Oh Brother Troll, Where Art Thou!

[Oro]

Some more twisted whimsy. It helps, though isn't essential, if you've read The Elf, The Troll And The Wardrobe first.

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Ham and his brother, Tight, sat at the bar in the Galplen inn and stared at their respective quarts. It would be fair to say that Galplen beer would eat through any container that tried to hold it for very long so patrons tended to either drink fast or have to pay for the bar to be revarnished. In Galplen, it was the tankards that couldn't hold their drink. The pair were well into their fifth round of drinks.

"So brother troll," said Tight, "you're takin' up the farmin'."
Ham sighed, "No brother troll, I said I got a geas."
Tight's brow furrowed, "S'wot I said. Geese farmin'."
"No," said Ham, "its a type of quest or sommat."
"Oooh quests," responded Tight, absently stroking the haft of the mattock resting beside him, "Tight likes a good adventure."
"All the adventures you been on brother troll I'm surprised you never got the coin to buy a drink."
Tight feigned looking hurt, "I just a bit strapped. Armour and weapon repairs cost your poor older brother most of his coin."
Tight paused a moment, "Uh, what were we talking about?"
"My geas" said Ham, fearing the inevitable.
"Ooh you're takin' up the farmin'?"

Many hours later the two trolls lurched out of the bar. Potentially a profitable evening - with many quarts of Midgard's most corrosive drink inside them the next day they'd be able to bottle the results and sell it as dye remover. If they were really lucky, they'd have something of more alchemical use.
"Good evening my good trolls!" ventured a kobold as he stepped out of the shadows. Unusually for a kobold stepping out of the shadows he wasn't at someone's throat with a knife. This immediately made Ham and Tight wary.
"Good sirs, may I interest you in a very special purchase?"
"Ungh fug orfff" answered Ham, trying to focus.
"You're going to try and sell us some magic beans aren't you?" mumbled Tight, more adept at market practices.
A brief expression of annoyance crossed the kobold's face but immediately he rallied, "Why no, of course not! I, the fearless Lurgio have returned from adventures in far off lands with many fine wares to amaze and astound."
Tight made a slight turn towards Ham, "Your turn brother troll."
"Nope," slurred Ham, "I ate last one. Gave me the runs. Go getem brother troll."
Ham growled, "You KNOW they give me indigestion. Can't we just raid bakery as usual?"
When the two trolls turned back to the kobold he seemed to have stepped back into the shadows. They turned to each other and laughed until they cried.
Still chuckling they began to make their way through Galplen.
"I've missed you brother troll." said Tight.
"Same, brother troll." said Ham.
"You lost weight, not been eating right?" slurred Tight.
"Mostly soup. Sometimes stew." answered Ham.

The next morning the two trolls wandered through Galplen with somewhat tender heads. After stopping by the dye merchant stall they continued to browse the market. Ham spent a lot of time looking at various cloths and rubbing his chin. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for.
"Aha! Good sirs!" said a kobold, appearing out of nowhere,"I have just the thing for two gentletrolls such as your good selves."
Tight groaned, "Its him again."
"Breakfast time" said Ham.
Tight hoisted the kobold up who immediately began to make strangled squeaking noises. A hand the size of bear paw with a vice-like grip on your throat tends to have that kind of effect.
"Ma Fisted make nice dins out of you little kobold."
The two trolls turned and began to make their way out of the market, with the feeble struggling kobold tucked under Tight's left arm.
"He's turnin' blue, brother troll." commented Ham.
"He's already blue, he's kobold." answered Tight.
"Well there's definately more blue than before." said Ham, "Hope it don't affect the taste."
"Hrm," pondered Tight, "I think thats just like when apples get more red, it means they more ripe. Think its same with kobolds."
"You a very clever troll, brother troll." admired Ham.
"Ta brother troll."

