Retarded Costumer questions

[Basic_X]

Manny retarded questions from varius companies (i belive they are all americans, i doubt anyone with a brain would ask questions like this ;P)
PS: There are manny questions, lots of reading

Part one:
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/retarded-customer-questions.php?page=1

Part two:
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/retarded-customer-questions2.php

 

[Basic_X]

The best question by far has got to be:

"If I load more songs on my IPOD, will it get heavier?"

man there are a shitload of retarded people in this world

 

[Naffets]

I can relate to a lot of these. Mind you, sometimes it can be the opposite.

I went to KFC in accrington before now (I'm sure it was accrington) and asked for a bucket to split between three of us, they told us they were out of chicken..

I just said, this is K...F...C and you have no chicken? What do you have?
Chips?!
Erm...ok, we're going to McDonalds....to get some chicken!

Also, been to Subway and they said they were out of bread... They fucking cook their own, asshats.

 

[tris-]

user: Ok, it says name. What should I put there?
me: Your name.
user: Uh, ok (saying it in a unsure name) ok, address. what should I put there?
me: Are you serious?
user: I'm not technical at all.

that bring back many memories.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING THICK?

 

[haarewin]

oh i love thick as shit customers!
theres this woman that always comes in and tries to cause trouble for the staff. she's in her mid 50s, and has 2 daughters, one who is like a younger version of her, and the other has obviously worked in shops and had to deal with idiots like her pretty often. unfortunately, she always seems to come to me with her bitch daughter.
(just fyi, our deliveries come in at night, after the "store" is closed, but the pharmacy is open till midnight through one of those petrol station type hatch things. the delivery comes from nottingham to the big depot in bristol, where it is then carted around on a lorry with 5 other stores deliveries until it gets to our store.)

Bitch: 'theres only one of these on the shelf'. *pointing at nail polish remover*
Me: 'ok, well i can check when the next delivery is due if you like so you could come back to get another, but unfortunately i cant check the system to see what local stores have it in stock as it gets turned off at 5.30'
Bitch: 'but they are on special offer and theres only one and i need the other one now'
Me: 'uh, ok.' *checking delivery due* 'oh, it's due in tonights delivery which is due at 9pm, after the store is closed'
Bitch: 'so i can't have it now?'
Me: 'i don't have an extra one to give you now, but you can come back tomorrow and get them both on the offer'
Bitch: 'but why can't you go and get it for me now?'
Me: 'because it's on its way in the delivery'
Bitch: 'get your manager, i want to speak to the manager'
Me: 'ok, i'll be right back' (at this moment, J, our HR admin walks past - she's going home)
Bitch: 'oh she'll do, she knows more than you do!'
Me: 'J, sorry to bother you but this customer wants your help'
J: 'i'm the HR admin, i'm not customer service or management, and i'm going home, so you're help will have to do'
Bitch: 'you're all being difficult! i don't understand why you can't just give me the other one!'
Me: 'well it is on its way in the delivery, so i cannot give you another one as i don't have it to give you'
Bitch: 'get me your manager!'

so i get my manager, who explains the situation exactly the same as i did, and this still isn't satisfactory.

Bitch: 'if you won't go and get it for me then i'll take my business elsewhere!'
(inside, i want to tell the bitch to fuck off and never come back to our store then)
the next day, the stupid bitch is in getting both of them on the special offer.

 

[Overdriven]

"Listen I am not your average dumb customer so don't patronize me"

"I....wasn't planning to?"

"Okay here's the deal, my internet is out and I know what the problem is, it's the port forwarding settings so don't waste my time making me check other stuff"

"Well I kind of have to. I'm sorry if you don't like it but it's part of my job. You know, in case it's not what you think it is? Let's start by cycling the modem power."

"NO GOD DAMNIT I am not stupid, that's not the problem! you can skip it."

"Well just humor me then."

"NO! Skip to the advanced stuff, this isn't a simple problem! I already told you I know what's wrong!"

"Well then why do you need my help to fix it?"

"FUCK YOU I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing, I'll get my boyfriend to fix this, he won't treat me like an idiot!"

She hung up.

*Sighs*

 

[Darzil]

No stupid questions from clothes makers, I feel betrayed by the thread title.

Darzil

 

[Olgaline]

this one is ooooold..but i have it on my comp just for laughs "for the ones that havent seen it yet" cant say if it's authentic or not but it's funny none the less...

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[chretien]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I used to be phone tech support for a major computer retailer. Obviously there were many unbelievably stupid customers but a few stick out. Note: being completely non-technical and needing to ask n00b questions about computers doesn't make you dumb, being unable to engage in joined-up thinking however does.

So one day I'm sat at my desk and get a shouty woman on the phone. I've paraphrased the conversation a little. For the authentic experience you need to add about five or six swear words in each of her sentences. It also took about ten minutes due to her arguing every step of the way.

