Can't Unsee... Need to Unsee...

Damini

Part of the furniture
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
2,234
Nghhhh....

My elderly alcoholic neighbour just popped round to see me. His beard is looking a little Crusoe, and his flies were open, and his shorts stained yellow with... something... but never mind that.

He has lost his glasses. Would I mind helping him look for them?

Now, I am a lovely neighbour, so I agree.

In order to detach myself from the process, I shall relay to you what I saw through the medium of Spectrum Word Games.

You are in a very dated lounge. A wood veneered television is on mute in the corner. A thick layer of sticky dust coats every surface. You can see:

A bowl full of 2p coins.

Some beermats.

A settee held together with gaffa tape.

No glasses.

What do you want to do?

> Search settee

As you approach, you notice the toe nail clippings steeped high against the side of the settee. You find yourself unable to touch the settee.

> Get alcoholic neighbour to search settee

Old alcoholic neighbour agrees to help. He lifts cushions to reveal more toenail clippings, and some unidentifiable white lumps. Do you wish to closely examine the white lumps?

>Sweet jesus no.

Okay. You are in a very dated lounge. A wood veneered television is on mute in the corner. A thick layer of sticky dust coats every surface. You can see:

A bowl full of 2p coins.

Some beermats.

A settee held together with gaffa tape.

No glasses.

What do you want to do?

>Go east.

You are in the kitchen. A microwave that looks like it has made the alcoholic elderly neighbour (and everyone within a two mile radius) sterile is resting on the worktop. A microwave meal is forlornly defrosting on the draining board, next to a tea towel that you are sure would make a crunching noise if touched.

You can see:

A defrosting microwave meal (curry?)

A crusty teatowel

No other evidence of food

No glasses

What do you want to do?

> search microwave

You open the microwave. Your chance of having children halves. You find no glasses. What now?

> South

You are in the bathroom. The carpeted floor is distinctly darker in a wide radius around the toilet. You briefly wonder if this is due to it being wet, or if it is a stain, before deciding that either answer disturbs you equally. A string runs above the bath, holding aloft a series of pants in various stages of wetness.

You can see:

Pants.

No glasses.

What do you want to do?

> Run away

You are in the bedroom. The red curtains are closed, blocking out most of the light. In the middle of the room is a bed. It is covered with a single sheet, and is host to two pillows. The pattern on the pillows is strangely garish. Beside the bed is a bedside cabinet, buried under dust, and a lamp.

You can see:

Bedside cabinet.

Lamp.

Bed.

No glasses.

What do you want to do?

> Search cabinet

Good god, no. What if you find his porn?

> Look under bed

You try, but it is too dark to see. Maybe some form of light source would help?

>Turn on lamp

You turn on the lamp. It glows dimly, but does not shed light beneath the bed. Perhaps you should move it?

> Pick up lamp, get down on all fours, peer beneath bed.

You manouvre the lamp away from the bedside cabinet, and carefully get down on all fours, pressing your face against the carpet in order to look beneath the bed. Something is blocking your line of sight, making it impossible to see what is there.

> Examine "something"

You edge forward, and cast your light on the blockage that surrounds the bed, preventing you from seeing beyond. It is a pile of pubic hair, two inches high, that surrounds the entire bed. You briefly remember talk in school, as a child, of European butter mountains, where unwanted produce was stacked in massive piles of heady excess. You briefly wonder how long it would take for TWO INCHES OF PUBIC HAIR to amass at the side of the bed. These thoughts are only fleeting though, as it occurs to you that you are on your hands and knees, face pressed against a carpet that is more technically a merkin.

You see:

no glasses.









Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. I want to rip off my own face and hands and knees and eyes and memory, and then wash in bleach, and then cry for a week.

And no, I didn't find his glasses.
 

Will

/bin/su
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
5,259
mindbleach.jpg


I prescribe drinking the entire bottle.
 

Scouse

Giant Thundercunt
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Man, it sounds like my house at university!

Social services?
 

Trem

Not as old as he claims to be!
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Dec 22, 2003
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Very well done for getting one of my favourite words in your tale, merkin is truly one of mans finest words ever!

Am I the only one thinking the pubic pile sounded quite comfy?
 

KevinUK

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
649
I never knew you lived next door to Deebs.

I always liked adventure book novels but I think I'll give yours a miss!
 

DaGaffer

Down With That Sorta Thing
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
18,397
Think of all the writing material you got from that one, really, really, disgusting experience. Then think, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home", ...






...and set fire to his house.







...and your own. Just in case.
 

Sockstuff

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
531
I want to be like this when I'm old. However I would be a bit more tidy and amass the pubic hair into a giant ball of pubic death.

