Incident at Glasgow Airport!

[Golena]

From what i've seen the police just got lucky that they were dealing with what appear to be complete amateurs.

In this day and age it was almost guaranteed that a change in PM wouldn't go by without incident. Hopefully this is the worst of it.

 

[Maeloch]

Bunch of clowns. Couldn't have done a better job decreasing fear 'terror' in the UK if they tried. Mebbe it was MI5.

Friggin doctor, man of science, intelligence and all, can't even kill himself and take a few with him. Those gas canisters do not burst easy. Last time I heard someone getting killed by one in an accident, it'd been sat on a bonfire for several hrs b4 it finally blew up.

Means they can't get proper explosives. Still they only need to get lucky once.

 

[Corran]

wtf? What happens when they think you had something to do with a terrorist attack and then torcher a confession out of you? It's this kind of knee-jerk reaction to terrorism that is the worst part of it, as it allows governments to get away with stuff like Guantanamo Bay, which leads to potential terrorists thinking "these people dont care about other peoples civil liberties so why should we care about theirs." Like Benjamin Franklin said: “They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

Hmm, think it had something to do with a terrorist attack? Yeah because it isnt clear what this is. Must have accidently filled a car with gas cannisters, set the car alight and tried to smash way into the middle of an airport.

Do you think people from Iraq, Iran, and anywhere in the middle east give a shit about the human rights of the european people who this shitty act was meant to protect. Waste of time from start to finish.
I work in criminal investigations and even though it primarily fraud I do we always got this shitty act causing problems.

The government made many mistakes by giving power to brussels. But hey thats life. The fact is those that been captured struck first in this case. Not like we have already tortured them and forced them into this action. No, they decided for some idealogical reason to attack the people of this country, an thus they should lose any protection from the laws set to protect said people. They attacked our liberties and our lifes, it therefore fair game to treat them in kind. Most the people that come here are invited with open arms, if they want to abuse the trust put in them by allowing them here then they deserve whatever they get.

 

[Chronictank]

they decided for some idealogical reason to attack the people of this country, an thus they should lose any protection from the laws set to protect said people. They attacked our liberties and our lifes, it therefore fair game to treat them in kind. Most the people that come here are invited with open arms, if they want to abuse the trust put in them by allowing them here then they deserve whatever they get.

So all troops and civilians in iraq/afghanistan/syria etc etc..
are free game too?

Thats a pretty dangerous road you are proposing, the sad thing is we are already half way there,..
Brown will no doubt try and push the bill to detain people indefinitely. You do realise what happens even if you are a "suspected terrorist" dont you?

They can be taken in the middle of the night, with noone any the wiser to where they have gone, and when they are released because they are innocent (asuming a confession hasnt been tortured out of them and made as a scape goat), what job will they have when they havent shown up for a month? there is no compensation so in your opinion what exactly do you think they are going to do with their lives seeing as they will be branded a terrorist by everyone due to a "leaked" information to the public with their name. Gg your life is over because some made a mistake, and all you would get if your lucky is a "sorry we fuxored up, there will be a inquirey into how this happened"

I for one am scared shitless to the fact i could be in the wrong place at the wrong time and end up in a concentration camp on the other side of the world because the not-so-secret police decided i am a suspect, its all well and good spouting shit about how if your innocent it doesnt affect you, when its been proven repeatedly that it bloody well does

 

[Calaen]

lol I love this response, OMG YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY SUSPECT YOU OF TERRORISM. fuck all because they will never have a reason to suspect 99% of the normal people for it.

Lock them up forever and do their friends as well, Human rights laws that protect people that do not value other peoples lives are a fucking disgrace. I can just imagine the guy on fire being more concerned that he has failed his almighty rather than that he was on fire.

It is a lesson to all, no matter what qualifications you get you can still be thick as fuck.

 

[Chronictank]

lol I love this response, OMG YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY SUSPECT YOU OF TERRORISM. fuck all because they will never have a reason to suspect 99% of the normal people for it.

