some friday night nostalgia

[TdC]

The Longest Story In The Whole Of The World
Volumes I and II
Condensed into this format from the original Barrysworld forum posts
by testin_da_cable with some help from DAN200 and SomeGuy. MYstIC G advised [and called me an idiot]


Harry didn't know how he came to be covered in bananas, but he was sure it wasn't his fault. Rising from the heap he saw
a small dog shaped figure thingie with foam hanging from its jaws. It stared at him, and leapt
at the pile of bananas, tearing skins off, banana flesh flying wildly
at this point the owner of the dog shaped figure thingie, the king of the potatoe people, turned up and insisted on walking round with his nob hanging out shouting "nanah nanah nanah"
The orchestra behind him doing the accompaniment for nanah nanah nanah started laughing at his nob that they all had multiple heart attacks. The conductor, a beautiful girl, stark naked screemed "
Big Issue mate?"
as the king went for fork out for the magazine (sureley trying to impress the biatch , from the distance, could be seen what looked like a 1981 GMC Custom Van!.. it couldnt be
A donut delivery van on it's way to
utumnos house, to keep the boys weight up so he can
finally become as fat as an american and impress his gypsy girlfriend by getting stuck while walking down the street.
unfortunately, while trying to eat a turnip
he was attacked by the mob that is bigfoot & deathace, he struggled under them, but they suffocated him with the turnip. The police arrived to investigate
and found him standing in the kitchen with a throbbing hard cock and a bottle of baby oil
"Put the chicken DOWN" shouted the Police officer
but it wasn't a chicken, it was a turkey, he proceded and got it half way down to the ground when he decided to ram it up his arse, the policeman
got out his trusty STEYR AUG assult rifle, and shot the bird right outta his arse, but the bullet carried on and went into his chest where it gave him a third nipple, he called this nipple /thripple/
In two weeks time, thripple the triple nipple of wonder had become world famous and a statue of it was erected just outside of buckingham palace
but because it was only 1cm high no fucker could see or appreciate so it was replaced with a
water feature shapped like the aforementioned throbbing hard cock, the authorities were shocked and stunned ladies and gentleman when they found out the statue was being used for
a decoy for a 2 gigga tonne MATTER/ANTI-MATTER EXPLOSIVE disguised as a vauxall nova 1.3 SR (with 2 12" subs, 5 spokes, lowered sus, and a K&N air filter)which was parked outside a club. this was planted here by the nortorious terrer group called
TUG and his paedo band of nova drivers association, found to be using this contraption for
vists to the supermarket to buy large amounts of bananas to heap on Harry who
Thripple the triple nipple of wonder
likes large things up his arse and also enjoys watching
repeats of shit TV programs on UK Gold. Meanwhile back at the huge throbbing cock shapped fountain
a crowd gathers in astonishment as Stu removes his anal bung and prepares to
scream 'I am cornolio! I need TP for my bunghole! And... I shag exor and bodhi.' and then stu sits and starts to cry because
nobody saw him get the 3 foot wide throbbong fountain cock up his arse with ease. At this point the King of the potato people returns and has a quick chat with the queen about some current things going down at the buckingham massive. There is a huge b-boy party going on in room 32974657 so they all head off to check it out on the way they see
athena posing for the latest feature on women in online gaming in "horse and hound". She called out
So I'm gaming with a horse AND a hound, so what, just look at that, your holding
an AK47. Mr. Clark and Ding Chavez then come along to disarm the evil one. All of a sudden theres a bright flash in the sky, when suddenly everyone realises that the sun has gone NOVA (had to get that one in . 3 massive space ships appear and an alien is teleported down, he says
Your standing on my issue of Power Slam and I suggest you
dirj ordijt oijr riojt oin...fuck it wrong language! i suggest you get the fuck off it bitch before i kick your mofo ass with a Hulk Hogan B-Boy death move....please. Just then it started it to rain
acid rain , everybody started to run for cover, this acid rain could have you tripping inside 30 secs, but the aliens just stood there until the big
Dildo squashed them, then it went up the dead aliens arses which made them
FAT american womman who is 45 with 12 kids by her 12yr old boyfriend came along and ate all the pies, just then, out of the blue, bill gates appeared introducing his new
anal vibrator. Stu- immediately made a dash for it and got his hands round
and head round win 2k, wintok is a fine girl with big tits, but her mum like our queen mum is ready to die, with a bang
doggy style, by pindicks like TUG and Nove abusing the dear old lady in the back of their uber powerful Nova SR's parked outside the statue of the erect phallus (hard cock for all you thick *****)
that was nicknamed Bodhi, as there was a striking resemblance. Stu- and *Exor* worshipped daily at the altar to their northern friends existence and regularly
jacked off to pictures of Dale Winton and bw0y George - semi-nekkid
Meanwhile. On the planet Zoirg. The supreme alien leader was watching the alien incursion on Earth on TV. "Wtf they doing?" He pushed a big red button and
Changed the channel, now he was watching 'Bravo' and who did he see on "pr0n w1th al1ens" but
Buffy french kissing a bat she had found and was trying to revive it. Spit dripping from the lippus lockus, the bat flapping furiously trying to get away. Buffy came up for air and looked longingly into the bats's eyes, "Be my handsome vampire, take me to your lair". The bat farted and squeeked. The fart drifted to Buffy's nose and she yelled "
Eeewww, .. but the fart was toxic, and she passed out very quickly.. she woke to find herself
covered in an inch of snowy dandruff and bat shit, which was unusual for that time of year, it being
not the snowy dandruff and bat shit season. After a shit,shower,shave she wandered deeper into the cave. All of a sudden a little weird thing jumped out and asked her for directions to
*Basinstoke
*Bodhis house so it could eat his eyes, rape his wife, and bite his dog, but buffy didn know, but all of a sudden morpheus appeared and asked the question "do you want to take the red pill or the blue pill", she thought long and hard about this and took the red pill, morpheus lafffffed at this and said "sucker" as she lay dieing on the floor, he then left, and with the ikkle weirdo creature still left (Also known as ExOR)
*why does that always happen!!!
*'cos "basinstoke" is quicker to type than that paragraph u wrote..is Bodhi's huse in basinstoke? any way on with the tale
They moved on to Basingstoke (note the spelling), which is at the top of hampshire and also the place where I attire, they slowly trundled back and forth and one of them fell on a pine tree and it went up his arse, the other one said
Exor ran after Morpheous and said "I know kung fu", and was given the reply "Show Me", so he did, and Morpheous ended up with his head stuck to the top of the cave, Exor quickly ran back with the blue pill, and gave it to Buffy, who ate it, and turned into Cordelia
*s'fucked up now
who had a second job as a presenter on QVC, selling household items and cheap jewellery. Cordelia/Buffy decided that the time had come to
Kill Nosser, cos he is a boring tw0t
and then get the gillette kit out and smooth each other off as they had a hot date with ~YuckFou~ who they hoped would give them the ninja finga while
hey were only one person, so cordelia moaned and moaned at YuckFou, till he fell asleep, this gave Exor enuff time to come in and toothpaste YuckFou's eyebrows and put his hand in a glass of warm water, cordelia laffed and then left, wanting to find the QVC channel agn.
*did that fullstop denote the end of this game, or should we continue?
meanwhile, the alien lords were becomming increasingly irritated with their uber shite telewest digital TV, Zog (the green one with purple tenticles), immediately called tech support and
got told to fuck off because
tech support couldn't get a playstation to work, let alone a mega death laser
because they were watching a good pr0n flick on the TV that starred
*Exor*, Stu- and Bodhi in a three way cock-sucking fest. This was the original complaint from the aliens who wanted more Vanessa Feltz on the TV instead of three little boys, so the aliens decided to
kill "Rolf Harris" for writing such a sh1tey tune in the first place, meanwhile Vagina Feltz was getting mounted by a
Chinese lesser spotted round backed hamster called
ChingChangChoolyWooly
Who continues to eat through bits of paper and run riot through the houses of
Babylon, the busiest whorehouse in town. Here they come across a naked pole dancing
meddle and frankie, but as it didnt take him very long to run through a cardboard box he decided to go for a pint with
somebody who could drink less than a hamster. While in the pub with Bodhi he bought a packet of crisps, the flavour was
fucking awful, but then most crisps taste that way. Bodhi drank a half of shandy bass and passed out under the table so the hamster moved on to
exor where bodhi got a cardboard tube, stuck it up his ass, got the hamster and jammed it up. Anyway, it got stuck, so bodhi thought he'd light a match to attract it to come out but instead it lit a pocket of gas from exors intestines which in turn set fire to the hamsters fur which in turn set fire to another pocket of air which made the hamster fly out like a cannonball, twat bodhi in the nose in which is now broken by the hamster and then bodhi's hair sets on fire
