Ok, I need help, like, now, pleeaasseee

[adari]

Can some1 check this text I wrote palease? xD

Im mainly not sure about my usage of the word 'practising' and about the last paragraph

and im so tired :<

In short, xenotransplantation is a term used to describe the replacement of human organs or cells with organs or cells from animals. Xenotransplantation is still being researched and developed in Britain and Holland, though actually using and practising xenotransplantation has been forbidden in Europe. This is obviously because it’s not entirely safe yet. There are few large risks of transferring organs from, for example, pigs, to human bodies.

First of all, an animal organ can cause horrible infections that are still not treatable today. An organ from a pig can carry loads of bacteria’s, viruses and moulds that will spread through a human body within a couple of hours, and most of these infections and diseases are contagious, which means that one individual, who’s had one of his internal organs replaced with an organ from an animal, will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans. This is obviously something that has to be sorted before xenotransplantation will ever be allowed to practise. I reckon that it’s just a matter of spending lots time on research and development before our scientists will be able to advanced enough to sort out this problem.

Secondly, another problem that has yet to be solved before xenotransplantation will even be considered legalizing is the fact that human bodies usually instantly resist and repel organs from animals. This has got something to do with the structure of the cells that organs from animals have. Apparently, this structure differs from the structure of cells human organs have, hence a human body will most likely resist or repel an organ from an animal within a couple of minutes if the human body does not get the proper medication that has a chance of preventing the human body from not accepting an organ form an animal. However, this kind of medication does not work properly most of the time, and it has yet to be fully researched as well as xenotransplantation itself. Another downside of this medication is that it lowers a human body’s physical resistance significantly, which means that the infections and diseases an animal organ carries will be much more easy to get, and they will also be much more lethal. Researchers claim that they will be able to manipulate the structure of animal cells with laser treatment, in the future.

Thirdly, at the moment, an animal organ will last for 10 or 11 years only, which means that they will have to be replaced a lot throughout a humans life. Each time there will be the risks I described before, and each time it will be harder for a humans body to survive these highly complicated medical operations.

But at least researching and developing xenotransplantation will be quite rewarding in the future.

Researchers claim that they will be able to genetically manipulate animals and their organs to provide better organs in the future for human bodies.

Apart from that it will obviously minimize the waiting lists of people waiting for organ donation, xenotransplantation will save a lot of lives, and it will surely give lots of people hope for a better life.

Also, there will be plenty of animal organs, which will speed up the process of finding an organ and getting it implemented in a human body.

It’s clear that xenotransplantation will be of great use in the future, xenotransplantation will not only help humans survive, xenotransplantation will most likely also be the gateway to new revolutionary medical breakthroughs. But for now, the only way to achieve using and practising xenotransplantation without any risks is to research it for lots and lots of time.

 

[Aoami]

Oki, the first line, maybe replace "This is obviously because" with something like "This is due to the fact that..."

Sentence after that doesn't make sense.

Then you start the second paragraph with "First of all" but havn't said what you're explaining.

In the first paragraph it says "will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans.". Infectious should be Infections?

"This is obviously something that has to be sorted before xenotransplantation will ever be allowed to practise" - Should it not be, "will ever allowed to be practised" ? Might be you being all scientifical

Second Paragraph. - "will even be considered legalizing " - this should be something like "will even be considerd becoming legalised"?

Third paragraph - Avoid the use of "a lot".


Thats all i can see with these tired eyes.

 

[Conchabar]

right i'll help u by saying no

 

[adari]

Originally posted by Aoami
Oki, the first line, maybe replace "This is obviously because" with something like "This is due to the fact that..."

Sentence after that doesn't make sense.

Then you start the second paragraph with "First of all" but havn't said what you're explaining.

In the first paragraph it says "will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans.". Infectious should be Infections?

Third paragraph - Avoid the use of "a lot".

thx, i can see your points

im trying to explain the risks of xenotransplantation adn indeed that last sentence of the first paragraph sooks

 

[Cap'n Sissyfoo]

I have no need for a male sex slave. If you were a chick then we could have come to some arrangement but as you ain't...

 

[adari]

"In short, xenotransplantation is a term used to describe the replacement of human organs or cells with organs or cells from animals. Xenotransplantation is still being researched and developed in Britain and Holland, though actually using and practising xenotransplantation has been forbidden in Europe. This is due to the fact that it's not entirely safe yet. Xenotransplantion is very risky, I'll describe the most important issues."

would that be better?