Remind me why exactly was Jean Charles de Menezes suspected?, ah yes he lived in a building containing terror suspects
what about the 2 people released because of wrongful arrest in February?
How about the 9 people in Birmingham who got his houses got raided because they attended a certain mosque?
And these are the ones we hear about because they went to the press, who knows how many are being held under the terror laws
99% may not be suspected, but the 1% who's lives have been ruined arent going to feel any better.

Lock them up forever and do their friends as well, Human rights laws that protect people that do not value other peoples lives are a fucking disgrace. I can just imagine the guy on fire being more concerned that he has failed his almighty rather than that he was on fire.

It is a lesson to all, no matter what qualifications you get you can still be thick as fuck.

The government you, me and our peers elected supports a regime which shits all over the human rights laws it helped create, and incidentally you are supporting the breach of those rights when it comes to torturing "terror suspects", who may indeed be innocent.
Its mentalities like yours which have let things degrade into what they are today

 

[Nate]

we should get some of those mad christian bastards to suicide bomb the middle east tbh.

We don't do suicide bombs, we Crusade!!!! <gets on horse> To arms!! For awwwwfuurrrrrrrr <points sword to the sky> hyaaaaa!

 

[Overdriven]

We don't do suicide bombs, we Crusade!!!! <gets on horse> To arms!! For awwwwfuurrrrrrrr <points sword to the sky> hyaaaaa!

Our horses would most probably break down and whine they're not being paid enough for doing it these days

 

[soze]

Remind me why exactly was Jean Charles de Menezes suspected?, ah yes he lived in a building containing terror suspects
what about the 2 people released because of wrongful arrest in February?
How about the 9 people in Birmingham who got his houses got raided because they attended a certain mosque?
And these are the ones we hear about because they went to the press, who knows how many are being held under the terror laws
99% may not be suspected, but the 1% who's lives have been ruined arent going to feel any better.

No sympahy here for Menzes. Firstly if a guy with a gun and a police badge tells me to lie down i will. What i would not do is run away from the police get to a crowd of people befor turning around and putting my hand in my bag. Remember how soon after the 7/7 bombings this was.

If this was in America this would it would be suicide by cop and no more would be said about it.

 

[Chronictank]

No sympahy here for Menzes. Firstly if a guy with a gun and a police badge tells me to lie down i will. What i would not do is run away from the police get to a crowd of people befor turning around and putting my hand in my bag. Remember how soon after the 7/7 bombings this was.

If this was in America this would it would be suicide by cop and no more would be said about it.

there was no police badge if i remember correctly, if a guy with a gun runs after me yelling stop i cannot honestly say i would hang around to find out what he wants , but lets not start this again there was a whole 20 page discussion last time round

And if this was america (thank god its not) there would be 4 yr olds wandering around with firearms

 

[Rookiescot]

Not sure if this is true or not .....but I was told today at work by a guy who has a relative at the hospital the burned bomber is being treated at.
Seems he died of his wounds but the police aint releasing the info.

At the very least I hope the hospital staff were/are pretty frugal with the pain killers

 

[Thadius]

we should get some of those mad christian bastards to suicide bomb the middle east tbh.. oh wait.. nothing worth blowing up.. and they wouldnt do it coz they know its fucking pointless in the grand scheme of things.

seriously.. if thats the best they can do these days.. i aint scared. and with each incident more and more of the bastards are identified along with their cells.

the bombbers in london ran away.. HA!! thats bravery for you.. and as for the guy in the car in glasgow.. is he gonna get a shock when he wakes up not in heaven with a load of virgins.. but with scottish police around him.

GJ police imo. we quick to criticise them when summit goes bad.. but when it goes right.. it goes right

Are they any virgins left in Scotland?

 

[Corran]

So all troops and civilians in iraq/afghanistan/syria etc etc..
are free game too?

Thats a pretty dangerous road you are proposing, the sad thing is we are already half way there,..
Brown will no doubt try and push the bill to detain people indefinitely. You do realise what happens even if you are a "suspected terrorist" dont you?

