Thought I'd share this with you.
My friend Carl is forty, balding and, I think rueing his missed opportunities in life. He's an excellent guitarist and has travelled the world but spent most of the time being pissed and has ended up in Web-Development as a career. Not where he probably expected to be ( I think he thought he was going to end up an aging rich ex-rocker in Berkshire, with big dogs and a drug habit) Anyway he was feeling quite depressed about his lot when he recieved this email from a friend he hadn't seen in many many years, since they were in a band together back in the '80's in fact:
>>
Bloody Hell
Hello mate. How's it going?
Stumbled across your email whilst seeing what music was going on in Stoke... Gosh. So thought I should say hello.
You in computers, then? Still got your hair?
Me - well... had an interesting time. I guess I last saw you early nineties in which case:
1991-4 were very dull. An utter waste of time. In retrospect not nearly enough sex - but there you go. Went to Australia twice though, backpacking and the US. Developed a taste for travel. Joined a terrible covers band, known to my mates as "The Crap People"
1995: Trained to go to Moscow with work for a year (promoted). Never got there because of a security fuck up...
Started seeing Claire. Covers band getting gradually better (after I'd sacked everyone and got new people in)
1996/7 - Joined the UN Iraq weapons inspectors (UNSCOM). Fantastic time (promoted again). Made a lot of friends in the military and really got into that side of things. Claire and I get a flat. Covers band is now good.
1998 - More of the same.
1999 - Became political desk officer for Iraq at my old office. Involved in a lot of counter terrorism stuff - which was a truly awesome time.
Claire and I got married. Hired a hotel for the whole weekend. Top fun. Covers band plays for the Emir of Bahrain 's New Year's Eve do.
2000 - More of the same. Work is fantastic.. Married life is fantastic. Band goes from strength to strength. Doubled what we charged - guess what? We got even more work!!! Sewn up the 5 star hotel circuit in the WEst end - £2K a night. Get house in Crouch End/ Muswell Hill. Very middle class dinner party set -it's a load of old bollocks really Get a BMW Z3. Play the NEC.
2001 - Go to Oman on counter narcotics work. Claire stays in UK but comes out a lot. After the WTC brought back to UK because of my experience of Iraq. Band get dep in, but on return get my old job back. Play with Bjorn Again and Pearl Jam through the year. Demo at BBC Maida Vale... Claire crashes the BMW and get an Audi A3 Quatrro turbo. AMAZING car... Play at Madam Tussauds, Natural History Museaum, Tower Bridge, all the top hotels.
2002 - Efffectively plan the Iraq war. Spend the year floating around the Middle East We get a holiday home in South Wales. Take up climbing and walking - really into it. Band starts its own website and gets even more work. Get a G4 and record a demo at home. Sounds great.
2003 - First UK civilian in Basra with the "army". Decide to move to Wales permanently. Leave the band - too busy at work. Come to sell the house and realise that Claire has systematically stung me for £100K... Marriage starts to fall apart. Claire starts to go mad.
2004 - Total shit year... Dealing with the insurgency in Iraq. Terrible job. Bullied. Decide to leave. Have to sell the house to pay debt. Move into rented cottage in Wales and sleep on a mate's floor in London during the week. Start to the lose the plot a bit to be honest. I'm now desperate to leave my old office - I don't earn enough for a start!! Claire, meanwhile has gone completely insane. I discover that she has a about 5 credit cards in my name and which she owes about 50K on. And she had 4 affairs... Separate at the end of November. Blind date with a NZ girl on my birthday... We get on well. Stay in a West end hotel and fuck all night. The next day I get offered a job at Kroll - political risk consultancy, business intelligence and investigations firm. Pretty good birthday!!. About the best thing that could have happened to me. They double my salary... I start a Masters in "International Security". Get the MBE. With the tiny bit of cash I've got left, get an Alfa 156 - which I've still got.