 

[Aoami]

Poifect

 

[adari]

Kk cheers

 

[samildanachh]

ok.

In short, xenotransplantation is a term used to describe the replacement of human organs or cells with organs or cells from animals.

uve repeated oragans and cells to twice, it doesnt sound good, try rephraising the 2nd use of it so it doesnt sound the same.

then when u say___,using and practising xenotransplantation has been forbidden in Europe.

change to usage and practice of..........

and ye change obviously to something more formal like how was suggested above.

There are few large risks of transferring organs from, for example, pigs, to human bodies

perhaps change to, there are a variety of sizeable risks involved, for example, pigs, to human bodies.

Also, dont start each of ur paragraphs with firsty,secondly etc it makes for poor reading. perhaps add more vairety to the intro of each paragraph. e.g start with, Factor xx is bla bla bla.

in ur 1st reason parapgraph replace the word 'loads' with something more formal.

An organ from a pig can carry loads of bacteria’s, viruses and moulds that will spread through a human body within a couple of hours, and most of these infections and diseases are contagious, which means that one individual, who’s had one of his internal organs replaced with an organ from an animal, will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans.

above sentance is way too long. break it up into 2-3 sentances.

again. replace words obviously with summin more formal.

at bottom of 2nd paragraph, change i reckon to i belive and but 'of' in between 'lots' and time.

k thats sum but im tired now, hoped it helped.

 

[samildanachh]

also in a formal essay like yours avoid saying this like who's and that's to say that is, for example.

 

[swords]

the reason the organs are rejected is because normally the body would recognise the antigens of the organs cells as being foreign and it would think the body is under attack, as if a bacteria had entered your body.

instead of talking about shapes, its more scientifically correct but its not too detailed that it looks like your a prof of Cell Biology.

lose lots of the lots

at the end suggest that if perfected these organs would be able to sustain a man for a number of years more than he would without them, and that if perfected the risks would be identical to that of a normal Transplant.

I also have doubt about the diseases being spread from the organs to humans since these will be produced in a sterile environment to prevent such an occurance, also they should be screened before they will ever allow them to be used commertially.

apart from that its just grammer and using the word lots lots

 

[Aoami]

listen to Samil, he's more awake than i am

 

[adari]

Re: Re: Ok, I need help, like, now, pleeaasseee

Originally posted by samildanachh
ok.

In short, xenotransplantation is a term used to describe the replacement of human organs or cells with organs or cells from animals.

uve repeated oragans and cells to twice, it doesnt sound good, try rephraising the 2nd use of it so it doesnt sound the same.

then when u say___,using and practising xenotransplantation has been forbidden in Europe.

change to usage and practice of..........

and ye change obviously to something more formal like how was suggested above.

There are few large risks of transferring organs from, for example, pigs, to human bodies

perhaps change to, there are a variety of sizeable risks involved, for example, pigs, to human bodies.

Also, dont start each of ur paragraphs with firsty,secondly etc it makes for poor reading. perhaps add more vairety to the intro of each paragraph. e.g start with, Factor xx is bla bla bla.

in ur 1st reason parapgraph replace the word 'loads' with something more formal.

An organ from a pig can carry loads of bacteria’s, viruses and moulds that will spread through a human body within a couple of hours, and most of these infections and diseases are contagious, which means that one individual, who’s had one of his internal organs replaced with an organ from an animal, will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans.

above sentance is way too long. break it up into 2-3 sentances.

again. replace words obviously with summin more formal.

at bottom of 2nd paragraph, change i reckon to i belive and but 'of' in between 'lots' and time.

k thats sum but im tired now, hoped it helped.

That will help a lot, gonna rewrite it now, thanks :great:

 

[del_eneste]

Wow alot of people want Adari as their sex slave

 

[samildanachh]

im dreaming of what he could do with his bow to me

anyway time for me to sleep- maybe got work tomorrow

 

[old.Dillinja]

I was gonna help but the sex slave bit scared me away, sorry.

 

[adari]

Ocond wrote me a state of the art introduction

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people across the world fall critically ill, and require hospital treatment. Heart disease is one of Europe’s biggest killers, It causes sufferers and their families a great deal of stress and anguish, with the threat of death ever looming. Heart disease however is treatable, the removal of the old organ, or a faulty valve can often put a stop to the problem, or at least prolong the patients lifetime. However this would obviously require a mass of replacement organs, and unfortunately the supply doesn’t match the demand.