They can be taken in the middle of the night, with noone any the wiser to where they have gone, and when they are released because they are innocent (asuming a confession hasnt been tortured out of them and made as a scape goat), what job will they have when they havent shown up for a month? there is no compensation so in your opinion what exactly do you think they are going to do with their lives seeing as they will be branded a terrorist by everyone due to a "leaked" information to the public with their name. Gg your life is over because some made a mistake, and all you would get if your lucky is a "sorry we fuxored up, there will be a inquirey into how this happened"

I for one am scared shitless to the fact i could be in the wrong place at the wrong time and end up in a concentration camp on the other side of the world because the not-so-secret police decided i am a suspect, its all well and good spouting shit about how if your innocent it doesnt affect you, when its been proven repeatedly that it bloody well does

There is no suspected of being a terrorist in this case. Here we have two people that HAVE attempted to kill thousands of people in a single attack. Proven. No If's, No But's. It is a definate. The proof is there plain as day, that being the attempting to fucking drive into a packed airport with a rather shitty attempt of a car bomb.
Just because they didnt succeed means nothing. They have done it and so fair game.
If you are "suspected" then you wouldnt get the rough treatment that I suggested these people should be subjected too if they refuse to talk.
If it proven that you have gone out there in attempt to kill then why should you be protect from consequences? Afteral they didnt care about others civil rights and the right to live. Yet they will want to use their own civil rights as a defence against punishment? Nope, you can't in my opinion and to do so is bullshit.

We are a weak nation that allows people to take the piss, our foriegn policy has shown this to be the case for years.
As of now, our borders should be closed. No more immigrants/asylum etc. We are at war and the enemy is on our shores as well as abroad, there is no need to let them bring in reinforcements. This war has been ongoing since way before Iraq, it has been going on since the 70's (about 78 i think War against the west was declared). It is just recently that the war against the West has truelly made it across here, they havent had the ability to get west so the fight has been against people that had any relation to the west.

I have, and always will take a hard line in my views of these people. We are not perfect and the recent war may not have been the best choice, but to be quite honest that was merely another battle in a long feud that most likely will never end till one lot obliterates the other. Not a good scenerio I admit, but that is just how it looks. Wouldnt advocate obliterating anyone though, just hope they dont get the ability to nuke the fuck out of us.

 

[Chronictank]

There is no suspected of being a terrorist in this case. Here we have two people that HAVE attempted to kill thousands of people in a single attack. Proven. No If's, No But's. It is a definate. The proof is there plain as day, that being the attempting to fucking drive into a packed airport with a rather shitty attempt of a car bomb.
Just because they didnt succeed means nothing. They have done it and so fair game.
If you are "suspected" then you wouldnt get the rough treatment that I suggested these people should be subjected too if they refuse to talk.
If it proven that you have gone out there in attempt to kill then why should you be protect from consequences? Afteral they didnt care about others civil rights and the right to live. Yet they will want to use their own civil rights as a defence against punishment? Nope, you can't in my opinion and to do so is bullshit.

I understand that but you are eroding human rights, and doing the exact thing you claim to be against,
where will you draw the line is my point, the same techiniques will be used on suspects (not people like the ones mentioned above, but the ones they grab off the street), and it will happen if they are given even a little bit of rope. They will simply start getting confessions for sake of poilitical motives via torture, this country would be no better than Iraq under Sadaam. It's a slipery slope and the current government is more than happy to exploit it.

We are a weak nation that allows people to take the piss, our foriegn policy has shown this to be the case for years.
As of now, our borders should be closed. No more immigrants/asylum etc. We are at war and the enemy is on our shores as well as abroad, there is no need to let them bring in reinforcements. This war has been ongoing since way before Iraq, it has been going on since the 70's (about 78 i think War against the west was declared). It is just recently that the war against the West has truelly made it across here, they havent had the ability to get west so the fight has been against people that had any relation to the west.

