Obsidans' sub-forum #1 : JOKES

[Obsidian]

Ok just bored doing a biggggg DL so im setting up the mini-joke forum

1.
Q. How do u make a ham roll?

A.Push a pig down a mountainside!

LLLAME

Q.What do you do if you come across an elephant?

A. Wipe it off and apologise!

LLLAME

OK need good jokes , just reply em to here

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[Obsidian]
Phil Booth
International man of mystery......


PS arg i spelt my name wrong in the title and i cant edit it out

LOL

[This message has been edited by Obsidian (edited 31 May 1999).]

 

[Fra]

Q.What do u call 100 lepers in a swimming pool?

A.Porridge.

One quiet Tuesday afternoon a barman is going about his job just generally tidying up as there is no-one in at all.Finally one guy turns up , walks straight to the Bar and asks for 5 Aftershocks. Barman looks a bit baffled cuz the guy doesnt seem to be waitng for anyone so he asks if they are all for him. The guy says they are as he is kinda celebrating hi first blowjob.The barman decides to buy the guy a sixth as his congratulations as well, but they guy says he couldnt , and anyway 5 should be enuff to get the taste outta his mouth.

damn i had a headful'o'jokes last nite and i cant remeber anymore(probably best anyway)

Fra

 

[Fra]

ooh one more

Q.Whats pink and melts in ur mouth?

A.A lepers dick

(u all kinda gettin the picture as to what kinda girls were in my company last nite, yes all these jokes so far where told by girls)

Fra

 

[father jack]

did you hear about the suicidal seal?

it went into a bar and asked for a canadian club on the rocks

 

[Obsidian]

LOL Fra

A horse walks into a saloon in the wild west,
suddenly a fight breaks out and the horse is shot dead and his tail shot off.
He goes up to the gates of heaven and asks if he can get in , the head angel says "no we cant let you in here because you need to be complete , im sending you back to earth to recover your tail"
So off he goes back to the bar and asks the barkeep if he had found his tail.
The barman says yeah I have your tail, but
I can't give it back to you.
The horse asks why not?
The barkeep says "im sorry but im not licenced to re-tail spirits. ;D

GROAAAAAAAAN

------------------
[Obsidian]
Phil Booth
International man of mystery......

 

[Fra]

Sorry another

4Nuns driving along in their mini get wipered out by a hude truck...bang instantly dead. So they all line up at the gates to heaven waitning to see St.Peter.
fisrt nun walks up and is aked by peter...well did u lead good life...yes peter of course,mass every Sunday etc etc.
have u ever seen a man's penis he asks...err yes she replies....and what did u do??? Sorry but i touched it!!.....What???go and wash ur hands in that holy water rite away b4 u come back to me.
so off she goes and washes her hands and joins the back of the queue with the other nuns.
Pretty much the same happens to the 2nd nun....ever seen a mans penis ??? ...yes.....stroked it, sorry St.Peter....so she goes and washes her hands too.
Suddenly St.Peter hears an almighty ruckus going on at the bottom of the gates to heaven and goes down to investigate. He finds the 3rd and 4th nuns kickin the sweet fuck clean out of eachother, eventually he pulls them apart and asks what it was all about?
3rd nun speaks up and says...
"I wanted to gargle the water b4 that dirty bitch stuck her arse in it"

Fra

 

[Lizardking]

A tramp walks into a bar and asks for a cocktail stick, the barman, a bit puzzled, gives him one and he leaves. 10 minutes later another tramp walks in and asks for a cocktail stick which the barman gives to him. Again the tramp leaves. 10 minutes pass and another tramp walks in, "dont tell me" says the barman "a cocktail stick". "No" says the tramp "Ill have a drinking straw please". The barman, by now a bit bewildered asks the tramp "whats going on? your 2 mates have been in asking for cocktail sticks, now you want a drinking straw?", "oh yes" replies the tramp "someones been sick outside but all the best bits have gone!"

 

[Obsidian]

Yuck lizard thats gross , ive just eaten:/

Old mother Hubbard ,went to the cuppboard ,
To fetch old rover a bone ,
When she bent over , Rover took over ,
And gave her a bone of his 0wn.

hyuck hyuck

------------------
[Obsidian]
Phil Booth
International man of mystery......

 

[[BroTheR]Grim]

What do you do if you see a herd of elephants coming over a hill?

SWIM!!!!

fnar fnar

Grim

 

[[SMEG]Kryten]

lol at them all

Q: whats pink and red and goes round and round

A: a baby in a food processor

ancient but im clean outta jokes atm

 

[[GA] Shovel]

See "the Guardian's" "editor" supliment form last Friday, it has a cutting from some US mag who came up with the "75 funniest jokes of all time" some of which might be.
I'll post one when I find the mag,

No I'm not gay

------------------
[GA] Shovel

See GA @ www.barrysworld.com/blackgold

 

[Mincer]

And now for Mincer's repertoire of sick and rubbish jokes:

Q. Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

A. Cos you've gotta see the expression on it's face

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running towards him across the plains?

