'I have', answered Gargantua, 'by a long and curious experience found out a means to wipe my bum. The most lordly, the most excellent, the most convenient that was ever seen. I have wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a Montero, with a falconer's lure. But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all the torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.
use a tea towel in the end
i've been in bed with flu for 4 days and the house falls apart.
Do what I did.
Was staying at my mates about 10 years ago, had woken up early in the morning needing a shit, the bathroom was right next to the room we slept in.
I shouted through to him, theres no loo roll, go get me some. He told me to use my hand ( not realising I'd done a shit and just needed to blow my nose or something). So I indeed used my hand and washed after each wipe in his sink
After I'd told the fucker what had happened, he said I should've told him as they had more loo roll downstairs! Fucker