turned away from the balcony, rasing his hand apologetically to the thousands of people below the podemium, The Potato King meanwhile turned to the people and said
At which point the person who started this thread piped up saying he didnt want the story to go this way with immature twats with grudges to bear to start flaming people better than them who havent said a word...In case you didnt get that. FRANKIE MEDDLE LET IT LIE YOU COCKSTAINS. Just admit you've been beaten even when you ganged up and just carry on about your normal business of being thick pls thx
bye. At which point the falafel king landed. He fought a battle of wills and chopsticks with the potato king until they were both worn out. Lying in a heap on the floor, the falafel king said to the potato king "you know, i could really go for a
piss right now. He undid his fly, whipped out his johnson and proceeded to
shout, ARMAGEDDON! in quite a high pitched voice, whilst laughing lots
and spraying hot, steaming urine all over his shoes. Realising his mistake he
/continuity problem/
man, this down to earth living really sux, I'm off to find some nice female turnip or carrott. So off went MrPotatoeHead and put on his angry eyes. Suddenly he saw a human girl, dizzy and disorientated. Stumbling towards him was a 5ft 4" blonde wearing an outfit that would properly fit Mike McShane. Mr PotatoeHead yelled up to her, "arrrgh" and the blonde stepped on him and mashed him good. The mash was stuck to her foot when she lifted it. She looked at the sole of her bare foot and said "
by gosh this man's go cheesy smelly feat, please leave this show on, which made the girl go
mmmmmmmm I really want to
study trains, no no airoplanes. i really want to be a plane spotter so off she went to
Manchester airport, where she ran into Ian Brown. He looked at her with his golden gaze and said
is it just me or does everyone think I look like a monkey?! So, missus, do you wanna shave my goatie
for my book of Intercity 125 tain spottings? If you do we can
get it together in the back of a
scousers arse which smellz like
Bodhi's fingers. To which she replied "Get your goddamn monkey features outta my view!" Ian Brown was visibly upset and decided to
jump out of the nearest window. Landing on a big, inflatable
paddling pool
filled with nubile young wimmin
"Bloody Hell", said one, "It's Liam Gallagher!". "oooooh, I love your big monkey chops features", said another. However, the third (for there were only 3, this being quite a small paddling pool), soon corrected them with "no, liam gallaghers arse cant be as hairy as this..." - Ian Brown, bemused by all of this, immediately
filled his underwear with his juicey love-goo, while
a streaker passed by giving the signal
that the new football season had just started. David "I'm not thick really honest" Beckham was sitting at home with Vicky, wondering weather to get his hair done in
Halifax or Sunderland. He decided on Sunderland, as they had the biggest
sex shops in the nation and he wanted to get Vicki something Kinky, once there he purchased
two live chickens from the 'Marital Aids' section. Unfortunately, upon closer inspection, one of the chickens had
the head of rory mcgrath and the body of bill oddie....so he decided to buy 50 of them and store them in a
**wahey - post 100 lets c if it can beat m00!**
kitchen to the popular restaurant chain called Harvester, where the good man Nosser works. Nosser found the said chickens and tried to fight of the urge to rub their
FUNKY chicken legs (buk buuuk). Just as he was putting on into a bag to take home, the kitchen door opened
and in walked Gary Glitter! Now Nos, being the baby that he is, seemed very afraid to see this man. He suddenly froze, as glitter shouted 'Don't move or I'll shoot!!!' and swiftly whipped out his
erm, camera, which he had used many times 2 take pictures of
TUG and his other little playmates. Just then in walked the police and
said "Has anyone here ever used napster?" to which everyone said yes, he then said "ok i wont arrest you because its dumb arresting people for downloading MP3's" and everyone agreed. They then sat down to discuss it, when STU and all his chums came along to argue about their (dumbass stupid) points about MP3s, which were
very interesting to listen to but were quickly brought to an end..AS 5000 BREAKDANCING LLAMAS ENTERED THE ROOM DREESED UP LIKE FATHER CHRISTMAS AND SAID TOGETHER
"WE IS DANCING LLAMA's BITCH! But, we ph33r da m0000!!!" and started mooing and making llama noises here and there... a question was asked - 'hey mister llama, do you spit or swallow?!' and the llama said
i tend to spit, in fact
i can spit as well as eat razor blades whilst making sweet Llama love, with that Ding chavez who was on one of his field missions came in and said "Oi Llama, we is on a field mission killing terrorist and stuff, and we is hungry, so we is here to eat ya" and with that he put 3 silenced 7.62 mm rounds into the Llamas head, and began to feast on his brain. once finished he
all the buttons down hiss imitation armed forces jacket had pinged off and landed in various comedy locations around the room. While trying to retreave them, his shirt fell open, revealing a tatoo that said "
My other gun is an AK47", but the llama wasn't finished, it got up and shoved its'
head into the bubbling pot of chicken soup. However, it was so hot that the llamas head exploded, sending
tiny little people that were inside the llama all over the room coz the llama was not actually a llama it was a mechanica-llama. Out of suprise the little people
Grouped together and sung kum by yah around the campfire and cried 4 the victims of this cruel war...at this moment.. all the ppl in the room realised that 1 of the llamas looked exactly like chuck norris!! this was frightening because
he was after some
fried chicken in bbq sauce. However, Nos, who has lost his passion for the chicken rubbing job, had not rubbed enough chickens and so there was none fried. Before things turned ungly however, Nick Park entered, and took all of em to see his wonderful new film. Afterwards
they all had a huge temptation to gobble a
hob nob..this of course (and quite rightly so) got them arrested and brought down the station 4 a right bollocking, under charges of
eating a policemans staple diet. The Llama s were returned to the zoo, where they now provide light entertainment and stand up comedy to young visitors. The others however
dont... and
*IS this all you do, create large threads?
were locked up. While in the deep dark dungeons, they formed a prog rock tribute band called:
*^^^STOP!.....................ignore his wank above msg............. Carry on!^^^
Deep Dark Dungeon! Unfortunately the name didn't sit well with the buying public and they soon broke up after recording only one album titled
little jonny and the vixens, which sound something like
a cross between slipknot and daphne & celeste. ther first single, "sit on my face" did go to number one, but was never played on top of the pops because
of an alien invasion of large
sacks of potatoes. At this point someone pointed
out that the aliens were in fact just sacks of potatoes and that every 1 should calm down and put away their guns. Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock were send
2 investigate whether the potatoes were in fact from this world.
it all ended in TRAGEDY however as Charlie Dimmock was mistaken 4 a bag of potatoes due to her malformed breasts, and shot! as she lay on the ground, defenceless, and weeping bitter sweet tears of agony, Alan took advantage of the situation and
buried her in with the tatties. Years later: A small group of boy scouts are adventuring through the abandoned garden of another poor BBC makeover victim. MDF and a variety of staples are scattered accross what was once a lovely lawn. However, around one corner, growing strong by what is possibly not a potato plant, there was a
14ft dahlia called 'Eric'. Eric was undoubtedly the most boring dahlia in the world. He had no conversation at all, but he did have
a 12" penis, which was mighty strange him being a plant and all. The boy scouts stood in awe until one brave young chap reached forward and
Carved his initials on Eric's Penis;
"AAAAAARgh" Screamed Eric, spontaneously acquiring the ability to speak (what better incentive?) "You F
ailed to notice that your carving your initials on my genetalia, grrrrr. So Eric ate the scout.
The other boy scouts paniced. And, grabbing their trusty pocket knives and sewing needles, they
made a giant woggle, which they promptly slipped over Eric's 'head' (they were tall kids!). At that very moment, 32000 feet above their heads, a jumbo jet was in trouble. The pilot had struggled in vain to
get hsi coke can out of the window as the high winds were hampering his efforts. He then proceesed to let one rip which
due to the high pressures inside the plane, blew the doors off and
sucked the captain off the plane! "dammit i usually like being sucked off!!" he said. luckly a female stewardess was also hurtling to her doom ......she reached into her pocket and gave him h
er spare parachute which she had grabbed in the confusion. He was just about to let it off when
he lands in the pilots seat of the greatest firework of modern times "concorde" he picks up the microphone and says to the passengers
"if you've got any sense, you'll follow me." With that, he dives out of the door noticing, on his way out, that the woman in row 7a was
on fire. The other passenegers proceded to
piss on her to put her out, cept they had a robot on the plane, who's piss was petrol! The woman suddenly
called the robot a bastard, and died. The rest of the passengers then proceeded to
fondle the burnt crisp flesh of the dead woman until
someone pointed out how disgusting that idea was. All the aircraft passengers immediately shuffled away looking guilty.

