dumped after five years

[Tilda]

imo, its definatly a good idea to have your own group of "lads".
While its all good playing gold with her dad every now and then, if her family starts to become your life, I think its going a bit far.
Keep your own social circle while also doing stuff with her family imo.
Its all about ballance.

 

[tris-]

Feeling much better today, much better.

Had another cracking night last night, met a beautiful Irish girl with the bluest eyes (think she was 24). She gave me her phone number.

this is all well good but its not necessary. it seems like you would do anything just be with anyone. no offence intended of course. think about it...

now im not as old as you, or been with someone as long, but i know this -

a partner isnt everything. after a while you get to a point where you cannot function without one. like you arnt worth anything unless you feel like you know someone wants you. you cant fully be your self without knowing someone likes you anyway, so you dont need to impress anyone, because at least someone is there.

. Is it such a good idea to get so engraned with someone else's life/ways? I feel that perhaps I needed my own world, my own personal persuits, my own strong social circle (lads nights) without her because now that she's gone it's taken a significant chunk of my life away.

even in everyday single life id probably suggest at least 2 different social circles. with a bitch,you should mingle with her mates but you need a circle of people who really are mates too

 

[old.user4556]

this is all well good but its not necessary. it seems like you would do anything just be with anyone. no offence intended of course. think about it...

I disagree, it's part of the healing process - I need to see how I really feel inside, maybe it was right to break up, maybe i do need to move on. Whilst this new girl is lovely, i've still got my ex in the back of my mind so I know it'll be nothing more than a couple of dates - perhaps not, i don't know unless I don't try.

When i was 18/19/20, I was happy on my own and have girls come in and out of my life, I was young. But now i'm (nearly) 26 and in a high powered career, I can't go out to student nights frequently, I can't meet people at my work (unless smelly, beardy old unix operators are your thing), a lot of people my age are getting engaged or are already married. My mates don't really go out that often anymore, they're happy with nights in their flats or in an old man's pub, the opportunity to meet new people is slim.

I'm not saying time is running out, but meeting quality non-random women wasn't remotely as good or opportunistic as it used to be.

 

[rynnor]

I'm not saying time is running out, but meeting quality non-random women wasn't remotely as good or opportunistic as it used to be.

Aye, you dont wanna get stuck with one of the unpopular lines or with a second hand model...

If someone returned it to the shop you have to ask yourself why

But seriously if your not happy with your current circles of friends try a new activity - my mate swears by running - you get to meet lots of fit women and even if you dont click with em you can always run behind em for the view

 

[DaGaffer]

I disagree, it's part of the healing process - I need to see how I really feel inside, maybe it was right to break up, maybe i do need to move on. Whilst this new girl is lovely, i've still got my ex in the back of my mind so I know it'll be nothing more than a couple of dates - perhaps not, i don't know unless I don't try.

When i was 18/19/20, I was happy on my own and have girls come in and out of my life, I was young. But now i'm (nearly) 26 and in a high powered career, I can't go out to student nights frequently, I can't meet people at my work (unless smelly, beardy old unix operators are your thing), a lot of people my age are getting engaged or are already married. My mates don't really go out that often anymore, they're happy with nights in their flats or in an old man's pub, the opportunity to meet new people is slim.

I'm not saying time is running out, but meeting quality non-random women wasn't remotely as good or opportunistic as it used to be.

Fucking LOL. You poor old man you. You're 26, not 66. Average age for a bloke to get married in the UK is now 33. I think you have a few years yet before you're on the shelf

 

[Gef]

Jeez i'm 27 and I still party like its 1999 .. well okay maybe not, maybe I just get drunk a lot and dance badly to music I dont really like. But hey, the social opportunities are there if you dont mind ridicule.

 

[old.user4556]

Just to say thanks to everyone on this thread.

It's been two weeks now and it's still very much an up and down situation with my moods and feelings. I spoke to her mother on the phone yesterday (was looking for my ex), it hurt a lot because i was expecting a "leave her alone" but she told me how much she missed me and that I was part of their family and so much fun to be around. She said exactly what I said about my ex, she felt like someone had died in her life. It touched me so deeply, it meant so much to me.

She said she felt that my ex had probably just "grown up" and seen things whilst away that made her realise she's not ready to settle down just now. The fact she was going to "semi" move into the flat has probably just spooked her now that it's finally here.

It was just a big a shock to her parents as it was to me, it came completely out of the blue. There were no indicators, or conversations; infact, she was saying how much she wanted me to be there with her right up to those last two days - and then, out of the blue (after the jealous outrage) she just knee-jerked into her decision. Her mum can't understand the level of ostracism when we've been so close for so long and had such close family ties with so many big occasions coming up (21st party, my cousins engagement party etc).

