old.Whoodoo
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Dec 24, 2003
- Messages
- 3,646
inspired by the upcoming remake by the yanks of this famous tale:
Trying to map our little corner of existence is hard; it takes many hours, day’s even minutes to work out just where the boundaries lie. So, to make things a tad easier, the inhabitants of Librarius Prime, a little known and even less cared about island, rumoured to be off the islands south of the southern islands, somewhere just off the zone walls of infinity, decided to make a sort of book, well not so much a book as a messy folder scattered in the back of an old hand cart carried around for generations until one day assembled.
To try and explain just how the book came into being would take a long time. In fact longer than most take to power level a toon beyond his usefulness in monster killing. So, let’s try and see it not so much in the context of something boring like the “Encyclopaedia Albion, a parable of life in a tin can” or “Hibernia – and how to grow your own weed”, but as a pleasant story.
First, we must meet our hero’s, who at this particular time are quite happy putting the finishing touches to a large wall in a place called Emain. Having just finished hanging the rather over elaborate doors, our main character turns to his friend, wiping his brow and admiring all his hard work.
Our hero’s name is Arthur King, a long served Paladin of the Briton persuasion. His accomplice, Nissan Sunny, is a tall rather pale looking wizard, and not a very good one.
Arthur: “You think this will keep them out?”
Nissan: “Not a hope, you seen those trolls, they will fart and this thing will fall down!”
Arthur: “Nice optimism, remind me to not ask you again.”
Nissan: “Well I did warn you when you bought this land, the mere fact you have to wait ages to get transport here, critters that will bite your head off before you can draw a sword, and the weird smell coming from the keep down the road…..”
Arthur: “Ok, ok I get the hint, but its too late now, I paid good money for this land to retire on, and I’m not letting a bunch of stuffy kobolds and smelly Orges..”
Nissan: “Trolls…”
Arthur: “Yes, Trolls, take my land from me”
Nissan bends down to the ground, as if listening for something.
Arthur: “What?”
Nissan: “Sorry, dropped a contact.”
Nissan stands holding a small piece of plastic, amazing as its not been invented yet.
Nissan: “Look, believe me, they wont be happy about your wall you know. I wont say I told you so….”
There was a knock at the door.
Nissan: “Told you so….”
Arthur stepped back from the door, eyebrows raised in shock.
Arthur: “There’s no one home.”
Nissan: “Is that the best you can do?”
Arthur: “Well, it’s a bit short notice.”
“Wilderness cookies…” bellowed a deep voice with the strangest of accents.
Arthur: “None today, thank you!”
Nissan placed his head against the door, straining to listen. He then turned his head and put his eye to the thin crack between the doors.
Nissan: “Something tells me they aren’t girl scouts.”
Arthur: “Really?”
Nissan: “Well unless they come armed to the teeth, and my, my, what big teeth they have.”
Arthur swallowed loudly, pulled up his tin plate trousers, and yelled back;
Arthur: “What do you want?”
“Mr King?”
Arthur: “Might be, depends who’s asking.”
“We are the Vasudheim Tarmac Company, as our colleagues informed you, we are here to build the new Midgard Zerg-way, and under harticle ermm…”
Nissan could see the large and cumbersome looking troll on the other side of the door, wrestling with a rather large axe, and several scrolls of various sizes.
“…2 of the Zerg-way act, we are hereby autho….autho….autho”
Mutterings could be heard fro the other side of the door, as well as the odd giggle.
“….told we gotta take down your wall to make way for it.”
Arthur: “Sod off!”
“Now that’s no way to be Mr Fing”
Arthur: “That’s King to you.”
“Look mate, we is just doing our job see, you can’t stand in the way of progress, no be a good chap and open the door.”
Arthur: “Sod off.”
“Look Mr King, our offices in Jordheim informed you weeks ago that this area was designated for a new by-pass, and that any and all building work should stop immediately.”
Arthur: “Sod off.”
Arthur: “Informed me? When”
“I assure you Mr King our offices wrote to you several times in Prydwen, informing you of the application, and the plans are available to the public in the town hall in Jordheim for all to see.”
Arthur: “Jordheim, that’s bloody miles away, and I moved out from Prydwen three weeks ago.”
