Kindness

[russell]

I'll risk another thread as this one should hopefully stay on track...

Kindness is the most important quality that parents should teach their children according to a recent social study ( can't find the link?)

I can see it's importance, and also how it is declining with manners and our culture of instant gratification. We have time constraints and tend to think selfishly yet genuine kindness is the very best of human nature.

How do you teach kindness? I may do it at school too with my class.

Any ideas?

 

[old.Tohtori]

Gateway drug it. I think kindness is at the top of the food chain when it comes to human acts, the cocaine of the lot if you will. So start by teaching fairness(weed) by teaching sharing, or empathy by asking what it makes kids feel when they see a homeless person etc. then move to harder "drugs" such as kindness. I think kindness might even come along naturally if the others stick.

Can't really come up with the whole curriculum(kind of your job eh? ), but from the top of my head it's one way to go.

Also if you create a nobel price winning teaching method from this, i'd like a few stacks of £100s just to get something pretty

 

[old.user4556]

I can only base this on watching my sisters and how they bring their kids up:

- Good manners. Please, thank you, sorry etc. Learn when to say them at the right time from a young age.
- Respect. Learn when to share things with other children in social circumstance and learn when to play together fairly.
- Boundaries. What is / isn't acceptable behaviour etc.

All of these lead to kindness in my opinion. I've witnessed a huge change in my twin nieces as they've got older - they share with the other children, they know when they've done wrong and they show patience and tolerance. My sister has done well on the above points and as such they're growing up to be nice children compared to some of the other kids in their extended family that are little cunts in the making.

 

[Lakih]

One of the most important things to remember is that kids don't do what you say - they do what you do. So show kindness and they will learn kindness. @Big G got two of the other big factors in there, Respect and Boundaries. In my opinion the shaping of your kids have to start on day one. You can't wait until the kid is five and expect to create a wonder kid out of it. Children might not always be able to understand what they see, but it forms them non the less. So if you are respectful to others (even when they are not around), you set and uphold boundaries, you act kind - odds are this will stick with your kids for the rest of their lives.

This is of course my own opinions, based on my believes and no scientific mumbojumbo. I should probably add that i don't have any kids myself.
(Sucks that you feel the need to add a disclaimer on these forums now a days :'( )

 

[Lakih]

I forgot to add Consistency.
You guys have to figure that one out yourself, 'cus i have to run!

 

[TdC]

My dad always said "childeren should be seen and not heard". Often I find that I also do not want to see them. On top of that, the child should quickly be brought to learn that looking is done with the eyes, not with the hands. Blunt force is allowed when teaching a child this, both delivered by myself, or whoever produced the annoying sprog.




Note: Tdc does not have kids at this time. It's cool.

 

[Tom]

You teach by example. And the best example is to be kind to others.

 

[Yoni]

I was brought up to believe : treat others as you would like to be treated
Additionally my parents were anal about appropriate behavior and etiquette

 

[Job]

Hitler's mum and dad were lovely to him (please don't check this)

 

[Edmond]

They learn by example, and their formative years are spent with the parents, so I truly believe when a child is being unruly, the parents are to blame. By the time they get to school and start to socialise with others they already have their template of how to behave laid out, so then its down to them to learn from it from then on

I don't have kids, but I have lots of friends that do, and the one who have the best manners, who are polite and show respect were raised by my friends who I deem to be the same (yes @russell you do fall into this category)

One of my friends has an 18yr old girl and a 14yr old boy, from an early age whenever I went round or phoned up they would engage in conversation with me and were very polite. Jake who is 14 always shakes my hand when I see him, and that's what his dad is like too, so he has learnt by example, its the little things like that, that make a difference.

Another of my friends daughters is very well mannered, and she and her brother and sister have not been spoilt and understand the value of things and don't expect, so they have patience and appreciation

Whereas a single child of one of my friends has had everything on a plate because she strops and whines so much that from day one her mother has given in to her, and they learn very quickly how to milk it. She is rude in front of her parents to others (me) and is never disciplined for it, hence she is very obnoxious and I think she will suffer for it as she gets older.

But then as I said, I don't have kids and probably never will, so what do I know

 

[Edmond]

Hitler's mum and dad were lovely to him (please don't check this)

Yeah but I bet he was a cunt to them.

