Shiitt what to do

[fettoken]

This friend is sending me sms and says she wants to commit suicide, i try to do my best to make her reconsider. But even so, what should i do? Don't want someone to off herself and i couldn't do anything to stop it.

She has done it before but now she seems more and more depressed.

 

[Sparx]

can you get round to her house now? if so go

 

[Marc]

Chances are she wont. People who are REALLY depressed, tend to take their lives quitely and without putting it onto the shoulders of others. This to me sounds like a cry for help.

But to be sure, inform her family or call an ambulance/the police.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Tell her that before she does anything, to come to your place, call you, you go there, etc etc.

She has nothing to lose right?

With whatever is the problem, just remind her that you're there.

 

[Aoami]

But to be sure, inform her family or call an ambulance/the police.

this

 

[fettoken]

But to be sure, inform her family

It is because of her family she wants to do it so it's out of the question to call them.

Tell her that before she does anything, to come to your place, call you, you go there, etc etc.

She has nothing to lose right?

With whatever is the problem, just remind her that you're there.

Yeah i guess that's the best thing i can do, which i am going but you never know with people what they are capable of. I love her so i got really really worried.

 

[fettoken]

Ty for the quick replies

 

[old.Tohtori]

Trust me, you can only blame yourself if you don't do anything. If after all is said and done, things still go south, you don't have any regrets and it was just too hard to live.

Best wishes and use your wits and brains to solve it to your best ability.

 

[Sparx]

im a depression sufferer i know first hand what its like. Get round to her place now and sit with her, she needs someone to talk to

 

[Ezteq]

yeah, she obviusly wants to talk which is why she txted you so that is something hopeful. Jeeze I hope it all works out and she is alright, I feel so sad when people feel like that because sometimes you can't make it all better.
Best of luck hun
/hug

 

[Vasconcelos]

So how did this end up?

 

[fettoken]

Oh she calmed down luckily and i promised to be with her for a week or so.

 

[TdC]

what happens when you go away again?

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

One of the great misconceptions about suicide is that those that make multiple attempts will not go on to successfully complete. While they can be considered a cry for help, they are not only a cry for help.

The failed attempts can often be practice runs.

Successful suicides have usually had previous attempts, sometimes merely taken as a cry for help.

 

[Vasconcelos]

Oh she calmed down luckily and i promised to be with her for a week or so.

Maybe she was trying to send you a hidden message? Is there any chance of other feelings than friendship?

 

[Thorwyn]

Actually I didn´t want to reply to this thread, since my opinion might sound a little harsh and provoctive. But since the crisis seems to be over, I´ll do it anyways... whatever it´s good for.

When people are telling other people that they´re about to commit suicide, they want attention. And in some cases, they want to play a game with you. It´s the pretty cruel game of "YOU have a chance to save my life, so do it! otherwise, YOU are the one to be blamed for my death!"

If they *really* want to kill themselves, they will to it... quietly and without a warning. My brother commited suicide when I was a kid. He didn´t even leave us a note or anything. Took me years to accept that. My sister tried to commit suicide but failed. Again, without a note. Two of my friends comminted suicide and they didn´t call anyone, they just did it (see the thread I made a couple of weeks ago).

Many years ago, when I did my placement at a psychological counseling service, one of the therapists told me that some of his clients would occasionally call her late at night, telling her that they´re about to commit suicide. And her usual reaction was something along: "Well.. if you really have to, go for it! Make sure to find a balk that´s strong enough, otherwise it´s gonna break and you´re just gonna embarrass yourself. But whatever you decide to do, stop bothering me! It´s late and I´m tired!"

The thing is: you´re not responsible for other people´s personal decisions. And any attempt of lumbering other people with such a decision is just unfair and self-centered. There´s nothing wrong with asking people for help, attention, advice or just for a reaction. But that´s about as demanding as they can get.

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

The thing is: you´re not responsible for other people´s personal decisions.

This is the crux of it, aye. (Everyone plays 'games', even those that think think they don't). I agree its important to step outside of the game but the manner in which it is dealt with doesn't have to be harsh and the sharp responses are usually reserved for people who have shown themselves to be seeking attention or need something to snap themselves out of it. Its not used as a callous casual means to stop people short. Perhaps thats not what your post is intended to imply but it does come across a bit like that.