“Sorry Mr King, you cant stop progress you know.”
Arthur: “Take a hint! SOD OFF!”
“Right, we’ve tried to be nice Mr King, you leave us no choice..”
Arthur: “Sod off.”
“Bloody Brit, Ok, if that’s how it’s going to be.” He began to bellow out behind him. The faint rumble of machinery could be heard growing louder by the second.
Nissan decided to make a hasty retreat from the door, and ran up the ramparts, the look of shock on his face made poor Arthur a little nervous.
Arthur: “I’m a little nervous now.”
Nissan: “And rightly so, this isn’t pretty Arthur, I think its time we left!”
Arthur: “Why, what’s over there?”
Nissan: “You don’t want to know. Tell you what, come with me, I know a little place…”
Arthur King was a Briton. Known for their stubborn heroism, often confused with idiocy, the Britons had spent many years being knocked about by a large variety of races, from the Romans to the French.
The Hitchhikers guide to Camelot had a very simple entry for their realm, it said “Zerg.”, and this was apparently the last words of the author prior to being run over by 80 Britons, after someone told them that there was a respec stone sale in the major city. Unbeknown to Arthur, his companion Nissan was there to upgrade the guide and provide a better description of the place and its inhabitants. However Nissan’s stay in the realm seemed to be short lived, as one hundred angry contractor Trolls were about to see him the same demise as his predecessor. His new entry in the book simply read “Albion; Stealth Zerg”.
Meanwhile, our intrepid pair gathered their thoughts in a strange bar, back on home soil.
Nissan: “Look, I’ve just saved your bacon, least you can do is buy me a beer.”
Arthur: “I would, but my wallets in my other tin trousers. These are my sleeping leggings, look, no pockets.”
Nissan: “You’re a Briton alright…”
Arthur: “So what are we going to do then?”
Nissan: “About what?”
Arthur: “My home of course.”
Nissan: “Ahh, well….you see, it was inevitable, those trolls were going to come anyway.”
Arthur: “What do you mean.”
Nissan: “Look, I feel I’ve known you long enough to tell you…”
Arhtur: “Two weeks is a bit short for that kind of thing, I’m English, we don’t do that kind of thing.”
Nissan: “Shut up Arthur.”
Nissan removed some scrolls from his bag, placing them on the table in front of him.
Nissan: “Look Arthur, how would you like to help me? I’ve got this sort of quest.”
Arthur: “Quest?”
Nissan: “You see this; well it’s the biggest compilation of information about the realms as we know them. It’s my job to gather as much information as possible about everything.”
Arthur: “Everything?”
Nissan: “Yes, everything.”
Arthur: “What’s it called?”
Nissan: “Well we were going to call it the Prima Guide, but there already was one, its not very good and was instantly out of date. So we called it ‘The Hitch-hikers guide to Camelot.”
Arthur: “Well, as my new homes gone, I’ve got nothing else to do.”
The pair noticed then, the ale in their flagons starting to ripple. Gradually, the ground and building around them also began to shake vigorously.
Nissan: “This doesn’t look good.”
He began to look through his scrolls, then found the page he wanted and exclaimed in a loud voice while slapping himself on the forehead rather hard;
Nissan: “Poo!”
Arthur: “Poo?”
Nissan: “Yes Arthur, poo, shit, crap and any variance on faeces.”
Arthur: “Faeces?”
Nissan: “Look Arthur, try and be a little more constructive in conversation, you’re getting a tad tedious keep repeating my words. I’ve just realised this pub is right in the same path as your wall, and right now a hundred angry trolls you pissed off are heading right for us!”
Arthur: “Right for….sorry, what should we do?”
Nissan: “OK, listen carefully, just before they get here, lie down on the floor, put your hands over your kod-piece, and shout the word ‘RELEASE’ as loudly as you can.”
Arthur: “Release???”
Nissan: “Louder!!!”
The duo lay down in the sawdust covering the floor, as the rumbling started to become deafening.
Nissan: “GET READY”
Arthur clasped his hands around his groin, with a strangely surprised look on his face.
Nissan: “NOW!!”
Arthur & Nissan: “RELEASE!!”