A. Here come the elephants!!! (WHACK WHACK)

Q. What did he say when he saw them wearing shades?

A. Nothing, he didnt recognise them!!!

AND FINALLY (save the greatest 'till last)

Q. What's brown and sticky

A. A STICK (GRRROOOAAANN)

I'm sorry, really I am.

 

[Teardrop]

What's Pink and Fluffy?


Pink Fluff


Cheers
Stu

 

[8_Ball]

"Doctor Doctor, I can't stop singing Green Green Grass of Home."
"Oh thats easy,you've got Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well Its Not Unusual"

Shite I know, but i like shite jokes

 

[[LSoG]YeLLoW]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

'cos it felt like it.

Why did the secong monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.


Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

It thought it was a game.


What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

How do you make a cat go woof?

Paraffin and matches.

Whats red, cries and sitis in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

A baby with a potato peeler

What's small, green and lies in the corner?

The same baby two months later.

I used to be a necrophiliac until some dead cunt split on me.



------------------
LSoG]YeLLoW
------------------

Lava Seals: HOO-YAH!
www.lavaseals.freeserve.co.uk

 

[RepulsioN[CFH]]

2 nuns driving home to the nunnary along a dark lane when suddenly from out of the trees a vampire swoops down and lands on the bonnet of the car.

"Quick Sister show him your cross!" shouts one of the nuns to the other.

The other nun nods rolls down the window and sticks her head out...

"OI! FUCK OFF!"

 

[Sres]

hehe some good ones there

Here is my selection
--------------------
GLUTTONOUS FLY

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one-day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal so he flew down and ate and ate and ate. When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. You won’t be surprised to learn that like any good fable this one has a moral.

The moral of the story is: Never fly off the handle when you’re full of shit.

---------------------------------------
Next one is a little long but worth it!
---------------------------------------

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town...
"Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking, dingo-titted, arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

"I want to see the cunt, and I want to see the cunt now!", replies the man, staring wildly at the waiter.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the fucking tossy manager of this twat-hole joint?".

"Yes sir, I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private and exclusive restaurant".

"Fuck off, quim-face ", replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon ?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well, are you? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano or I'll fucking twat you."

"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?".

"Of course I can..." and the bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I want to fuck your wife on the sofa but the springs keep sticking in me knob," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most rhythmically
complex jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"

"I tried to wank over the washin' machine but  me balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody that brings a tear to his eye and a lump into his throat.

"Thats beautiful, what's that called ?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,"  replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but his music is so good he offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any
of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night the bloke is playing his piano and sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he  has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her tits are falling out the top of her tight lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is showing clearly through the tight material over her gorgeous arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin!

It's too much for the pianist and he stops playing and runs off to the  bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed chap'.

He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "Where's that pianist gone?".

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano,  sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde gets up off her bar-stool and walks seductively over to the piano, leans over in front of him and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping cum onto your shoes?".

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it".

----------
I thank you!

Sres
----------

 

[OxTales]

Lol - these jokes are just terrible

Here are my (sick) efforts i posted to savage BR a while ago:

Louise Woodward now works in McDonalds.
Kids get a free shake.

Orville asked Emu if he wanted to go fishing.
"I don't have a rod" he replied.

Rod Hulls last advertisments were for Ariel and Bounce.

 

[Sres]

lurve that louise woody one

---
Glen Hoddle dies one day, and obviously goes to Heaven. After meeting the guys at the pearly gates, an angel takes him on a quick tour round Heaven.

The first thing he comes to is a big room where the walls are completely covered in clocks.

Suddenly one of the clocks in front of him advances by half an hour. Obviously he asks the angel what's going on.

"Everyone on Earth has a clock here, that's all. Every time the person on Earth has a wank, their clock goes forward half an hour".

He notices Paul Ince's clock, and thinks "Wow this is spooky!" and suddenly Ince's clock winds forward half an hour. Giggling, Hoddle sees Graeme Le Saux's clock as well, which soon also goes forward 30 mins.

Very amused, he spies David Seaman's clock...after a while this also winds on, and he is chuckling.

Finally he questions the angel..."okay, I can see all these clocks and I know my team-mates are having wanks here and there. One thing though, why hasn't David Beckham got a clock?".

The Angel replies "oh he had, but we keep that in the office and use it for a fan"

 

[Sres]

This isn't a joke, it's an observation

---
WHERE THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO GO TODAY?

