Sexist Jokes - Please bring some anti-men ones

[lilmissnaughty]

why do women have trouble parking?
how can we judge distances when for years you guys been telling us this
<---------------------------------------->
is 8 inches



how many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
just one to hold the bulb up and wait for the whole world to revolve around him

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

heres a sorta neutral one...
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

 

[Ormorof]

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon
her
return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you
ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you

were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what
you
put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur
coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for #5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and
for
you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a

breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my
new
yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad!... Sniff,
sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you
said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

 

[Lamp]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes ?

Nothing. You've already told her twice.

 

[Ctuchik]

to start the ball rolling

Why is PMS called PMS?

Mad Cow Disease was taken

Pre Maritial(sp?) stress..... for men anyway

 

[Naffets]

Pre Maritial(sp?) stress..... for men anyway

POST marital stress i believe, as the tohtori quote goes, or however you spell it. Seal anyhow!

 

[Ctuchik]

POST marital stress i believe, as the tohtori quote goes, or however you spell it. Seal anyhow!

knew i saw it somwhere couldent be arsed to look for it tho >.<

 

[Mikah75]

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes ?

Nothing. You've already told her twice.

rofl!

 

[Sparx]

Irish joke

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.



The first question was, without using numbers, represent the number 9.'



So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."

Murphy stares into space for a while, and then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"

The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says

"All right, question three, Same rules again, but represent the Number 100."



Murphy stares into space again, and then he shouts, "Got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time."

"Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,

"A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?"

 

[Rediknight]

45 things a woman can't do

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.

2. Understand a film plot.

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.

4. Lift.

5. Throw.

6. Run.

7. Park.

8. Read a map.

9. Rob a bank.

10. Sit still.

11. Tell a joke.

12. Play snooker.

13. Pay for dinner.

14. Eat a kebab while walking.

15. Argue without shouting.

16. Get told off without crying.

17. Understand fruit machines.

18. Walk past a shoe shop.

19. Make a decent bacon sandwich.

20. Not comment on stranger's clothes.

21. Use small amounts of toilet paper.

22. Let you sleep with a hang over.

23. Drink a pint gracefully.

24. Get a round in.

25. Throw a punch.

26. Do magic.

27. Like your friends.

28. Eat a really hot curry.

29. Get to the point.

30. Buy plain envelopes.

31. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.

32. Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold ".

33. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends.

34. Avoid credit card debt.

35. Dive into a pool.

36. Assemble furniture.

37. Set a video recorder.

38. Not to try to change you.

39. Watch a war film.

40. Understand why flirting results in violence.

41. Spend a day by themselves.

42. Go to the toilet by themselves.

43. Buy a purse that fits in your pocket.

44. Choose a video quickly.

45. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.

 

[Rediknight]

How to decode womens "Lonely Hearts" adds

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking.................... Lives under a bridge and scares billygoats

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Souless Bitch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Bubbly personality............... Very annoying.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

 

[Tasslehoff]

God has created Adam, but it seemed as if though he was starting to get a bit lonely. God knows what to do though.
So one day while Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden, God comes down to him: "I can make you the PERFECT partner, the most intelligent partner, the most beautiful partner you could imagine! It will cost you an arm though."
Adam stands mulling over the offer for a bit, then answers "what can I get for a rib?"

 

[Lamp]

A man takes his wife to the Adelaide show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states:

"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day."

 

[pip]

A bin man knocks this lady's door, she opens it and says hi, the bin man says merry Christmas, she says here is £5 pound each for you for your good work, happy Christmas. Can you send in the driver please? Driver goes in and gets a shag, then the driver says why do they get a £5 pound tip and I get a shag? She says well when my husband left for work this morning he said; here is a £5 pound tip for the bin men and fuck the driver

 

[tris-]

lol pip. i really admire your attempts. but i feel left wondering "wtf was that" and at other times thinking "did i just black out, where did that last minute go?!".

i dont know what you trying to do man, but have a rep for it. i never seen something so determined to strive on fh.

 

[Rediknight]

Guy driving along in his truck pulls up a set of red lights. A blonde in a car behind him jumps out and runs up to his window, "Hi, my names Sandy! Did you know you're spilling your load?"

The lights turn green, so he just acts like he hasn't seen her and drives off. Minute later he comes up to another set of red lights, so he stops. Sure enough, in his rearview he sees this girl jump out the car, run up and tap on his window and say's again, "Hi, my names Sandy! Did you know you're spilling your load?"

Again, the lights turn green and he drives off. This time, it's taken Sandy a while to get back to her motor, so he's got a bit of a lead. He comes up to the next set of red lights, pulls up and waits for her to catch up. As she does he jumps out of his cab and jogs back to her car and taps on the window, "Hi Sandy, My names Ralph! I drive a f*ckin gritting lorry..."

sorry, my ma sent it to me by email a few weeks ago...