I also heard she failed her exam, so she's flunked uni and will need to take a year out then repeat a year, or probably leave. She'll no longer be with her friends - fuck knows what's going on in her head right now, and there is nothing I can do to help.

Despite all of our differences, despite all of her female bitchy traits when looking back and analysing it all; I still just can't understand someone that cries her eyes out before I leave, phones me after two days telling me she badly wanted me there, sends me cute texts every day, tells her parents she wanted me there, made love to me when she came home yet the day prior has decided that after five years she wanted to end it all in the space of two fucking days?

wtf.

 

[Trem]

Its important to not think too much about how she acted.

Never can figure women out apart from they seem to want the complete opposite of what men think they want in these situations....if you get me.

We think we should pester them, they want to left alone etc.

 

[old.user4556]

You're probably right Trem, i'm trying to be too Mr Spock about it.

I'm trying to quantify her behaivour. If she didn't cry before leaving, didn't miss me, didn't phone or text, came home from the airport and told me when we got in that she didn't miss me and that she had time to realise that she wanted different things in life and it would be best to part; maybe I could swallow it a lot better.

But no, she cried her eyes out before she left, phoned and texted everyday telling me she wanted me to be there, bought me presents, fucked my brains out on the sofa. Then ended it.

This exam failing and being cut off from friends; I know she'll maybe need me more than ever before.

 

[Trem]

Aye but thats very selfish on her part. If her life was hunky dorey she wouldn't want you.

You will be great, much better than she will be this time in 12 months.

 

[old.user4556]

I'm already better that way; i have my career, my beemer and my penthouse flat - i know it sounds arrogant and material but I didn't rely on her for anything other than "her" so thankfully she can't use the "you're nothing without me" because it's clearly her that's in the fucked up situation. Her aside, i've got everything; she's now got nothing. Few friends and no career. I know that this is just something that she needs out of her system, whatever that "something" is.

I called again tonight to see if she was about, instead got her wee sister who sounded really down. Not that it matters a shit, but again, she told me how down she was that I wasn't around. Although she was a shit at times and we argued now and again, she was like a little sister to me and she always looked up to me for things. She misses me a lot.

I asked her for some insight into if anything went wrong on the holiday. She just basically said similar things to the mother. My ex and her little sister had a big argument because my ex's phone wasn't working, and that she had to have her phone fully charged because she wanted to be able to call me whenever and also be able to receive my messages. Similarly, she spoke about my ex wanting me there on the boat. My ex also went mentle at her because she was messaging me on MSN and on the phone, and saying "he's my boyfriend, not yours!" - why would she care if she wanted to break up with me.

Her sister basically said that she met a bunch of girls (who were apparently single) and had a good time for a couple of nights, and she suspected that it was this experience that made her perhaps realise she was missing out on something, missing out on being single. It's not a sustainable situation.

The morning she flew home, the morning she decided she was breaking up with me (after the jealous outburst on my part), she told her sister that she was going to do it - no indication why, no real consideration, just because.

Almost overnight, she became a totally different person.

 

[Kamelion]

It will hurt, and carry on hurting for a long time G, but trust me it fades with time, and the help of good friends and family.

I'm 39 and although at first it seems like your life is over, it goes on. At least there weren't any children involved - it's hard enough having to be away from her family as well, you come to love them too.

It will all work out in the end and you'll look back and remember the good times you had together and you will smile.

 

[old.user4556]

The dreams and night time are the worst part.

I keep dreaming every night that we're still together, together in a perfect way although this was never the case. I can smell her, touch her, hold her. I can talk to her too, last night's dream we were laughing to one another that we had broken up and how silly it was. I was driving around in my car and her hair was blowing with the window down .... even though she hated that because it messed her hair up.

It hurts like a motherfucker because it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and opens up all the wounds as if she had only just dumped me.

I was out in Edinburgh last night for the festival, there are certainly a lot of gorgeous women out there and in a sense it was great to be able to look or smile at someone again, i've not done this for five years so it was all quite new and exciting.

 

[JBP|]

The dreams and night time are the worst part.

I keep dreaming every night that we're still together, together in a perfect way although this was never the case. I can smell her, touch her, hold her. I can talk to her too, last night's dream we were laughing to one another that we had broken up and how silly it was. I was driving around in my car and her hair was blowing with the window down .... even though she hated that because it messed her hair up.

It hurts like a motherfucker because it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and opens up all the wounds as if she had only just dumped me.

I was out in Edinburgh last night for the festival, there are certainly a lot of gorgeous women out there and in a sense it was great to be able to look or smile at someone again, i've not done this for five years so it was all quite new and exciting.

Is it just me or does this post in particular make you sound like a complete cock?

You split up, get over it and move on ffs

 

[old.user4556]

Thanks for the hugely insensitive post; I was finding this thread quite helpful because this has been an incredibly hard time for me, even considering the worst.