 

[old.Dillinja]

There's a misplaced capital letter in there somewhere, capital letters don't come after commas.

 

[adari]

who cares, i have to actually learn this and say all this to my teacher tomorrow ;/

 

[old.Dillinja]

Lucky you.

 

[adari]

i know

 

[Coim-]

Well... I'm bored... so I decided to actually try and help. Can't be bothered checking if any of these things have been mentioned before...

In short, xenotransplantation is a term used to describe the replacement of human organs or cells with organs or cells from animals. Xenotransplantation is still being researched and developed in Britain and Holland, though actually using and practising xenotransplantation has been forbidden in Europe. This is obviously because it’s not entirely safe yet. There are few large risks of transferring organs from, for example, pigs, to human bodies.

Not too bad, except... "though actually" could just be shortened to "though", (I think) it sounds better. "This is obviously because it's not entirely safe yet"... that's not the best way to get your point across. Something along the lines of "The reason for this is because...", or something like that. Also, the way you said "There are few large risks...", that could be worded slightly better. Perhaps "There are many risks involved when...".

First of all, an animal organ can cause horrible infections that are still not treatable today. An organ from a pig can carry loads of bacteria’s, viruses and moulds that will spread through a human body within a couple of hours, and most of these infections and diseases are contagious, which means that one individual, who’s had one of his internal organs replaced with an organ from an animal, will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans. This is obviously something that has to be sorted before xenotransplantation will ever be allowed to practise. I reckon that it’s just a matter of spending lots time on research and development before our scientists will be able to advanced enough to sort out this problem.

Well, "First of all" sounds such a high school opening to a paragraph. I see it quite a lot in my school... and it annoys me. Also, "horrible", again... far too mediocre use of language. Try finding a word more... scientific, or graphic. "Loads". NEVER USE THAT WORD! It's like signing your own death certificate. There's plenty of words that are much more suited to that sentence than "loads". Try to avoid saying things such as "who's", sounds good when talking casually, but in a formal essay... doesn't really fit in. Again... "obviously", not really the best choice of language. I assume the person you are writing this for, already knows the complications of xenotransplantation, and saying "obviously" to someone who already knows the facts is never good. Particularly concerned about this part of text... "before xenotransplantation will ever be allowed to practise". Xenotransplantation doesn't practice, it is practiced. Although, saying "before xenotransplantation will ever be allowed to be practiced" really doesn't sound good, so you might want to think of another word in place of practice. "Reckon" = BIG nono! Giving your opinion is a good idea, but using "reckon" just ruins it. Also, using "lots" is almost the same as "loads". It fits, but there's plenty of words that would sound so much better in there. "research and development before our scientists will be able to advanced enough to sort out this problem", that should be "research and development before our scientists will be able to be advanced enough to sort out this problem", but that doesn't really sound too good. Perhaps something like... "research and development before our scientists will have the technology to solve this problem"?

Secondly, another problem that has yet to be solved before xenotransplantation will even be considered legalizing is the fact that human bodies usually instantly resist and repel organs from animals. This has got something to do with the structure of the cells that organs from animals have. Apparently, this structure differs from the structure of cells human organs have, hence a human body will most likely resist or repel an organ from an animal within a couple of minutes if the human body does not get the proper medication that has a chance of preventing the human body from not accepting an organ form an animal. However, this kind of medication does not work properly most of the time, and it has yet to be fully researched as well as xenotransplantation itself. Another downside of this medication is that it lowers a human body’s physical resistance significantly, which means that the infections and diseases an animal organ carries will be much more easy to get, and they will also be much more lethal. Researchers claim that they will be able to manipulate the structure of animal cells with laser treatment, in the future.