 

[TdC]

They stood in a line along the aile, heads hung, completely forgetting that the plane was plumetting to its doom. Thankfully however, a passing Air France concorde flew underneath their plane at this point, the heat given off from the AF planes own fire(s) being enough to lift the plane back up. OF course
someone pointed out how disgusting that idea was. All the aircraft passengers immediately shuffled away looking guilty. They stood in a line along the aile, heads hung, completely forgetting that the plane was plumetting to its doom. Thankfully however, a passing Air France concorde flew underneath their plane at this point, the heat given off from the AF planes own fire(s) being enough to lift the plane back up. OF course it still fell and exploded, killing all on board, but they lived an extra few seconds anyway. The plane landed on the boy scouts, who were also killed. This caused thier mothers (all of whom happened to belong to the WI) to
cry and scream at the loss of there wonderfull sons and berate god for what he had done to them on this cold and unjustfull night, all of this horror and it coming just after all of the mothers had just
returned from a protest march in Portsmouth. Still, their children would be safe now because their fathers would never again be able to
smoke infront of them. The mothers felt that smoking was so disgusting and vile that it made them want to
take all their clothes off in public and offer their bodies to anyone and everyone, to do with as they wish. This normally involved
lots of hot steamy sex sessions mostly with quake 2 clan players cos as everybody knows q2 players make the best shaggers unlike them small dicked UT players and worse of all them no stamina quake 3 players,also involved in these steamy sex sessions
was Barney the dinosaur, who is actually renouned for his
tail action, always a hit with the ladies, and some of the chaps too. Unfortunately for Barney no-one liked the colour of his skin and he was repeatedly
repeatedy racially abused by the chubby white dinosaur in the tight fitting T-shirt. Repeated dino-government measures to cut this out failed abismally, so in the end they just
rounded all dinosaurs up regardless of color and put them on cargo ships and sent them all to a small and as yet undiscovered island in the bermuda triangle where
stange things happen. So strange, that all who have tried to find otu what happened to the well governed dinos have either been sucked to their doom, or worse, dragged in as extras in flinstones movies. To avoid similar tourture, the dinosaurs
went to find -pakman- who started all this and then in there hour of need deserted them completely and left them to struggle onwards in a vain hope that -pakman- may one day return and lead tham all to
the canteen where they could all have a grease burger and have a fag. Tuth be told, most of the dinosaurs were far mor intresting in having a
Chat with that Lord Attenborough blokey for attempting to kill them off in that film what I can't quite remember was called
jurassic pork, a porn film starring famous OAPs such as
the Queen Mother who use to get the Corgis to
act as her spare colostomy bags
while the original bag was being licked clean by a servant who
wearing nothing but a
sporan carved out of wood in the shape of a giant breast
thinking... "Why da fuck should I clean this crap?"
"No need" called a disemboded voice from the fimament, Could it be? No surely not - yet it was! It was Harry, who now out of breath had run all the way from the first post to tidy the whole stinking mess up. While harry was doing this the servent decided to wander out of the palace and saw
the Queen Mother in a gangbang with
a field of sheep and 3 cows, and while she was getting off of a cows nipple, she slipped on a cow pat and landed face down on a
on a 100,000 kg land mine, that the aliens had put there to stop
the miners, who were all out of jobs and as a result spent all day roaming the countrysides of britain for
pennies they were that skint. Arthur Scargil, the man who led the miners into this pit (hehe) of despair, was known to frequent the local
brothel, where the size of his extraordinarily large nose was always a hit with the working girls, quite often they would ask him to do his party piece that involved
firing pingpong balls from him ass and catching them on the end of his dick, half way through the routine came a blinding puff of purple smoke. there was silence and as the smoke cleared everone was amazed to see
Kryten, who you may remember from such message board posts as 'm00' and 'stu likes it hot'. Once he'd stopped coughing and the toxic purple fumes had cleared he
pointed at Arthur and shouted "Cut that stupid comb-over off, it makes you look like a twat!" Kryten then
announce that "it's an off duty czechoslovakian policeman". The silence that followed was so undescribable. Only the coimpletementary TV laughter broke it all. Kryten looked around, wondering what the hell was so funny about him, only to find that
he was wearing nothing but a novelty condom. Stood up stark bollock naked and in front of an audience of 4 or so million tv viewers, who had turned over from their daily viewing of
big brother, as everyone wants to see a flash of anna's **** when she's having a piss, however this never happened because
she was from Mars, and Martians pissed through their
eyesockets, whilst pointing out the tragic attempts to out do the moo thread with this insignificant little collection of drivel, and there was much rejoicing
when the spaceship landed to take the martians to earth, so they could perform experimental crossbreeding with the earthlings. However, when they arrived, they were shocked to see
anna's **** whilst she is taking a piss
which was nice, tho a bit of a turn up really. They are 3 episodes behind on Mars - and everyone was convinced it would be Mel's **** they saw as soon as they landed. After getting out of the spaceship they headed for
the big brother house to throw dead firecrackers into the garden to try and assasinate Craig, but
as Craig was bending over to tie his shoelaces, the first volley of missles from the spaceship shot up his
sleeve and singed his underarm hair, causing him to scream
"ach that was a warm on, hahahahaha". At which point, people began to rethink whether he really was worth keeping instead of Anna. the second volly of las-guided-nuclo-patented-whacka-whacka-boom-boom-missiles missed Craig though, and hit
loudly, which thus shattered the windows in the big brother house the competition ended and the money went too
The chickens. But there was a bit of a problem when davina came to collect them as they couldn't speak english and marjorie was upset over darren dying. So, in order for davina to interview them, a translator had to be called in, who new both English and Chickenlanguage. At first they thought this might be a problem but then they remembered the man for the job
Dr DoBuggerAll. He entered the garden and said "buk, buk, buk buk, buk, gobble" which translates to
...\/...
"lovely day for it Vicar uh hah hhahh hhahaaa".....to which the chicken spokeschicken replied
followed by "buk, buk, gobble, dobble, buk, buk, fuk, fuk" which translates roughly to
"70 grand? what the hell do we want with 70 grand? we're chickens." to which the translator replied "you could pay Nosser to give you the express treatment?". the chicken thought carefully about this, then replied "
...\/...
then in perfect English the Head Chicken casully said "Naww, fuck Nosser give us the 70 Grand my good man, and any chance of a shag from the delectable Davina?" Hearing this Davina turned round and
said: "oh hell yes!. I've not had any for ages now. Not since craig started trying to get the nits out of my
dog's arse; It has been so hectic in my household I haven't had the chance. But now, seeing as this is the 200'th reply to this thread, it would be a fine celebration. However, I'd much rather be
an oscar meyer weiner
performing back-flips for quarters while sucking like a newborn on the appendage of
my mum
as she rides her conbine harvester down to
my house
/continuity problem?/
3954 degrees and burning down the house, creating lots of joy among
The sheep on viruz's farm. They were all screaming "WERE FREEEEEEE away from viruzs mum and her arm going up our arses and her
silly little son who insists on us tucking our back legs into his wellies and shaggin us near a cliff top "Makes ya push dont it bitch" he says, welll were Freee BAAAA" and they all legged it to the
pub, where
i /ViRuZ/ was having a pint
of
Marc Almonds favourite drink, which caused everyone else in the pub to gag and retch. The rush for the door was intense. Outside
was worse than inside. The stampede of people rushed out and saw a full sized gorilla stradling the face of
bigfoot
the fabled half man / half big bear type thing looked on, trying to make out who it was enjoying having their face filled with gorilla genitalia. The gorilla allowed it's willing victim to take a breath and lifted it's bulk off the face of
the half man half donkey... bigfoot
who lifted his/its head, face covered in Gorilla juice, and said
"dont you know who I am!?, you act like they mean the real Bigfoot!". At which point, the Barrysworld Bigfoot jumped up and wandered back to the pub. The REAL bigfoot however, was having a bit of a hard time. The jungle wasnt very fair on apemen without any GCSEs, and he had found himself stuck in a dead end job, rubbing
me /ViRuZ/ down
when a big rat came and gave him a slap. Then
Out of absolutely nowhere, an incredible walking, talking
goat named tony came into view and shouted
BLAIR!
hundreds of miles away Tony Blair woke up with a startled grunt, picking up the now dry tissues from last night that he had hidden under his pillow he walked through to the bathroom where
