was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

 

[pikeh]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, i can clearly see you're nuts.'


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

hey! they are mine!
by mine, I mean Tommy Cooper.

 

[soze]

hey! they are mine!
by mine, I mean Tommy Cooper.

Seeing as the email was Tommy Cooper one liners its a good bet they all are but i stole them with no guilt

 

[Ezteq]

i was sexually abused by ronnie corbett...it made me feel a little funny


Nitrous oxide...it's a gas!

 

[Castus]

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

 

[Lamp]

I had a premonition of deja-vu

 

[Imgormiel]

Laddeys a c*nt

Good Sir, you undervalue our nuts, give cnut imo!

 

[swords]

Boobies are awesome.

 

[Binky the Bomb]

"I believe in the power of suggestion. Now I suggest you go fuck yourself with something rusty and sharp." - Bink the Bomb (as Elohssa in WoW).

 

[Laddey]

Laddeys a c*nt

haha, i will use that when im next on the pull!

 

[russell]

Great thread ezteq- lol just LOL xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Edmond]

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you’.


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from".

Tim Vine

 

[Edmond]

...and a few more

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".


I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, he's trying to pull a fast one.


You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.



Tim Vine (again)

 

[Bahumat]

Why whatever suntan your hands get, and whatever lack of exposure your cock gets to the sun...are they the same colour?

 

[Bleeker]

you spend 9 months of your life trying to get out of the p*ssy and the rest of it trying to get in.




(hopefully not the same one ofc)

 

[Bahumat]

you spend 9 months of your life trying to get out of the p*ssy and the rest of it trying to get in.




(hopefully not the same one ofc)

You Swedes and your incest loving!

 

[Bleeker]

You Swedes and your incest loving!

family love >>>>>> all

 

[Bahumat]

family love >>>>>> all

 

[Binky the Bomb]

I made a deal with my girlfriend, as long as she always has bigger tits than me, we're good.

 

[CorNokZ]

The closer they are to nill, the more you'll fill!

 

[Ezteq]

im not sure about the guy sat next to me at the moment, either he's a sikh or theres a sniper on the roof opposite getting ready to take his head off.

i called the council to tell them about a hole in the road outside my house, they said they'd send someone to look in to it.

my friend just died in a car accedent, he was driving a polo and fell out the hole in the middle

im trying to understand my boyfrineds fettish about anal sex, i just cant get to the bottom of it

 

[Binky the Bomb]

People should not be treated like object, their not that valuable.

 

[old.Tohtori]

You can't always get what you want, but sometimes would be nice.

Thinking too much here.

 

[Lamp]

You never get a 2nd chance to make a first impression

(very true)

 

[swords]

Charlie brooker is right about everything.

 

[Ezteq]

theres no I in team!...but there sure is a U in c*nt