Shouty Woman: My computer's broken. I need an engineer to come and fix it.
Me: Erm, Ok. Well we need to do some simple diagnostics so that we can see what the problem is. There's a good chance we can solve the problem for you right now on the phone.
SW: No, I don't want to mess around on the phone, I want an engineer.

Now obviously I can't just send round an engineer without doing any diags at all.

Me: It will only take a few minutes. I can't send round an engineer without first finding out what the problem is otherwise he won't have the right part and, like I said there's a very good chance you won't need to wait for an engineer and we can get your computer working right now.
SW: I told you it's broken. I just need an engineer!
Me: Ok what happens when you turn it on?
SW: Nothing!
Me: Do any lights come on, are there any humming or beeping sounds coming from it?
SW: I don't know.
Me: Are you near the machine at the moment? Could you try turning it on for me?
SW: (sounds of fumbling) No, there's nothing at all.
Me: Ok, let's start with the simple things first. Have you checked the fuses in the plugs?
SW: Of course I checked those, that was the first thing I checked!
Me: Ok then, I'd like to you unplug the power cable from the back of the monitor and swap it with the one in the back of the computer. We'll see if that works. (It's a simple way of checking the fuses without telling the customer they're a liar)
SW: (more fumbling) Ok it still doesn't work.
Me: Are there lights on the monitor?
SW: Yes.
Me: Ok we're going to try a static discharge now and see if that helps ... (I explain what I need her to do - basically to unplug everything and hold the power switch in for a while)
SW: I'm not technical I can't do that!
Me: Erm, you don't need to be technical. I'll explain how to plug everything back in when we're done.
SW: I'm going to get my son, he knows how all this stuff works.
Son of Shouty Woman: Hello.
Me: Hey there, I understand your computer isn't powering up.
SoSW: No the power switch fell off yesterday and is stuck inside the case.
Me: .... I'll get an engineer out to you tomorrow.

Why the fuck couldn't she have just told me that from the beginning and why would she lie about checking the fuses and then go through the charade of checking the cables etc?

 

[Congax]

No stupid questions from clothes makers, I feel betrayed by the thread title.

Darzil

haha

 

[chretien]

And another I just remembered.

Customer who is too stupid to live: Hi, I have a big problem with my computer.
Me: Ok, what's the problem?
CWITSTL: (describes fairly trivial issue which can be easily fixed, I don't even remember what it was, some Windows setting or other).
Me: Ok, that's very simple to change, let me take you through it. I need you to open <some menu or other> and right click on <this entry>.
CWITSTL: Right click?
Me: Yes, put your mouse pointer over the entry and click with the right hand button on the mouse.
CWITSTL: Which one is the right one?
Me: How many buttons are there on your mouse?
CWITSTL: Two and a grey wheel thing.
Me: It's the right hand button, the one on the right of your mouse.
CWITSTL: (pause) My right or your right?

 

[Darzil]

My favourite :

I was working in IT support for a large company. It was having a bit of a drive on improving quality. Everywhere you looked there were carpets, posters, signs etc with "Quality is our top priority" and suchlike on them. Usual corporate stuff. I used to set people's passwords to quality when they forgot them, to do my bit. One day, I got a shop floor supervisor ask me, after I'd set his password to quality, "How do you spell that?". His office was swamped with stuff saying quality.

Didn't get particularly stupid questions from her, but our scariest user there was one who had EVERYTHING she had to type in a day's work on a note by the side of her monitor, and had to follow it rigorously or she couldn't work. Now, I've known people to do this whilst learning a new process for the first few hours, sometimes days, this was 5 years!

Darzil

 

[Bugz]

I think the funniest thing we've had in our shop is an old man who has a paper-delievery service given to him.

Every half a month, he comes in to pay his paper bill and every time, he pays for two weeks. Ofcourse, we try to explain to him that he has extra costs pending (as a month is not four weeks - but 28-31 days).

Anywho, over time, his bill has racked up to about £40 in excess days charging, which we'll have to probably get a lawsuit or something to sort out - as the guy always argued with the fact that he pays a month's worth (he assumes 4 weeks is a month).


The other comical thing we have is the old 'how much is this?' - completely disregarding the big price tags located right below the actual item.

 

[Thadius]

The best question by far has got to be:

"If I load more songs on my IPOD, will it get heavier?"

man there are a shitload of retarded people in this world

Tickled me enourmosly

 

[Sparda]

I did walk into Ann sumers in town once and asked em why they sold batteries. I got some very cold looks for the lady behind the counter.....

I have also been into a pound shop and asked an assistant how much some stuff was.

 

[Huntingtons]

this was a comment on a gaming situation where they had to call the cops:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO DISPERSE FROM THE VIDEO GAME STORE. THERE IS NO GAME, ANYWHERE, WORTH RIOTING OVER. GO HOME."