The start of the first sentence is pretty good, but then you've got "usually" and "instantly" together. Two adjectives together never really sounds smooth. "This has got something to do with the structure of the cells that organs from animals have" could maybe be changed to something like "This is due to the structures of the cells that organs from animals have". Although that doesn't really sound too good, but it's all I can think of off the top of my head. "Apparently" suggests you are not clear of the facts, and if you've researched this correctly, you should be. "this structure differs from the structure of cells human organs have, hence a human body will most likely resist or repel an organ from an animal within a couple of minutes if the human body does not get the proper medication that has a chance of preventing the human body from not accepting an organ form an animal", well... "resist" and "repel" pretty much mean the same thing, maybe try using only one of those words. The rest of the sentence needs punctuation, and lots of it. It's far too long, needs to be split up. I can't really explain it... but that whole sentence really needs looking at. "However, this kind of medication does not work properly most of the time", "most of the time" seems such a strange choice of language in a formal essay, sounds so primary schoolish. "significantly, which means that the infections and diseases an animal organ carries will be much more easy to get", think about maybe putting a full stop after significantly, instead of a comma. Also, use something like "will be much easier to contract (?)". "and they will also be much more lethal", maybe "and they will also be more dangerous/harmful", sometimes simple language fits better than long, complicated words. "Researchers claim that they will be able to manipulate the structure of animal cells with laser treatment, in the future", needs switching around to "Researchers claim that in the future, they will be able to manipulate the structure of animal cells with laser treatment.

Thirdly, at the moment, an animal organ will last for 10 or 11 years only, which means that they will have to be replaced a lot throughout a humans life. Each time there will be the risks I described before, and each time it will be harder for a humans body to survive these highly complicated medical operations.

You've really got to stop using "Firstly, secondly, thirdly" etc. The use of secondly in your second paragraph was fine, but you're starting to overdo it a little. "At the moment" could maybe be changed to "at this point in time", "an animal organ will last for 10 or 11 years only" should be switched round to "an animal organ will only last for 10 or 11 years". Possibly a full stop there, and open the next sentence with "This", instead of "which"? Again, avoid the word "lot" like the plague. The rest of the paragraph looks ok.

But at least researching and developing xenotransplantation will be quite rewarding in the future.

Never open a sentence with "But". It can be done, but only in certain circumstances, and this isn't one of them. "Quite rewarding" doesn't really sound too good, maybe "will possibly be rewarding in the future".

Researchers claim that they will be able to genetically manipulate animals and their organs to provide better organs in the future for human bodies.

Organs twice in one sentence doesn't sound too uber. I'm not sure of another word to use, but I'm sure you'll think of something. "Human bodies" can be shortened to "humans".

Apart from that it will obviously minimize the waiting lists of people waiting for organ donation, xenotransplantation will save a lot of lives, and it will surely give lots of people hope for a better life.

Try and avoid using obviously. I mentioned the reasons above. It's ok to use, but it's not an "OMGUBERL33T" word. "Minimize the waiting lists for organ donation" sounds better than the sentence you have at the moment. Open a new sentence with "Xenotransplantation", and change "better life" into something like... "better way of living"?

Also, there will be plenty of animal organs, which will speed up the process of finding an organ and getting it implemented in a human body.

That looks ok. I can't really be bothered to nit-pick, but you might want to switch the comma after organs for a full stop, and change "which" for "this". Maybe consider changing "and getting it implemented in a human body" to "and getting it transplanted in to a human body"?

It’s clear that xenotransplantation will be of great use in the future, xenotransplantation will not only help humans survive, xenotransplantation will most likely also be the gateway to new revolutionary medical breakthroughs. But for now, the only way to achieve using and practising xenotransplantation without any risks is to research it for lots and lots of time.

Full stop after future. Change "xenotransplantation will not only help humans survive" to "It will not only help humans survive"? "xenotransplantation will most likely also be the gateway to new revolutionary medical breakthroughs", "xenotransplantation will most likely be the gateway to new, revolutionary, medical breakthroughs"? Using xenotransplantation 3 times in the space of a few words really doesn't look good. Again, never start a sentence with "but". Just leave it as "For now, the only way of using xenotransplantation without any risks is to research it for a lengthy period of time". "Lots and lots" really is primary school english.



Hope that helped, but what do I know, I'm just a school kid. ^^

 

[Coim-]

Oh, and run it through a spell checker of course. I didn't mention the spelling, capital letters, etc.

 

[Ekydus]

I could write you a new one, but that would be cheating, adari.

Scan over your current work... I can see errors as it is.

In short, xenotransplantation is a term used to describe the replacement of human organs or cells with organs or cells from animals. Xenotransplantation is still being researched and developed in Britain and Holland, though actually using and practising xenotransplantation has been forbidden in Europe. This is obviously because it’s not entirely safe yet. There are few large risks of transferring organs from, for example, pigs, to human bodies.

