NOW is the time for JOKES!!

[Haggus]

On an aussy radio station, the man anounces that he is looking for a word that is NOT in the dictionary and can be used in a sentence.

After about 10 mins the phone rings:

(P.S remember to say this in a australian accent)

"G'day mate! whats your word?" says the DJ.

"Well mate, it's Gaaan."

"Well ok mate, now put it into a sentance..."

"Gaaan fuck yaself."

The DJ puts the phone down immediatly and apologies to the listners about the foul language. 5 Minutes after than he gets another phone call.

"G'day mate. Listen.. I'm sorry for swearing, I won'd do it again !"

"Ok mate no worries."

"i've got another word though !" says the man enthusiasticly

"Ok mate what is it" The DJ sighs.

"It's ShmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeeee"

"Hmm.... well ok mate now put it into a sentance"

"ShmeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeeeeee again gaaan fuck yaself !"

 

[Haggus]

lol that fastest cake in the world joke is soo funny when they pronounce it scone instead of sgone

You mean Sgone insteat of scone ?

 

[Chronictank]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her details and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

"Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.


correct me if i got it wrong going from memory

 

[Ezteq]

You mean Sgone insteat of scone ?

lol no i mean s-cone (the posh way) if you say it like that you kind of kill the whole joke (its what happens when someones nan tries to tell a joke) velly funny.

 

[Kasall]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state they find themselves desperate for a wee.At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish, they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So the first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away. The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon. 'just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.Their task is completed the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second-" we need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night! "You think you've got problems" explains the second husband. My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her a*** that said, "we'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station"

 

[Kasall]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

[Ormorof]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state they find themselves desperate for a wee.At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish, they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with. So the first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away. The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon. 'just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.Their task is completed the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second-" we need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last night! "You think you've got problems" explains the second husband. My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her a*** that said, "we'll never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station"

hahahahahah so class

 

[Laddey]

lol

you heard that one in a movie right?

I made it up!

 

[Rhori]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

lol good one

 

[Laddey]

On an aussy radio station, the man anounces that he is looking for a word that is NOT in the dictionary and can be used in a sentence.

After about 10 mins the phone rings:

(P.S remember to say this in a australian accent)

"G'day mate! whats your word?" says the DJ.

"Well mate, it's Gaaan."

"Well ok mate, now put it into a sentance..."

"Gaaan fuck yaself."

The DJ puts the phone down immediatly and apologies to the listners about the foul language. 5 Minutes after than he gets another phone call.

"G'day mate. Listen.. I'm sorry for swearing, I won'd do it again !"

"Ok mate no worries."

"i've got another word though !" says the man enthusiasticly

"Ok mate what is it" The DJ sighs.

"It's ShmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeeee"

"Hmm.... well ok mate now put it into a sentance"

"ShmeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeeeeee again gaaan fuck yaself !"

haha quality :worthy:

 

[kirennia]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

hahahaha, nice one

 

[kirennia]

Oops, forgot to add my own joke.


It had been a year since this mans wife had become ill and recently she had fallen into a coma. Sadly the doctors at the time had said there was nothing they could do but the man refused to turn off his wifes life support machine. As on a normal day, he walked sadly into the hospital but this time he found a doctor outside the room. Asking the doctor how his wife was, he said:

"You see, I'm really sorry to hear about your wife sir but there is something I feel I need to tell you although I'm afraid it's a bit of an embarressing subject."

"What, what" the man askes.

The doctor let out a long sigh and exclaimed "well whilst one of the bed nurses was changing your wifes cheets, she accidentally wiped her hand across your wifes breast and she seemed to respond. I'm not saying that it was of any significance but right now I'm stumped and am desperate to find out how to awake your wife."

The puzzled man didn't know why he was being told this and on asking the doctor what he should do about it, he replied "well this is a private room and I was thinking that maybe whilst you're in there, you could try this yourself to see if there is any responce."

Th man walked into the room still very glum but a few minutes later he appeared out of the room with an almighty smile on his face and ran upto the doctor and hugged him. "yes, YES it most definitely did something doc, she moaned and moved around in her bed whilst I did it".