2005 - Buy a house in Abergavenny. Make a load of friends in Aber. Rockfield studios is in the town and discover that a load of washed up 70s rock stars drink in my local - Robert Plant and the cellist from ELO - who knows my brother... bizarre, I know . Work is not really working out. go back to Iraq with Kroll and it's pretty frightening. Thought we'd had it at one point. Internet shag-fest at the beginning of the year and then meet and go out with a stunning Spanish girl, Sylvie, all year. Mad as a pancake but sexy as fuck. She goes back to Madrid in November. Doing a lot of rick climbing. Take on a outdoor leadership qualification.
2006 - Change the structure at work - Suddenly - when I'm thinking I'm about to be fired - I'm the man... promoted. Stupid salary. Travelling all over the world on corporate fraud etc. (Ukraine, Georgia, India, Poland this year) The dog's bollocks... Loads of climbing etc. Done first Mountain leadership qualification. First Marathon coming up (Snowdon). Looking at buying a flat in London (2nd property). Realise that Claire was a psychopath and has stolen and defrauded all our friends. Divorce on the way. Friends in Abergavenny are top fun; all musicians. Love it there. Drink far too much beer - but I don't care. In the gym every day so it doesn't really matter. Back to 32 waist for first time in 15 years.. . Miss music and thinking of building a studio in Abergavenny. Might get a Honda S2000. What do you think?
What you been up to?
<<
Anyway after consulting a few friends, one of them came up with this reply, which was quite funneh..
>> Hello,
Yes, I’m in computers, and my hair is now over 8 metres long and 2 metres thick. It is also attached to my head.
This is how things have gone for me.
1991-4 Dull for me too. I committed suicide twice, but brought back both times by some bastard shouting ‘move away from the light!’ Still, went to heaven twice though, backpacking with Jesus and George Harrison. Unbelievable amount of sex with Marilyn Monroe, Mary Whitehouse and Oscar Wilde. Developed a taste for inter-planetary travel. Formed a terrible covers band, known to my mates as "The Devil’s Piles"
1995: Trained to go to the Moon with work for a year. Never got there because of an exploding space shuttle.
Started seeing a girl called Enid Parsnip. Covers band getting gradually better (after I'd poisoned everyone and got new people in)
1996/7 - Joined the National Front. Fantastic time (promoted again). Made a lot of friends in the military and really got into that side of things. Enid and I get a flat. Covers band is now managed by Simon Cowell
1998 – Even more of the same for me, too.
1999 - Became political desk officer for China at my old office. Involved in a lot of getting Chinese people to start smoking and eating burgers.
Enid and I got married. Hired the Isle of Man for the whole weekend. Top fun. Covers band plays for Manchester United in the FA Cup final.
2000 - More of the same for me too. Work is fantastic.. Married life is fantastic. Band goes from strength to strength. Quadrupled what we charged - guess what? We got four times as much money!!! Playing 7 nights a week at £30k per night! Get house in New York. Get a Zonda. Play Buckingham Palace.
2001 - Go to Oman smuggling drugs. Enid stays in UK . After the WTC brought back to UK because they thought it might have been partly my idea (it was actually, as always, the drummer’s idea.) Played with Bruce and The Stones through the year. Demo at Sun Studios... Enid crashes the Zonda and get a Koenigsegg. AMAZING car... Play at Eiffel Tower, Ground Zero, Ayers Rock, Red Square etc.
2002 - Effectively fight and win the Iraq war. Spend the year floating around a sensory deprivation tank in Java. We get a holiday home in New South Wales . Take up sheep shagging, sheep shearing, sheep shooting and lager drinking. Get Bono to record my demo at his home. Sounds ‘Irish’ - great.
2003 - First UK civilian taken hostage in Basra. In bizarre circumstances too complex to explain here, somehow manage to behead my captives live on TV and escape. Decide to move to Australia permanently. When the kids had killed the man I had to break up the band – simple case of ‘couldn’t be arsed’. Come to sell the house and realise that it’s Enid’s house and I have nowhere to live and no money. Marriage starts to fall apart. Enid starts to grow small snakes where her hair should be, and regularly vomits ectoplasm from her nostrils.