The classically-minded among us may have noted a TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program, which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's "Requiem."

"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen.

Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,".

Which means: "The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of Hell."

 

[Krappy]

Q Wat's big red and eats rox

A A big red rockeater

Q Wat's big white and eats rox

A An albino big red rockeater

Q Wat's big blue and eats rox

A A big red rockeater with pneumonia

Q Wat's big red and eats trees

A A vegetarian big red rockeater

Q Wat's big grey and eats trees

A An elephant

BTW yellow blokey, They're sposed to be Koala's - the pouch heavily augment's the humourous value and stuph - and the first one's sposed to be dead...errrr.....DAMMIT.

cyall m8ys

 

[8_Ball]

A woman in Boots one day notices a table stacked with boxes of tampons.The sign above says '5 boxes for a £1'
She couldn't believe it so she asks an assistant "Is that right?" pointing to the sign.
"Ah yes madam, five boxes for a pound, no strings attached"

 

[s@xon]

If a man expresses his opinion in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him , is he still wrong?


S@xon - back online and crap as ever!

 

[frankie]

ok, ill have a go
theres a receptionist at a hotel doing some work, and a person comes in wanting a room. She rings the bell loads, but the receptionist takes her time, when asked
"Why didnt you come" the receptionist says
"It takes more than 2 fingers to make me come!!"
i heard it on sky1
thanks all. DR_F

 

[[BroTheR]Grim]

I walked into the living room the other day and caught my dad screwing my mums purse.

So I says to him, "What are you doing dad?"

He replies, "Well son, Iv'e always wanted to come into money"

Grim

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http://quake3arena.grimnoir.com

 

[Chojin]

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit ready
for another hard days work of being an overpriveliged little shit.

Catching sight of himself in the mirror he thinks, “By god, Dave, you’re looking
good this morning”. He admires the fine cut of his outfit and the neat trim of his
hair, and flexes his biceps.

“Feeling good, too,” he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the
Red Shite’s kit he was wearing. He enters the kitchen downstairs and Posh, his
bird, hands him A bowl of cornflakes.

“You’re looking fit this morning, Dave”.

“To be sure,” says the thick pillock appreciatively. “I feel good as well.”

“But you’re not smelling so good, mind” comments his beloved.

Dave takes a sniff. “You’re right there.” he says worriedly. “I am smelling a bit rough.”

He eats his cereal, downs his coffee, and
sets off for Old Trafford.

“Good morning to you, sweetie,” he grins at Alex Ferguson.

“It’s a fine morning Dave,” says Alex, “and you’re looking really good.”

“Why thank you. I look good and I feel pretty good as well,” says Dave flexing
both arms for his benefit.

“Oh Dave!” winces Alex in disgust, “you smell awful!”

Worried, Dave visits his doctor. “Doc, I’ve got a problem. I look good, I feel great, but I smell awful.”

The doc reaches down for his medical dictionary.
“ You look good,” he scans down the page, “you feel great....but.....smell awful. Hmmm yes...”

“It’s quite simple, Dave,” the doctor says, “You’re a cunt.”


Cho

 

[Chojin]

How to impress a woman:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...


How to impress a man:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.


Cho

 

[Chojin]

20 Things all men want to hear...
1) I’ll swallow it all... I love the taste of cum.
2) Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
3) I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
4) Shouldn’t you be down the pub with your mates?
5) That fart was great! Do another one!
6) I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7) You’re so sexy with a hangover.
8) I’d rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
9) Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.
13) you’d better drive, you’re far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can’t drive
14) Actually we shouldn’t have been given the vote, we’re better off in the kitchen.
15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
16) I don’t care if my bum looks big in this, let’s just go and get pissed
17) We haven’t gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to the pub.
18) Why can’t you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
19) I know you’re already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time?
20) Aim where you like, it’s really good for my skin

 

[[BroTheR]Grim]

I walked into the living room the other day and caught my dad screwing the TV.

So says to him, "Dad what are you doing?"

He replied, "Well son, I'm upset!!"

Grim

Oh yes, I do have more where that came from!

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http://quake3arena.grimnoir.com

 

[mookie]

Whats blue, and fucks grannies?

Hypothermia.

--------------------------------------
whats the similarty between a woman and a tornado?

when tey come, they're warm and wet. when they go, they take the house and car...

--------------------------------------
fred west is sitting in jail when the cheif of police comes up to him and asks him how many people he has murdered, to which mr west replies 19.
so the cops go dig up freds garden and find 25 corpses under his lawn.
furious, the police dood goes back to west and says
"you told us you killed 19 ppl. we dug up your garden and found 25 corpes.."
to which mr west replies..
"hey, i'm a builder, that was just an estimate..."

lots more where those came from....