the little book of complete bollocks

[old.ignus]

during a spring clean today I found a little book I book a while ago to keep myself entertained on a train journey. Its called the little book of complete bollocks (and it really is little, about the same size as a cracker), and Im going to post all the pages of it.

Feel free to spam or discuss.

Your mind
Your mind is like the surface of a lake. It is calm ad smooth, until anxious thoughts start ruffling the surface.

Drain the lake.

Empty you mind.

Where there is no water, there can be no surface.

Where there is no mind, there can be no anxiety.

The empty head is the beginning of wisdom.



Important
Feelings of unimportance are often caused by a lack of importance.

Banish your feelings of unimportance by becoming president of the united states.



Stress in the workplace
When you are experiencing stress in the workplace, there is nothing more soothing tha a herbal tea. Make the tea in a large mug, add a generous spoonful of organic honey, then pour the contents over the desktop PC of the person who's been getting up your nose.

 

[Daffeh]

wow likes that really enlightening...or something

 

[kanonfodda]

Originally posted by ignus
Stress in the workplace
When you are experiencing stress in the workplace, there is nothing more soothing tha a herbal tea. Make the tea in a large mug, add a generous spoonful of organic honey, then pour the contents over the desktop PC of the person who's been getting up your nose.

ROFL

 

[Testin da Cable]

Originally posted by ignus

Stress in the workplace
When you are experiencing stress in the workplace, there is nothing more soothing tha a herbal tea. Make the tea in a large mug, add a generous spoonful of organic honey, then pour the contents over the desktop PC of the person who's been getting up your nose. [/B]

I wonder if this works for servers too

 

[kanonfodda]

Re: Re: the little book of complete bollocks

Originally posted by testin_da_cable



I wonder if this works for servers too

Probbably, but takes more explaining

 

[Wij]

Aha, that's a take-off of the Little Book Of Calm then. A real wanker's book that one. I needed sending up

 

[Testin da Cable]

Dear Sun customer support,

three of our new E15000 servers have failed due to honey induced cpu immolation. As your service guidelines do not specifically state that the laving of the cpus with honey by our sysadmins is a bad thing, we call apon you to replace the three servers free of charge.
We also hereby inform you that we shall be bringing suit against you to the sum of one gazillion euro as our databases were lost in the ensuing fire and one engineer received electric burns during his lavation duties.

Regards,

Large Corp.

 

[old.ignus]

todays three.

this ones a good one.

Tired and sluggish?
Tiredness and sluggishness can often be traced back to digestive problems.

Make room in your life for your large intestine. Give it some attention. Ask if it would be interested in colonic irrigation. Talk to your bottom about it. Listen to your bottom before taking a descision.



Creativity
Explore your creativity in new ways.
Paint a picture.
Compose a symphony.
Write a novel.
Direct a movie.
Build a bridge.
Construct a ten-lane highway.
Re-point the great wall of China.
Make a cup of tea.



Inner peace
Find inner peace by clenching and unclenching your buttocks at least twenty times a day.


I skimmed ahead and tomorrows three are quite funny.

 

[Testin da Cable]

tea!!! /me runs off

 

[Stazbumpa]

listen to your bottom ffs

 

[kanonfodda]

Originally posted by testin_da_cable
Dear Sun customer support,

three of our new E15000 servers have failed due to honey induced cpu immolation. As your service guidelines do not specifically state that the laving of the cpus with honey by our sysadmins is a bad thing, we call apon you to replace the three servers free of charge.
We also hereby inform you that we shall be bringing suit against you to the sum of one gazillion euro as our databases were lost in the ensuing fire and one engineer received electric burns during his lavation duties.

Regards,

Large Corp.

You've done that before haven't you?

 

[old.ignus]

Todays bollocks:


The child within
Finding the child within yourself can be harder than you think. Buy a cuddly toy and take it to bed with you. Use it to rediscover the child self you thought you had lost forever. Keep in touch with this child-self wherever you go. Throw tantrums with people who won't let you have your way. Eat too much chocolate and be sick. Show your partner your anger by wetting the bed.