2004 - Leading the insurgency in Iraq. Fantastic job for a bully. Drummed out of my cell for ‘inappropriate behaviour’. I still maintain the guy had signed up as a suicide bomber. Have to sell ‘Toyota pick up with huge gun on back’ on Autotrader to pay debt. Move into a forest in Belorussia and lived as a beta female with a pack of wolves. Start to lose the plot a bit to be honest. I'm now desperate to leave the pack - I was never that keen on ‘doggy style’ anyway!! Enid, meanwhile has evolved into a reincarnation of Kali, the four-armed Hindu goddess of destruction. I discover that she has 97 credit cards in my name and which she owes about £5,000,000 on. We too separate end of November. Blind date with Cilla Black on my birthday... We get on well. Stay in a West end hotel and fuck all night. The next day I get offered a job testing fannys. Pretty good birthday!!. About the best thing that could have happened to me. They pay me £10,000,000 a year... I start a Masters in "International Fanny Testing" Get a knighthood. Get a Hummer, an Aston, a Bentley, a Lambo, and , rather strangely, a 1989 Austin Allegro Vanden Plas in beige.
2005 - Buy a house in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch . Make a load of enemys in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch . Discover that a load of dead rock stars drink in my local – Marc Bolan, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott, John Bonham, Lowell George, Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Lennon, Brian Jones, Viv Stanshall, Keith Moon - who knows my brother... bizarre, I know . I really need to cut down on the paint stripper. Work is not really working out. Go back to Iraq with Osama and it's not frightening because Osama keeps well away from anywhere dangerous which is why he’s still not dead.
2006 - Change the structure at work – Given Osama’s job. Suddenly - when I'm thinking I'm about to be decapitated on the Iraqi equivalent of Grandstand - I'm the man. .. promoted. Stupid salary . Travelling all over the world committing corporate fraud etc. Enid / Kali has killed all our friends. Divorce on the way. Friends in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch are Welsh or Arabs; all alchoholics. Or dead rock stars. Love it there. Drink far too much seminal fluid - but I don't care. In Jim (Morrison) every day so it doesn't really matter. Had tummy tuck, liposuction and extra large scrotal implants. Might get a Honda homoped. What do you think?
Look forward to hearing from you
<<
My friend Carl is forty, balding and, I think rueing his missed opportunities in life. He's an excellent guitarist and has travelled the world but spent most of the time being pissed and has ended up in Web-Development as a career. Not where he probably expected to be ( I think he thought he was going to end up an aging rich ex-rocker in Berkshire, with big dogs and a drug habit) Anyway he was feeling quite depressed about his lot when he recieved this email from a friend he hadn't seen in many many years, since they were in a band together back in the '80's in fact:
>>
Bloody Hell
Hello mate. How's it going?
Stumbled across your email whilst seeing what music was going on in Stoke... Gosh. So thought I should say hello.
You in computers, then? Still got your hair?
Me - well... had an interesting time. I guess I last saw you early nineties in which case:
1991-4 were very dull. An utter waste of time. In retrospect not nearly enough sex - but there you go. Went to Australia twice though, backpacking and the US. Developed a taste for travel. Joined a terrible covers band, known to my mates as "The Crap People"
1995: Trained to go to Moscow with work for a year (promoted). Never got there because of a security fuck up...
Started seeing Claire. Covers band getting gradually better (after I'd sacked everyone and got new people in)
1996/7 - Joined the UN Iraq weapons inspectors (UNSCOM). Fantastic time (promoted again). Made a lot of friends in the military and really got into that side of things. Claire and I get a flat. Covers band is now good.
1998 - More of the same.
1999 - Became political desk officer for Iraq at my old office. Involved in a lot of counter terrorism stuff - which was a truly awesome time.
Claire and I got married. Hired a hotel for the whole weekend. Top fun. Covers band plays for the Emir of Bahrain 's New Year's Eve do.
2000 - More of the same. Work is fantastic.. Married life is fantastic. Band goes from strength to strength. Doubled what we charged - guess what? We got even more work!!! Sewn up the 5 star hotel circuit in the WEst end - £2K a night. Get house in Crouch End/ Muswell Hill. Very middle class dinner party set -it's a load of old bollocks really Get a BMW Z3. Play the NEC.
