The Nutter on the Bus

[xane]

Older forum members may recall Jasper Carrot's "nutter on the bus" skit decades ago, yesterday I found out how time has moved on.

I rarely take the bus to work now, but last night I sat next to a guy and made the unacceptable social gaffe of slightly brushing my shoe against his shit-covered trainers. For this erstwhile error, I was informed "people have been killed for less", not in very polite terms either.

The sub-neaderthal then verbally accosted me in some strange pre-babylonian "jive talk" language, most of which was completely incomprehensible to me, but dispite generations of evolutionary separation I managed to parley the gist of his message which was how much of an amazing person he was and how much pain I would suffer shortly, largely via my rectum.

After considering a Jules Winnfield style "well let me retort", I relented and wisely decided to completely ignore him, especially seeing as his two crackhead friends were sitting behind us. They all disembarked a few stops later depriving me of the fruits of their cave drawing and primitive toolmaking knowledge and taking their empty threats with them.

I should add this was all done in broad daylight during a busy period ("rush hour"), years ago the knuckle-draggers were considerate enough to keep their practical lessons in social inadequacy to within the late hours, but no more. This is not the first time, it's quite scary when I have my 5yo son with me and this sort of thing happens.

Mr Ken Livingston should note, that a paultry £5 charge isn't going to stop anyone avoiding using buses and other public transport whilst these lowbrows insist on using it to push their respec' around on ordinary people, it's been years since I saw an inspector let alone a policeman on a bus, and nowdays Mr Driver is going to stay right in his little perspex box when the shit hits the fan.

Please feel free share your modern day "nutter" experiences ...

 

[Wilier]

We have a bus comes through our village, once a day (well, twice if you count the return journey). Worst you get on there is tripping over the zimmerframes in the walkway.

Wilier, living in extra, extra rural Lincolnshire.

 

[Will]

Not public transport related, but it is about nutters, so humour me.

I used to work in a Post Office. The nearest DSS handed out handwritten giros for the whole of Glasgow. Every person without either a home or an address which their giro could be posted to came to visit me.
The daily death threats when I asked for proof of identity, or if the queue was longer than twenty seconds, were fine, after a few months I didn't really give a shit, and enjoyed the chance to shout at the customers. (The customer isn't always right, because I do need ID to go with that)
The people staggering about on jellies didn't bother me, the thick bullet-proof glass was enough protection.

But the two armed robberies in 3 days were a little bit freaky. Luckily, he was so incompetant that I can look back and laugh. I can give a list of hints and tips for furture robbers.

• Balaclavas should have large eyeholes, which allow you to see out.
• A truncheon, no matter how threateningly held, is not hollow, and will not be convincing. (He got this one right on the second attempt).
• While childrens gloves are cheap, when you cock the pistol and a bullet pops out the top, it makes it very hard to pick it up.
• Robbing a Post Office you live above is a bad idea.

 

[Lester]

lol nice one.

A guy actually managed to rob my shop (while i was out) with a tree branch.

He came into the shop with a kwik save bag round his face and threatened the girl to hand over the money, whereupon she replied "stop mucking about roy" - It's a video shop and he was a regular customer. Having been rumbled he took of his "mask" which was slowly killing him and took all the money out of the till. It being 3 minutes after opening his total haul came to about half the float - £14.

British justice defied all previous experience and he got 2 years! )still classed as "armed robbery" y'see)

 

[old.ignus]

if only I could remember half the stories I've been told/ witnessed over the years. Nutters, idiots, old people and disabled people who think they're above the law, druggies, and people who just seem to lack common sense entirely. We have a small book at work called the jackass list (inspired at the time by the popular TV show) that we use to record stupid events, the best being the time one man and his family complained because they couldn't find one of the attractions, when led down the correct corridor he said he couldn't get down earlier because of a sign, when asked what sign he pointed to the "Warning, area 51, you are entering government property and cannot enter without the base comanders approval!" which is part of the theme in the area. We liked this one so much we lamenated it.
Anyway back to nutters, when I refused service to one guy his reply was "do you want to take this outside, I just got out of prison!" If the response in my head had been spoken aloud I wouldn't be here today. As I had no bullet proof glass or panic button or any chance at backup before being beaten to a pulp I decided that it wasn't worth it and served him. Bastard, I hope he's back inside being bummed by a big bald guy with tatooes.

 

[pcg79]

Cama - what bus was it?

Buses that go through places like Hackney, and Holloway are to be avoided. Such as the 43. And probably the 38 :/

 

[S-Gray]

Why? are you on em or somethin?

 

[pcg79]

Heh :} Maybe..

 

[caLLous]

Originally posted by oldlester
...and threatened the girl to hand over the money, whereupon she replied "stop mucking about roy" - It's a video shop and he was a regular customer.

Heh heh.

 

[lovedaddy]

I used to work for Natwest bank, being a pauper on the front desks.

I used to get all the twats and nutters in. One of the funny one I remembered was this old women. She came in asking to transfer money from 1 account to another. She gave me details of the accounts and how the transfers were to go. I pointed out to her that there was no money from the origional account, did she mean the wanted to transfer the other way round.
I tried being pleasant "the account you want to transfer money from doesn't have any in. this account has money in are you sure you didn't want the transfer the other way round".
She just looked confused, so I tried again, this time being a bit more aggressive.
However, that was my mistake. Big fat burst into tears. Bangin on about how her husband has just died and he used to handle all the money. My manager was called out, and he spent about 2 hours with her in a booth thing trying to calm her down. Did I get a kicking for that one.

