Bubble's Advice Column

[Bubble]

I thought i'd start an advice column with my own unique viewpoint, feel free to ask about anything, school/work problems, relationship problems, anything you can think of*, no problem to big or small. I'll Answer them as soon as i can!


Hours of operation:

Monday - Friday 9:30AM - 4:30PM.

Looking for a very smart assistant to help me man the column during times i'm not here, please PM me etc, If i don't answer on weekends, i'll try to do it first thing on monday.





* try not to ask anthing that will get this thread locked or me banned

 

[Chronictank]

such breach of "teh seel" copyright tbh

 

[Bubble]

I'd glady accept old.Tohtori's help with some of these issues.

maybe "teh seel" himself would like some help

 

[Steffan-]

I need some advice on how i get my sleep pattern under control, and what to do about noisy neighboors

 

[Gamah]

I need some help about appearing less sexy, because in my current state the ladies just faint when I come near

 

[Bahumat]

I need some help about appearing less sexy, because in my current state the ladies just faint when I come near

Dear Bubble,

I feel like im surrounded by compulsive liars, what can i do to break free?

 

[Bubble]

I need some advice on how i get my sleep pattern under control, and what to do about noisy neighboors

What type of Neightboors are they? Students? Couples fighting(or making love?) or maybe something else.

I had the same problem with students where i live, they used to have partys on weeknights and the cheap flat i live in wasn't good at sound proofing. I finally got pissed off with it, at around 12:30 when the party was in full swing, i got my screw driver out and went downstairs and unplugged there sound system and removed the fuse.
They were all so wasted they couldn't work out how to put it back in again, which ment i got a peaceful nights sleep. After that incedent, we came to an arrangement that fridays/sats were the night to party.

If it is another thing keeping you awake, let me know.

 

[Gamah]

Dear Bubble,

I feel like im surrounded by compulsive liars, what can i do to break free?

You want to break free from my lies
I'm so self satisfied you don’t need me
You've got to break free
God knows God knows you want to break free

You’ve got to break free
You want to break free yeah

you want you want you want you want to break free....


?

 

[Bubble]

I need some help about appearing less sexy, because in my current state the ladies just faint when I come near

Well for a start, ladys love the chuck norris look, so the first thing i advise you to do is lose the hat, maybe ware a suit instead.
If this doesn't help maybe try not bathing for a week or 2, after you have reached the desired smell, hug and grope them untill they get freaked out.

Some ladies find that smell attractive (don't ask), these ones will be specially tough to ward away, but i find explaining how you WTFPWNED a rr1 afk sitting unbuffed mentalist with your rr9 mincer will almost always make them never speak to you again.

 

[Gamah]

Well for a start, ladys love the chuck norris look, so the first thing i advise you to do is lose the hat, maybe ware a suit instead.
If this doesn't help maybe try not bathing for a week or 2, after you have reached the desired smell, hug and grope them untill they get freaked out.

Some ladies find that smell attractive (don't ask), these ones will be specially tough to ward away, but i find explaining how you WTFPWNED a rr1 afk sitting unbuffed mentalist with your rr9 mincer will almost always make them never speak to you again.

Thanks bubble, you've changed my life!

 

[Bubble]

Dear Bubble,

I feel like im surrounded by compulsive liars, what can i do to break free?

Thats a bit of a difficult one, you can normally catch them out pretty fast, exposing there lies will make you feel like you have done something good for the world, but remember they are living in a fantasy world, sometimes revealing the truth to them might cause them alot more harm than you can imagen. Listening to Queen might also help, specially if its the music video your watching, tho it might make you homosexual too.

Gamah normally catches himself out, you can solve this problem yourself by following this link, but i wouldn't advise it, gamahs one of the forum gems.

 

[Chronictank]

I am at work, trying to make a cup of tea and the kettle doesnt work. I pushed the button to make the light come on to indicate the water is boiling, but nothing happends to the water.How do i make it work???

Edit: I put water into the cofee machine and took out the cofee bit, out came boiling water :x

 

[Bubble]

I am at work, trying to make a cup of tea and the kettle doesnt work. I pushed the button to make the light come on to indicate the water is boiling, but nothing happends to the water.How do i make it work???

Edit: I put water into the cofee machine and took out the cofee bit, out came boiling water :x

Normally this sort of problem would indicate theres a problem with the Heating Filament inside the kettle itself, don't touch or poke this with anything (specially not body parts) as you could do yourself alot of damage, i'm afraid it might be time to give this hard working office member his P45 and find a young uni grade kettle to replace it.