First of all, an animal organ can cause horrible infections that are still not treatable today. An organ from a pig can carry loads of bacteria’s, viruses and moulds that will spread through a human body within a couple of hours, and most of these infections and diseases are contagious, which means that one individual, who’s had one of his internal organs replaced with an organ from an animal, will be able to spread diseases and infectious amongst other humans. This is obviously something that has to be sorted before xenotransplantation will ever be allowed to practise. I reckon (Too colloquial - use "I believe") that it’s just a matter of spending lots time on research and development before our scientists will be able to advanced enough to sort out this problem.

Secondly, another problem that has yet to be solved before xenotransplantation will even be considered legalizing is the fact that human bodies usually instantly resist and repel organs from animals. This has got something to do with the structure of the cells that organs from animals have(This is to do, not "this has got something to do") (Again, in the next sentence - "According too science, this is to do...). Apparently, this structure differs from the structure of cells human organs have, hence a human body will most likely resist or repel an organ from an animal within a couple of minutes if the human body does not get the proper medication that has a chance of preventing the human body from not accepting an organ form an animal. (Woah! Put some grammar in there dude! Too long, can't breathe...) However, this kind of medication does not work properly most of the time, and it has yet to be fully researched as well as xenotransplantation itself. Another downside of this medication is that it lowers a human body’s physical resistance significantly, which means that the infections and diseases an animal organ carries will be much more easy to get, and they will also be much more lethal. Researchers claim that they will be able to manipulate the structure of animal cells with laser treatment, in the future.

Thirdly, at the moment, an animal organ will last for 10 or 11 years only, which means that they will have to be replaced a lot throughout a humans life. Each time there will be the risks I described before, and each time it will be harder for a humans body to survive these highly complicated medical operations.

But at least researching and developing xenotransplantation will be quite rewarding in the future.

Researchers claim that they will be able to genetically manipulate animals and their organs to provide better organs in the future for human bodies.

Apart from that it will obviously minimize the waiting lists of people waiting for organ donation, xenotransplantation will save a lot of lives, and it will surely give lots of people hope for a better life.

Also, there will be plenty of animal organs, which will speed up the process of finding an organ and getting it implemented in a human body.

It’s clear that xenotransplantation will be of great use in the future, xenotransplantation will not only help humans survive, xenotransplantation will most likely also be the gateway to new revolutionary medical breakthroughs. But for now, the only way to achieve using and practising xenotransplantation without any risks is to research it for lots and lots of time.

I've pointed out the major faults there. As said, be more formal and knowledgable in your essay. "Firstly", "Secondly", "Thirdly" etc. are just too colloquial and informal, you need to modify this a bit.

As for the actual content, you can talk about the issues to do with animal rights. You cannot take a heart out of a dead pig, for example, the heart has to come from somewhere and the pig in question isn't going to be too happy about it. However, you have the cell growth research; where they grow living tissue over a shape... Research the rat with the ear on it's back for further reference etc.

I can't really help much more at short notice, and I'm pretty tired as it is.

 

[adari]

Thanks for the great help Coim- and Eky Thanks a lot, they postponed my exam to next week cos of some1 dieing or soemthing, so ive got plenty of time to redo everything ;d

Cheers :wub:

 

[adari]

you all made me feel worthless though =P

 

[swords]

Adari you couldnt write an essay if your life depended on it

 

[leoric]

If I had any idea what he was on about I think I'd like it! Sounds good to me!

 

[adari]

Originally posted by swords
the reason the organs are rejected is because normally the body would recognise the antigens of the organs cells as being foreign and it would think the body is under attack, as if a bacteria had entered your body.

instead of talking about shapes, its more scientifically correct but its not too detailed that it looks like your a prof of Cell Biology.

lose lots of the lots

at the end suggest that if perfected these organs would be able to sustain a man for a number of years more than he would without them, and that if perfected the risks would be identical to that of a normal Transplant.

I also have doubt about the diseases being spread from the organs to humans since these will be produced in a sterile environment to prevent such an occurance, also they should be screened before they will ever allow them to be used commertially.

apart from that its just grammer and using the word lots lots

Kk ;P Well my english teacher knows jack shit of this subject so I can pretty much say anything id like, hence my info is partly made up and partly from 4 year old articles

 

[Coim-]

Originally posted by adari
Thanks for the great help Coim- and Eky Thanks a lot, they postponed my exam to next week cos of some1 dieing or soemthing, so ive got plenty of time to redo everything ;d

Cheers :wub:

No problem.