2001 - Go to Oman on counter narcotics work. Claire stays in UK but comes out a lot. After the WTC brought back to UK because of my experience of Iraq. Band get dep in, but on return get my old job back. Play with Bjorn Again and Pearl Jam through the year. Demo at BBC Maida Vale... Claire crashes the BMW and get an Audi A3 Quatrro turbo. AMAZING car... Play at Madam Tussauds, Natural History Museaum, Tower Bridge, all the top hotels.
2002 - Efffectively plan the Iraq war. Spend the year floating around the Middle East We get a holiday home in South Wales. Take up climbing and walking - really into it. Band starts its own website and gets even more work. Get a G4 and record a demo at home. Sounds great.
2003 - First UK civilian in Basra with the "army". Decide to move to Wales permanently. Leave the band - too busy at work. Come to sell the house and realise that Claire has systematically stung me for £100K... Marriage starts to fall apart. Claire starts to go mad.
2004 - Total shit year... Dealing with the insurgency in Iraq. Terrible job. Bullied. Decide to leave. Have to sell the house to pay debt. Move into rented cottage in Wales and sleep on a mate's floor in London during the week. Start to the lose the plot a bit to be honest. I'm now desperate to leave my old office - I don't earn enough for a start!! Claire, meanwhile has gone completely insane. I discover that she has a about 5 credit cards in my name and which she owes about 50K on. And she had 4 affairs... Separate at the end of November. Blind date with a NZ girl on my birthday... We get on well. Stay in a West end hotel and fuck all night. The next day I get offered a job at Kroll - political risk consultancy, business intelligence and investigations firm. Pretty good birthday!!. About the best thing that could have happened to me. They double my salary... I start a Masters in "International Security". Get the MBE. With the tiny bit of cash I've got left, get an Alfa 156 - which I've still got.
2005 - Buy a house in Abergavenny. Make a load of friends in Aber. Rockfield studios is in the town and discover that a load of washed up 70s rock stars drink in my local - Robert Plant and the cellist from ELO - who knows my brother... bizarre, I know . Work is not really working out. go back to Iraq with Kroll and it's pretty frightening. Thought we'd had it at one point. Internet shag-fest at the beginning of the year and then meet and go out with a stunning Spanish girl, Sylvie, all year. Mad as a pancake but sexy as fuck. She goes back to Madrid in November. Doing a lot of rick climbing. Take on a outdoor leadership qualification.
2006 - Change the structure at work - Suddenly - when I'm thinking I'm about to be fired - I'm the man... promoted. Stupid salary. Travelling all over the world on corporate fraud etc. (Ukraine, Georgia, India, Poland this year) The dog's bollocks... Loads of climbing etc. Done first Mountain leadership qualification. First Marathon coming up (Snowdon). Looking at buying a flat in London (2nd property). Realise that Claire was a psychopath and has stolen and defrauded all our friends. Divorce on the way. Friends in Abergavenny are top fun; all musicians. Love it there. Drink far too much beer - but I don't care. In the gym every day so it doesn't really matter. Back to 32 waist for first time in 15 years.. . Miss music and thinking of building a studio in Abergavenny. Might get a Honda S2000. What do you think?
What you been up to?
<<
Anyway after consulting a few friends, one of them came up with this reply, which was quite funneh..
>> Hello,
Yes, I’m in computers, and my hair is now over 8 metres long and 2 metres thick. It is also attached to my head.
This is how things have gone for me.
1991-4 Dull for me too. I committed suicide twice, but brought back both times by some bastard shouting ‘move away from the light!’ Still, went to heaven twice though, backpacking with Jesus and George Harrison. Unbelievable amount of sex with Marilyn Monroe, Mary Whitehouse and Oscar Wilde. Developed a taste for inter-planetary travel. Formed a terrible covers band, known to my mates as "The Devil’s Piles"
1995: Trained to go to the Moon with work for a year. Never got there because of an exploding space shuttle.
Started seeing a girl called Enid Parsnip. Covers band getting gradually better (after I'd poisoned everyone and got new people in)
1996/7 - Joined the National Front. Fantastic time (promoted again). Made a lot of friends in the military and really got into that side of things. Enid and I get a flat. Covers band is now managed by Simon Cowell
1998 – Even more of the same for me, too.
