it's been a while, another breakup thread!!

[old.user4556]

This is a beauty.

So I was seeing this girl for nearly four months (she's 19). It has to be one of the weirdest relationships i've done, ever. Even my own mother said it's one of the weirdest relationships she's heard of. Basically and without too much detail, she suffers from anxiety. It was a Jekyll and Hyde situation with her, one minute she was loving, the next she was cut me off without a trace and I wouldn't hear from her for a couple of days (remember I said she needed space in the 'her male friends' thread). So, she needed some space to sort herself out (alarm bells) - but i understand from research that anxiety is very hard to deal with and is more common than you think. She said that because she had intense emotions for me, that it made it more difficult, but that she was serious about us. If she wasn't, she'd just end it and move on.

We took time (she wanted 2-3 months to get help) - every time she had a bad anxiety attack, she ended up calling it off saying "i can't keep hurting us like this". Then she calmed down, then wanted to try again (hence the space so it would work properly).

In the past couple of weeks she decided she was going out of her mind not being together and missing me loads. She called me from New York when she was on holiday, told me she was in love with me, missed me so bad etc. She got home last week, i got a knock on the door on Tuesday night; there was noone there but a pile of lovely presents from her all wrapped in red tissue paper. She got me half an american coin, and in my card wrote "in the olden days, people would give half a heart to symbolise the giving of one another's hearts; you have mine. I love you".

We spoke about her anxiety, she said she had made appointments to see people and was feeling much much better and just wanted me to get on with loving her. She came down on valentine's day, we had a lovely evening together, she asked me to meet her friends this weekend and she would finally meet the rest of mine.

Then, yesterday.

I spoke to her on the phone during the day, all seemed well, she was at her friends over night to have a catch up, she was wondering if Saturday night was still on meeting my friends. She was just arriving at the front door to her house and i said i'd phone back in 10 mins. Meanwhile, she sent a text saying "you on email at work?". I then got an email saying:

and secondly and the reason for this email and i have to tell you this. its all so screwy but i have to tell you anyway. and i am going to apologise in advance but i think i need to tell you because it involves you and i am now very confused. and im not saying any of these things to make you feel bad but i need you to understand some things. a year ago (last feb) i had been going out with a guy for a quite a while and it was going really well. ups and downs obviously but it was really really good. then his mum died. and he went completely off the rails and as much as i tried to be there for him he needed to be on his own. his mum was really young, she was just 53 and it was completely unexpected. it completely screwed him over. and he was hurting so badly that we just fought and fought and even we loved each other we decided we couldnt go on. he needed to go do something else. and i told him i would wait for him. and he went to do some travelling and i didnt hear from him. and then i met you at <snip> and i really liked you. and i decided that he was thinking differently so maybe it was time. so i gave it a go. and i got to know you and love you.
but today iv just come home to a letter from him telling me that hes back and he wants to try again. and i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. because i love you and i love him to. it wasnt like when he left we hated each other. its was still really there, we just werent doing each other any good then. and i made a promise to him.
and i didnt tell you about this at the start because it was no way to start a relationship off. and then once we were into it i really liked you. and i didnt see this being an issue at all. and know he has just come back. something i never thought would happen. and im so confused. this is the abbreviated version cos i just got your text. my head is very messsed up. and im sorry. i know its one hurdle after another with us. and things were just getting back to being good. but i have to tell you this. cos its not something i can ignore and its not fair to you to not tell you. xxx

What do you make of that? She's in love with me, but now decided after a year of him fucking off round the world that she loves him too? What the fuck...

So the ex boyfriend just waltzes back in, after everything we've been through, all my patient understanding about her anxiety, talking about being serious and his presence changes everything? (he's 30 btw). I learned from my mistakes in my previous relationship, I treated this girl with respect, care, trust, honesty, maturity and I treated her like a princess; and now it's all thrown back in my face. Granted, the guys mum died, but why that would lead to him touring the world and breaking up with her - i have no idea. I tried to tell her to see the light, that it was over with him and a year went by and now he expected to just pick up where they left off.

She's called it all off again, probably for good this time. She says she can't be with me, because he's back and it's reawakened feelings and she says she still loves him. However, she's told him she doesn't want to be with him either, because she's too in love with me!? She doesn't know what she wants, needs time to think. She says she may never be able to be with either of us. I dunno what to believe.