As they reached the edge of the market their philosophical debate was abruptly halted by a Norse guard in black chainmail armour who had spotted the struggling kobold.
"Hoi there," yelled the guard, "What are you doing with that kobold?"
"What kobold?" aked Tight, trying to look innocent.
"The one slowly going limp under your arm you big lummox." said the guard.
"Oh," said Tight, acting surprised, "THAT kobold. Oh its nothing. You don't want to be bothering with him."
"Yer," said Ham, "we just invited him home to dinner."
"Hmm" said the guard, "FOR dinner I suspect. Put him down."
"Awww." said Tight, sulkily, but he complied and let Lurgio drop to the ground. The kobold rolled over, gasping for breath. He scrambled to his feet and stood behind the guard.
The guard frowned, "You two know its the district judge for you."
"We didn't do nothin'!" exclaimed Tight.
"Unless you can come to some agreement with your little friend here." said the guard.
A crafty look appeared on the kobold's face, "Well if these two want to purchase my entire stock of magic beans I'll consider it no harm done."
Ham growled, "And why the hell would I want magic beans?"
The guard arched an eyebrow and Ham subsided.
"Five gold will be sufficient." said the Lurgio.
Tight looked at Lurgio in horror, "FIVE gold for sommat that may or may not make a beanstalk?"
Ham elbowed Tight to be silent and dug out the money. With a sullen look he handed over the coins and Lurgio gave him a small bag.
The guard nodded approval and bid them good day. Lurgio scampered off with the guard.

"I hate the magic bean con. Gah. I angry now," rumbled Tight, then added, "And still hungry."
Ham looked inside the bag. It was filled with beans and there was a little crumpled note. He opened the note and read.

'Binhazzar's Brilliant Beans of Binding! Eat one, and you'll go back to wherever the bag was bound in an instant!'

"Oooh" said Tight, "Tight bound soul to Galplen, me try one."
He immediately grabbed a bean out of the bag and threw it down his throat.
"WAIT BROTHER TROLL!" shouted Ham, but it was too late. Tight disappeared. With a forlorn look, Ham peered around but his brother was nowhere to be seen. To nobody in particular Ham said "It bean's place, not troll's place you go to."
Ham took a bean out of the bag and prayed he'd go to the same place that Tight did. Plucking up his courage he shoved it into his mouth.

 

[Oro]

"Oh bugger" said Ham, as he looked around, slightly disoriented.
Around him, he saw what was plainly a market place, but it was like no market he'd ever been in. There were bright banners with red and white designs on them, general hubub in the background in an alien language. There were humans alright, but no trolls, or kobolds or even Valkyn. He recognsed some of the races here, but not from home, not from where he grew up. His now apparently rubber neck strained while he tried to locate his brother.
He heard a groaning sound from behind him and when he turned he saw Tight, sitting with a rather confused look on his face in a heap on top of some poor human chap, who was quite squashed and obviously very dead. Ham then noticed that it was a pie stall that had a sign above it "S. Todd, piemaker to royalty. Drop by any time!".

Ham didn't waste any time, being more mentally swift than his brother. That is to say, instead of the mental reflex of a yoghurt, thought processes at least moved in their own treacle way through his brain. Ham then realised he was able to read the sign. The logic started to seep into his Midgardian brain that this was quite clearly not Midgard and he shouldn't be able to read the sign at all.

"Brother troll!", hissed Ham urgently, "we in big trouble."
"Gerrorf. Tight had bad fall," said Tight as Ham tried to pull him to his feet, frantically hoping they hadn't been noticed.
"Get behind stall brother troll, Quickfast!"
Though grumbling, Tight did as bid and lumbered around the stall to the other side, while Ham grabbed the body and lifted it with him, making motions with his head as if talking to a friend that had just fallen down.
"Keep down" hissed Ham again as Tight started to look around, finally beginning to realise he wasn't back in Galplen any more.
"Oh bugger." said Tight.
"Indeed brother troll," said Ham, shoving the body under the stall.
Ham examined the stall. Pie shop on wheels basically. The glimmering of a plan started forming in his trollish brain.
"Tight, there's pies here."
"Good," said Tight, "Tight hungry."
"No brother troll. If pies here, there place they make pies before they bring them here. Need to know pie place."
"Ahhhh, " said Tight, thinking he'd figured it out and of course being dead wrong, "we eat these then get more pies! Smart brother troll!"
"No brother troll, we hide in pie place."
"Why that brother troll?"
"Cos we in Camelot brother troll and we in deep drakulv doodoo."
Tight frowned, "How you know we in Camelot?"
"Well, " said tight, "Inconnu and Avalonians in market small clue but the bit that give away is the dirty great sign 'Camelot Market'."
"How come you can read Alb brother troll?"
"Dunno brother troll, I think its sommmat to do with geas,"
"Geese farmers can read Alb?"
Ham opened his mouth to answer and then changed his mind.
"Yes brother troll, that it precise."