Thats some pretty smart thinking there, through power of logic you've fixed the problem on your own! some reps for that.

 

[Gamah]

Tbut i wouldn't advise it, gamahs one of the forum gems.

Not sure if thats an insult or a compliment, but im feeling possitive today, go compliment!

 

[tris-]

Bubble,
why do people say sorry for doing something and then imediatley do it again? do you know what the exact figure is for the number of people who know what sorry actually means?
btw, it means you wont do it again.

thanks.

 

[Lamp]

I need some advice !

The girl next to me at work keeps farting. Little girlie farts but a tad whiffy. Thing is - one of these days I'm gonna get the blame - after all - the bloke's the first person who gets blamed for farts right ? How do I diplomatically get her arse sealed with a cork ?

yours,
Suffering (London)

 

[Bubble]

Bubble,
why do people say sorry for doing something and then imediatley do it again? do you know what the exact figure is for the number of people who know what sorry actually means?
btw, it means you wont do it again.

thanks.

Well the words 'i'm Sorry' were programmed into most of us by our parents when we were very young as a means reducing someones threat level towards you, its a very submissive statment (think of it as a detaunt)

As you say, most people who say the word Sorry, don't understand what they are saying and do not truely feel remorse for what they have done. In the animal world instead of saying sorry, young animals are taught with pain and suffering, maybe its time for us to return to the old fashion ways. For example, next time someone says sorry to you, punch them and ask them if they truely will never do it again, if they agree not to do it again, tell them the pain level with double, they will learn.

To Summerise, bring back the cane in schools!



* Please don't harm any animals, its the RSPCA will be on your ass fast, and mine. Watching animals kill each other is fine, but you mustn't do it yourself or setup fights for another animal to do it for you.

 

[Bubble]

Not sure if thats an insult or a compliment, but im feeling possitive today, go compliment!

And it was!

 

[Bubble]

I need some advice !

The girl next to me at work keeps farting. Little girlie farts but a tad whiffy. Thing is - one of these days I'm gonna get the blame - after all - the bloke's the first person who gets blamed for farts right ? How do I diplomatically get her arse sealed with a cork ?

yours,
Suffering (London)

I feel your pain

Normally a girls misfunctioning gas system is due to there either there Diet, some eating patterns can cause a abnormal ammount of gas, anyway what you need to do is find out whats changed in her eating plan, you need to get her to tell you whats going on, maybe ask for some dieting advice from her either way your next ojbective is to change the way she eats, for example if shes on a 'rabbit' diet every like you see her complement her on how she is looking nice and lost loads of weight, soon she'll start feeling good about herself and change her diet plan back to normal (and you'll also make another person feel happy about themselfs which is always nice)

If this doesn't help, there are 'polite' ways of letting her know, maybe next time you smell one, do a grunty cough and then walk to the windows and open them. Make sure you avoid eye contact with her while your doing this, she'll realise whats happens but will also feel safe knowing that you didn't think it was her. Second thoughts try this one first, the other ones alot more effort.

GL i hope it works out.

 

[Mey]

Dear bubble im currently in a flame war with some old man on a different board, he keeps using the same old line such as "your grammar is crap.. etc.." what can i do to wtfpwn him..

Thank you muchly..

 

[cHodAX]

Dear Bubble, my friend Cabbage likes to dress up as a woman at weekends and insists that everyone in our guild call him Mandy. Is this normal and should I get my own dress out to join him?

Yours Sincerly

Docwolfe

 

[cHodAX]

Dear bubble im currently in a flame war with some old man on a different board, he keeps using the same old line such as "your grammar is crap.. etc.." what can i do to wtfpwn him..

Thank you muchly..

Learn to write properly you illterate monkey, your grammar is crap!


muaahahahahahaha


Opps thats bubbles job, my bad

 

[Bubble]

Dear bubble im currently in a flame war with some old man on a different board, he keeps using the same old line such as "your grammar is crap.. etc.." what can i do to wtfpwn him..

Thank you muchly..

Well Forum trolling was one of my specialties, during my time on the VN boards and Barrysworld, i've encountered several different ways to combat this problem.

