Damini
Part of the furniture
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2003
- Messages
- 2,234
Nghhhh....
My elderly alcoholic neighbour just popped round to see me. His beard is looking a little Crusoe, and his flies were open, and his shorts stained yellow with... something... but never mind that.
He has lost his glasses. Would I mind helping him look for them?
Now, I am a lovely neighbour, so I agree.
In order to detach myself from the process, I shall relay to you what I saw through the medium of Spectrum Word Games.
You are in a very dated lounge. A wood veneered television is on mute in the corner. A thick layer of sticky dust coats every surface. You can see:
A bowl full of 2p coins.
Some beermats.
A settee held together with gaffa tape.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
> Search settee
As you approach, you notice the toe nail clippings steeped high against the side of the settee. You find yourself unable to touch the settee.
> Get alcoholic neighbour to search settee
Old alcoholic neighbour agrees to help. He lifts cushions to reveal more toenail clippings, and some unidentifiable white lumps. Do you wish to closely examine the white lumps?
>Sweet jesus no.
Okay. You are in a very dated lounge. A wood veneered television is on mute in the corner. A thick layer of sticky dust coats every surface. You can see:
A bowl full of 2p coins.
Some beermats.
A settee held together with gaffa tape.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
>Go east.
You are in the kitchen. A microwave that looks like it has made the alcoholic elderly neighbour (and everyone within a two mile radius) sterile is resting on the worktop. A microwave meal is forlornly defrosting on the draining board, next to a tea towel that you are sure would make a crunching noise if touched.
You can see:
A defrosting microwave meal (curry?)
A crusty teatowel
No other evidence of food
No glasses
What do you want to do?
> search microwave
You open the microwave. Your chance of having children halves. You find no glasses. What now?
> South
You are in the bathroom. The carpeted floor is distinctly darker in a wide radius around the toilet. You briefly wonder if this is due to it being wet, or if it is a stain, before deciding that either answer disturbs you equally. A string runs above the bath, holding aloft a series of pants in various stages of wetness.
You can see:
Pants.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
> Run away
You are in the bedroom. The red curtains are closed, blocking out most of the light. In the middle of the room is a bed. It is covered with a single sheet, and is host to two pillows. The pattern on the pillows is strangely garish. Beside the bed is a bedside cabinet, buried under dust, and a lamp.
You can see:
Bedside cabinet.
Lamp.
Bed.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
> Search cabinet
Good god, no. What if you find his porn?
> Look under bed
You try, but it is too dark to see. Maybe some form of light source would help?
>Turn on lamp
You turn on the lamp. It glows dimly, but does not shed light beneath the bed. Perhaps you should move it?
> Pick up lamp, get down on all fours, peer beneath bed.
You manouvre the lamp away from the bedside cabinet, and carefully get down on all fours, pressing your face against the carpet in order to look beneath the bed. Something is blocking your line of sight, making it impossible to see what is there.
> Examine "something"
You edge forward, and cast your light on the blockage that surrounds the bed, preventing you from seeing beyond. It is a pile of pubic hair, two inches high, that surrounds the entire bed. You briefly remember talk in school, as a child, of European butter mountains, where unwanted produce was stacked in massive piles of heady excess. You briefly wonder how long it would take for TWO INCHES OF PUBIC HAIR to amass at the side of the bed. These thoughts are only fleeting though, as it occurs to you that you are on your hands and knees, face pressed against a carpet that is more technically a merkin.
You see:
no glasses.
Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. I want to rip off my own face and hands and knees and eyes and memory, and then wash in bleach, and then cry for a week.
And no, I didn't find his glasses.
My elderly alcoholic neighbour just popped round to see me. His beard is looking a little Crusoe, and his flies were open, and his shorts stained yellow with... something... but never mind that.
He has lost his glasses. Would I mind helping him look for them?
Now, I am a lovely neighbour, so I agree.
In order to detach myself from the process, I shall relay to you what I saw through the medium of Spectrum Word Games.
You are in a very dated lounge. A wood veneered television is on mute in the corner. A thick layer of sticky dust coats every surface. You can see:
A bowl full of 2p coins.
Some beermats.
A settee held together with gaffa tape.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
> Search settee
As you approach, you notice the toe nail clippings steeped high against the side of the settee. You find yourself unable to touch the settee.
> Get alcoholic neighbour to search settee
Old alcoholic neighbour agrees to help. He lifts cushions to reveal more toenail clippings, and some unidentifiable white lumps. Do you wish to closely examine the white lumps?
>Sweet jesus no.
Okay. You are in a very dated lounge. A wood veneered television is on mute in the corner. A thick layer of sticky dust coats every surface. You can see:
A bowl full of 2p coins.
Some beermats.
A settee held together with gaffa tape.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
>Go east.
You are in the kitchen. A microwave that looks like it has made the alcoholic elderly neighbour (and everyone within a two mile radius) sterile is resting on the worktop. A microwave meal is forlornly defrosting on the draining board, next to a tea towel that you are sure would make a crunching noise if touched.
You can see:
A defrosting microwave meal (curry?)
A crusty teatowel
No other evidence of food
No glasses
What do you want to do?
> search microwave
You open the microwave. Your chance of having children halves. You find no glasses. What now?
> South
You are in the bathroom. The carpeted floor is distinctly darker in a wide radius around the toilet. You briefly wonder if this is due to it being wet, or if it is a stain, before deciding that either answer disturbs you equally. A string runs above the bath, holding aloft a series of pants in various stages of wetness.
You can see:
Pants.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
> Run away
You are in the bedroom. The red curtains are closed, blocking out most of the light. In the middle of the room is a bed. It is covered with a single sheet, and is host to two pillows. The pattern on the pillows is strangely garish. Beside the bed is a bedside cabinet, buried under dust, and a lamp.
You can see:
Bedside cabinet.
Lamp.
Bed.
No glasses.
What do you want to do?
> Search cabinet
Good god, no. What if you find his porn?
> Look under bed
You try, but it is too dark to see. Maybe some form of light source would help?
>Turn on lamp
You turn on the lamp. It glows dimly, but does not shed light beneath the bed. Perhaps you should move it?
> Pick up lamp, get down on all fours, peer beneath bed.
You manouvre the lamp away from the bedside cabinet, and carefully get down on all fours, pressing your face against the carpet in order to look beneath the bed. Something is blocking your line of sight, making it impossible to see what is there.
> Examine "something"
You edge forward, and cast your light on the blockage that surrounds the bed, preventing you from seeing beyond. It is a pile of pubic hair, two inches high, that surrounds the entire bed. You briefly remember talk in school, as a child, of European butter mountains, where unwanted produce was stacked in massive piles of heady excess. You briefly wonder how long it would take for TWO INCHES OF PUBIC HAIR to amass at the side of the bed. These thoughts are only fleeting though, as it occurs to you that you are on your hands and knees, face pressed against a carpet that is more technically a merkin.
You see:
no glasses.
Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. I want to rip off my own face and hands and knees and eyes and memory, and then wash in bleach, and then cry for a week.
And no, I didn't find his glasses.