I may also leave random copies of Razzle next to boxes of man sized tissues.*








* may already be true.
 

Trem

Not as old as he claims to be!
Moderator
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Messages
9,293
I agree, I think that all Lou has done with her story is create a new hero for us.

I demand pictures of him and a diary of his day to day actions.

Anyone with a beard is a potential hero, a person with a beard and who pisses with no care is almost godlike.
 

old.Tohtori

FH is my second home
Joined
Jan 23, 2004
Messages
45,210
Exchuse me..*hic*...anyone whant to help an old man find hish glashes?
 

Ch3tan

I aer teh win!!
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
27,318
Quality post. I am enjoying laughing at your misfortune :)

Do you think you will turn into a clean freak now? Wearing gloves and wiping everything down with tissues?
 

Damini

Part of the furniture
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
2,234
Neighbour just turned up.

Wearing his glasses, though failing to wear his trousers properly.

He found them "wrapped up in a jersey, in a cupboard".

Of course.
 

TdC

Trem's hunky sex love muffin
Joined
Dec 20, 2003
Messages
30,801
poor damini ;)

btw, I've lost something and my contacts aren't working. Help me find it pretty please, I'll just hover in the background and breathe deeply ;)

* Whilst changeing my rubbish avatar for something better tbfh :eek: *
 

Kryten

Old Cow.
Moderator
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Dec 22, 2003
Messages
3,351
Christ that's nasty.


However I can easily see why you're such a popular author. Damini, I whole-heartedly apologise but your wording of your unfortunately disgusting search has made my day :D
 

Jupitus

Old and short, no wonder I'm grumpy!
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Anyone with a beard is a potential hero, a person with a beard and who pisses with no care is almost godlike.

All I need is the beard :(
 

Tom

I am a FH squatter
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
17,179
Sounds like my neighbour. Last year the council came to clean her house up.

mrstrebus2.jpg


mrstrebus3.jpg


They filled that trailer up. With junk. It was amazing and slightly worrying, if that house goes up in flames it will be like Buncefield.
 

Wij

I am a FH squatter
Joined
Dec 23, 2003
Messages
18,185
Am I the only one half-hoping that hero-beardy was going to attempt frottage whilst Lou was peering under the bed ?

/edit: First one to post slash-fiction on this subect wins a prize !
 

Trem

Not as old as he claims to be!
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I was thinking that she was going to say "then he grabbed my waist and thrusted behind me" when she was on about looking under the bed.

Ah well maybe next time when he loses a pube that will happen.
 

mycenae

Can't get enough of FH
Joined
Aug 22, 2005
Messages
877
Poor Dam....if it makes you feel any better, I have to look after many willies, old and young in my new job - often post circumcision or vasectomy. Thats not nice either, but not nearly as minging as what you described.

(ps - can anyone appreciate how incredibly hard it is to bandage something that keeps changing size?)
 

Chilly

Balls of steel
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
9,046
lol they get boners when you bandage em up?

Also damini: sorry about that.
 

Trem

Not as old as he claims to be!
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Messages
9,293
I got a boner just reading about todger bandages.
 
G

Guest

Guest
rofl @ todger bandages


i think blokes like your neighbour are a british tadition and should be kept alive forever.....


we need a picture of him lou, get that digicam out.
 

Damini

Part of the furniture
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
2,234
I can't take a photo of him, that would be mean :(









Artist's impression

neighbour.jpg
 

Fweddy

FH is my second home
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
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Can we have an artist's impression of the bedroom too?
 

Damini

Part of the furniture
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
2,234
Why would you make me do that? Haven't I been through enough?
 

MYstIC G

Official Licensed Lump of Coal™ Distributor
Staff member
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You should count them, see if his collection is a world record...

...

...

* still laughing from yesterday *
 

Sydrik

Resident Freddy
Joined
Jan 5, 2004
Messages
1,093
Personally I was waiting for:

You hear a noise.

> Turn Around

Your neighbour is behind you

> Look down

He appears to have positioned his glasses on the end of his knob. (May or may not be bandaged.) You black out.

...

You awaken in a hospital bed with a large man in a tweed jacket beside you holding your hand. You appear to walking in a fashion not to dissimilar to John Wayne.

> Cut your wrists

You die.
 

rynnor

Rockhound
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Dec 26, 2003
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9,353
Heh - surely as a women you are biologically programmed to find a man not coping with housework adorably cute and then feel the urge to mother him no? :p
 

Damini

Part of the furniture
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
Messages
2,234
He had a carpet that was more rug than carpet. Cute does not even factor into it.
 

Fweddy

FH is my second home
Joined
Dec 22, 2003
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Yet you're still thinking about him and his bed now. That suggests chemistry to me.
 

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