They were both Jewish you know (I wouldn't check that either)

 

[old.Tohtori]

Example doesn't always cut it though. Cousin and his ladyparts are some of the nicest, calmest people i know and their kids...well...to say they are like two marsupials on crack throwing firecrackers at disabled people would be putting it lightly.

Bit lack of discipline, bit the way the world is these days(can't touch kids and they know it) and bit of XYZ, but it's not as clear cut as teach by example.

 

[Scouse]

I was brought up to believe : treat others to anal

Fixed.


That's appropriate in a thread about kids, right?

 

[fettoken]

Fixed.


That's appropriate in a thread about kids, right?

Since you're the epitome of kindness, this is completely appropriate.

 

[russell]

I agree with all of this in terms of parenting. It's bloody hard work always being on their case tho, so I can see why some parents take the easier non-confrontational option, even if they are nice people themselves.

There are a lot of factors. Is money one? I was a materially spoilt only child. I make my 3 save up for big things as I think that delayed gratification is important and it makes you appreciate it more.

Other mums make me feel guilty when I make mine choose 1 school residential trip out of the 3 options, when they say " ill do anything for x to go to them all, what ever I have to sacrifice- she's not missing out" but I think it does them good not to assume they get to do everything. Would I still think like this if I were loaded?

 

[old.Tohtori]

There are a lot of factors. Is money one? I was a materially spoilt only child. I make my 3 save up for big things as I think that delayed gratification is important and it makes you appreciate it more.

Other mums make me feel guilty when I make mine choose 1 school residential trip out of the 3 options, when they say " ill do anything for x to go to them all, what ever I have to sacrifice- she's not missing out" but I think it does them good not to assume they get to do everything. Would I still think like this if I were loaded?

You were spoilt as a kid so i don't think money would change your outlook, you're still not spoiling your childs.

There's a balance with money as well. When i was growing up i had to earn nearly everything. Work for candy etc etc. It was a lesson in "earn your sh*t" which i get, but when i got on my own and had the chance to get student loans, not to mention getting paid for summer jobs and such, i spent a lot of money on absolutely useless stuff because i never got that many things as a kid.

 

[russell]

In terms of teaching I like the 'treat others as you would like to be treated' as we are a Christian school, so I can find lots of bible stuff and real life stuff and maybe set up a situation to see what they do.
I used to teach Henry 8th which was handy as I could cover the whole power = corruption thing and that being a nice person and doing the right thing is important not to lose sight of. We then used to do a good deed every day which they liked. But the curriculum has changed and now I have to teach the Stone Age instead of The Tudors?!!

 

[russell]

You were spoilt as a kid so i don't think money would change your outlook, you're still not spoiling your childs.

There's a balance with money as well. When i was growing up i had to earn nearly everything. Work for candy etc etc. It was a lesson in "earn your sh*t" which i get, but when i got on my own and had the chance to get student loans, not to mention getting paid for summer jobs and such, i spent a lot of money on absolutely useless stuff because i never got that many things as a kid.

Yeah. I guess it's a whole range of factors. I just knew that if I nagged long enough my mum would give in and so when I became a parent I decided that I stick by what I say first time. If I say no... It's always going to be no. If I say no tv, it's no tv. Having said that I will listen especially to my oldest and negotiate a win win deal

 

[russell]

Most kids the age I teach are really kind already, it's the minority who have no empathy or kindness to others.

Wonder why this changes as they get older?

 

[russell]

They learn by example, and their formative years are spent with the parents, so I truly believe when a child is being unruly, the parents are to blame. By the time they get to school and start to socialise with others they already have their template of how to behave laid out, so then its down to them to learn from it from then on

I don't have kids, but I have lots of friends that do, and the one who have the best manners, who are polite and show respect were raised by my friends who I deem to be the same (yes @russell you do fall into this category)

One of my friends has an 18yr old girl and a 14yr old boy, from an early age whenever I went round or phoned up they would engage in conversation with me and were very polite. Jake who is 14 always shakes my hand when I see him, and that's what his dad is like too, so he has learnt by example, its the little things like that, that make a difference.

Another of my friends daughters is very well mannered, and she and her brother and sister have not been spoilt and understand the value of things and don't expect, so they have patience and appreciation

Whereas a single child of one of my friends has had everything on a plate because she strops and whines so much that from day one her mother has given in to her, and they learn very quickly how to milk it. She is rude in front of her parents to others (me) and is never disciplined for it, hence she is very obnoxious and I think she will suffer for it as she gets older.