I have, and always will take a hard line in my views of these people. We are not perfect and the recent war may not have been the best choice, but to be quite honest that was merely another battle in a long feud that most likely will never end till one lot obliterates the other. Not a good scenerio I admit, but that is just how it looks. Wouldnt advocate obliterating anyone though, just hope they dont get the ability to nuke the fuck out of us.

I agree with you that immigration is out of control, but closing the borders is not the solution, lets face it Britain as a nation is horribly arrogant, there are certain jobs we dont do and immigrants are used to fill the gap. immigration is needed in this country not only to fill the skills gap but to do jobs where there is a shortage of people (i am not up to date on whats needed but it used ot be nurses and health workers).
A far better solution would be to cut all money hand outs, if a immigrant enters the country they either get a job or they stay in a immigration camp, there are hundreds of abandoned army bases in the Uk, why not convert them into places for the immigrants to stay, they are given no money at all simply the afacilities required for a reasonable quality of life. These bases have cantines, schools, medical facilities already there and for a mass scale, schools can be made to teach their kids and they can all be given a lijmited time before they are deported, say 3 years to find a job or they are out.
You solve 2 problems, 1 the uncontrolled immigration as when they get here they will see no free money, and second you control the immigration population and weed out the bad ones.

As for foreign policy, hate breeds hate.. You attack a country dont expect them to thank you for it, prime example Afghanistan. We will never win there simply because the population didnt want us there in the first place, i have said it before but i believe there is a natural evolution in the social and political growth of a country. Prime example being China, they started as a Monarchy, then through social reform moved to a Communist state as peoples ideas of a quality of living changed. Finally they are slowly moving to a democracy as the state becomes more liberal, that is how a country is suppose to evolve.
In contrast look at every country which is the result of invasion,
Israel; As a country it was a complete faliour, its economy relied on foreign donations, 0.07% of Israel's total GDP is still donated by the US (about $120 mil) and relies on diamond imports (it has the largest diamond cutting and polishing industry in the world) until rescently (last 10-20 yrs or so) when development in other fields has made it one of the leading biomedical and software development countries in the world. It may have ended well but most countries dont have billions pumped into them by the US , in addition it still has problems which dont need mentioning

Nigeria; The country is a mess, since gaining independance from the UK it has had 3 military coups, and still has widespread violence to control the oil producing land. In addition there is ethnic and scretarian violence still happening. There is currently a shortage in doctors and medical facilities

Korea, Yemen, Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, Iraq, Bosnia, Syria, Iran, Kosovo and to a lesser extent Russia (altho this one was unavoidable in all fairness), Brunei, Pakistan

Military action simply doesnt work, if you want to reduce extermism you simply kill the causes, pull the country out of the gutter economically to increase the average income of the populous and you will remove poverty resulting in less people being desperate enough to join organisations such as Al'Quaeda.
Open up trade with said countries, money is a hell of alot louder than most differences, if trade flourishes so do diplomatic relations. The problem is however our yankee allies have decided they want all the oil in the middle east so this one is going to be pretty hard to achieve.
Dont interfere with a countries internal politics and you give them no reason to resent you,

just my 2 pence

 

[Dahakon]

Military action simply doesnt work, if you want to reduce extermism you simply kill the causes, pull the country out of the gutter economically to increase the average income of the populous and you will remove poverty resulting in less people being desperate enough to join organisations such as Al'Quaeda.
Open up trade with said countries, money is a hell of alot louder than most differences, if trade flourishes so do diplomatic relations. The problem is however our yankee allies have decided they want all the oil in the middle east so this one is going to be pretty hard to achieve.
Dont interfere with a countries internal politics and you give them no reason to resent you,

rep. Very true, like Bill Hicks said, if we take all the money spent on weapons and just give it to the poor people of the world, then there would be no more wars (to very roughly paraphrase).

This war has been ongoing since way before Iraq, it has been going on since the 70's (about 78 i think War against the west was declared).