he found a package in the middle of the floor
and Cherie giving John Prescott a blow job. Ignoring Cherie, Tony picked up the package and opened it. Inside
was not the penis extension kit cherie had order for him, but a
large floppy dildo. Cherie, noticing the dildo
picked it up and ran round to buckingham palace and shoved it strait up one of the corgys arses just as
i /ViRuZ/ went to bed (however everyone ignored this- the slightly more interesting event was ...)
The corgy had just leaped right up the queens arse and she had finally got some life into that boring old codger face and she
wished she was going to bed like ViRuZ, unfortunately she was
being prepared for a hot night of sex with
frankie dettori during a repeat of his never mind the buzzcocks appearance. While mark lamarr was cuffing himself off at frankie on the show
and tell assignment that he was set about "gambling." Frankie failed his assignment because
the storyline had gone silly and far too sexbased. So in walks huggy bear, he's wearing this big fuckoff fur coat and snakeskin shoes, out of nowhere jumped a treehugging hippy, "Fur is murder....man!" Cried the hippy, "booka" went huggys gat as he popped a cap is this scruffy fucks ass. huggy without breaking stride turned around just in time to see
a monkey with a gigantic pumpkin growing from its arse, which is always a nice thing to see, huggy smiled and not taking his eyes of the monkey's arse walked straight into a
nose the size of a concorde, it belonged to no other than DBs, after various "you are a ****" insults from Mr Barrysworld. Huggy proceeded to walk over to the pumpkin arsed monkey
When suddenly a giant wilderbeast came and knocked him down and then he was trampled by
a marauding flock of budgies that had been scared into stampede mode by ViRuZ, who had
started snoring. Deep inside, he was dreaming about
the naked picture of
his mum, that he had found in the staff room at school. He just couldn't get the image out of his mind (or his grubby little hand for that matter), constantly mulling over the way she had posed with her legs
around the worlds biggest
motorbike made by
my /ViRuZ/ dad?
and several more of his pimp daddies. He stopped building the motorbike when
Davina let him out of the big brother house
to release an extremely shit song, much like the bald bird which
gave shit on the Queen Mother's head. She screamed, "WHO THA FUCK
LET THOSE FUCKIN CORGIES IN HERE?" .... seeing this the Queen Mums First Lady in waiting stopped her bowing and fawning for a second to
have a quick fingering session with
the teletubbies! Queen Mums had a blast with the gay purple one. It was by then, that Prince-fag-Charles entered the room and yelled
mummy, ive met a rather nice chap, his name is Stuart, the only thing with him is that
his straight
cud u see to it that it's legal for a prince to rape a man called stuart on wednesdays about 6
asked the prince, fiddling in his pockets looking for the vasoline he put there after his encounter with boy george
charles looked over the balcony and saw
/continuity problem/
it was by then that he remember "phuck.. i left the vasoline in Elton John's joint!". The prince ran to
the bog, to
Press the button that says "Oh look the public school boys have made this story about gay sex YET AGAIN", Whist he was there he opened his cabinet from the jar stamped "Charlies Charlie" he took a spoonful of white powder. He
throw it over his shoulder because he thought it was salt
and really he was looking for something a little less savory. The flying powder went straight up the schnozzer of a passing corgi which
stood up and started talking to the tourists. The tourists all started taking pictures and pointing their video cameras at it. That night the Corgi appeared on Japanese TV news, walking and talking with it's eyes spinning in their sockets. The Japanese announcer said afterwoods
"stai toh mi goldakjh lahgu ghlaa lahjhyfdjd", which translated to english means "
and thus concludes the evening news, goodnight." After the announcer walked off, a man came upto him and
asked him for a game of roshambo, after a quick run thru the rules, the man kicked the announcer SQUARE in the NUTZ and picked up his prize of
a brand spanking new monkey. He spanked his monkey often did Charlie. HIs partner Camilla, although frighteningly ugly
had forced her thumbs into the toaster, where they
were quickly burned by the pop tarts that were slowly warming up in the toaster in question. She quickly removed her ugly fingers and
in a moment of madness, simply pushed them back in again. After a while
she was so fuckin burned that the skin fell off reveling her true identity! She assumed what she is! An alien from planet "pu dekcuf".... Charlie, known to be a queer, starting running to his mum's skirt screaming
"Gimme my skirt back Mum. You were more fun before the operation when you were my dad, if off to tell on you". With that she went off to find
a pub cos all she wanted was to get fucking hammered, which is quite normal for a
bird called Ima Nailhead. Ima was very thin and wore low profile hats with very wide rims. She opened the door and stepped out onto a sleeping.
<nakkeh> Bigfoot
who ate her whole, giving him terrible indigestion so he went to the hospital where he met
a huge mars bar with a side portion of
potato salad
and purple beans. He promptly took out his pet rabbi and
gave it a good firm shafting followed by
confessing that this particular shafting was of low quality and he should go get some shafting advise from
a homosexual moose
which was especially talented in shafting among other things, such as croquet and being a moose, when the moose had finished bigfoot went off to
eat Bill Clinton. But sadly, Bill got stuck in Bigfoot's throat
who then began to offer Barrysworld a large pay off if he could be removed from bigfoots mouth. Barrysworld said
"our new dialup is almost up and running"
so please help us by torturing the staff into action. May I suggest that we all get hold of a Tezla coil each and
eat them. Then fire lightning out our asses like
Dave from the office did at last year's christmas party. This made everyone laugh, because he didn't have any
idea what he was doing, and burnt up all the work for the year that was to be delivered the next day. This got Dave
merciless tortured by the bosses that be, the techniques used were
various and suitably unpleasant..the worse however was sending him on a German Package Holiday to a small, isolated Island, needless to say, Dave come home a
a small fig tree. He liked to stand in the sun and
eat the figs from his branches, this caused incredible pain but those figs tasted as nice as
licking the fluff from Jennifer Lopez's belly button
scar. The scar came from her being attacked by a
stray cat who mistakenly thought it was a
Shopping trolley you see the cat had very bad eyesight since
he got smacked by the moose's fart, due to his
*entertainment* - this involved shuffing your kitty cat nose right up a moose's rectum and seeing whether the smell was nice or not, the smell was rarely nice but on one ocasion with its nose up a moose's arse this kitty found a
smal miniture luxury mansion. The kitty was intrigued by this, so couldn't help creeping up to the tiny front gate and taking looking inside. But, unfortunately this house turned out to be the stately home of
Bob Monkhouse. He liked to
steal the milking tits off of cats and boil them in custard ready for
his homemade Prozac. This was the only way he could
keep his hair from falling out. He had to rub it in every night before bed. Soon he found a remarkable side effect, after rubbing the stuff into his hair he found enormous growth in his
piles. His 'grapes of wrath' were now the size of a rugby ball. While modelling with Will Carling a
cow ate the both, this was an all new experience for Will Carling who had many a time been in awkward situations, but never inside a cow, after a while the cow farted and
exploaded, sending small chunks of semi-charred meat up into the atmosphere. Europe then launched their nuclear arsenal at England claiming that the chunks of cow meat were BSE-infested, but luckily Mr Blobbie appeared in time to cushion the impact, and as a celebration went down on Noel who was at the same time performing cunillingus on
Dame Barbara Cartland, who didn't mind at all despite the fact that she is dead. Suddenly, Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in a blinding flash of light and said "Sarah Connor?", to which Noel, like a twat, said "yes?" and so had his head blown off. Arnie then
proceeded to kick two tons of shit out of Noel for the dreadful cardigans he wore and for giving the world Mr Blobby, Arnie calmed down and
pumped some rounds into everyone else. The Uzi fell to the floor, apparently empty and drained, smoke wafting from the muzzle. As the Uzi hit the ground the last round fired off and bounced (can't spell richo...) off an iron gutter and flew down the street towards a woman who seemed to be touching her toes. The bullet entered her
anus. Fortunally, the speed of the bullet was way too slow, causing just a slight tickle in her bungholE!. That's when the granny thought "I haven't felt nothing like this in ages... since my school days when
you could go out with a shilling and buy a house, have a slap up dinner, go to Blackpool for a weekend and still have enough change for a newspaper and a packet of fags. However, she was an old biddy and was mumbling all this whilst crossing the round and so was squashed by a passing tank which was driven by
an alien in a shape of a potato, that was headed to buckingham palace to take over
the corgi's kennels. The aliens WERE only 2cm tall, and to thim, this was luxury. This was fine and dandy till
Bob Monkhouse arrived on the scence, declaring that
it was bedtime