Ham's brow furrowed in thought, then he reached under the market stall and started pulling the apron and other pie shop style apparel off the unfortunate stallman. He thrust the apron into Tight's hands and told him to put it on. While Tight reluctantly tried to fit the apron around his massive girth ham pulled out a paper bag he'd spotted and compared it to tight's head. Poking a couple of holes in it he roughly shoved it over the top of Tight's head, to a startled exclamation from his brother.
"Quiet brother troll. If someone comes close don't talk. At all."
"Hrmg ngle fgrr" said Tight.
"Oops," said Ham and released the accidental overly-firm grip he'd put on Tight's mouth to shut him up.
Ham grunted approval as Tight stopped making noise. There was a cloak hanging on one stand of the stall and he quickly put this on, pulling the down over his face some, hoping it would cover him up a bit,

And just in time too. As is the nature of markets people browse the stalls. A broad man in a kilt and a stick-like woman accompanied him, both dressed in fine robes.
"Good day sirrah." said the man, "you have chicken pies for sale?"
Ham could tell from the gathering rumbling noises beside him that Tight was working up to speak, even though he couldn't understand what the man said. Ham surrepticiously dug his right elbow into Tight's ribs. The rumbling immediately stopped.
"Chicken. Hmm. Lemme think." stalled Ham, looking frantically around the stacks of pies. He had no idea what was where.
"Uh yeh. We got the chickens. How many you want?"
"Two will be sufficient, and be sharp about it."
Sharp and trolls are not two words often found in close proximity to each other, but nonetheless, Ham fumbled with some pies he randomly picked out. He had no idea what was in them but just hoped he and Tight would be long gone before the highlander figured found out what was in there. You never know, it might actually be chicken.
"There you go boss." said Ham as he handed them over.
The highlander looked at him expectantly and Ham looked back quite thoroughly blank faced.
"You give your pies away for free?" asked the man.
"Hehe uh sorry. Bit slow today. Ham charge ten silver for the pies. Thanking sir very much."
The highlander nodded slowly and began counting out coins while eyeing Ham with a tinge of suspicion.
"Say, you're not from around here, are you?" said the highlander.
"We is half oinks from far offski" said Ham.
"Ah, explains it. Never met half ogre before. Apologies for saying, but you really are an ugly brute aren't you."
Ham could feel his blood pressure rising. He was considered quite a good-looking troll back home and though not normally prone to being vain, he did look after his appearance with baths monthly. Well most months anyway.
"Is there being anything else for sir?" asked Ham.
At that point the highlander seemed to notice Tight.
"Why has your friend there got a paper bag over his head?"
Ham's mind raced, "Uh. He shy. And got rare skin condition. His melon go red if in sunlight too long."
The highlander's female companion Ooohed at that and peered as if trying to see under the rim of the bag.
"Look at it this way," said Ham, "I'm pretty one in family."
At that the female shrank back immediately, as if suddenly afraid of what she might see under the bag.
Ham was getting twitchy now. The longer they talked to someone, the greater their chance of being discovered.
"We closing stall now. Ta ta sir and madam and we goin' back to pie shop now."
"But you haven't even sold half your pies yet and its only mid day," said the highlander, obviously puzzled.
"Uh, my brother tr... uh, traveller, has been in sun too long now and is groaning a bit." said Ham. Under the stall he gave Tight a kick in the leg to which Tight responded with a satisfying groaning sound.
"See, he in pain. Was nice chatting. We going now."
With that Ham made motions to start closing down the stall. At least stalls were fairly similar everywhere you went. He noted that there was an address on the side which he hoped was where the pie shop was, and not the stall maker. Hmm, he thought, another problem.
"Uh, excuse me sir, before you toddle. Can you tell me way to Teelf Street please? This bright sun not been good for me either."
The highlander looked up at the gathering rainclouds then back at Ham and shrugged.
"Down there, second on your left, then first right." answered the now totally perplexed highlander. With that he shook his head and set off again.
With the stall ready to roll, Ham put Tight into the space normally a donkey would occupy to pull it. It was a close call which would have been the smarter beast of burden.
Ham whispered to Tight as they were ready to go, "Good work brother troll. You totally fooled the pinkies."
"Ta brother troll, it was nuthin'." answered Tight.
"I lead, you follow with cart brother troll and remember, keep quiet."
As they ambled along the cobbled streets, Tight hummed to himself quietly, "Rollin', rollin', rollin, keep dose trollies rollin'..."
Ham ignored Tight's droning. It wasn't loud enough to attract attention. He focused on getting the directions correct. It wasn't long before he saw the sign for Teelf Street. He heaved a sigh of relief. Troll sighs have been compared to minor earthquakes but the few people walking the street didn't seem to notice.