Regardless, the person needs professional help. They may not be a genuine potential suicide but the fact they are willing to use this as a means for attention indicates a strong need for help from a professional.

I would urge the original poster not to be drawn into trying to be the saviour as that is a fast way to extreme difficulties. A fast first response is appropriate. After that... hand it over to the professionals.

One last thing: Someone cannot be helped unless they want help. For all we may have different points of view or experiences, and irrelevant of whether the potential suicide was genuine or not, this is what it comes down to in the end.

 

[Thorwyn]

but the manner in which it is dealt with doesn't have to be harsh and the sharp responses are usually reserved for people who have shown themselves to be seeking attention or need something to snap themselves out of it. Its not used as a callous casual means to stop people short. Perhaps thats not what your post is intended to imply but it does come across a bit like that.

The manner in which things like this are dealt with is - of course - dependant on the situation and the case. I didn´t mean to say "just tell her to FO". The point of my post was, that these people are using suicide as a weapon of control and manipulation (and in some cases punishment). They are creating guilt, either deliberately or subconciously . And the important thing is to be aware of this mechanism and avoid it.
I stick to it: when people are threatening with suicide, they´re far far away from actually doing it.

 

[Ezteq]

Tis true, I had a horrible BF (obviously before I met B2) and he would try and manipulate me, one time he called and said basically that if I didn't do something or other (forget what it was now, go to the pub probably) he'd take an overdose so I told him fine and hung up.

I wasn't being a bitch but I actually knew he was only saying it do manipulate me, when we met I was in hospital after 'doing something silly' (no note) so tbh that was the absolutely worst way he could have tried to get sympathy from me.

And from a personal perspective, I would have loved someone to come and rescue me on that day, I was desperate for someone to help me but I didn't call anyone because I didn't want to bother them with my problem.


...which was flipping stupid, I wish to hell I did have someone I felt I could bother because A) it hurt like a bastard on wheels and B) talking things over and maybe getting a hug would have been a much nicer way to spend my time.

 

[Sparx]

Just because its a cry for help doesnt mean its an attention seeking game. Like Ez pointed out sometimes a chat and a hug is all you need and when you dont get that it can spiral

 

[old.Tohtori]

Thorwyn, i can't say i agree on that therapist.

Atleast in this country, if someone sayes that they are going to kill themselves and you say "Do it.", it's punishable. Much like telling someone to go out and kill ethnicity group XYZ.

You don't have to cater to the cries for attention if you feel that's all it is, but you can't go around telling them to actually go for it.

I'd say that even IF it's just a cry for help, i'd take the "here's a hug" approach any day over the possibility they weren't just looking for it.

I wouldn't feel guilt over something i didn't ignite, but i don't think ignoring anyone who is asking for help(desperate or not) is a right approach.

 

[Thorwyn]

Atleast in this country, if someone sayes that they are going to kill themselves and you say "Do it.", it's punishable. Much like telling someone to go out and kill ethnicity group XYZ.

I don´t know the laws in Finnland, so I have no reason to doubt your statement. However, tbh, I find it hard to believe. Telling someone to go ahead when he´s threatening with suicide and telling someone to kill someone else are very different things... at least over here. Because if this is really the case, then you can basically force someone to do things he doesn´t want to do, triggering all the mechanisms I described in my previous posts. "Hey, guess what, I`m about to jump off the roof! And guess who´s in charge of saving my ass... BINGO, it´s YOU! So better hurry up..."
I seriously find it hard to believe, that just saying "I don´t care, go ahead" is punishable under any sane jurisdiction.
But whatever... I just wanted to bring one point across: suicide threats are a form of manipulation. Maybe not all of them, but many of them. And you better be prepared for situations like this, because if you´re not, you´re gonna end up with a lot of stuff in your mind that you need to come to terms with. Trust me on that one.