Would you mind explaining what you are talking about here? There has been resentment in the Near East since the 50's against what they saw as "westernised governments" in their own countries, however there was never a war against the west declared then. Even in the 1980's the West backed these groups when they fought in Afghanistan against the soviets, so it was hardly a war going on then.

 

[soze]

rep. Very true, like Bill Hicks said, if we take all the money spent on weapons and just give it to the poor people of the world, then there would be no more wars (to very roughly paraphrase).

While i could believe that in a civil war extrmists are not bombing us because they want money. Its not really true that pulling out now could stop it all. The fanatics are killing us because White people who are not musmilms are Devils and should die. So imo giving them money would not change anything in the fanatics minds.

 

[Calaen]

I agree with Corran. No one will ever be caught or punished Chronics views. I have had enough of us pussy footing around as a nation to please everyone else. I have no problems with people coming over here and paying there way, like most people that come here do. I do have a problem with illegals sneaking in sponging of us then trying to kill us because we do not do things there way.

I do not give a shit about anyone supposed human rights after they have made there stance known. You drive a car with equipment in it to cause death and destruction and get caught. They should be punished severely tortured, poked and probed till they have nothing left to tell then they should be killed. Arrest everyone named and repeat the process.

People might not like it, but we as a country are very laid back, however when you push someone too far the reaction is far worse. There will be severe reactions if these people carry on as they do and I doubt it will be pretty.

As for that Brazilian bloke? I do not really give a shit, if someone with a gun tells me to stop it will be done, running will get you no where other than down on the ground. The police acted in the best interests of safety for people in the area who had families and friends.

 

[Chronictank]

While i could believe that in a civil war extrmists are not bombing us because they want money. Its not really true that pulling out now could stop it all. The fanatics are killing us because White people who are not musmilms are Devils and should die. So imo giving them money would not change anything in the fanatics minds.

It's not about giving them money, there is so much hypocracy in terms of international relations what do you honestly expect will happen?
Prime example is ireland, when David Trimble (UUP) won the election in 44 the british government refused to deal with him. Fighting breaks out between those who want independance and those who dont, resulting in a near enough all out war in NE between the 2 factions. A state of emergency is declared and the british army is called in.
Ask yourself in the end how did they force no 10 into talking to them, they took the war to english soil bombing various targets forcing the government to deal with them, a la Belfast Agreement.

Now take this example and draw a parallel to todays events;
Hamas won the election and Israel refused to ackowledge the government, which in turn resulted in the yanks and the british governments to do the ame.
They forced them out by cutting funds to the Palestinian Authority, in addition the US funded the Fatah groups with guns and training wih the purpose of overthrowing Hamas.
In June 03 fighting results in a state of emergency, and Mahmoud Abbas (Fatah) is put into power, (beginning to sound familiar?). Hamas take power again via military force and we end up with Israel invading the west bank and creating that whole mess. terrorist attacks in the uk happen

The same is now being done in Iran..

How can you honestly expect them to co-operate if thats the current British foreign policy?

I agree with Corran. No one will ever be caught or punished Chronics views.

My way stops the cause and ends all this mess, you seem to prefer to live in a Nazi state where you rather wage wars on countries to create more hate.
See i can make moronic summaries too,

You have basically said its ok to take peoples freedom so long as it isnt you, BNP i hear is looking for members


Editted to be less offensive

 

[Calaen]

My way stops the cause and ends all this mess, you seem to prefer to live in a Nazi state where you rather wage wars on countries to create more hate.
See i can make moronic summaries too,

You have basically said its ok to take peoples freedom so long as it isnt you, BNP i hear is looking for members


Editted to be less offensive

Strange thing is I vote Labour everytime, I also object to my friend who votes BNP souting of his racist & fascist shit when I am around.

I am simply an average person who is sick to the high heavens of hearing the minority of muslims whining and crying like little babies. If they want to come and commit acts of terrorism let them try it as tourists so we can scan them at every airport they come into my country in.

It is to easy for them to come and scrounge and then turn on us when all we do is give them something they will never have, a normal country with normal people who more times than not do respect other peoples thoughts/religions without trying to behead them if we disagree.

