If you know there's no future= break-up?

[old.Tohtori]

Fair point from her side though. Although i would of said that thats some bullshit bringing you out there and telling you to fuck off (oh yeah, and i think its healthy for a relationship to go out without your partner)

and isnt that situation kinda ironic in some way?

In a deep f'cked up level, aye. I wouldn't mind the "i'm gonna go dickhunting now" thing, if she hadn't been all over me for the past 4 hours or so and telling how much she likes me.

Not about it being a her though, it's about going somehwere as a group of any form, with someone, and then f'cking off on their own.

 

[old.Osy]

So she's a nutcase. Step away, son. Plenty of other fish in the tank.

 

[old.Tohtori]

So she's a nutcase. Step away, son. Plenty of other fish in the tank.

Oh aye, that became clear. Well, live and learn.

Dodged a mine there as SHE f*cked up

Also, now, as she knows she was wrong and i was cool about it, i own her a**

 

[Calaen]

WELL....a little update as you all surely must feel like hearing it.

Things never came up, as said, not worth even talking about.

Today, normal evening, go watch a fireworks show, nice neough, huggy huggy, kissy kissy.

"You're so good for me", from her.

Etc. The usual.

Well, 1:30am rolls on. We're at a club/pub. Having a smoke outside, she's all apologetic, saying she really likes me..but..

Aye...but...

She'd really like to spend the night by herself to learn this new club, to meet new people.

Right. "No worries, i'll head on home and you lemme know if there's any trouble." Hell, can't help it, i am who i am.

Stand at bus station, waiting for the bus home, raining, and something i've not felt in 10(or more) years stirs in mah belly. You people know i don't say this lightly. Anger. Not the kind like "oh shucks, my tea is overboiling", but the kind that makes you start wars and slaughter small animals. Deep, burning, serious anger.

Here i am, with a girl, spending time and she's saying things like she likes me, REALLY likes me, huggy kissy, nomnom of a starting thing and then...blam..."i'd like to spend some time at this club by myself".

Seriously. Can i pick 'em or can i pick 'em...karma, sympathy, denial...all the women i need it seems.

You're to busy asking hypothetical questions about relationships on the internet and the girl that you over heard talking about things on the telephone, about wanting to have kids and what not just wants to go clubbing and get banged like gordon ramsays oven door.


Stop mulling over it and just let shit happen on its own.

It's safe to say more women than not want kids you should join match.com they have an amazing female to male ratio and they probably mention on their profile that they dont want kids.


To respond to the question you asked me after my intial post I dont waste my time thinking about what could would, should, happen, I let things run their course and deal with any fall outs as and when they occur.

 

[old.Tohtori]

You're to busy asking hypothetical questions about relationships on the internet and the girl that you over heard talking about things on the telephone, about wanting to have kids and what not just wants to go clubbing and get banged like gordon ramsays oven door.


Stop mulling over it and just let shit happen on its own.

"not" to be rude, but you can f*ck right off. I've quite had it with your "no you're wrong" attitude, which you made abundently clear last time.

Noone said i don't let things happen as they go along, this post was never about it.

Seriously hard to get people talking about the issue not the example it seems.

 

[Calaen]

I never said you were wrong in my post at all. You overheard a conversation then came on here and asked a hypothetical question (as usual) you hit the club with her and she pretty much tells you to fuck off so she can get laid.

Whether you want to admit it or not you over think situations way to much. just because you stick the "but its all hypothetical because I have already made my mind up" disclaimer at the bottom of your posts does not mean you are not mulling over it.

 

[old.Tohtori]

I never said you were wrong in my post at all. You overheard a conversation then came on here and asked a hypothetical question (as usual) you hit the club with her and she pretty much tells you to fuck off so she can get laid.

Whether you want to admit it or not you over think situations way to much. just because you stick the "but its all hypothetical because I have already made my mind up" disclaimer at the bottom of your posts does not mean you are not mulling over it.

It does actually, that's why the "disclaimer" is there for f'cks sake.

You make i sound like this post magically was the reason i happened to go clubbing with a b*tch.

FH might effect your life decicions mine doesn't and FH isn't my driving force.

And nice lil ocp-out there "admit or not", basic bullsh*T "yeah but you're in denial", i'm not "see?". And since you're one of those who has to use a statement like that and want to judge everything as a "big issue", i think you should look in the mirror and consider your life instead of trying to control mine.

 

[russell]

So she's a nutcase. Step away, son. Plenty of other fish in the tank.

Why is she a nutcase?

Imo something happened between the 'kissy kissy.. you're so good for me' and the' i want to explore this club on my own'.
This switched her from hot to trot to luke warm.

Talking about the bigger issue as opposed to the relevent example.... in general I think honesty is the best policy, but that there is a time and a place for the big deep issues, and this will arise in due course.

I had a 'friend' who slept with loads of random women but was always honest about the fact that he just wanted sex and fun. He was lovely and all the women knew about each other but they still liked him cos he was so lovely and didnt lead them to believe it would ever be anything more than sex. No deception, all above board and great sex ( so I believe)

I think that thinking things through is a sign of intelligence and sensitivity.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Why is she a nutcase?
Imo something happened between the 'kissy kissy.. you're so good for me' and the' i want to explore this club on my own'.
This switched her from hot to trot to luke warm.

Nothing did, unless she met some guy while on the can.

It was from hot to trot to luke warm in a nanosec.

 

[Edmond]

nothing did, unless she met some guy while on the can.

lol

 

[Reiken]

I may be highjacking..

I'm in a relationship that spans for 6 years now..
Now in the beginning, I wanted to get married and have one or two kids. She didn't want either.