 

[TdC]

but Zebbadee was having none of it. " I've too much to do to go to sleep now!" He shouted to the other Magic Roundabout characters, " '''k off and leave me alone". He flicked a dirty look at the small hairy hampster like creature called
Fart Simpson, son of
Papa Simpson. Farther of a farting child, husband to a farting woman, son of a farting
cow! that incedentally made a smart noise that sounded like 'sh00' but mostly sounded like
Boo. This cow loved frightening people. Especially people who worked for
the same people that [20FTS]Luap works for , and they all stay up until silly o'clock in the morning when they have work in a few hours, typing nonsensical bollox into this story like the rest of us. However they also realise the comedy potential of this story, but sadly Staz hasn't and so wrote something that has nothing to do with the story and so was shot (bang!). It was the gunman on the grassy knoll, who turned out to be
the guy who shot JFK, as the sound of gun fire echo'ed round the knoll, the assasin type bloke ran for his life to catch the nearby bus but missed it and had to wait half hr for another FUCKING BUS CAUSE THEY NEVER TURN UP ON TIME AND MAKE YOU LATE FOR EVERYTHING THEN TWO COME AT THE SAME TIME ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WANT TO GET TO
bed. It was way past his beddybize(?) time and Auntie Buffy will be worried. The bus arrived, collected him and drove off. Just as he sat down the driver switched on the PA mic and said "Oh sorry people I nearly forgot, there's a bomb on this bus and if I go any slower than 50mph it's going to
get launched directly at that fucking slow bitch in front of us, so we can go faster Unfortunately, The bus went below 50mph and the bomb blew up the car in front, and this car happened to belong to
Paul Daniels, and so nobody cared. As the car exploded, a nearby petrol station DIDN'T explode and was perfectly safe due to a badly timed "there was no petrol in the filling station for it to explode" gag, which would have been funny about a fortnight ago. Bemused, the bus driver said
"Paul, if your such a good magician, why cant you pull a better Wig out of your hat?" to which Paul Daniels said nothing, because he was dead. He did however turn to to Debbie McGee to give her one last
trick. He pulled a giant penis out of his trousers. To which Debbie said "Wow! that IS magic, coz it was nothing like that before." This also mistified the Coroner who was also wondering what had happened. Then he discovered that
he had a son, named Bigfoot
who was the Labour candidate for Norwich at the last election but lost miserably because
it had rained fish and nobody turned up. Anyhoo, cos it had fishy rain an whatall, chipshops all over the country cut their prices therefor a large portion of the populus became
fed up with chips. The cheap chips meant that fried fish were more popular and the sport of Slapping people around with a wealy wealy large twout was to become an Olympic event. The gold medal goes to the first person that
actually managed to get the record breaking 5,5 ft brown trout inserted into the
parking meter outside McDonalds in Piccadilly. McDonalds, famous for the line "throw it down the toilet and cut out the middle man" were in Court that day, defending a charge of
illegally selling troutish hamburgers under the name 'McTrout Deluxe'(c) because the name had already been patented, copyrighted and otherwise locked down by the
Microsoft corporation. "We defend our reputation of being crap, would u like Windows to work properly for a change?" said a Microsoft spokesblokeperson, and so we all went home. Meanwhile Staz had been out DJ'ing at a mates party and was totally kay-lied when he wrote this post, to which everyone replied
coo did ya have a good time m8? Then the tired Staz replied:"
"hell yeah, the entire female population of the Grammer school upper sixth form was there. Draw your own conclusions I got sloshed in a room full of gorgeous women. BOOYAKASHA". Staz stopped typing and thought "bugger, I'm at work in half an hour and I feel like pants" and so threw a line in that had a remote connection to the story. McDonalds were found guilty and ordered to serve decent food for a change, but couldn't and so were turned into a chain of stores that do shoe repairs and key cutting. Back at the Microshaft..sorry, Microsoft HQ
our good pal BillG, ceo of the evil empire that only ruled cos it had the bestist marketing department in the world, was getting a blowjob from his fave pe0n called
Embattle, who was wearing
his oldest black pvc truss that smelled like
something that could have only come from the oversized rectum of an olympic sumo-wrestler who just happened to be
Vanessa Feltz, who suffered a relapse and had eaten all the pies. She won gold at the Sydney Olympics for being crap, but realised that
She would have been better off without the medal, as it was actually made of crap. And it stank worse than her armpits, so she took it off, and hurled it at the nearest passer-by, who happened to be a middle aged man on the way to
Bletchley to take part in a Dark Ages pagent. Also involved in this breath-taking event were two blokes from Leeds and a large turnip shaped almost exactly like the tip of
The eiffel Tower. Unfortunately, they never made it to Bletchley, due to
excruciating gastric pain caused by eating the turnip shaped like the tip of the eiffel tower after roasting it slowly on a red hot 12x plextor burner. The intense pain felt by our heros slowly translated itself into incredible flatulence that clapped and echo'd from the nearby hills. These strange sounds attracted the attention of
migrating whales in the North Atlantic. Whales are randy bastards and thought it was a mating call, but on route to hump whatever was making the noise they were quickly slaughtered by a Japanese "scientific research" vessel. The Japanese
were actually out hunting for the Giant Iguana Squid. Appaently the squid
could do a great impression of bob hoskins in the BT ad's, the whale was caught and sold to the tv company who
had roast whale for sunday lunch, which was a change from the normal
routine because it was saturday. Halfway through the meal though the whale which was being eaten became very angry, turned and said "OY!!! BASTARDS, NOOOOO!!!!" the half eaten whale then executed a perfect double backflip, roundhouse kicked the people in the face, and escaped on a motorbike to go live in
The BBC TV center and become a star. Rolf Harris appeared on the set, pointed at the whale and said "
g'day. On today's show I'll be making silly noises and pretending to know what I'm talking about. With that he began drawing a picture that resembled the whale then asked. "Can you tell what it is yet? to which a cameraman replied
'ang on, I forgot to turn the camera on. There, done it, sorry cobber, start again". Rolf smacked him in the jaw. "Pommy bastard". The camera man stood up and nursed his busted jaw. Rolf smiled at the camera and said "
Let's take a look at what that red haired minx Shauna's been up to." The camera cuts to Shauna who flicks her hair about and says
My name is Michael Caine" at which point most of the crew threw up as they had all been sleeping with her/him/it. In the corner
a pile of refuse looked out into the room and thought it's own unimaginable thoughts. A cleaner, coming in to tidy up a bit, looked round the room and saw Rolf, something that bore a vague resemblance to Michael Caine, several puddles of vomit and a pile of rubbish that looked remarkably intelligent. Fazed by the latter the man looked down at his trusty mop that once had been clean, fluffy and white and thought
AISHA!!! I'M VIBRATING!!!!
but he wasn't. He only _thought_ he was. Or maybe he imagined he thought he was vibrating. Or perhaps he realy wasn't vibrating at all but that the room was shaking. Or it could be that he really was vibrating because the room was shaking and he was in it. Actually it's quite posible he wasn't in the room to begin with. What if we all just thought he was there but he really was somewhere else? What if we thought he was there but _we_ were shaking. Would that make HIM vibrate? What if my fingers were shaking from my usuall coffee dose while I was typing this and YOU were all vibrating?? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!! Anyway the young apprentice raised his arms to the heavens and cried :"
To infinity and beyond." At which point
he stepped forward and reached the edge of infinity. He peered over the edge and saw that beyond infinity was
a rather comfortable looking chair. Rather nervously he walked around the large chair thinking
"hmmm does it vibrate?" He leapt onto the chair to discover
it didn't, but an object next to the chair did! This object was a
rather suprised looking turnip which said "hello", but in turnip language, which nobody can understand, so we all thought it said
"why are you sticking your nob in my ear". The apprentice looked at the turnip and decided that it was just "confused". He picked up the turnip and kicked it into the air and walked on his merry way, past the oompa lumpa village until he came to
Mr Wonkas Chocolate factory where some Oompa Loompas were using kangaroos for spare parts, they were singing the Panda song which goes like this "
I'm a Panda on smack, I'm on mucho crack, princess fergie's **** is slack and I eat hamsters every daaaaaaay
Fergies ex slapped her around the face with a large twout. He looked down at one of his mummies footmen at his feet and suggested that while he was down there he could
clean the cheese off his helmet. He went to the shed and got his helmet then all of a sudden