Turning down he tried to find the number on the cart. Sure enough there it was and he emitted a second relieved sigh when he saw it was indeed a pie shop. There was a large wooden door and a small window, through which could be seen some fresh pies on display.
"We here brother troll." said Ham.
"We always here brother troll. Tight is always where he's at, at the moment. Not somewhere else. That would be silly."
"Be quiet brother troll." said Ham. He hated it when his brother got philosophical.

Ham opened the door and stepped inside.
He was in troll heaven. There were shelves stacked with all kinds of pies, and he could tell from the various smells that they were all meat pies. Reluctantly he took his eyes off the tummy treasures before him and motioned for Tight to bring the unfortunate stallman inside.
"Probably cart go round back. Can worry about that later." said Ham.
Tight just stood and gawped.
"Brother troll." said Ham, getting no response from his hypnotised brother.

"BROTHER TROLL" he said more loudly. This time Tight seemed to notice him but all he answered with was "Mmm pies."
"We need to hide the body brother troll before we get found." said Ham.
Tight just rubbed his stomach, "We in pie shop brother troll. Look, oven back there."
Ham grinned happily, and answered, "You're right brother troll. Making pies with the pieman."

Several hours later, the cart had been safely put around the back of the shop, the door had been shut and locked with the sign changed to "Closed". Ham and Tight sat in the back room where the oven was with contented grins and sleepily chewing the fat, as it were.
"I are big happy troll, brother troll." said Tight.
"Me too brother troll. Can safely say Camelot piemen make good pies." said Ham, who paused a few seconds then went on, "You know what this is?"
"What's what is?" said Tight.
"This is a holiday brother troll. We're on a genuine holiday. Just like Ma Fisted used to take us on when we ickle trolls."
There was no response from his now gently snoring brother.

Over the next few days, Ham left his brother in the shop and explored Camelot, trying his best to stay out of contact with anyone and doing his best to look like a half ogre. Tight dutifully made pies with the stock from the larder, but the supply was gradually dwindling. Ham knew they would probably have to move on soon, but for now they were both thoroughly enjoying themselves. Since he spent much time in the areas more frequented by commoners, he found himself in markets a lot. Gradually he learned his way around the huge city and made a rather unexpected friend after visiting the fish stall in one of the markets.
"Miow miow miiiiooooeeewwww" purred Whiskers.
"Ello little kittycat, Ham got more fishies for you little fella."
And so Ham found his steps dogged by the cat who was always hopefull of more fish.
Troll and cat explored Camelot and with his instinctive knack for languages Ham found he could figure most of what was going on in the city.