After six years I still want a (wedding-?)party, but now I only want to get married because of the party and not so much for the institution.. which I now also think is rather silly. I still want to have one kid and funny enough.. so does she.

During these years we've openly discussed about our different opinions and wondered openly if there was a real point to all this, but always decided f'all points and lets just be happy together - what happends, happends and what doesn't... uh. You get it.


While this might not have any relevance to Tohtoris (past-?)situation, I still feel should come out with it. It is important to have common ground with your girlfriend in these matters, but its should not be all important that neither you nor she just cant grow out of those opinions. Because no matter how much you both agree in the beginning, people change regardless of the company they keep, not everyone nor all the time, but if they do and you aren't ready for it... A relationship should be based on more than a set of things you agree upon.

In Finland especially there's a problem with relationships starting out with spesific goals set and then the couple growing out of the need for those goals or simply finding out ten years later that they don't have much in common outside those 'goals'. All those years the couples never show real intrest in eachother, since the things they have in common are the things that they began with and not their personalities or whatever.
75% of all marriages end in divorce (in Finland) because this kind of lack of communication.



Oh damn.. sorry. I totally wrote a bunch of bs again..

 

[Bugz]

I agree w/ what Reiken said (if I understood it correctly).

If you spend too long in a relationship wondering over the future - what you both want and don't want etc. then you are dooming yourself already.

Instead, just roll with it, enjoy the times and see how they pan out.

Oh and of course, never listen to FH because they take the pessimistic 'she'll shag your dad, take your money, cut off your balls' approach!

 

[old.Osy]

I agree w/ what Reiken said (if I understood it correctly).

If you spend too long in a relationship wondering over the future - what you both want and don't want etc. then you are dooming yourself already.

Instead, just roll with it, enjoy the times and see how they pan out.

Oh and of course, never listen to FH because they take the pessimistic 'she'll shag your dad, take your money, cut off your balls' approach!

You'd have the same approach if you had dealt with so many women as the FH OT crew, tbfh.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Oh and of course, never listen to FH because they take the pessimistic 'she'll shag your dad, take your money, cut off your balls' approach!

In this case, it's the right assumption :lol:

 

[Bugz]

Hoho!

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

Short version:

How would she react if she thought you weren't able to have children? Or is the family thing an excuse for you to extricate yourself from a potential relationship, rather than being a genuine issue? You mention she hasn't said anything to you directly, but perhaps the overheard conversation was designed for you to hear as a test. People can be darned sneaky you know

Now, go listen to The Offspring, "She's Got Issues". This will offer a lot of wisdom on the subject.


Rambling version:

This is generalising mostly as there is very little detail in the original post, other than an indication of emotional unavailability on your part.

It would be interesting to know why she wants to start a family. What need is being fulfilled.

For some, starting a family is a narcisistic way to be loved while being able to avoid intimacy with a partner (intimacy is not just sex, its an honest sharing of feelings, something which most people hide from to a greater or lesser degree). Children of course, allow you to show love while being completely in control because in the early years they are completely dependant on the adult(s). They also don't require much in the way of emotional honesty because the intimacy is on a relatively simple/superficial level.
The clues will be in her background/home environment.

Nasty paragraph next. Feminists may want to skip it:

For some women, starting a family is a relatively sure way to maintain an income without going to work. Before people go nuts at me for saying this, I have actually encountered people like this and its a cold, cold thing but it happens. I've seen women get pregnant just to get a council house - it can be a way out of a dreadful home environment sometimes. I know a particular woman who's been through two husbands and is working on her third. She's deliberately had children to both hubbies (knowing in one case that he explicitly did not want children and she was supposed to be on the pill), then dumped them once her income is secure. Cold, cold way to operate but it happens.

From here on is Feminist-safe

It would be interesting to find out where she places a relationship in her priorities. For instance, if children appeared (because we all know that the stork brings them, right?), which would be more important, to serve the children's immediate/daily needs or to have a functioning and properly intimate relationship. Does she believe the children come first in all things, or does a secure and stable relationship providing a nurturing environment come first. Which will she work harder at? Which will *you* work harder at?

Thats slightly loaded the way I've worded it because of course my own beliefs come into it.

Toh, sounds like she's caused you to start thinking bigger things than you're comfortable with yet. No harm in that.

One last thing: never, ever, ever...try to change people. If someone wants to effect change in themselves, help if you can. If not, don't force it. There is nothing wrong with raising issues into awareness (better of course if done in a positive, non-threatening way) and then people can make their own decisions about whether they think they want to, or are capable of, change.

This applies to her belief systems as well - she should not try to change you. If you are not ready, you're not ready. You'll be ready when its the right time for you to be ready. (man I could have so much fun playing with those words but I'll stop before I lose the point hehe). It would be inappropriate for her to manouever you into starting a family, just as it would be inappropriate for you to prevent her from having a family, if that is a driving need of hers. This is a bit Captain Obvious, but doesn't hurt to mention.

From the Tao Te Ching:

"The universe is sacred.
You cannot improve it.
If you try to change it, you will ruin it.
If you try to hold it, you will lose it."

While all these things are interesting (or not, of course hehe), her 'stuff' is secondary in this particular discussion, I mention possibilities for her 'stuff' and have no way of knowing if I'm close to the mark or dropping nukes on the wrong country. What's going on for you? Uncomfortable with any relationship at all, or just this (potential) one? No need to answer on here but examination of this will give some clues as to how you'll be happy in your life (ya, rly). Most people think they know themselves but really, most don't very well - everyone examines safe areas that they are comfortable in but shy away from areas of discomfort about themselves. A very useful model for examining this here: Johari Window model

Yeh, I'm working nightshift. Lotta time on my hands