a turnip mysteriously fell from the sky into the courtyard and rolled to a halt near the center. As the apprentice stooped to get the turnip he clearly heard:" 'ere, yous that smarmy git who stuck his nob in me earhole! bastard!" Not realising the sound came from the vegetable, he turned to the prince and said :"
i'm not a dentist but i chew
like this". He took his false teeth out and held them in his hand, squeezing them together, pretending to bite off a something and chewin it. A flash of lightning hit the teeth and they became sentient. At once they jumped out of his hand and went straight for his
righthand rear trowsers pocket. A telltale bulge told the world that something rather large had been stuffed down there. The teeth promptly
jumped out of his pocket because the last time they went near a bulge that size, they were arrested for lewd conduct. The teeth grinned at their lucky escape from the bulge, which was
me jacking off
for 13th time in succession. meanwhile back at the ranch John Wayne was teaching President Kennedy how to play scrabble. after a grooling induction they started a match which lasted the best part of 3 days, Kenndy was owning John bigtime which really pissed off john coz he was scrabble champion for 5 years running and now he was about to beaten by a beginner. Just as kennedy put down his killer word, PENIS which got him 100 points and put the match beyond Johns reach, John pulled out a McFlury spoon and
put it down on the floor. He then pulled out his toothbrush, and put that on the floor. Then, he reached into his pants, and pulled out his great big whopper of a cock, and slapped it in kennedy's face *SLAP SLAP SLAP*... Kennedy had enough of it, and decided to pull his whopper out to, and they had a little duel, and it took them all the way to Hull, East Yorkshire, England (Where i live) and then, they noticed something, they stopped right there in the middle of the road, turned around, and their jaws just dropped (tears ran down their cheeks, piss rolled down their legs) and in front of them was
the apprentice AND the turnip, who promptly said:"
I'm not a dentist, and I never will be, so go fuck off and find another. This upset Kennedy even more, and there was a general feeling of deppression in the air, until a monkey arrived, the monkey then said: "Don't worry, I know someone who specialises in giving psycological help for men with stupidly long cocks. You'll find him at no. 20 down the 3rd road on the right, in a small branch of
Zak The Mad Chemist's. 'ol Mad Zak will prolly have a little something for your extreme size prob there m8, said the monkey. Feeling slightly attracted to the monkey, Kennedy developed an exection draining the blood from his upper body. Noticing the paleness of K. the apprentice shouted:"Oh Gawd, he's turned into a zombie!" and
pulled his brain out through his ear to check for nibble marks. There weren't any. Pushing his brain back in he noticed
a singularity had appeared inside Kennedy's head. Dropping the brain and stepping into K's head through the earhole the Apprentice [decided to actually name him 'apprentice' sted of bothering to try to come up wiv somthing more imaginative] viewed the hole in spacetime with some apprehension before jumping into the singularity. After falling out of Kennedy's head the Apprentice looked around. "Nothing's changed" he muttered to himself. Just then
a family of designer radiators walked past and said
"Oogerpur dowairt gongledong waddurdoop?" Shocked, the Apprentice slowly climbed to his feet. "Oogerpur dowairt gongledong waddurdoop huwdung tepunnog durronnog?" the large designer radiator spoke. "ummmm...I'm the Apprentice" said the Apprentice. "Ahhhh! pleased ta meetcha m8!" said the largest radiator. "Why didn't you say you could speak english straight away then you silly bugger?". Our hero shrugged and
His shoulders fell off. "Stupid Leprosy" he mumbled. The radiators thought we swore and aimed their valves at him and sprayed him with
a shimmering liquid. Instantly the Apprentice started to melt. There was no pain, but the sensation was horrible. The Apprentice fell to his knees as parts of him dripped off onto the hard earthen floor of the courtyard he was standing in. "Guuuufffthhh.." he burbled. Suddenly his mind shot out of the top of his head and floated above him. Looking down he could see the courtyard, a turnip, a man lying on the ground next to his brain, four designer radiators and a large multi-colored puddle. As he watched the puddle soaked into the ground. Then everything around him crystalized and shattered into a million fragments. The Apprentice woke and sat up in the chair he had been sleeping in. He
had a damp tissue in his hand and his trousers down. He must of been
having a fight with a hose which got stuck in his pocket following blowing his nose
and scratching his arse
passing the time while the blonde did the colonic irrigation. At the final flush she noticed the drain on the floor was blocked. Clogged up with
what looked like a rather large turnip. Now where that had come from she couldn't tell. Bending down to look
her skirt started to rise up, leaving her majestic butt uncovered. Across the room
the Apprentice sat. His eyes closed as he looked at firery letters burning in his mind. He did not understand the letters, nor did he know from where they came. He only knew they were powerfull enough to tear his eyes from the site before him. Somehow his view of the blond's backside had triggered the words he could now see even with eyes open. Filled with new resolve, the Apprentice stood, pulling his levi's up in the process. Feeling a strange compulsion to write down the letters he strode to the blonds handbag and tipped it out onto a table placed handily close by. The contents of the bag spilled out over the table:
lipstick, a mirror, a 4" ribbed knobbler and a packet of fags. Seems pretty normal he thought, until
he realized there was one vital component missing from the list. It was
missing so he didn't know what it should have been.
Then he noticed something that was there but had no business being there. He stood back, jaw wide open, eyes wide. "OMG! WTF is that? FFS wtf is she going to do with that? IMHO thats so OTT. I think, tbh, that she must really be a
COW! And all of a sudden she went mooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOOooOOOOo00000000000000()()()()ooOoOoOoOOOooo and did a big shit on the head of
the Apprentice's dog who had walked in to see what the comotion was. Seeing his doggy buried under a huge pile of cowsh*t caused the Apprentice to see red. Unfortunatly the cow saw it too, became immencely p*ssed off, and started to chase our boyround the house. Thinking desperately, the Apprentice
had beef for dinner following
2 helpings of ambrosia cream rice. After he had eaten it he realised it was poisoned and unless he found the cure in 20 seconds he would die horribly
But suddenly the devil came up through the ground and said if he swapped
the Blond's handbag, the cow leftovers and the Turnip That Could Talk (tm) he'd suck out the poison through a straw inserted into the Apprentices left testical. Grinning evilly [like only he could] Beelzibub knew he had the Apprentice up against the wall. No blue blooded Hero would let the Dark One mess wiv his nutsack he thought. Sweating terribly the Apprentice said:"
"you have got to be shitting me! There is no way you are coming near my bollocks with a farking straw". To which the fallen angel Lucifer replied
ya only got 15 seconds left fool! Laughing a horrible laugh the prince of lies watched the Apprentice squirm. Meanwhile thoughts were shooting through the Apprentice's mind. "Well..." he thought
maybe letting the devil fiddle with his sacks isnt such a bad thing. Infact ive always wanted to experince the delights of sack fideling with another man. He agreed with the devil, got the poison sucked out and decided to make a carreer change to rent boy, or did he
wake up in his chair again with a shocking hangover feeling terrible. Forced into an upright sitting position by the disgusting smell wafting from his open mouth into his nostrils the Apprentice looked around slowly. The first thing he noticed was the sunlight shining obliquely into the room. "Dust in the air..." he thought. His headache started to clear slowly but he didn't feel any better. Coming to a full-upright position caused a three-quarters empty bottle of smack to roll off his lap onto the floor. Looking at the coffee table next to the chair he saw a packet of fags near an overflowing ashtray. Coaxing out a cigarette he lit up causing somke to spiral in the sunlight. Squinting, the Apprentice rubbed a hand across his forehead. Just then there was a soft knock at the door. "Come" said the Apprentice
and the guy at the door promptly did coz he was suffering from premature ejaculation. After getting some Kleenex the man ventured into the room
ah, mr Mental Vicar with blob bit i presume
you must be friends with that fellow 'Testin-da-cable'. "Is it me or does he look like he's going for his first novel? Must have toooooo much time on his hands". "Talking off hands, what's that in your hand"?
"What this, O nothing, just my anal beads, wanna try them"?
Um, no thanks. Thats not really my scene, but I'd much prefer to try that thing in your other hand
"yes, that handkerchief, ta m8". The Apprentice blew his nose messily. "You see, I've been home poorly all week wiv da flu. "Really?" said his visitor "well I'm sorry to hear that." Suddenly our hero paused. He couldn't tell the Mental Vicar about his adventures could he? A man of god would surely be shocked, 'specially if he was to tell him the bit when satan fiddled wiv his balls. The Mental Vicar looked dissaprovingly round the room. "Son" he said, "you really should