One morning, as the pair strolled around Camelot, Ham was musing what Whiskers did with himself of an evening.
"Wondering where you sleep little kittycat," mused Ham.
"Under the stalls mostly." answered Whiskers.
"Bugger me. I can speak cat." said Ham flatly.
"No you can't. I can speak troll. I'm just amazed nobody has realised you're a dirty great troll yet." said Whiskers.
"I are big friendly troll." said Ham, "and not dirty."
"Yes yes,"purred Whiskers, "I know. You bathe every month and make sure your warts are all nicely filed down."
"Why you stay here kittycat? Nobody to look after you and all alone."
"Wasn't always a cat." answered Whiskers and Ham could have sworn the little black cat winked at him.
"How come you are still in Camelot. I'd have thought you'd be long gone by now?" asked Whiskers.
"Can't find way home. If we go through frontier, we have to get past border keeps and they have lots of spells and traps for hurting friendly trolls."
"They have a portal up at the top tower of the Academy of Magic that can go anywhere." said Whiskers.
"Huh? How you know that?" asked Ham.
"I get around. Got around even more before some bugger turned me into a cat."
Ham wasn't paying too much attention any more though as his mind whirled. A portal that might get them home! Hoorah!
Ham was so focused in fact, he completely failed to notice four city guards until he'd already bumped into them and sent them flying. There was a loud clattering as the four men fell over like skittles, their plate armour which had been previously gleaming, now grimed and muddy.
The guards growled angrily as they rolled around doing a nice tortoise-on-back impersonation before slowly finding their way to their feet. Ham quickly weighed up the situation and decided to run like hell. Whiskers scampered after him, amused at the situation.
Ham ran through the Camelot streets with the four guards after him. Eventually he found his way to Teelf Street and ran inside the shop. Tight shouted through from the back room, "Hello brother troll, I think we out of meat now."
Ham panted and yelled back, "I think I found more brother troll but it really mad at me just now. We got incoming. Get mattock."
Tight beamed as he took his apron off and reached for his mattock
"Righty oh brother troll."
With that he moved through to the front of the shop and stood to one side of the door. A few seconds later the four guards came charging into the shop, weapons drawn and spoiling for a fight.
"Ello piemen!" said Tight as he shut the door behind them. He swung his huge mattock. The four guards, completely dumbfounded at seeing this huge troll in the pie shop stood as if rooted to the spot. The mattock took them down two at a time with such speed it couldn't even really be called a fight. It was somewhat like four rabbits squaring off against a bear that had just come out of hibernation. And Tight had exactly the same intent as said bear once the fight was over.
"Home delivery," nodded Tight approvingly, "fresh meat straight to doorstep. Definately way forward methinks."
"Yes indeed brother troll," said Ham, "I think tinned pies will catch on one day."
Tight set about dragging the bodies through to the back room and removing the packaging the food had arrived in.
"I likes Camelot." said Tight, "More trolls should come here. Lots of good eating."
Ham wasn't listening. His mind was working overtime and working so fast it would almost have kept pace with a comatose otter.
"Wonder if we can make that armour fit us." he mused.
Tight kept working away but answered, "All except the helmets brother troll. Can stick the halves of chest armour on front and back, same with legs. Just can't get helmets on heads."
"They look like buckets brother troll. We could use real buckets."
Tight paused, "What you thinking brother troll?"
"I got an idea brother troll."

 

[Oro]

The next morning, the two trolls set out from the pie shop, reluctantly waving goodbye to their temporary holiday home. Both were wearing a combination of the various armours they'd taken from the unfortunate city guards. Ham inexpertly carried a pike, which wobbled about in his unaccostomed grip. On each of their heads they wore a water pail with roughly gouged out eye slots so they could see where they were going. Well, Ham's had been a water pail. He didn't dare tell his brother where he'd found the other one and hurriedly dismissed any complaints of it smelling. Whiskers perched on Ham's left shoulder and enjoyed the easy ride.
"You're not going to fool anyone you know" said Whiskers.
"Only need to get inside." answered Ham, turning the next street corner.
"Oh well, I'll be off then Ham. Good luck when you get to the Academy, they're not as easy to fool as a few market shoppers."
"Ta Whiskers. Good luck gettin' back your body."
They were just in sight of the Academy when Whiskers jumped down from Ham's shoulder and disappeared up an alley.
"Here we go brother troll," said Ham, looking at the stately buildings and tall spires of the Acdemy.
"This armour too tight, need to get this over with." answered Tight, "I can feel it crushing tender troll bits."
Ham ignored Tight's complaining, "According to inn people, they testing portal at top of that big tower. So that where we go."
"There be guards brother troll."
"Not for long." answered Ham, grinning.
Ham and Tight strolled into the grounds, doing their best to look like guards patrolling. Their lumbering gait did mark them as somewhat different from other guards but they made it to the base of the tower without encountering any difficulty. The various mages Academics wandering the grounds had their faces in books or were deep in discussion with their colleagues. The guards were generally listless and bored. Only an idiot would try to get in here with all the powerful mages in residence.