You have no idea how I feel, so please fuck off if you don't have any constructive advice on how to deal with it.

 

[JBP|]

You split up, get over it and move on ffs

That really is the most constructive reply you could ever wish for, I know from experience.

 

[inqy]

Tempting and fun as it may seem to keep chasing other women, I would advise against this. By all means get out there and have fun with your friends, as sitting around thinking about her is no help either.

But becoming a male slut "because you can now" isn't the answer in my opinion. Ultimately you may find it'll hurt you more if you do this as you may feel guilty or unfaithful even after the split. Or to a lesser degree just mix up your feelings as you still feel for her but are with someone else and you can't process it.

Should it be that there is an opportunity to get back together...You'll have all this guilt from doing so much with other women or she'll find out about it. That may mess with your mind, or it would mess with hers and I would just avoid it. We are all different though I guess.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[DaGaffer]

Tempting and fun as it may seem to keep chasing other women, I would advise against this. By all means get out there and have fun with your friends, as sitting around thinking about her is no help either.

But becoming a male slut "because you can now" isn't the answer in my opinion. Ultimately you may find it'll hurt you more if you do this as you may feel guilty or unfaithful even after the split. Or to a lesser degree just mix up your feelings as you still feel for her but are with someone else and you can't process it.

Should it be that there is an opportunity to get back together...You'll have all this guilt from doing so much with other women or she'll find out about it. That may mess with your mind, or it would mess with hers and I would just avoid it. We are all different though I guess.

Hope that makes sense.

Naaah. You can't judge anyone by your own standards. "Guilt" is entirely subjective. If it was me, I'd enjoy myself, but this is one area where advice from anyone else is worthless.

 

[old.user4556]

Spoke on the phone again earlier today.

Not much has changed, although I did get some solid reasons and more insight as to how she is/was feeling.

It seems that she felt that by going on holiday without me, and really wanting me there with her but then realising that perhaps I didn't really want to go on holiday with her that she realised that perhaps it'll never change and it'll only get worse as time went on. She said she was jealous of other couples there - well, that only fuelled her anger as opposed to made her miss me because she thought inside that I never wanted that, so she felt rejected by me. She admitted she knee jerked into her decision, but that she was happier by herself at the moment.

Furthermore, she always felt second to everything/everyone else in my life. I scorched through the ranks at work, but I never really shared it with her. She resented that I got big bonuses and share options, but it just vanished into my toys, savings accounts and cars. She felt rejected by it all. She loved me and stood by me when i had nothing, but i never gave it back to her. Her friends who have boyfriends who earn a lot less (or are students) seemed to give them more, and her friends were shocked that I wasn't exactly forthcoming with money if/when she needed it.

I said "but the flat! i want you to be part of that! it's cost me fortunes!" - but she argued that I would want her to contribute when she earns next to nothing as a student. She doesn't know what life has in store for her now, she's upset about failing her resit. She said she never really wanted to go to uni, but didn't want to let me down because I always went on about how she needs to work harder and to graduate if we were to be together (so in a way, i gave her an ultimatum but I never knew it would affect her greatly).

So I tried to play the trump card, my love for her and the conversations made me see the errors in the past.

I told her that if she didn't want to go to uni, and all she wanted to do was to keep a part time job on the side and live a life of leisure, then I was happy for her to do so and would love her unconditionally. I can't change the way she feels, but I can change the way I am and she might come back to me for that. I've been a totally tight bastard and I have to change that for in the future. I told her that everything was bought for the flat and that it was already all decorated, it's looking lovely.

She then got a bit angry and said "why has it taken you so fucking long to realise? why do we have to break up for you to see all this?". She still said that it was too late, but she seemed to warm up a bit in conversation after that.

I called her 30 minutes later and said sorry for getting a bit angry on the phone, and BLAM - she was suddenly not that different person I picked up from the airport, she already sounded like she sounded before she went on holiday. She said "oh dont be silly, you don't need to be sorry" blah blah "i'm just cleaning just now, there is a spidey in here with legs as long as mine!". I said, "want me to come get it out for you?" she said "no it's ok, i think it's dead".

So from anger and one word answers to bubbly talk, I just wonder if what i said had any impact on how she feels.

 

[Tom]

She then got a bit angry and said "why has it taken you so fucking long to realise? why do we have to break up for you to see all this?". She still said that it was too late, but she seemed to warm up a bit in conversation after that.

So according to her, its all your fault. You obviously didn't buy the one thing that counted, a crystal ball.

Me me me, typical bloody woman. The exceptions are rare, and usually just friends.

G, delete her contact details from your phone and computer, and move on with life. Bollocks to her.