 

[TdC]

bash the old bishop more frequently. It has been said that
it will give you bionic strength in your arm but you will end up blind. "I don't want to be blind" said the apprentice. "my friend was blind and he
couldn't hear a thing either. He was a great bloke to be with at the firing range. Most entertaining. You know, he once loaded a shotgun with sage and onion turkey stuffing and shot the lot at
"So what?" interrupted the vicar. "You're not going to tell me that you've never done silly sh*t like that or unintentionally ignored someone before are you?" "Err, no." said the Apprentice. "Well then what is your problem? Gawd your're not very bright are you?" "Look Father..." "Don't ou Father ME pe0n!" cried the Mental Vicar "YES or NO?" "Well, I guess..." said the Apprentice. The vicar took pity on the visably confused Apprentice. "Look son," he said "when you're dead, will you be able to see?" "No vicar, of course not" our hero replied. "Would it have mattered if you had been blind then?". "No vicar." "Well then you have my permission to jack off as much as you want. And if someone tries to stop you tell 'em to come see me my son" said the vicar. "And remember, our father shall smile apon you, for you will have labored in his visage. Now I'm off down tha pub. No more questions today." "Thank you Father" said the Apprentice. "Good bye and
have a slap for your you calling me out this late, the vicar right hooks him and takes off. "My god, what
was in that curry?!?", as he lets off another fuck off smelly gas emission, "must have been
a load of old dog shite, stale fish and two tins of curry poweder. When I nest see that chef I'm gonna
lick him like a dog because
despite him being a 6 ft 9 meat head, I am a martial arts specialist Capable of crushing 200 small hedgehogs in a single arse slam. At that moment a terrible thought came to his mind so terrible and terrifying that he could hardly bring himself to visualise its true awfulness. He fell down the floor and screamed "why Lucifer, whyyyy!!, why does the dark angel, the betrayer of God, the sinner or sins, put these thoughts into my mind" but as the true purity, the perfection of the evil entered him, consuming his very being, he couldn.t help but laugh at the humanity he had, in that second of inspiration doomed.
He stopped dead in his thought tracks. "Why am I still playing Doom? It's so old and yet still gives me nightmares. I should be playing me m8s online".
His collection of online games thrashed through his head. "I think I'll have a game of.
fluffy bunnies collecting fruit coz the censorship laws banned all other games. Then he thought, "hang on a minute, this is bollox" and reached for his illegal copy of
Bubble Bobble, the death of the baddies in bubbles was too overwhelming that it recieved an 18 certificate in germany. After a bout of bubble bobble
Grand Theft Auto 2, VROOM VROOM, now ist time for some
adverts!!! "hand to hand 'click click', hand to feet 'click click' I am your click click doll 'click click'
blinking at his monitor he wondered
"why are my trousers round my ankles, and why are all these people staring at me??"
And worst of all, who the heck went and
transformed me into a 3:10 scale replica of a pair of pants (worn and soiled)". But that wasnt the worst of it
for then cenobite came along and exposed his wide backside for all to see and shouted out loud
Yo WAZZUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
so loud that it shattered all the windows across the North Sea in Planetarion HQ, wherupon Vish and Spinner proclaimed
i havnt bothered reading that thread about our happy fortunes on that barrysworld message board so i dont know who anyone is
which everyone knew anyway, 'cos Splish and Vinner spend all their time "tweaking" their "game", unaware that their players spend 95% of their waking day organising alliances and fleet movements, making the game unplayable to the casual gamer
who should'nt be having fun filling in pages and pages of forms that vaguely resemble some sort of game
anyway cos they're all
goats
who dearly wish that http://www.goatse.cx realy WAS goat sex. For one day Utumno was looking at said url and in walked his mummy
who mistook the picture for Rod Hull and Emu
which was fine, but Utumno shouted out to the whole world (including BW members) "DONT GO TO THAT F**KING SITE!!! IT WILL SCAR YOU FOR LIFE!!! I dont know why that nasty man Horus^ decided to tell me about that damned site, now I feel suicidal!" With that, he went on to commit suicide in a very unusual and ironic way
but before he did, he sicked up most of his dinner and all of his lunch. Not feeling any better he
thought he would have a little
fun by playing this really really sad game on that new thingy called the internet. His style was to instantly explode after spawning, then react badly to anyone who said "gawd m8 you suck". So, whipping out his trusty cd of
large calibre military gunfire classic sound samples. He put it in his Walkman and ramped up the volume. The pounding in his ears fired his adrenaline. "Arrrrrgh" he screamed and ripped off his shirt to reveal
a pair of small but perfectly formed breasts. Rather suprised, he
stood in front of a mirror and said to himself "I'm getting horny now, think i'm gonna spank these babies". He started to get excited, because he has thinking about having sex with Elton John and singing
"10 Green Bottles" at the top of his lungs. Suddenly taking the law into his own hands he shoved both of them down his trowsers front only to discover that
a four year old money called Graham had been living there for eight months. Somewhat surprised and excited by this he decided to
take the specimen down to the local biological museum. The workers looked at it for a minute, and finally came to the conclusion that
it was infact some mutated form of mange that he had caught off of Perplex
and evolved into a large green swamp being that fed on AOL CD roms, discarded from the masses.
The by-product of these CD roms were small rays of laser light that emmited from the mutants arse and caused the mutant to
leave a trail of carbonized sh*t everywhere it had stood still for more than a minute. None the less the mutant was seen often in public in the company of rather nice looking ladies. A reason was speculated on, but because of
legal reasons, specifically the threat of court action from one of the ladies (a Ms. Haliwell), the mutant was immune to any form of prosecution. Drunk on the power of freedom from the law, the mutant
Went rapantly out of control and tore havoc accross the world. The whole Japan lay in ruin, it had fed off their l33t technology. It jumped the pacific to America, where it attempted to do the same - only to eat a computer using windows. This caused him too
spontainiosly reboot several times. Severly shaken, the mutant discovered he had become part machine [more or less of Akira fame dudes ] and eating a pc wiv M$ code in it had badly compromised his enviroment. Quivering, he core-dumped franticly as multiple abends almost melted one of his processor arrays. Finally he managed to drop into single user mode. Smoking slightly, he switched to the affected LPAR and executed an EMP dump and the shock of the ram disk dropping brought him to his knees. "Gawd", he gasped, "thid Misrosh*t realdy suckeht aRse!#%" Blinking at the merciless green terminal screen on the inside of his eyeball he pressed 'ctrl-]' and hoped for the best as his utilization shot up to 100%. Gasping he
decided to have a wank with his last ounce of strength, after completing his application into bishopville the monkey dropped dead and his guardian angel came from above and sat down next to the wankered, dead, flea bitten monkey. The angel began to sob uncontrollably "WHY O WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS 3R33T SPECIMEN FROM THIS EARTHLY REALM" God replied "Cause I fucking can you bint" and slapped the angel with
a large trout HE happend to have handy. "Now get up you smarmy git...", God spake, "...and
God decided he liked the violence and the pain he had inflicted, mwAHAAhaHAHAHAHAaHA. Now the world will know what horror and terror really is. He started by cracking one off over London, the whole city was covered with spunk, millions drowned in God's seamen. At that instant lucifer, seeing how much suffering God had caused saw the error of his own ways. He thought to himself "im gonna f*ck that son of a bitch up good, hes gone too damn far this time"
calling the big man up on his mobile, he challenged him to a game of
Unreal Tournament! (Unreal.. get it?) They played a quick DM game, in DM-Universe. Lucifer showed God how to be a shock whore. He toasted God's ass so hard, that God decided then to stick to a girl's game, such as... Quake. Lucifer, called the press, after this event to announce the new world order, he said
I cheated. I used the Asus transparent drivers on meh new grafics card innit." A rematch was arranged. This time they would be playing on BW servers in an online lpb game of.
fuck the chicken. after ten minutes of instruction reading that decided it was a typo and played pluck the chicken instead. they used
grappling hooks to grab lumps off the player voted as "most foul". This player was usually
foul
and going by the name of
Kryten, who had become shockingly dirty cos he had forgot to shower due to a massive alcohol-indused brain disorder after his 20th B-day par-tay festival extravaganza. Anyway God ICQ'd the bad man and said "I'll 0wn j00 in th4 rematch pe0n!!" unto the evil one countered "Phunk j00 an yer little d0g too". Then God s-ping'd the fallen angel's w98 box but lucifer countered by phunking wiv God's #139 tcpport but da Man was running Linux [sic] so nothing happend. Finally God called Satan's ISP and complained that a cracker operating under the handle "s4t4N|3VL1|" had been port-scanning from their network causing the demon of lies' account to be closed. Meanwhile, the BW mob, who had been looking forward to spectating the match 'tween God and the devil all got mightly hammered at the pre-game party and
stipped naked and watched as utumno and bigfoot had a sumo wrestling match which
flattened everything around bif's house withing a 50mile radius and Ceno and Horus, seeing that fat Bigfoot and Utumno had destroyed their homes, decided to get revenge by
playing the banjo really badly
causing them to be badly smacked by
Judy Finnigans breasts
which are quite large, and then
a giant Richard came and spanked them for looking at her brests causing
large red blotches to appear on their
inner ear
shaped buttocks. (How the feck do you follow "inner ear"!!!). Strange shape for buttocks thought the producer, still, it is UK day time TV. Ahh, here we go, an article on
richard and judy managing to play strip poker with 3naked playboy models, two chickens, 1 hen and the big show from wwf
but they really didn't. They only said they did. Total chaos followed but they didn't give a toss cos some high ranked BBC manager would take all blame anyway. They stirred up the cauldron of evilness even more by broadcasting contradictory and misleading statements like "ISDN is better than cable", "TDC is the most l33t UT player that ever was" and "32 megs of ram is all you'll ever need". Initially nobody noticed, then a small, smelly and generally unappatizing gnome called
Ronnie Corbett. He pointed out that TDC was a lame UT'r and his Windows 95a PC still only had a 14400 baud modem, 8 meg of Ram and a S3 Virge VGA card. Boris then morphed into a large, colourfull and spectacular
pair of pants
which
had shit stains all over, so they headed off to
the pub
to