Another thing I have no problem with any ID cards being made compulsory, I have nothing to hide and I never will have. So i think it is a safe bet I will never be at the wrong end of a terrorist arrest.

 

[Chronictank]

Strange thing is I vote Labour everytime, I also object to my friend who votes BNP souting of his racist & fascist shit when I am around.

I am simply an average person who is sick to the high heavens of hearing the minority of muslims whining and crying like little babies. If they want to come and commit acts of terrorism let them try it as tourists so we can scan them at every airport they come into my country in.

Erm, that isnt the issue we are discussing at all is it?
The dicussion was removing human rights to terrorist suspects, not those convicted, not those who have been caught in the act but suspects.

It is to easy for them to come and scrounge and then turn on us when all we do is give them something they will never have, a normal country with normal people who more times than not do respect other peoples thoughts/religions without trying to behead them if we disagree.

Hate to break it to you, but it was the british government who called "them" to the country in the first place to fill the skills gap when the economy was going tits up. Britain has had close ties to countries in Asia since the time of the british empire, particularly Pakistan and India who still maintain strong links between the countries (but not as strong as they used to be).

Regarding respecting the throughs/religions, it takes respect to get respect, and considering the position we are currently in it is a uphill struggle to get back what Mr Blair in his crusade to go down in history has so effectively destroyed. Their methods may be regarded as cruel by you, but if you push people far enough it is very obvious now what happens, read my previous post for examples.
If you go into someones house uninvited, destroy their property, take anything of value, replace all the locks on the doors, force your beliefs on them, and windows then stand there and expect thanks.. what reponce do you think you will get?

 

[Takhasis]

found this on another discussion forum....

By Kahlid Ahmed, MD
Board Certified Gastroenterologist and former Jihad Associate, al Qaeda UK
———————————————-
Ever have “one of those days?” Sure, all of us go through the occasional rough patch, but I swear there are times when I think Allah must really have it in for me. I mean, I know the “Big Guy” is supposed to have a sense of humour, but do I always have to be the punchline?

Take for example this last week. A few mates and I had been planning a big martyrdom weekend for quite a while; it’s something we first began discussing a few years ago in medical school back in Amman. We were sitting around the dorm eating pizza, cramming for a big anatomy final, when Ali said “you know, after graduation, we should get together for something really big.” We talked about a fishing trip to Canada or something, but most of the guys thought that sounded pretty boring. Abdul suggested a golf weekend in Cancun, but the all-inclusives there can get pretty pricey in-season. Hassan (who’s really into motorcycles) suggested renting Harleys and going to Sturgis for the Biker Rally, but we heard that crowd can get pretty rowdy.

Anyhoo, Achmed finally says, “how about packing cars with explosives and killing hundreds of random infidels in a coordinated series of gigantic fireballs?” And we’re like, ****in’ A! Not only would it be an awesome bonding experience (with plenty of Paradise poontang, LOL), we would be doing a valuable community service. Okay, so we high-fived and made a solemn promise that we’d target two years after graduation for the big weekend prank blowout.

I know how it usually goes with these kinds of fraternity things; what with starting up a medical practice, honor killing obligations, and starting a family, it’s easy to lose touch with the old school buddies. But this thing — our thing — was serious, you know? Thanks to email we were able to keep in touch and keep the plan going. As luck would have it, we all won Achmedinijad scholarships to do our residencies in England for the National Health Service. We got our families together most every weekend for backyard cookouts and self-flagellation and TV football matches. Afterwards me and the other guys would slip out to the garage for cigars, and to pack shrapnel.