The Hitch-hikers guide to Camelot.
Part 1.
The universe is big, really big, well as big as the maps the gods of Mythic let us believe anyway.Trying to map our little corner of existence is hard; it takes many hours, day’s even minutes to work out just where the boundaries lie. So, to make things a tad easier, the inhabitants of Librarius Prime, a little known and even less cared about island, rumoured to be off the islands south of the southern islands, somewhere just off the zone walls of infinity, decided to make a sort of book, well not so much a book as a messy folder scattered in the back of an old hand cart carried around for generations until one day assembled.
To try and explain just how the book came into being would take a long time. In fact longer than most take to power level a toon beyond his usefulness in monster killing. So, let’s try and see it not so much in the context of something boring like the “Encyclopaedia Albion, a parable of life in a tin can” or “Hibernia – and how to grow your own weed”, but as a pleasant story.
First, we must meet our hero’s, who at this particular time are quite happy putting the finishing touches to a large wall in a place called Emain. Having just finished hanging the rather over elaborate doors, our main character turns to his friend, wiping his brow and admiring all his hard work.
Our hero’s name is Arthur King, a long served Paladin of the Briton persuasion. His accomplice, Nissan Sunny, is a tall rather pale looking wizard, and not a very good one.
Arthur: “You think this will keep them out?”
Nissan: “Not a hope, you seen those trolls, they will fart and this thing will fall down!”
Arthur: “Nice optimism, remind me to not ask you again.”
Nissan: “Well I did warn you when you bought this land, the mere fact you have to wait ages to get transport here, critters that will bite your head off before you can draw a sword, and the weird smell coming from the keep down the road…..”
Arthur: “Ok, ok I get the hint, but its too late now, I paid good money for this land to retire on, and I’m not letting a bunch of stuffy kobolds and smelly Orges..”
Nissan: “Trolls…”
Arthur: “Yes, Trolls, take my land from me”
Nissan bends down to the ground, as if listening for something.
Arthur: “What?”
Nissan: “Sorry, dropped a contact.”
Nissan stands holding a small piece of plastic, amazing as its not been invented yet.
Nissan: “Look, believe me, they wont be happy about your wall you know. I wont say I told you so….”
There was a knock at the door.
Nissan: “Told you so….”
Arthur stepped back from the door, eyebrows raised in shock.
Arthur: “There’s no one home.”
Nissan: “Is that the best you can do?”
Arthur: “Well, it’s a bit short notice.”
“Wilderness cookies…” bellowed a deep voice with the strangest of accents.
Arthur: “None today, thank you!”
Nissan placed his head against the door, straining to listen. He then turned his head and put his eye to the thin crack between the doors.
Nissan: “Something tells me they aren’t girl scouts.”
Arthur: “Really?”
Nissan: “Well unless they come armed to the teeth, and my, my, what big teeth they have.”
Arthur swallowed loudly, pulled up his tin plate trousers, and yelled back;
Arthur: “What do you want?”
“Mr King?”
Arthur: “Might be, depends who’s asking.”
“We are the Vasudheim Tarmac Company, as our colleagues informed you, we are here to build the new Midgard Zerg-way, and under harticle ermm…”
Nissan could see the large and cumbersome looking troll on the other side of the door, wrestling with a rather large axe, and several scrolls of various sizes.
“…2 of the Zerg-way act, we are hereby autho….autho….autho”
Mutterings could be heard fro the other side of the door, as well as the odd giggle.
“….told we gotta take down your wall to make way for it.”
Arthur: “Sod off!”
“Now that’s no way to be Mr Fing”
Arthur: “That’s King to you.”
“Look mate, we is just doing our job see, you can’t stand in the way of progress, no be a good chap and open the door.”
Arthur: “Sod off.”
“Look Mr King, our offices in Jordheim informed you weeks ago that this area was designated for a new by-pass, and that any and all building work should stop immediately.”
Arthur: “Sod off.”
Arthur: “Informed me? When”
“I assure you Mr King our offices wrote to you several times in Prydwen, informing you of the application, and the plans are available to the public in the town hall in Jordheim for all to see.”
Arthur: “Jordheim, that’s bloody miles away, and I moved out from Prydwen three weeks ago.”