The two brothers idiot stood in front of the tower door, facing two rather more alert guards, resplendant in their gleaming plate armour.
"Ello lads," said Ham, "We're here to inspect the wossname."
"What wossname?" asked one of the guards.
"You know," answered Ham, " the wossname in wossplace with whoitis messing about with it."
"Huh?" answered both guards together.
"Look, I got orders here," answered Ham, reaching into a pocket. But he didn't pull out any papers or scrolls or anything suchlike. He pulled out two beans.
"What the hell are those?" asked one of the guards.
"That's pass." said Ham, taking a bean in each hand and roughly shoving one into each of the mouths of the guards. Tight followed by holding the guards so they had to swallow. Immediately both guards disappeared.
Tight grinned at Ham, "Nice one brother troll."
"Thankyou brother troll," said Ham, "but they only be at market, we got to go fast now.
The door was locked. This would have been a problem to most.
"I good at picking locks." said Tight, "One moment brother troll."
Tight rubbed his chin for a moment while he pondered the lock mechanism. After seeming to reach some sort of internal decision he pulled out his mattock and shoved the business end straight into the lock, effectively smashing it out of the door and onto the floor behind it. Pushing the now lockless door open he bent over and picked up the lock.
Stroking his mattock he added, "Troll lockpick. State of the art. And See? I picked up lock after. I are clever troll."
"You are indeed, brother troll. Now up the tower quickfast."
Hap paused to place his pike against the door to hold it shut, with one end wedged between a crack in the flagstones. Up the tower's spiraling staircase they went, heavy boots echoing around. They encountered two more guards on a landing of the tower. Two beans later there were two less guards in the way.
"Onward!" commanded Ham.
"Lots of steps. Tight getting tired."
"Quiet brother troll." hissed Ham. They were getting near the top of the tower and Ham could hear voices arguing.
"Look, you can't displace a live body through this thing. It comes out inside out." said one voice.
"Tish tosh. No it doesn't," said another, "its the nature of nature to return entities to their normal state. Anything passing through will be fine." answered another.
A third, higher pitched voice said, "Well you're not getting me into that thing. I like having my organs internal and staying that way."
The owner of the first voice snorted disdain at his fellows.
"Right," whispered Ham, we need these pinkies to work portal for us. No smishing. Got that?"
Tight loooked disappointed but nodded agreement.
"On count of three we charge." said Ham.
Tight went crosseyed thinking about this, and noticing the look on his brother's face, Ham changed his mind, "We just go when I say now I thinks."
Tight nodded, relieved.
"Now" hissed Ham.
The two trolls charged up the last stairs of the tower and onto the final level.

In the middle of the room was a large glowing purple sphere, around which the three mages were standing, arguing.
"Afternoon Gents." said Ham.
Somewhat quicker than you'd expect for someone of his size, Tight leapt forward and scooped up two of the wizards in his arms, immobilising them immediately.
The third wizard started to cast a spell but Ham swept out the legs from under him and he hit the floor with a thud, any notion of spellcasting gone from his mind, which was now more concerned with the oversized boot gently pressing down on his throat.
Ham cleared his throat, "As I said gentlepinks, we are two friendly travellers, in need of some travelling. This is where you come in."
The wizard with the boot on his throat coughed and hissed, "We would NEVER help trolls. We are men of good taste!"
Ham reflected on the last few days in the pie shop, "Yer, that is true. But still. We want to travel and then we out of your way. You can go back to arguing and we test portal for you."
At this the three wizards grew cunning looks. It was like someone threw a switch which changed expressions on their faces simultaneously.
"You want to go through the portal?" asked the wizard under Tight's left arm.
"Yes indeedy. This your lucky day gents. We do service for Albion this day."
There was a loud banging at the bottom of the tower as the sound of men traying to bash the door down echoed up the stairs.
"I think our market shoppers are back brother troll," said Tight.
"Guess they not find anything they like there brother troll." answered Ham, then turned his attention back to the wizards, "Best decide now pinkies. If we have no use for you, we getting to being hungry again."
"Alright," said the wizard under Tight's right arm quickly. We send you through."
"Good answer!" said Ham, happily.
The two trolls released their grips on the wizards but made sure they were behind them and kept a close eye on them for any spells that seemed directed at them.
The wizards closed their eyes and began incanting. The glowing portal changed colour and the centre became a luminous green cloud, boiling into nothing at the edges. The wizards all opened their eyes. The first one said, "Its done. Its opened onto one of your keeps on the frontier."
Tight cheered, and took a step to the portal. Ham grabbed his arm, "one moment brother troll."
Ham took a been from his pouch and gave it to the first wizard, "Hold this".
The wizard gingerly took the bean and asked, "What's this for?"
"If you eat, it take you to market." answered Ham.
"Why in goodness would I want to go there?"
"Cos if portal go somewhere nasty, you checking for us." and with that Ham pushed the wizard into the portal. He screamed as he made contact with the portal and his body instead of disappearing started to melt, the skin dripping until his internal organs were revealed, also boiling away into nothing.
Ham grinned, "silly wizard. Now. Make it work PROPER."
"You STUPID trolls. We can't make another portal now. He was the only one that could create them. We can only AIM the portal." said one of the wizards.
"Don't need new one. Just aim this one." said Ham.
The two, now rather pale, wizards, closed their eyes and began incanting again.
This time the boiling green cloud was replaced by a dim view of snow and hills. On top of one of the hills the unmistakable outline of a Midgardian keep could be made out.
Ham grunted approvingly. There was the sound of wood splintering downstairs.
"No more time brother troll." said Tight, as he peered down the stairs to see guards rushing up.
Indeed brother troll." said Ham.
"Snack for the journey brother troll?" asked Tight.
"Waste not want not, brother troll." answered Ham.
With that they each adminstered a bone crunching knockout punch to the two wizards, and tucked them under their arms. Without wasting any more time, they jumped through the portal, which abruptly close, then turned to nothing after them.