1. Not English? retype the paragraph in your native language or get a friend from a very foreign country to type it up for you and ask him to check the grammar, either way he tried to respond to this, he'll look stupid, if he does manage to check it out, then congratulations, you've made a full grown adult waste a few hours of his life trying to prove to a kid hes as intelligent as you. If he doesn't he'll have to back down and not try correcting your grammar again.

This also works if your English, just be a good bluffer and don't put your location down then again i could type it up in welsh/cornish or plymovian, no one here could translate

2. Adults always like to be reminded that they are being childish, and a flamewar is childish either way, if you get drawn into one the best thing to do is just be the 'bigger man' and walk away from it. Tho #1 is alot more entertaining and will allow you your goal of wtfpwning someone.

 

[Bubble]

Dear Bubble, my friend Cabbage likes to dress up as a woman at weekends and insists that everyone in our guild call him Mandy. Is this normal and should I get my own dress out to join him?

Yours Sincerly

Docwolfe

Dear Mr(s) Wolfe
Even thinking about doing something like this means you have something to prove to youself, go out there and dress up and see if you feel like your true self. If you feel uncomfortable being around people while dressed up then you know you don't have a hidden feminine side waiting to jump out, however if you enjoy yourself then you will have the fun task of explaining it to your family and lovechild.

 

[Outlander]

Dear Bubble,
To avoid embarassment can you advise me whats the easiest way to extract a dead gerbil from someones ass without taking them to the hospital? Just in case it ever happens

Awaiting your reply,
Anon

 

[Bubble]

Dear Bubble,
To avoid embarassment can you advise me whats the easiest way to extract a dead gerbil from someones ass without taking them to the hospital? Just in case it ever happens

I'm Afraid i don't have much of an experience with that, but that doesn't mean i can't give you advice on how to get that thing out your ass. I'll answer this one after 5pm when i get home from work (No this doesn't mean i'm stopping off at the pet shop to pickup a gerbil fyi!!) my works filter will not like my answer. Nor do my colleagues looking at my screen, but some quick advice is to watch southpark.

 

[Lamp]

The gerbil question is interesting.

How much of the gerbil entered the patient's rectum ?

Was the gerbil dead before it entered the rectum ?

Does the patient have a high pain threshold ?

Are you a good friend of the patient ? I mean REALLY good friend

 

[haarewin]

Dear (Agony Aunt) Bubble,
How do I tell my friend to fuck off in the nicest way possible? I'm sick of her sponging from us. An example; we went out for a meal a few weeks ago. She wouldn't pay for a bottle of wine that she wanted and said that X and Y shared with her so they should pay. She offered them (X and Y) a glass and they accepted, as they thought she would pay etc. She then left enough money to cover her main course and left so her boyfriend could pick her up.
She also won't stop texting her bf when we are out with her - it's like she doesn't want to be around us and we are all too polite to tell her to fuck off to her bf then.
This isn't the only example, she's a bloody stinge and we're fed up of it.

Awaiting your reply!

 

[Outlander]

doesn't mean i can't give you advice on how to get that thing out your ass.

I never said it was mine! Its my friends I swear

 

[Bubble]

Dear (Agony Aunt) Bubble,
How do I tell my friend to fuck off in the nicest way possible? I'm sick of her sponging from us. An example; we went out for a meal a few weeks ago. She wouldn't pay for a bottle of wine that she wanted and said that X and Y shared with her so they should pay. She offered them (X and Y) a glass and they accepted, as they thought she would pay etc. She then left enough money to cover her main course and left so her boyfriend could pick her up.
She also won't stop texting her bf when we are out with her - it's like she doesn't want to be around us and we are all too polite to tell her to fuck off to her bf then.
This isn't the only example, she's a bloody stinge and we're fed up of it.

Awaiting your reply!

Well its a tough answer if you want her to remain your friend, she sounds like the type of person who is very self centred and would take great offence to anything even a polite pointer you make.
Theres no real polite way of saying it unfortunately, as even if you go out without her, she will not know she has done something that you didn't like, and assume you simple forgot. Maybe the best thing you could do is sit down and have a little chat with her, maybe invite her over yours with the good old bring a bottle rule. At the end of the evening, all get together and tell her your true feelings towards the way she acts, this can go 2 ways. Either she will look back and realise what shes done and try to make amends one way or another. Or she will think that you lot have something serious against her and it might get a bit ugly from there onwards, if this happens you will almost certenly lose her as a friend, but it might help her in a future with gaining new ones. Your be the true friend in that situation.