But then as I said, I don't have kids and probably never will, so what do I know

You see my children at their worst as you are their 'fun uncle' so they beat you up and fart on demand and talk back to you!

 

[Edmond]

You see my children at their worst as you are their 'fun uncle' so they beat you up and fart on demand and talk back to you!

There is a fine line between being cheeky and being rude, they know where it is, others don't and step over it regularly

 

[Job]

I' m too soft..but then again we're talking about a 19 yr old stepdaughter that's crash the car into a lampost hot...so I can't say no or shout at her..it's impossible...some deep part of my male brain will not allow it..the wifes like 'your useless' and all the guys know...they know.

 

[DaGaffer]

Most kids the age I teach are really kind already, it's the minority who have no empathy or kindness to others.

Wonder why this changes as they get older?

Because kind people keep getting fucked over? When I was a kid my Mum was the kindest person I knew, always made the effort, always put herself out for others, friends, neighbours, and especially my Aunt, who was totally self-absorbed, and then one day it was like a switch, she just seemed to say "enough", because frankly, her kindness was routinely abused. Now she puts herself first (with the exception of her grandchildren) and I can't say I really blame her. You could still say she's "kind" as in general generosity but not "kindly" as in going out of her way to make the effort.

As for me, I'm kind if I remember to be, but I have to actively think about being kind, its not so much I'm unkind by default, more unaware.

 

[Scouse]

Most kids the age I teach are really kind already, it's the minority who have no empathy or kindness to others.

Wonder why this changes as they get older?

Reaction to the world we've made.

We're naturally selected to be kind and sharing - it helps our survival and happiness to work as a well-oiled coherent team. However, our base nature doesn't prepare us for the world we now find ourselves in.

That's why we're fat, poor and angry. And our kids become that way too.


Edit: Kinda what @DaGaffer said, but with an underlying economic pressure cooker element

 

[old.Tohtori]

I' m too soft..but then again we're talking about a 19 yr old stepdaughter that's crash the car into a lampost hot...so I can't say no or shout at her..it's impossible...some deep part of my male brain will not allow it..the wifes like 'your useless' and all the guys know...they know.

Well considering you use coke, don't think that'll be a problem.

Because kind people keep getting fucked over?

I don't think that's an excuse though. Not saying it was so with your mother, but some people are kind to gain something and when they get sh*t for it, they change their tone.

When you're kind just because you are, it doesn't matter if it was "using your kindness", or if you get nothing out of it.

 

[Yoni]

For info scouse my parents did discuss the merits of anal and blowjobs as an alternative to medicated contraception (once married of course)

As for kindness I really usel to put others needs before myseldning, to my detriment... The balance has shifed in recentior years though

 

[georgie]

When you're kind just because you are, it doesn't matter if it was "using your kindness", or if you get nothing out of it.

I don't think it's a case of not getting anything back but rather just getting dumped on and taken advantage of for being nice, repeatedly. Kinda leaves you rather disheartened.

 

[TdC]

Yoni your phone's language is on Swedish

 

[old.Tohtori]

I don't think it's a case of not getting anything back but rather just getting dumped on and taken advantage of for being nice, repeatedly. Kinda leaves you rather disheartened.

Yeah and i'm not saying it's bad to stop being nice all the time, i have a problem with being too nice at any given time, just that there are different levels of genuine kindness.

 

[Trem]

I have read nothing apart from Russells first post in this thread so I have just pressed reply to give my views.

Kindness is the first thing I taught my son and then my daughter, kindness then politeness, both of those things will get them far in life more than most other things.

But the kindness thing started really early on with animals, being kind to animals, whether it an ant or a worm (but not a fly or a wasp they can fuck off and die ) my kids were always taught that to squish something because it is tiny is a disgusting way to be, to stamp on an ant nest is stamping on an entire city...sort of. I think if you teach kindness towards animals it *should* carry over to humans, or as in my case, it may make you think that most humans aren't actually worth your kindness which is in itself a valuable lesson to learn. I hate when kindness is seen as a weakness, I hate it when kids are laughed at by other kids for being kind, I would hate one of my children to stop another kid from stamping on a bee or something then get the piss taken out them for it, well, I would go code red if I heard.

The most important kindness is the one that people do when no one else is looking, not for plaudits or for a pat on the back but just for the sake of having a good heart.