I said that clearly she hasn't moved on, but she's adamant that she has. She never gave him a thought, she was perfectly happy the two of us, but she simply can't ignore that he's back.

Of course, the natural thing to do here is RUN LIKE FUCK and move on, but what do you make of this?

 

[tris-]

wondered when the next installment of the big g show was going to air.

in the end, you got some free presents off her, what more do you want?

you can use that coin and the bull shit she made up on a new, unexpecting lady

 

[nath]

I hate to say something that you may not want to hear - but perhaps it'd be better to go for someone closer to your own age? Someone who's 19 - regardless of how grown up they seem - is going to lack the emotional maturity to sustain the sort of relationship you're looking for.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Depends what you feel for her.

If you love her, then let her take care of whatever things she needs to take care of and tell her "you know my number, call me when you're sorted, might be still here, might not be".

Basicly "brake" up as friends, "move on" and see what comes, let her do her thing and take the high road.

If you don't love her, well, then it's "kick the baby" time


Most likely it's a "time golds the memory" sorta thing and she comes running back to you after a while.

 

[old.user4556]

I hate to say something that you may not want to hear - but perhaps it'd be better to go for someone closer to your own age? Someone who's 19 - regardless of how grown up they seem - is going to lack the emotional maturity to sustain the sort of relationship you're looking for.

Nail on the head tbh.

 

[Skyler]

Well I think the only redeeming factor for her in all this is that she chose to not be with either of you, but at the same time that isn't helpful at all.

I suppose if she loves him then waiting for a year is not that bad a thing to do, but at the same time now she loves you and you've been good to her.

To me it seems more like she's stuck and can't make a choice, she doesn't want to hurt either of you and probably could see herself being with either of you or something like that.

I think you can either tell her you can't do that and bugger off, or tell her you love her and want to be with her but you can't wait forever as this is messing with your head/hurting you.. or something like that.

At least that gives what you've built so far a chance, it's ultimately your call though.

What she did with the presents and things is very sweet, I think that speaks a lot for her feelings.

But she is young, and young women really annoy me as they usually mess with your mind and are immature, she seems nice despite this, but never underestimate the age thing.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Oh almost forgot, saying "I don't mind sharing" is always an option

 

[Trem]

Oh almost forgot, saying "I don't mind sharing" is always an option

All I was thinking was G should suggest a spitroasting session

You know I love you G and I do care but fuck me mate you don't half pick 'em.

 

[JBP|]

Do you want the phone number for Trisha or the Jeremey Kyle show?


On a more serious note the girl is clearly getting her head fucked up by the situation your choices are, in my opinion as follows..

1]Run forest run.
2]Beat the living crap out of the other guy.
3]Accept that these two people went thru a difficult stage together and have history that they need find a way of dealing with. This may or may not include you supporting your lady friend in this situation.

Ofcourse you dont have to do any of the following, they are just the things that i would think about if it were me.

 

[Gumbo]

The other guy is clearly much better in bed than you.

SEOT.

 

[old.user4556]

Well I think the only redeeming factor for her in all this is that she chose to not be with either of you, but at the same time that isn't helpful at all.

I suppose if she loves him then waiting for a year is not that bad a thing to do, but at the same time now she loves you and you've been good to her.

To me it seems more like she's stuck and can't make a choice, she doesn't want to hurt either of you and probably could see herself being with either of you or something like that.

I think you can either tell her you can't do that and bugger off, or tell her you love her and want to be with her but you can't wait forever as this is messing with your head/hurting you.. or something like that.

At least that gives what you've built so far a chance, it's ultimately your call though.

What she did with the presents and things is very sweet, I think that speaks a lot for her feelings.

Yep, she said "if i wanted to be with him, we wouldn't be having this conversation, i would tell you straight".

I think the fact nearly a year had passed, she had moved on, met me, fallen in love again - and this happens - i suppose it must be a total head fuck and she must be reeling. If my 5 year girl phoned me up and said "I've made a mistake, lets try again" i admit i'd be a bit "woooah". But then, I've made my decision to move on, and I love my current girl. That doesn't mean I don't remember *why* I loved my ex, of course I do.

I've told her how I feel about her, and I know how she feels about me. She wants some space and time to think it through, but until she decides (which may be never), she can't be with me. I respect her for that, because i'd hate for her to hide it from me and have secret feelings for someone else.