get plastered in the hope that he might start speing at the normal speed again. He picked up the phone to phone his mum but due to bizarre line convergences and splits in different places theroughout the UK all he heard on the other end of the line was
"Get the fuck off my phoneline, you
elephant
prick and
remember to wash your mamma's g-spot
with a broom, because she is so
fat!. Your mama's so fat she
bent over once and cause a complete solar eclipse, which was both startling and amusing at the same time. The scientific community, however, thought otherwise. They
were not amused and commented:"We are not amused." This caused
The amusement arcades to go out of business
so everyone had to get there video kicks at home. There was this bloke, Luap, who delighted in getting the 500th post in a forum thread. Luap then ran out of inspiration and
that he got smacked by everyone who had ever posted and then
rode around on by micheal barrymoore
who had just wiped it after messing about with TDC. Luap rocket jumped out of the way before Barrymore hit the zipper, the splash damage of the RL turned Barrymore into a steaming, gibbed pile of
spicy kebab. The steaming piles wafted a distinctly kebab-like odor straight into the quivering and twitching nostrils of
a passing policeman. "Ello, ello, ello. What's all this the_ " He was cut short by the sight of a huge circling flock of
birds, which let whip a shower of shit turning his black outfit as white as snow, then a dog pissed on his leg letting
women playing with double pertruding dildo's, the strange thing was he always watched this when
his big toe exploded
taking out the other toes in a chain reaction, then the explosions started to move up his leg. First his ankle, then his knee, then his
garter, stopping only at his hardend steel kevlar lined cup that he repeatedly blessed for being standard issue to all BW story participants. Speaking of pants, he wondered
why a dog gasping for breath was called panting. Breathing hard like that is pretty cool, not at all pants. He promptly marched off to the hospital to have his exploded bits sorted out. He asked the Doctor "While I'm here, would you look at my oversized
rectal
orifice, which seems to have a small man playing the banjo inside". The doctor thought "this I have to see", and
promptly crawled in to sed oversized rectum for a hoe down with the small banjo playing man. Once inside, he exclaimed:
"my it's big in here....it's big in here....big in here...in here....here". "Not so loud!...so loud...loud" cried the banjo playing man. "Why?...ay...y" asked the doc. "Well, the banjo player softly replied, cos of the echo there's a danger of avalanche's m8." "Oh, sorry...orry" replied the doc "I didn't realize
that shit could avalanche" and as he said these words the gas building up behind the 4 day waiting chod starting to get unrestfull and finally erupted sending the doctor, the small banjo man and a chod resembling Bill Clintons nob into a wall, "i've never seen a nob like that, not in all my time visting
this 'ere elemental plane!" exclamed the Banjo Playing Man. "What," said the Doctor, "are you on about?" "You mean you've no idea where you are?" asked the Banjo Playing Man. "I hope you're not insinuating that I've crossed an interdimentional boundry just by crawling up someones bum..." "Exactly m8." said the Banjo Playing Man. "But...but then we're back again aren't we? After all we've just got blown out inta this feckin wall innit?" "Sorry m8" spoke the BPM. "It doesn't work that way. I'm afraid you're stuck here with me for a bit". The Doctor backed away from the BPM, who's skin had started to bubble. "Umm" he said "I think
your'e not really a plain down to earth Banjo Playing Man (if there are any), you an alien!" The BPM pulled back his skin and revealed his true identity as "Luap-ffs", although everyone knew he was bullshitting, as he looked just like the ugly bitch off the telly, who's real name was
long, Luap George Cloony Brad Pit Tom Cruise Einstien. Luap was in fact all these famous people, rolled into one. The ffs bit was because Luap couldn't retrieve his logon details. Luap morphed into a blue Martitian with 14 tenticles. With the largest tenticle he thumped the ground and shot off into the air aiming for the cliff edge above. He landed with a gentle thud, looked up and saw a
giant flying dildo
slamming into his
inner ear (again)
which was lucky as he had some protectection on it. Felling no pain he
said "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrghttrhrh NO PAIN grrrrrrrrrrrruuummp there is oooouuuuuuuhchchhchhchc no pain...." Cutting a less than imposing figure standing there on the cliff edge gleaming purple tentacleness from every angle he plucked weakly at the 18" double dong protuding from his [errm] inner ear. He couldn't get a grip on the 3" that still stuck out of his [errm again] skull. Finally managing, he plucked out the dong only to collapse to the ground. "Gawd," he said "that feels just like
the same feeling of annoyance that you get when people type really long replies to this thread, like the previous message. I personally think it should contain more random cheesy phrases, like
phunk you xenon2000 , or
oh man, u suck
like tdc when he's
paid a large amount of money to a bloke he's only just met in
a bar. Cos he had to cos he'd been there since 5 and the publican was starting to get a bit ticked off or
he would
go on holiday to Australia on Tuesday like Staz is doing although this has nothing to do with the thread, although I find it amusing. Anyway
bon voyage Staz
called out the mysterious female figure from across the room, who was wearing a rather provocative
seatbelt, inside her car. The seatbelt was made of lace with neat rose pattern trimming on the edge. The rest of the car followed the style of the seat belt, the bumpers were neatly finished in
neat rose pattern, with trimming on the edge, duh. So without wanting to miss an oppurtunity, Staz immeadiatley jumped in the car and said
hello mum
I thought you were dead! How did you ever survive that head on colision with the supertanker while you were water skiing?
She replied: Well, it was all down to my
extremely large drivers airbag. Tidy bit of kit, I can tell you. Staz suddenly realised that he was in an Internet cafe in Sydney and had just fragged the bollox of a load of Oz CS players on a LAN, which was nice, coz he had a ping of 10 FECKING MILLISECONDS!!! Bugger, he thought, I'll get a drink. Meanwhile
in the other part of the world, an alien, in the shape of a giant niple went on climbing the Tower Bridge. It was by then, that the superhero
"Oh shit! I've forgotten my
first three dots on this forum reply. He knew the penalty for this oversight was to be taken away to BW towers and be
anal-raped with a 20" vibrator with all the trimmings. This was gonna hurt so he
went to a shop and bought a camera to record the agony. Later he would look at these pictures and relive the experience in his mind. One thing troubled him however, what was he going to do with his
tape of the recorded action. Would he sell it? Keep it? upload it to the net? But then, a guy made a suitable offer for it. His name was
Mr Eric Morely (Deceased). "You have just the look I want for my beyond the grave Miss Zombie contest. Here, take this money, gimme that tape and come with me". Eric led him to a secluded
spot behind his
/continuity problem/
Even stnd ! 20p today EEEVENNN STNDDD
no thanks mate. He said. He had turned so fast that he made a small hole in the pavement he was standing on. He turned again and again. Soon he was deep enough to see a
good but dying thread in amongst the dinosaur bones. It was clear he was headed for
Even ' std mate ? just 20p today
at this point the apprentice wondered what the fuck was going on in his twisted little mind. Why did he think such deranged thoughts, he pondered. All of a suddem Eminem burst into the room shouting
HI! My name is WHAT? My name is WHO? My name is
queer mother fucker and I'm the biggest tosser alive, as soon as people look at him they
say: 'Oh! It's Davehart'
opps, my mistake, its actually Tug who was
dressed up as davehart

 

[Uncle Sick]

I gave up reading after one of my eyes fell into your paragraph chasms, TDC...



Oh, noes! My eyes!

 

[caLLous]

Love it tdc, it's funnier with rereading.

 

[WPKenny]

oldie and a goodie

p.s. GO TO BED!

 

[Ch3tan]

You have waaay too much time on your hands.

 

[TdC]

it's outlay follows the posts exactly as they were done. aaaaannd...my connection dropped before I could post the end ffs now *that* was frustrating :/ I'll see if I can insert a post...

 

[TdC]

the end of it all (one day late thanks to my crummy isp :/)

wearing pink frilly knickers, with yellow stains, who he had borrowed from the queen. So being the nice bloke he is he returned them, only to see
that this thread was truly dying. nn long story. Maybe next time. /me pastes it into Word and sends to Hollywood
Unfortunately, however, Word is a MS product and so crashed. This caused everything to be lost, started a fire in the neighbours back yard, a pile up on the M4 and the Earth to spin off its axis for a short while.
"Well bugger me" the Apprentice in a completely non sexual and innuendo-free-as-possible way
"There's a jet plane overhead, and he's dropping bananas! 1000's of them!"
But before he could do anything, the 1000's of bananas landed on top of Harry, who was walking nearby. Harry's mystery was then solved for good. (you do remember how this story started, don't you? )
THE END



People who contributed to the story, in order of appearance:

-Pakman-
Kez
QorbeQ
Pure Science
[TSK]Luap
Stu-
DApea!
bigfoot
Mr Niceguy
Bodhi
Out4Zero
[MOD]Psycho
frankie
acker
Nosser-
~YuckFou~
TUG
[20FTS]Luap
Davehart
venturer01
MeddlE
neu
Grimes
[GA] Shovel
Manta
Kryten
Nath
Nemesis
SoWat
Embattle
slimey
mookie
Jools
ED209
SUp3rFM
xs
Man Like Tong
Vectrex
Luap-ffs
Bodhi
xenon2000
rwd-mank
ViRuZ
[Do]JiM
Luap2
Bl4sT
Sokem
[NC]Sturty
mad12
Milkshake
Relix
stazbumpa
testin_da_cable
ignus
Panda on Smack
Shaun
HeL1FiRe
Horus^
Morpheus
Gaming Legend
Jimmy
Huster
Diablo
charliealpha
ironfist

Some of these guys are actually still around! I'm impressed

 

[TUG]

Yesteryear and then some teedles

 

[moomin]

and no fucking moomin


go blow me!

 

[old.Tohtori]

Reminds me of my 40k post

Fun!

 

[TdC]

and no fucking moomin


go blow me!

were you in I and II mate? can you find what you wrote, cos I'll add you! remember this is only I and II, not III. I'm really sorry if I missed you, I thought I was doing a good job

 

[TdC]

Yesteryear and then some teedles

ye olden daze

 

[mank!]

wow, i'm in there. how long ago was that tdc?

 

[TdC]

2000? '01? I can't rightly remember mate.

 

[mank!]

crikey. if it was 2000 i was only 14...bless

 

[Wij]

Hmm - I just found this on my desktop - must have been from a TLSITW thread sometime...

Davemech's motors spin into a frenzy, filling the room with cacophony of clicks, whirrs and little switching noises. His finger moves towards Lead Nibbler's brain. "You who have reactivated me shall bring me to my final triumph !!!"

Nibbler's brain is whisked until it forms soft peaks and mixed with sugar and evil. The terrible dessert is topped off with Nibbler's glacier piles from his anal fissure.

"Now the meringue of Esquilax is complete I can finally complete the plan I was designed for !!!"