Obsidans' sub-forum #1 : JOKES

[CrapDave]

Oh well, I may as well have a go..

Q. What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

Shite, I know :]
Dave.

 

[[SMEG]Kryten]

Q. What's the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl ?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count !

Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings?
A. So the crabs can go bungy
jumping..........

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

Q. What is the difference between an Essex
Girl and a Cream Egg
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg !!!!

hehe - apologize for any Essex ppl here ..




------------------
[GA]Kryten
nickspc@hotmail.com

 

[Scumbag]

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Need I go on ;>

 

[[HoW]MrDave]

Sunscreen

A few words of advice, from someone who's obviously a genius
Drink Alcohol.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, alcohol would be it.
The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently misunderstood by
scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my
own drunken experiences.

I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance.
Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance
until it's faded.
But trust me, in 20 years,
you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in a gutter and recall in a
way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you drank and how fabulous it
really was.
You are not as sick as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page
three model after 15 pints of Stella.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in the fridge on some
idle Tuesday.
Drink one thing every day that scares you.
Sing badly.
Be reckless when buying other people drinks.
Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.
Gargle.
Don't waste your time on shandy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.
Make up compliments you received. Return the insults.
If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now.
Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.
Wretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in you life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would sober
up.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.
Get plenty of kebabs.
Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff,
maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40,
maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your 75th University Reunion.
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others.
Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy someone else's body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might
think of it.
It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of
Special Brew.
Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on
your wall.
Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them for
some cash.
Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person
most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when paralytic
in
the future.
Understand that favourite drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable
few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because the older
you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were young.
Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce.
Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.
Dribble.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Beer prices will rise. Bouncers will throw you out. You, too, will get a
hangover.
And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young,
prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were
NEVER as bad as this.
Respect alcoholics.
Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird.
But you never know when either one might stop getting you pissed.
Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look
like a
faggot.
Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who supply
it.
Cheap booze is a form of rip-off.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock from the bin, wiping it off,
painting over the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the alcohol.


Dave

 

[Mincer]

Just got these off a friend today:


Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the ducks.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you
have been hallucinating.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and
dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road
and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording
session.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are bagpipers' fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
-----------------------------------------------------
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them
end to end -- it would be a good idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
------------------------------------------------------

 

[Grom]

Q: What sits in the corner and goes 'Sssssssssss'?

A: Rod Hull's TV...

------
Q: What's brown and taps at the window?

A: A baby in a microwave

------
Q: What's green and taps at the window?

A: A bogey on stilts

------

Ehem.
[vX]Grom

 

[[GA] Shovel]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Q. What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Same joke, replace Police Car with Ford Focus

Aman walks in to a bar and buys three pints of beer. He drinks it all and goes home.
He comes back every night and buys the same three pints. The Barman wonders why he never has more/less so he says:
"Why do you always have 3 pints?"
and tghe reply was:
"Well, when my brothers and I left home we all said that when we had a drink we'd always have 3 pints so as to remember the others"
"Oh" said the barman

anyway, this goes on for many months until one day the man comes in and only orders 2 drinks. the barman is a bit worried and says to him:
"Why are you only having two pints? Have one of your brothers passed away?"
"No", says the man. "I've given up drinking"

Not the best but still qite good.

theres a Pakistany and two Irishmen in a pub (not generalising the Irish, these are two seperate people).
They all have a drink together and have a laugh, get totally plastered etc.

Anyway, the Pakistany leaves early and heads home. About five minutes later there is the sound of sirens and shouts outside, everyone runs outside to see what the commotion is all about.
A pakistany man is lying face down on the road, clearly dead.
The docters cry out:
"Does anyone know who he is?"
the Irishmen get a bit worried about their friend and one of them shouts out:
"quick, pull his trousers down and have a check!"
"why?" says the docter
"'Caus every night when we enter the bar with him the barman says 'Here coms the Pakie with the two arse-holes"

As I said, not generalising the Irish, these are just two people who happen to be dick heads/

------------------
[GA] Shovel

See GA @ www.barrysworld.com/blackgold

 

[[DCC]Chipmunk]

This is the sickest joke i have every heard.
It is extremely offensive and concerns children... so if easily offended please stop reading now....

ok
A man is driving along a country road when he happens upon a road accident. A car has crashed into a tree and is burning away. Stood next to the car is a 6 year old girl covered in blood and crying.
He stops the car and approaches the girl
"What happened" he asks
The girl cries "Mammy, Daddy" pointing to the car "They're dead!"
The man starts to undo his fly. "It's not your lucky day is it?"


Sorry about that - guaranteed to offend at parties...

Another:
My girlfriend thinks I'm a peadophile - what would she know - she's only 6 yrs old!
or
My girlfriend thinks I'm a peadophile - where the hell did a 6 year old learn a word like that.

Another:
A horse walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the long face?"

And finally a joke I made up myself....

Q: How can you tell if your wife/girlfried is Y2K compliant?
A: Put your hand down her knickers and see if she can take 4 digits.


Cheers
[DCC]Chipmunk

 

[Chojin]

I apologise in advance for these......


