NOW is the time for JOKES!!

[Ezteq]

[edit] OMG!! i've always wanted to know what the tiny pianist joke was!!!! thank you thank you, youve made an old merc very happy!! :worthy:



and btw that joke about chucking the money in the air and what god wants he keeps was actually in the movie "short circuit" and starred the delightful steve guttenberg... and i don't think he'd be anti-semitising.

also btw that pig with the flickknife joke rocks!


[sponsored by BTW... the friendly company.. no subliminal advertising here folks!]

 

[old.Tohtori]

An old race horse and a new race horse were talking in the stables. The old horse said: "Oh my, i'm in the top of my years and soon i'll be taking that last trip to the pearly gates."

The young horse replied: "Well i'm feeling great!" while stomping around, all proud. "I could beat any horse in this stable, no, the world!"

The old horse snorted and said in a deep voice "You know, i used to be the champion horse around. I still could show you a thing or two."

The young horse laughed and said "You couldn't beat a tortoise, look at you, you're old and rugged."

"I'll show you rugged you whippersnapper!" The old horse stomped the ground.

"Come on then! There's a racetrack right outside!" The young horse challenged, knowing he could easily beat the old one.

"Fine, i will, i'll take you to horse school!" the old horse said and trotted off to the track.

The young one scraped the ground and said "Ready....set....go!!"

The young horse went off like a rocket, running as fast as it could along the track with the dustcloud covering the old horse who jogged along in a slow pace. The young horse looked back at the old horse.

After 300 feet, the old horse was a 100 feet behind.

After 600 feet, the old horse was 200 feet behind.

After a full length on the track, the old horse was allready half way behind!

The young horse thought to himself "I can't let that old man loose, look at him, he's pathetic...i'll just..yes..."

Right before the finish line the young horse did a flip, a stumble and fell down on the ground like a WWF fighter on a really good day. It was quite a show. The old horse came slowly, wheezing and breathing heavily as it spoke. "Get up, i know what you're trying to pull off."

The young horse complained "Oh my knee! My knee! I can't go on! You won old man!"

The old horse snorted and kicked the young one on the side "Get up you! I'm not taking any pity wins from a young snappy guy like you!"

"Oh no! I'm really REALLY hurt...mmhm...ow...ow..."

On the nearby stable, the stable cleaner looked at the two horses and said:

"Well fuck me! Talking horses."

 

[Ezteq]

Bwahahahaha ooh seel your soo rugged!

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

An old race horse and a new race horse were talking in the stables. The old horse said: "Oh my, i'm in the top of my years and soon i'll be taking that last trip to the pearly gates."

The young horse replied: "Well i'm feeling great!" while stomping around, all proud. "I could beat any horse in this stable, no, the world!"

The old horse snorted and said in a deep voice "You know, i used to be the champion horse around. I still could show you a thing or two."

The young horse laughed and said "You couldn't beat a tortoise, look at you, you're old and rugged."

"I'll show you rugged you whippersnapper!" The old horse stomped the ground.

"Come on then! There's a racetrack right outside!" The young horse challenged, knowing he could easily beat the old one.

"Fine, i will, i'll take you to horse school!" the old horse said and trotted off to the track.

The young one scraped the ground and said "Ready....set....go!!"

The young horse went off like a rocket, running as fast as it could along the track with the dustcloud covering the old horse who jogged along in a slow pace. The young horse looked back at the old horse.

After 300 feet, the old horse was a 100 feet behind.

After 600 feet, the old horse was 200 feet behind.

After a full length on the track, the old horse was allready half way behind!

The young horse thought to himself "I can't let that old man loose, look at him, he's pathetic...i'll just..yes..."

Right before the finish line the young horse did a flip, a stumble and fell down on the ground like a WWF fighter on a really good day. It was quite a show. The old horse came slowly, wheezing and breathing heavily as it spoke. "Get up, i know what you're trying to pull off."

The young horse complained "Oh my knee! My knee! I can't go on! You won old man!"

The old horse snorted and kicked the young one on the side "Get up you! I'm not taking any pity wins from a young snappy guy like you!"

"Oh no! I'm really REALLY hurt...mmhm...ow...ow..."

On the nearby stable, the stable cleaner looked at the two horses and said:

"Well fuck me! Talking horses."

and then the stable cleaner spotted teh Seal with a laptop typing all this up ... upon seeing this the stable hand collasped in a heap.

 

[DocWolfe]

anti-semitic.. not anti-semantic.. thas a different kettle of fish.. jsut had a discussion with my office and they said its close to anti-semetic.. if its upsets any1 i humbly apologise.. i did mot mean it in that fashion. but i implore the admins to keep this thread open indefinitely as its the only thing that keeps my office functioning

I was making a point, that jupitus closed a thread for no reason simply because the word jew was in it.

 

[Kasall]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a €5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only €40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by Cheque. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[Mybuddies]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4thNovember 2004
RE: Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!


We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa
Claus!


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

A very Merry Christmas to you and your family

Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'..

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.

There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.



Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.



FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first..

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director>
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink,drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!




FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

 

[DocWolfe]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4thNovember 2004
RE: Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!


We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa
Claus!


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

A very Merry Christmas to you and your family

Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'..

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.

There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.



Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.



FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first..

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director>
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink,drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!




FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Thats not funny, cause its true

 

[pip]

Duck walks into chemist says can i have some lypsyl ladys says that be 95p

Duck says stick it on my bill

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

Duck walks into chemist says can i have some lypsyl ladys says that be 95p

Duck says stick it on my bill

 

[Vladamir]

This one time, Pip was walking down the street. He slipped on a banana that the crafty Outlander had left craftily placed, and fell flat on his face!. His 7 other hunterm8s just laughed at him.

Best joke ever.

 

[Overdriven]

I once prevented a girl from getting raped.

I saw her sitting in the park, so I walked to her to check her and but then I walked away.

Retard, get a fucking life. I won't say more as I like this forum..





Most of the other jokes kick ass. :[

 

[pip]

This one time, Pip was walking down the street. He slipped on a banana that the crafty Outlander had left craftily placed, and fell flat on his face!. His 7 other hunterm8s just laughed at him.

Best joke ever.

nah knock knock whos there vladamir
vladamir who
you no that gimpy fart from alb
ho that retard

 

[Lamp]

Thats not funny, cause its true

Oh please.

 

[Mybuddies]

Thats not funny, cause its true

I know.

My wife's a HR Manager.

Cheer up, it's Christmas!

 

[Kasall]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the pool balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cocktail cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a cocktail cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[Kasall]

A Blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to canvass a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said: "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband. "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" she asked. The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. ”You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Kasall]

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual Christmas packing...but there were problems everywhere. Four of the temps were sick, and the trainee packers did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that more Temps were being sent. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the shift managers, he found that one of them was about to go on holiday and two had jumped the fence and were out of there, heaven knows where. More Stress!!!! Then when he began to load his sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toys fell to the ground and scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a huge shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the office floor. He went to get the broom and found that the warehouse mouse had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the announcement system went and Santa cussed on his way to the reception. He opened the reception door and there was a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!!!!!!!

 

[Grimnna]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the pool balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cocktail cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a cocktail cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Almost got fired for lauging to loud