“Sorry Mr King, you cant stop progress you know.”
Arthur: “Take a hint! SOD OFF!”
“Right, we’ve tried to be nice Mr King, you leave us no choice..”
Arthur: “Sod off.”
“Bloody Brit, Ok, if that’s how it’s going to be.” He began to bellow out behind him. The faint rumble of machinery could be heard growing louder by the second.
Nissan decided to make a hasty retreat from the door, and ran up the ramparts, the look of shock on his face made poor Arthur a little nervous.
Arthur: “I’m a little nervous now.”
Nissan: “And rightly so, this isn’t pretty Arthur, I think its time we left!”
Arthur: “Why, what’s over there?”
Nissan: “You don’t want to know. Tell you what, come with me, I know a little place…”
Arthur King was a Briton. Known for their stubborn heroism, often confused with idiocy, the Britons had spent many years being knocked about by a large variety of races, from the Romans to the French.
The Hitchhikers guide to Camelot had a very simple entry for their realm, it said “Zerg.”, and this was apparently the last words of the author prior to being run over by 80 Britons, after someone told them that there was a respec stone sale in the major city. Unbeknown to Arthur, his companion Nissan was there to upgrade the guide and provide a better description of the place and its inhabitants. However Nissan’s stay in the realm seemed to be short lived, as one hundred angry contractor Trolls were about to see him the same demise as his predecessor. His new entry in the book simply read “Albion; Stealth Zerg”.
Meanwhile, our intrepid pair gathered their thoughts in a strange bar, back on home soil.
Nissan: “Look, I’ve just saved your bacon, least you can do is buy me a beer.”
Arthur: “I would, but my wallets in my other tin trousers. These are my sleeping leggings, look, no pockets.”
Nissan: “You’re a Briton alright…”
Arthur: “So what are we going to do then?”
Nissan: “About what?”
Arthur: “My home of course.”
Nissan: “Ahh, well….you see, it was inevitable, those trolls were going to come anyway.”
Arthur: “What do you mean.”
Nissan: “Look, I feel I’ve known you long enough to tell you…”
Arhtur: “Two weeks is a bit short for that kind of thing, I’m English, we don’t do that kind of thing.”
Nissan: “Shut up Arthur.”
Nissan removed some scrolls from his bag, placing them on the table in front of him.
Nissan: “Look Arthur, how would you like to help me? I’ve got this sort of quest.”
Arthur: “Quest?”
Nissan: “You see this; well it’s the biggest compilation of information about the realms as we know them. It’s my job to gather as much information as possible about everything.”
Arthur: “Everything?”
Nissan: “Yes, everything.”
Arthur: “What’s it called?”
Nissan: “Well we were going to call it the Prima Guide, but there already was one, its not very good and was instantly out of date. So we called it ‘The Hitch-hikers guide to Camelot.”
Arthur: “Well, as my new homes gone, I’ve got nothing else to do.”
The pair noticed then, the ale in their flagons starting to ripple. Gradually, the ground and building around them also began to shake vigorously.
Nissan: “This doesn’t look good.”
He began to look through his scrolls, then found the page he wanted and exclaimed in a loud voice while slapping himself on the forehead rather hard;
Nissan: “Poo!”
Arthur: “Poo?”
Nissan: “Yes Arthur, poo, shit, crap and any variance on faeces.”
Arthur: “Faeces?”
Nissan: “Look Arthur, try and be a little more constructive in conversation, you’re getting a tad tedious keep repeating my words. I’ve just realised this pub is right in the same path as your wall, and right now a hundred angry trolls you pissed off are heading right for us!”
Arthur: “Right for….sorry, what should we do?”
Nissan: “OK, listen carefully, just before they get here, lie down on the floor, put your hands over your kod-piece, and shout the word ‘RELEASE’ as loudly as you can.”
Arthur: “Release???”
Nissan: “Louder!!!”
The duo lay down in the sawdust covering the floor, as the rumbling started to become deafening.
Nissan: “GET READY”
Arthur clasped his hands around his groin, with a strangely surprised look on his face.
Nissan: “NOW!!”
Arthur & Nissan: “RELEASE!!”