How did Jill Dando feel at her job?
Under the gun.

I hear that Jill Dando was going to make a guest appearance on Just Shoot Me.

Songs Rewritten For Jill Dando:
Elton John: BBC In The Wind
Britney Spears: Hit Me Baby Five More Times
Or maybe Pat Benatar:Hit Me With Your Five Best Shots
Shirley Bassey: Miss Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Thump
Big Daddy Kane: Baby Got Holes In Back

What's red and gathers dust?
Jill's passport.

What's a Jehovah's witness and Jill Dando's Killer have in common?
They both stand on your doorstep and do your head in.

What's the difference between Ruud Gullit's Wife and Jill Dando?
One sleeps with a Gullit in her Bed.

What does Jill Dando and George Best have in common?
They both ended their careers at Fulham.

What does a piece of cod and Jill Dando have in common?
They both get battered before lunchtime.

What TV program did Jill Dando not appear in?
Shooting Stars.


What's the difference between a pint of beer and Jill Dando?
A pint of beer still looks good after you blow off its head.

What does the Kosovo Crisis & a 9mm bullet have in common?
Jill Dando can't stop either of them.


What's the difference between Jill Dando and a black taxi?
A black taxi can take 5 in the back.

What's the difference between a dildo and a dando?
You put one in a box, and the other...
ahhh, actually, they're the same.

What's the difference between a Dando and a Dodo?
One's a dead bird that used to hang around tropical beaches ...
the other one's a Dodo

What does a Jehovah's witness and the bloke who killed Dando have in common?
They both stand on your doorstep and do your head in.

What's got more brains than Jill Dando?
Her doorstep!

What's the difference between Jill Dando and Danny Baker?
Danny Baker survived the Doorstep challenge.

What does Jill and the Milkman have in common?
They both leave four pints on the doorstep!

Jill Dando is to star in a film next week…
No weddings and a funeral!

What colour were Jill Dando's eyes?
Blue. One blew to the left, the other blew to the right!

 

[[GA] Shovel]

How long did it take Luke Skywalker to get into his car?

Best/Most inspired answer wins a lightsabre

------------------
[GA] Shovel wardben@hotmail.com
Grey Area
Q2BATTLEUK

 

[Mincer]

15.7 seconds

Well you did ask

ermm, come to think of it, dont you mean how long did it take Luke Skywalker to get into his hovery thing?

 

[SimbobX]

beep beep whistly beepybeep beep

Buggered if I know what it means but that's what R2D2 claims.

 

[[EoD]Riz]

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from
her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were
a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet
were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she
could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard
roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional
muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their
surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed
by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.

'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'


------------------
[EoD]Riz

 

[CrimsonHaze]

2 men and a women in the City bar. I'm a yuppie says the first man; young, unattached and independent income!

I'm a Dink says the other; double income no kids... what do you do he asks the woman...

I'm a Wife she says: wash iron, f*** etc..

 

[Gengis Khan]

lol at them all, most of them were really brilliant!!

And now...

Q: What's green and eats balls?

A: Herpes!!

hehe, I love that one...

Well, I'll be back
Later

Gengis Khan www.xs4all.nl/~kooyman /

(P.S. please check out the website or else my hair is going to be bleached!!!)

 

[FingerMagnet]

I've got some jokes too, enjoy!


This bird is not doing too well at University and she's got her finals coming
up so she goes to see the head of department. She goes in 6', blonde,
absolutely gorgeous and he's a little weedy old guy. Obviously not had any in a
while. So she says to him how can I pass this course. I'll do anything. He says
nothing. She says I'll do absolutely anything and takes her top off. She's
stood there with nipples like bullets and says in a husky voice "what can I do
to pass". He still says nothing so she gets down on her knees and goes to work.
He shoots all over her face (good lad) so she says is there anything I can do
now to pass this course. The bloke has a think, fastens his trousers and says
"You could do some work".

-----

A man and his wife are walking in a park when they see a wishing well. The man
throws in a coin, makes a wish and steps away. His wife then has a go. She
leans over the wall to throw her coin in when the wall gives way underneath her
and she plumets to her death. The bloke sees this, turns round and says "What
do you know. It came true"

-----

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?
a lickalotapuss

What do you call a gay dinosaur ?
a megasorearse

-----

A man walks into a bar and says ouch

(You know someone had to say it evenually)

 

[old.s@xon]

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic
Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until
around 13 or 14 years of age.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the
stove and refrigerator.

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in
them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a
hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the
morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese
sandwich?

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like
chocolate!

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the
morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin!

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's
head straight!

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm!

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga in an old people's home!

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the
fathers who are always playing with them.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was
assasinated.

What's the similarity between getting a blow job from
an eighty year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don't want to look down...

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About eight pints of beer.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it's
from.

An Eskimo is driving when his car starts to make a
noise. He takes it to the garage and the mechanic
looks at it. "Hmm, looks like you've blown a seal."
"No," says the Eskimo," it's just frost on my
moustache."

------------------
S@xon : )
ian_collins@lineone.net
ICQ 22761833