J. O. T. D.

[~Lazarus~]

S. J. O. T. D.

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[dysfunction]

Nice one!!

 

[Testin da Cable]

hehe that's bad

 

[S-Gray]

heh, what they said

 

[dysfunction]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

 

[~Lazarus~]

JACK and BETTY fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 cents.

JACK said "Hang on I've got an idea" - he went to the next butcher shop and came out with one large sausage.

BETTY: "Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all"

JACK: "Don't worry - just follow me" - and he went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniels.

BETTY: "Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in - we haven't any money!!"

JACK: "Don't worry - I have got a plan - Cheers" they had their drinks.

JACK said, "OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth.

Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub BETTY said, "Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer, I am pissed and my knees are killing me.

JACK: "How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub."

 

[Will]

Somebody make them stop...

 

[kameleon]

1st earthquakes and now this

 

[Testin da Cable]

f-ist?

 

[Dr_Weasel]

My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock

Bad Minton!!

 

[dysfunction]

Originally posted by Dr_Weasel
My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock

Bad Minton!!

How is this related to jokes??

 

[Dr_Weasel]

Originally posted by dysfunction


How is this related to jokes??

That happens to be my favorite joke... I think it says something about my sense of humour. I also think it ranks up there up there with the following classic;

- Did you hear about the Ferret who swallowed an ecstasy tablet?

- He was Mad-Ferret!!!

 

[Testin da Cable]

hehee

 

[dysfunction]

Right...

You'll like this one then:

A seal walks into a club...

 

[Testin da Cable]

 

[caLLous]

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack went down; he had a frown, cos Jill's a fuckin' tranny.

 

[jo.]

My favourite :

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them, and says...

"What is this ? Some kind of joke ?"


Crap, yes... but better than that badminton one.

 

[*Kornholio*]

lol, Nice 1 callous

 

[bodhi]

What's the best thing about 8 year old girls?


You can turn them round and pretend they're 8 year old boys.

 

[nath]

Did iz tell you that one?

 

[Wij]

what one ?

sound advice imo.

 

[dysfunction]

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson
Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor
of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes, " "Well," said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major design
flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble
too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the
exhaust.

And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited or the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, "
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours."

 

[Shocko]

Heh heh, good stuff

 

[~Lazarus~]

Circus

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his
father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as
she had left the boy repeated his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No. Down there."

The father took a good look and explained,
"That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied,
"Son, I've *spoiled* that woman."

 

[Wij]

 

[Dr_Weasel]

There was a young girl called Ulrika.....
Who's love life couldn't be sweeter...
Sven was a fan,
She was beaten by Stan,
And was sh@gged by the guy from Blue Peter.

 

[Testin da Cable]

*cough*
heh

 

[dysfunction]

/ahem

 

[S-Gray]

Hmm... The Gym i went to Today had that Joke in the Paper someone was reading..

Either that or you too live near Scouseland and went that Gym on the same day?

 

[Dr_Weasel]

Scouseland! not me, I live south of the border

I must admit to my missus having told me that joke earlier. I thought it needed recording for posterity cos its the first funny thing shes said in ages