So okay, the big weekend arrives, and the guys come over to my place bright and early, everybody’s jazzed about rolling up some kufr carnage. All the propane tanks and propellant and nail cannisters are ready to go. I look at Ali and say, “okay mate, back up your car to the garage and I’ll start loading it up.” He gets this dumbstruck look on his face and says, “my car? I thought Hassan was going to do the martyrdom.” And then Hassan does a massive spit-take with his tea, and he’s like, “whoa dude, I rigged the cell phones, I didn’t agree to blow up. I thought Mohammed was going to do the blowing up.” Then Mohammed’s like, “don’t look at me, pal, I thought I was just providing the spiritual guidance. Plus my car’s in the shop for transmission work.” From there it just descended into this big shouting match. Holy frickin’ prophet, two years of planning this prank and now everybody wants to pussy out on the actual martyrdom.

Long story short, we decided to draw straws. And guess who wins? Yep, yours truly, good old sucker Khalid, the same guy with a pile of charge card receipts for petrol and propane and hardware. The same guy who ended up having to host two thirds of the martyrdom planning parties at HIS house, because his good old college “pals” always have some convenient excuse about “kitchen remodeling” or “MI6 surveillance,” and never lift a finger to help clean up the empty bottles or paper plates or the C5 mess. Well, you know what they say: no good deed goes unpunished. Then the other short straw get pulled by Bilal, and I’m like, oh, great. Now I’ll be banging some celestial virgin with that ****** looking over my shoulder.

So, I’m like, “okay, whose donating the cars?” And these dicks just look around at each other, and ANOTHER big argument breaks out, because “I still have 28 payments left,” or “it’s due for a tyre rotation,” or some other lame excuse. So we draw straws again to pick the explosion cars, and guess who wins? Yup, my Benz, the same ****ing car I just paid £129.95 to have detailed. So I go to the house and tell my wife Jumanah about the whole deal, and here it comes — The Look. complete with the whole exasperated eye roll and head shake. I swear, if her dad wasn’t my uncle, I’d be tempted to smack that irritating sneer right off her face. So she’s like, “fine, go have your fun with your lazy jihad buddies and your 72 virgins. Just leave me the keys to the Jeep so I can get groceries.”

After that, I guess I was pretty much ready to get it over with. I called up the office and had them cancel the rest of my patient appointments for the day and drove the Benz to London, which incidentally cost me another £40 for gas and tolls. When I got to Picadilly and parked in front of the nightclub and called Achmed on my cell to let ‘er rip. Nothing. I sat there waiting 3 minutes waiting for the cell phone detonator to go off, nothing. I saw a cop walking toward the Benz, so I hopped out and started booking it and almost got run over by a double decker. I got on the Tube, thinking I was safe, but then all the stupid racist kufrs started giving me the stinkeye because apparently they’re freaked by panting Arabs smelling of gasoline. I got out in Ealing and went to the mosque where the other guys were supposed to be, and they’re all standing around like a bunch of sheepish idiots. So I’m like, “WTF? What happened with the detonation?”

Get this: Mohammed, whose only job it was to call in a simple ****ing detonation code, switched his cell carrier to get the new iPhone and forgot to transfer his goddamn detonation contact list. So I’m like, “how about Bilal? Did he explode? Please tell me exploded.” The dopey expressions around the room told me otherwise. Faaaack. Now there’s NO dead infidels, NO horny virgins, and I’m out one leased Mercedes with a £12,000 balloon payment.

So I go, “here’s the deal guys. I just put my ass on the martrydom line, and it was Allah’s will that it didn’t happen. So why don’t we just call it good, and try again in another two years.” Crissakes, you would have thought I just took a dump in their falafel. They started talking about “Ummah Pride,” and “giving it all for ol’ Central Jordan U..”

So I said fine, let’s draw straws again. Because, hey, what are the odds of me pulling martyrdom duty twice in a row? Guess I should have been a stat major, because there I was holding the short stick again. When Bilal pulled the other short stick, I just went ahead and volunteered my Jeep because I figured the way this day was going it was gonna get blown up one way or the other.

When Bilal and I got back to my house Jumanah had just gotten back from Tesco and was unloading groceries. “I thought you were supposed to be in Paradise by now,” she said, in that stupid irritating voice. “Change of plans,” I said. “We need to head up to Glasgow to blow up the airport.”
Here it came again. The Look.