 

[Mellow-]

Originally posted by Itcheh

• Robbing a Post Office you live above is a bad idea.

Originally posted by oldlester
A guy actually managed to rob my shop (while i was out) with a tree branch ...

British justice defied all previous experience and he got 2 years! (still classed as "armed robbery" y'see)

LOL!

Oh and gutted lovedaddy

I would have thought Hackney was to be avoided at all costs anyway?

 

[old.Kez]

Originally posted by pcg79
Buses that go through places like Hackney [...] are to be avoided.

Anything that goes through Hackney should be avoided, frankly.

 

[Mellow-]

The words "shit" and "hole" spring to mind.

 

[Nibbler]

I was on teh bus to B'ham city centre about a week ago...

It was packed and it was my stop to get off at. I clambered down the stairs and waited, standing. A tramp was sitting down on a seat right next to me, staring at my crotch, playing air guitar.....

 

[Nos-]

Never encountered any nutters on the bus, but one night me and a mate got the last bus home from the city centre after a night out doing the pub rounds.

Little did we know that the bus driver would use our route home as practise for his F1 trial with Williams.

Never before in my life have I had to grip the seat rails so tightly as to avoid being slung from one side of the bus to the other.

Next Saturday we did the same, in the hope of getting the same bus driver.

 

[old.D0LLySh33p]

Wish you lot would stop talking about me like this.

 

[Testin da Cable]

there springs to mind a person I encountered some nights ago while walking home. a scruffy looking person walked out of an alleyway and moved quickly towards me. once next to me he proceded to do something that I can only describe as a version of cossack dancing puncuated with threats apon my person. I told him to "f- off" and he left.
strangely enough I seem to remember seeing him about a year ago...he acted the same then, just as I did.

 

[old.Kez]

You must have a rapport, tdc.

 

[Testin da Cable]

I can't help it if certain people find me insanely attractive :/

 

[~Lazarus~]

Used to travel a lot by bus during my college years in Edinburgh.

Remember one instance on a bus where a certain individual looked decidedly "peaky" during the travels.

Little did I know that he had a bad chinese the night before and was feeling rather unwell.

2 stops before he was due to get off, he threw up - straight into the hood of the person sitting in front of him - who never even reacted. Guys must have been sleeping.

I, ermmmm I mean HE promptly got off the bus and walked "nonchalantly" away.

Always wondered what happened when that guy put his hood up

 

[xane]

Reminds of the time I saw a guy on the Tube trying to hold in his puke, the doors opened and he rushed straight for the litter bin (this was back in the days when they had those litter bins hanging off the platform walls). He threw up in the bin but because it only had a wireframe bottom the puke went straight through and covered his shoes.

 

[James-]

Originally posted by camazotz
He threw up in the bin but because it only had a wireframe bottom the puke went straight through and covered his shoes.

I bet he wished he had of thrown up on the bus

 

[Testin da Cable]

strangely I've always wanted to puke violently on somebody. eep.

 

[James-]

I always thought Dutch people were a little peculiar. Mostly due to the psychotic Dutch member we have in SQS :/

 

[whipped]

Along while ago, while still living in Plymouth, I was making the 10 minute walk from the town center to the College when I was approached by a rather heavily bearded man carrying a small tubberware box.

In the box where a few coppers and a pound coin. He preceeded to explain to me that he'd made the unfortunate choice of becoming addicted to crack and now owed a rather substantial sum to his local drug dealers. I think the rough words he used were, "Gi us some money man. The dealers are gonna cut me thumbs off if I don't get the money I need"

Feeling sorry for the bearded fella (He did remind me of Buster Merryfeild somewhat), I opened my wallet to give him some coppers.

Yoink! In goes his hand to my wallet, out goes the £5 I had stashed in there and off he goes as fast as his short, fat little legs would carry him. I simply stood there looking rather shock and feeling very silly.

That was the last time I gave any money to a begger. I now choose my fathers option in the begger money giving situations. Opt for a fruit pastil. They're are nearly always grateful.

 

[Testin da Cable]

Originally posted by James-
I always thought Dutch people were a little peculiar. Mostly due to the psychotic Dutch member we have in SQS :/

I'm only half dutch you barbarian


*stab mank violently in the nipple*

 

[wolfeeh]

lol

i can't recommend actually throwing up violently on people mate... not if they're ur friends anyway i did it in school once... guy never spoke to me again, twas one of my best mates. wanka.

anyway gosford park any good?

 

[James-]

Originally posted by Testin da Cable
I'm only half dutch you barbarian


*stab mank violently in the nipple*

Then you can be half psychotic, and leave my nipz0rs alone bitch!

 

[Mellow-]

Re: lol

Originally posted by wolfeeh
i can't recommend actually throwing up violently on people mate... not if they're ur friends anyway i did it in school once... guy never spoke to me again, twas one of my best mates. wanka.

anyway gosford park any good?

Oh way to go wolfeeh, call him a wanka when it was your fault in the first place




On a lighter note, whenever people ask me for change, my replies are either:

(a) Yes thanks (followed by a huge grin and walking off)
(b) No (followed by a piercing stare and walking off in disgust)

 

[Testin da Cable]

you lurv it really James