 

[old.Tohtori]

I don´t know the laws in Finnland, so I have no reason to doubt your statement. However, tbh, I find it hard to believe. Telling someone to go ahead when he´s threatening with suicide and telling someone to kill someone else are very different things... at least over here. Because if this is really the case, then you can basically force someone to do things he doesn´t want to do, triggering all the mechanisms I described in my previous posts. "Hey, guess what, I`m about to jump off the roof! And guess who´s in charge of saving my ass... BINGO, it´s YOU! So better hurry up..."
I seriously find it hard to believe, that just saying "I don´t care, go ahead" is punishable under any sane jurisdiction.
But whatever... I just wanted to bring one point across: suicide threats are a form of manipulation. Maybe not all of them, but many of them. And you better be prepared for situations like this, because if you´re not, you´re gonna end up with a lot of stuff in your mind that you need to come to terms with. Trust me on that one.

I've been there, Finland, suicide rate, check it up

What i said wasn't about not doing anything, but about pushing someone to do it. It's not about shifting blame, but about telling someone who is on the edge of suicide that it's a good idea.

In that way, it's similar to advocating violent actions.

So in a nutshell, you don't have to help, but you can't tell them to do it. Not helping is not blame, but telling someone to do it shifts the blame, if you catch my drift.

 

[Chilly]

if it was a ploy to get closer, I'd take it as a signal to get the fuck out - she's clearly a nut job.

 

[Thorwyn]

I've been there, Finland, suicide rate, check it up

What i said wasn't about not doing anything, but about pushing someone to do it. It's not about shifting blame, but about telling someone who is on the edge of suicide that it's a good idea.

In that way, it's similar to advocating violent actions.

So in a nutshell, you don't have to help, but you can't tell them to do it. Not helping is not blame, but telling someone to do it shifts the blame, if you catch my drift.

I guess we´re talking about a very thin line here. "Go for it, I don´t care" (which is basically what the therapeut said) is not proactively telling them to do it. But let´s not dive into semantics, I think my point is clear.

 

[Billargh]

I'd liked to have spotted this earlier tbh, Thorwyn beat me to it. If someone were to do that to me I'd probably tell them to "man the fuck up and do it". I know a few people who've attempted suicide and failed, usually (and to my knowledge) they kept their intentions of doing so pretty quiet. On the other side of the coin however, I've had someone telling me they're going to kill themselves, guess what, they never did. Few cut wrists here and there, but that's all. Obviously ploy for attention.

 

[Sparx]

Like i said before too many people mistake a ploy for attention as attention seeking kiddies. Usually there is a reason for attention seeking that cant be ignored and just having this blase attitude of go ahead do it, i dont care isnt helping anything get better

 

[Thorwyn]

Like i said before too many people mistake a ploy for attention as attention seeking kiddies. Usually there is a reason for attention seeking that cant be ignored and just having this blase attitude of go ahead do it, i dont care isnt helping anything get better

This attitude isn´t blase, it´s a form of selfprotection. I`m not mistaking something or someone as attention seeking kiddies, I`m talking about a pretty common psychological mechanism.

Of course people deserve any help they can get. But the helper should never lose control of how far he wants to go and how much attention he wants to give.

 

[Sparx]

My post was more in reply to Billargh than you mate. i've said to people "go ahead then" cause i get annoyed when people have used the im going to kill myself line its a tender subject for me like a few here and i hate it when people use it so easily. I had a gf say that to me when i broke up with her and i said cool let me know when and i will come and watch. I knew she would never do it and was only saying it so i didnt break up with her.
But im talking about people who say it cause they genuinely need help

 

[Billargh]

My post was more in reply to Billargh than you mate. i've said to people "go ahead then" cause i get annoyed when people have used the im going to kill myself line its a tender subject for me like a few here and i hate it when people use it so easily. I had a gf say that to me when i broke up with her and i said cool let me know when and i will come and watch. I knew she would never do it and was only saying it so i didnt break up with her.
But im talking about people who say it cause they genuinely need help

Obviously my 'man up' etc approach is slightly exaggerated, even if it didn't appear so. Also depends who it is and how close I am to the person, whether or not that'd be my reacition.


Maybe that's just down to the experiences I've had with things like this, I don't know. I mean, not long ago my sister attempted suicide, and as cold hearted as it was, I really didn't give a shit. I guess I should point out I really don't get on with her what so ever, being an absolute polar opposite of me. She's made our family life an absolute misery with her antics, so the sooner we don't have to have anything to do with her the better.