“Um, and we need to use the Jeep.”

The Look X 2.

“And our faces are all over the TV, so we need you to drive us.”
I won’t even bother trying to describe her face at that point. We loaded up the rest of the explosive cannisters in the back of the Jeep and headed north on the M1 in the middle of the out-of-town holiday rush traffic. Jumanah pretty much seethed the entire way, complaining about the traffic and the gasoline fumes. Needless to say when we finally got to Glasgow and dropped her off at a roadside cafe, I was pretty much geared up for the sweet release of death.

Okay, so Bilal and I get psyched up, check all the equipment to make sure it’s ready for a big boom, point the Jeep at the terminal, and mash the throttle. I’m shouting “Allahu Akbar,” and Bilal’s shouting “Allahu Akbar” and “Go Martyrs” just like the old pep squad days at CJU. And I’m thinking, “oil up them virgins Allah, ’cause Dr. K’s luck is about to change.” BAAAAM! Right into the glass.

I was probably out for a two, three seconds. Bilal and I peeled our broken noses out of the airbags, which meant we were still alive, which meant the goddamn cannisters didn’t explode, again. Maybe we went through into the terminal and killed some infidels, I thought, then I saw we hadn’t made it in more than a couple inches into the terminal. I mean, WTF? The Jeep salesman kept going on about how the Jeep was this awesome unstoppable American SUV that crusader cowboys use to bulldoze their way through mountain forests, with an easy payment plan, and the damn thing can’t make it through a bloody plate glass window. I restart the engine and now the piece of **** just sits there spinning the tyres. “All wheel traction,” my arse.

Okay, plan B. Bilal and I start pushing backup detonation buttons and cell codes. A couple of pops, but they were all duds. Then I see the cops coming at me.

As Allah is my witness, I really can’t explain what happened next; maybe it was stress, or confusion, or frustration. Whatever the reason, I decided it was a reasonable idea at that point to pour a can of petrol over my head and hit the Bic.

Here’s a handy health tip from Doctor K: if you ever get a wild urge to start yourself on fire, sit down and relax until it goes away. Because (A) it’s not a particularly useful method for killing infidels, and (B) it. hurts. like. a. mother****er. So much that I almost enjoyed the distraction those high-pressure water canons and getting my lights punched out by that crazy mumble-mouthed Scottish baggage handler.

By the way, did I mention I also started the Jeep on fire? Only 37 more payments of £438 to go.

After that, I really didn’t mind getting bludgeoned by those angry bagpipers. The sound was horrible, but at least they got the rest of the flames out. I was almost relieved when the cops were cuffing me face down on the pavement, because by that point I was pretty much reconsidering this whole college martyrdom pledge prank thIng and I figured the worst was over.
No such luck. Here’s another handy health tip from Doctor K: if your skin is half melted and bubbly hot, avoid laying down on any surfaces that aren’t Teflon coated. And please note: the Glasgow sidewalks aren’t.

After a half hour with a spatula and ten cans of Pam, the cops finally got 95% or so of me peeled off the sidewalk. I looked down at my legs and realized that I’ll be saving a lot of money on clothes from now on, because I’m sporting a permanent pair of melted-on black polyester trousers.

And then the kicker: I looked down at my package and noticed “Little Khalid” was AWOL. As they were loading me into the the police wagon I glanced back over my shoulder and saw what was was left of him charbroiling on the sidewalk. Then one of the bomb sniffing dogs gobbled him down like a snausage. A fat lot of good those 72 virgin are going to me now.

Final box score: I’m out one Mercedes, one Jeep, £2000 in miscellaneous bomb materials, three layers of skin, and one very low-mileage penis. Infidels killed: nil. So the next time you want to bitch to me about how bad your day is going, don’t expect a lot of sympathy.

Well, gotta go. The interrogators are coming, and afterwards I’ve got an appointment to have my arse skin grafted on to my face. But I will leave you with one more handy tip from Doctor K: no matter how many virgins they promise, don’t ever join a fraternity.