1999 - Became political desk officer for China at my old office. Involved in a lot of getting Chinese people to start smoking and eating burgers.
Enid and I got married. Hired the Isle of Man for the whole weekend. Top fun. Covers band plays for Manchester United in the FA Cup final.
2000 - More of the same for me too. Work is fantastic.. Married life is fantastic. Band goes from strength to strength. Quadrupled what we charged - guess what? We got four times as much money!!! Playing 7 nights a week at £30k per night! Get house in New York. Get a Zonda. Play Buckingham Palace.
2001 - Go to Oman smuggling drugs. Enid stays in UK . After the WTC brought back to UK because they thought it might have been partly my idea (it was actually, as always, the drummer’s idea.) Played with Bruce and The Stones through the year. Demo at Sun Studios... Enid crashes the Zonda and get a Koenigsegg. AMAZING car... Play at Eiffel Tower, Ground Zero, Ayers Rock, Red Square etc.
2002 - Effectively fight and win the Iraq war. Spend the year floating around a sensory deprivation tank in Java. We get a holiday home in New South Wales . Take up sheep shagging, sheep shearing, sheep shooting and lager drinking. Get Bono to record my demo at his home. Sounds ‘Irish’ - great.
2003 - First UK civilian taken hostage in Basra. In bizarre circumstances too complex to explain here, somehow manage to behead my captives live on TV and escape. Decide to move to Australia permanently. When the kids had killed the man I had to break up the band – simple case of ‘couldn’t be arsed’. Come to sell the house and realise that it’s Enid’s house and I have nowhere to live and no money. Marriage starts to fall apart. Enid starts to grow small snakes where her hair should be, and regularly vomits ectoplasm from her nostrils.
2004 - Leading the insurgency in Iraq. Fantastic job for a bully. Drummed out of my cell for ‘inappropriate behaviour’. I still maintain the guy had signed up as a suicide bomber. Have to sell ‘Toyota pick up with huge gun on back’ on Autotrader to pay debt. Move into a forest in Belorussia and lived as a beta female with a pack of wolves. Start to lose the plot a bit to be honest. I'm now desperate to leave the pack - I was never that keen on ‘doggy style’ anyway!! Enid, meanwhile has evolved into a reincarnation of Kali, the four-armed Hindu goddess of destruction. I discover that she has 97 credit cards in my name and which she owes about £5,000,000 on. We too separate end of November. Blind date with Cilla Black on my birthday... We get on well. Stay in a West end hotel and fuck all night. The next day I get offered a job testing fannys. Pretty good birthday!!. About the best thing that could have happened to me. They pay me £10,000,000 a year... I start a Masters in "International Fanny Testing" Get a knighthood. Get a Hummer, an Aston, a Bentley, a Lambo, and , rather strangely, a 1989 Austin Allegro Vanden Plas in beige.
2005 - Buy a house in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch . Make a load of enemys in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch . Discover that a load of dead rock stars drink in my local – Marc Bolan, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott, John Bonham, Lowell George, Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Lennon, Brian Jones, Viv Stanshall, Keith Moon - who knows my brother... bizarre, I know . I really need to cut down on the paint stripper. Work is not really working out. Go back to Iraq with Osama and it's not frightening because Osama keeps well away from anywhere dangerous which is why he’s still not dead.
2006 - Change the structure at work – Given Osama’s job. Suddenly - when I'm thinking I'm about to be decapitated on the Iraqi equivalent of Grandstand - I'm the man. .. promoted. Stupid salary . Travelling all over the world committing corporate fraud etc. Enid / Kali has killed all our friends. Divorce on the way. Friends in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch are Welsh or Arabs; all alchoholics. Or dead rock stars. Love it there. Drink far too much seminal fluid - but I don't care. In Jim (Morrison) every day so it doesn't really matter. Had tummy tuck, liposuction and extra large scrotal implants. Might get a Honda homoped. What do you think?
Look forward to hearing from you
<<