Finding out who you are
The best way to find out who you are is to go up to somebody who knows who you are and say, 'hello, who am I?'

Looking at your name in a driving licence or passport is another useful way of finding out who you are.


Death
Do not be afraid of death. Death is merely the continuance of life, only without the breathing. Eat lots of spinach.

 

[Testin da Cable]

Originally posted by kanonfodda


You've done that before haven't you?

I wish

Show your partner your anger by wetting the bed.

YEAH!!13 uh....YEAH!!234

 

[Munkey-]

there is nothing wrong with wetting the bed.....at all. i am secure in my adulthood!!!! i am secure! THERE ARE NO WEAKNESS'S!!!

 

[Summo]

What's that smell?

 

[Munkey-]

its the....uhhh....PRAWNS!

 

[Testin da Cable]

you have prawns down your pants?

 

[Stazbumpa]

He's had worse.

 

[old.Kez]

Prawns down pants != bestiality / zoophilia

Lets all remember that.

 

[Wilier]

origionally posted by TdC
Show your partner your anger by wetting the bed.

I used to go out with a girl who did just that. She was soooo pissed that she just did it. Ive heard of blokes pissing the bed, but not women, dirty cow.



Whilst talkin of piss, I was once startled by my mother who started screaming when she found me pissing all over my clothes in my wardrobe in the middle of the night. I was amazed to see my mother just walked into the bathroom whilst I was pee'ing, until the awful truth dawned.

 

[Munkey-]

god damnit. stop giving away my secrets

 

[xane]

LOL, Wilier remind me of my mate who got caught by his mum asleep on the lounge sofa one morning with a pool of vomit under one of the chairs. The chair was an old fashioned variety, with the seat that you can lift up, rather like a toilet seat if you get my drift ...

 

[Testin da Cable]

lol

oh dear

 

[old.ignus]

Todays three:

Ecstatic
Experience pure ecstasy by running through a meadow of wild Alpine flowers. If there isn't a meadow of wild Alpine flowers in your area, try running across your lawn. (Prolong the ecstasy by running very slowly.)


Depression
Share your depression with other people by giving your depression a name. You might for instance, decide to call it 'Herbert'. Then, when a friend calls to invite you out to dinner, you should enquire, 'can Herbert come too?' If your friend is non-supportive just say something like, ' I'm sorry, if you can't accept that I'm in a relationship with Herbert, then I really don't want to come to dinner with you.'

Another way of dealing with your depression is to give it a less depressing name than Herbert.



Spring cleaning
Spring clean your mind. Brush away the cobwebs of guilt. Scrub out the stains of anxiety. Hoover up the dust of depression. Take you brain to the dry cleaners.
(Don't lose the ticket)

 

[Damini]

Ahs anyone read chicken soup for the soul? It's one of those nauseating feel good books the americans produce. Anyway, I was thumbing through it, and I read a touching true story I wished to share...


There was a poor little black kid in a slum ghetto type area, who had a bad leg. All he dreamed off was being a pro football wrestler. The big game was on, and he couldn't afford to go. So, he limped all the way to the game by foot, and waited outside to meet his favourite player (some big name type I cant recall). He told this pro "One day I'm going to be a famous player, just like you." And one day. he was. That young boy with the limp was O J Simpson.

The moral was something about never giving up on your dreams.

That story kinda amused me. Heart warming stories from proven murderers. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

 

[old.ignus]

Hey don't insult the bollocks with that American crap.

 

[Testin da Cable]

Originally posted by ignus

Share your depression with other people by giving your depression a name.

I give my hangovers names, does that count?

 

[Stazbumpa]

Yes. Name them after ex-girlfriends that pissed you off.

It helps, trust me.

 

[Testin da Cable]

goodness, I'd have to hustle then heh.
I've had [and will have prolly] more hangovers than gfs

 

[old.Kez]

When you run out of girlfriends, just start calling them Thatcher :/