I told her she must let him go, she must decide who she wants to be with. She's very much wrapped up in me now, and she's not stupid, she'll know that she stands to lose something great with me if it doesn't work out with the other guy. If they were fighting and arguing, it sounds like the relationship was broken, particularly if he wanted a break for a year. They broke up for a reason, regardless of the catalyst.

The valentines thing was very very sweet, it really said a lot about how she feels. I don't think you would go to that sort of a hastle without having something very meaningful between you; particularly the words she put down in writing.

I guess all i can do is let her make a decision in her own time.

 

[TdC]

I guess all i can do is let her make a decision in her own time.

well done

 

[ECA]

There is only one obvious solution to this problem.

 

[Chilly]

Another episode of "put my life on google"-G.

 

[Paradroid]

So she was officially on the rebound, from a paedo. She's 19, he's 30? They broke up a year ago, from a relationship that lasted how long?

: /

 

[Will]

18 with 30 doesn't make you a paedo. It does mean you have the patience of a saint though.

 

[nath]

18 with 30 doesn't make you a paedo. It does mean you have the patience of a saint though.

It does make you a little creepy tbh.

 

[old.user4556]

So she was officially on the rebound, from a paedo. She's 19, he's 30? They broke up a year ago, from a relationship that lasted how long?

: /

She was 17, he would have been 28/29ish at the time i'm guessing. Oh, and 9 months.

 

[Kari]

Fruitbat tbh G, run away fast & be thankful...

 

[DaGaffer]

It does make you a little creepy tbh.

And yet, if she was 30 and he was 40 no-one would bat an eyelid. Don´t forget girls are supposed to be ´more mature´- although obviously not in this case.

 

[nath]

Yes but that's not a comparable situation - the creepiness to age difference ratio isn't static - you can't just say 10 years difference = x creepy. 30 yr old going out with a 19/20 yr old is reasonably creepy, 40 with a 30, not so much, 25 yr old with a 15 yr old, pretty damn creepy.

 

[psyco]

do what they did on greys anatomy

 

[throdgrain]

How about 65 with a 40 year old? Or is that too far away from your perspective?

 

[Skyler]

Well girls at that age always want older guys, they soon realise that doesn't work and start wanting something different.

 

[nath]

How about 65 with a 40 year old? Or is that too far away from your perspective?

I don't see anything wrong there - the point is it's not about age gap, it's about whether both parties are adults. In a relationship between a 29 yr old and a 19 yr old, they're not both adults on the same scale. In fact if you ask me, a 19 yr old is only an adult by law. Nothing else. Obviously it varies from person to person, but ultimately it's likely to cause issues.

 

[Calaen]

Agree with Nath.

 

[psyco]

I don't see anything wrong there - the point is it's not about age gap, it's about whether both parties are adults. In a relationship between a 29 yr old and a 19 yr old, they're not both adults on the same scale. In fact if you ask me, a 19 yr old is only an adult by law. Nothing else. Obviously it varies from person to person, but ultimately it's likely to cause issues.

tbh, i think it should be lower... maybe 18... or even 16(depending on the laws within your country)

though as a general rule of thumb, i agree

 

[Xtro]

Its rare that I post properly on here now because trying to fight the flow of right wing, generalising, patronising bullshit on here is just not worth it but I HAD to post after reading Paradroid's informed words.

I'm 35, my mrs is 23. We met when she was 20, and I was 33. I thought she was 25/6 as she was mature and looked like a woman not a street corner dwelling hoody. She thought I was 27/8 probably because she was blind.

According to you Paradroid I'm a paedo. You can guess my reaction to your post.

I did type a something a lot stronger that was probably going to get me banned, but I've just gone back and deleted it.

As for G, after going from one heavy relationship, you walk straight into another! Mate, just go easy and learn to see someone casual for a bit.

 

[throdgrain]

When I was 21 I had a girlfriend of 30, it was great to be perfectly honest. It ended when I met my wife of today. She is the rather standard 2 years younger than me
As far as the 19 year old thing, where I work nowadays there are girls of that age, they are a bit childish I suppose, but then each person is different I think, so you cant tell.

 

[Trem]

I'm 34, and I can honestly say I would be chuffed to go out with a 19 year old

Am I Gary Glitter?