 

[lovedaddy]

ohhhh, i see

You said you can toss it off and sponge off me, as apposed to get an education and get your own money, and all of a sudden she seems nice again....

actually, no, I'm going to get into this, cos I can feel a rant coming on.

 

[GDW]

Another late post but....hey Ive experience. I went through a very similar event almost 18 years ago! It took me about a year to get out of a very low period, whereby I didnt ever go out as I was so gutted. Anyhow since then I 've got married (to a different woman) and have two lovely kids. But I have to say with honesty that after all this time the scar is still there and I will sometime think about the what if.

You are doing a good thing by getting out and trying to put it behind you. The sooner you cut off all contact with her the quicker you will begin to get over this.

I wish you the best of luck

 

[JBP|]

I just can't wait untill she stumbles across this thread, then the shites really gonna hit the fan.


I have given the best advice i can, it's up to you now.

 

[nath]

The way I see it, no one here knows what the fuck is going on. We're getting shreds of information about a five year relationship. I think it's a bit more complicated than either a) get over it or b) hope she takes you back and anyone claiming to know what G should do is clearly full of shit.

 

[old.user4556]

Tbh, i'm just "typing aloud" thoughts into this thread.

 

[old.user4556]

You said you can toss it off and sponge off me, as apposed to get an education and get your own money, and all of a sudden she seems nice again....

actually, no, I'm going to get into this, cos I can feel a rant coming on.

Her family all seem to be that way, the men provide and the women don't do a whole lot else other than simple or part time jobs on the side.

The thing is, she's not as (not to blow my own trumpet) bright as I am or has the motivation to apply herself. God, she's tried and it's clearly not been successful. She was with me since day one when I had nothing and stacked shelves as a student, one of us had to get a finger out and get a career and it was me being wiser, older and perhaps more mature. Now she's reaching adulthood and I think she knows the writing is on the wall that she may be nothing more than the average earner.

She's given me what I want for five years (except for a lot of grief this year), so I do feel that I should give something back and make it work.

Edit: please, feel free to rant

 

[Pfy]

Her family all seem to be that way, the men provide and the women don't do a whole lot else other than simple or part time jobs on the side.

The thing is, she's not as (not to blow my own trumpet) bright as I am or has the motivation to apply herself. God, she's tried and it's clearly not been successful. She was with me since day one when I had nothing and stacked shelves as a student, one of us had to get a finger out and get a career and it was me being wiser, older and perhaps more mature. Now she's reaching adulthood and I think she knows the writing is on the wall that she may be nothing more than the average earner.

She's given me what I want for five years (except for a lot of grief this year), so I do feel that I should give something back and make it work.

Edit: please, feel free to rant

No wonder she dumped you, you just don't shut up about how great, clever, rich, wonderful etc you are.

Anyhow ...

I don't see how 'love' can be a case of 'I owe her because I've had a nice 5 years, so I'm gonna just throw money at her assuming she doesnt kill herself or get squashed by my ever expanding head'. If shes just after your cash she ain't worth the bother, oh and if you have to buy her affection, she again isn't worth the bother.

IMHO you're better off gay, just like the rest of the Freddyshouse regulars.

 

[old.user4556]

So i'm supposed to say i suck at everything, i'm shit, i've not done well at all and wallow in my own self pity and pseudo-modesty? This isn't irc.

It's not a case of buying her, if she was just some random that came into my life and demanded "stuff" (money, objects, whatever) that's one thing, and not worth a bother as you say. But when someone sticks by you thick n thin for five years, and you don't see it and don't share things with her when good times come along, I don't blame her for saying "what's the fucking point anymore".

I presume she's looked at this long term, will I want to get married, will I want to have kids, will I continue to piss money up the wall on material items and just decided it's not going to work based on how i've behaved this past year.

Whatever woman comes into my life, if i don't at least share mine with her then she won't stick around. That may suit some men (i know plenty of them like it like that; easy come, easy go), but i'm not that sort of person.

 

[Bodhi]

No wonder she dumped you, you just don't shut up about how great, clever, rich, wonderful etc you are.

Anyhow ...

I don't see how 'love' can be a case of 'I owe her because I've had a nice 5 years, so I'm gonna just throw money at her assuming she doesnt kill herself or get squashed by my ever expanding head'. If shes just after your cash she ain't worth the bother, oh and if you have to buy her affection, she again isn't worth the bother.

IMHO you're better off gay, just like the rest of the Freddyshouse regulars.

So you aren't allowed to build yourself up after you've had your heart ripped out? Have you got to wallow round in your own pity like some moany Smiths fan?

Fuck off back to whichever rock of a forum you crawled out from plsthxbye.

 

[old.user4556]

Well said.

I'm sorry if i sounded big headed, but i'm feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment and doing whatever it takes to try and get out of this sorry ass low state i've got myself in.