A few days later, ham was wandering around Galplen market with Tight when once again they saw the little kobold that had set them off on their merry adventure.
"Hello little kobold." said Ham good naturedly.
"Er, hello there." said the Lurgio nervously.
"Those beans good. We had nice holiday thanks." said Tight.
"Oh. Good. Jolly good." answered Lurgio, backing away slightly.
"But we wanted to thank you properly." said Ham.
"Oh?" said the kobold, stopping.
"Yes." said Tight, reaching for Lurgio, who didn't quite manage to get away in time.
"Here," said Ham, his hand closing in on the kobold's mouth, "have our last bean."

 

[Cookie]

Very nice work again Roo
I enjoyed it a lot! Hope to hear more of Ham Fisted in the future!

 

[Auser]

very good, nice reading as allways Roo

 

[Sulphur]

Love these stories!

 

[Jorma]

Your storys are great, keep 'em coming

 

[old.Tohtori]

Ecxellence in writing. Reminds me of an old book about two finnish soldiers... ah the memories.

 

[Crash]

god you should make a online archive of stories , because i love this stories so much lol MORE HAM!"!!!!!!

 

[Matriarch|Sneakers]

Superb writing mate :E

 

[Oro]

Cheers chaps

This is one story where I had to cut quite a lot of ideas out to keep it reasonably short. For instance, I was going to have our two brother trolls ending up in Camelot Castle, delivering pies to the king which they'd made from Albions. It would have started to make it too long though and didn't really advance the plot though the thought of feeding the king pies made out of his subjects really did tickle me.

Same with Whiskers, throwaway story line couldn't resist chucking in there.

Actually it might be fun if GOA did a compo for someone to come up with the most entertaining background story for Whiskers. If Whiskers had been turned into a cat and hadn't always been a cat, where does he come from? He does enjoy realm-guard status after all.

Not sure when the next Ham Fisted adventure will be. Got some ideas and it might be time for everyone to meet his mum, Ma Fisted, a very forthright and strong willed lady. And then of course there's the drip feeding a bit more about Ham's geas.

Lots of real life stuff coming up next few weeks so both game time and stupidity time is somewhat curtailed

 

[Hargh]

Is he taking up farming then?

 

[Tasslehoff]

Great story Roo Keep em coming :]

 

[Darklis]

ok you were right I really enjoyed it

D xx

 

[MaditioN]

GIFV MORE!! ham roxxor the boxxor imo, the wardrobe roxxored too, start writing such stories fulltime imo roo! (need something to please me at work )

 

[Tilda]

Thats an awesome story
Keep em comming!

Tilda

 

[Phule_Gubben]

Sweet story indeed. Many laughs i had and i'll prolly have more of em in the next story.

Keep it up!

 

[Dr_Evil]

Awesome! I'm really looking forward to reading the next one now.

 

[Ljuvasara]

Wonderful! Could hardly put it down! (or, ya'know, alt-tab to check how our grp was doing during our insane pulls) hoping that youll keep doing this :worthy:

 

[Commandment]

Very good m8

keep it comming

 

[Sye]

again a superb story

 

[Phule_Gubben]

Superstories indeed. I feel the urge to bump em all up so that newcomers can read em.

 

[Mey]

They are worth a read for anyone who hasn't read them!