"Great" the doctor said.

"Maybe it'd help if you were to go and do somethingelse. Maybe fondle with her a bit down south if you know what I mean" the doctor said.

The man knowing exactly what the doctor meant went into the room and again a few minutes later came out of the room but this time he was even happier!

"Her moans were even louder that time, I swear she wasn't far from waking up when I did it!"

"That's magnificent" the doctor said.

"Now I know this against hospital policy and all but I guess it may well be worth trying to give your wife some oral to see if that'll make her respond even more."

The man once again rushed back into the room but this time, after a few minutes the cardiograph started sounding and the emergency doctor staff ran into the room but it was too late, she had passed away.

The doctor sat down next to the now crying man outside the room and asked "what the hell happened?! it was all going so well"

"I think she choked" he said.

 

[Haggus]

lol

 

[Outlander]

another crap man/woman joke



Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

 

[DirtyDiana]

Whats yellow, smells like banana's and hangs from trees?

----------
----------






---
-

MONKEY PUKE!!!!

 

[Laddey]

another crap man/woman joke



Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

lol :worthy:

 

[Jai13]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her details and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

"Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.


correct me if i got it wrong going from memory

Rep for you

 

[Kasall]

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

 

[Cozak]

Q: What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A: A Start

Q: Why are chavs like Slinkies?
A: They have no real use, but its great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Q: What do you call a 30year old chav girl?
A: A Granny

 

[mordsythe]

before i start i wiant to A: thank all of u for some great jokes.. and
B: apologise for my upcoming jokes. i got told virtually all these jokes by my MUM so dont blame me pls.

how many men does it take to change a lightbulb... None. let the b1tch cook in the dark.

Y have women got legs.... cos uve seen the mess a slug makes..

what do u do if the dishwasher packs up.. slap her

(i think this one will upset some peeps.. i dont find this one appropriate but i feel i should share)
what do you say to a woman with two black eyes... nothing u already told her twice.. (IM SORRY)

y have women got little feet... so they can get closer to the sink.

a woman and 2 men are walking down the road and the woman says "oooohh... look a dead bird"
the men start looking up saying "where" (thas for all u ladies out there )

whats big pink and hard?? a pig with a flick knife

whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch?? kermit in a blender..

whats green and smells of pork?? kermits cock

 

[DocWolfe]

(i think this one will upset some peeps.. i dont find this one appropriate but i feel i should share)
what do you say to a woman with two black eyes... nothing u already told her twice.. (IM SORRY)

What are you on about, nothing more appropriate than beating a woman into submission...

 

[Mybuddies]

Old but still tickles me..

Q: What's Brown and Sticky?


A: A Stick

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

what do you call a boomerange that doesn't come back ?

a stick


what's white and swings through the trees ?

Tarzan the fridge.

what's white and blue and swings throug the trees ?

Tarzan the fridge with jeans on.

What is big , green , has six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you ?

a snooker table



Thank you , thank you .. i'll be here all week =)

 

[Kasall]

A Rabbi & a Priest are involved in a serious car accident. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the holy men are hurt. After they crawl out of the wrecks the Rabbi sees the Priest’s collar and says “So you are a priest, I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars, there’s nothing left, but we are both unhurt, this must be a sign from God, God must have meant that we should meet & become good friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”. The Priest replies “I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God & look at this?” says the Rabbi “here’s another miracle my car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kosher wine didn’t break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune” so he hands the bottle of wine to the Priest who takes several big swigs & hands the bottle back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in & hands it back to the Priest. “Aren’t you having any” asks the Priest, “No” says the Rabbi “I think I’ll wait for the police”.

 

[mordsythe]

Here's another one:
A Catholic priest, a Lutheran priest and a Rabbi discuss on how they distribute the offerings from the Congregation:

Catholic Priest: Of what I get from the tray of Donnations, I give 75% to the poor and the rest I keep for God and Church
Lutheran priest: Of what I get from the tray of Donnations, I give 80% to the poor and the rest I keep for God and Church
Rabbi: I throw upwards the contents of the tray of donnations, as high as possible; God can take what he wants and the rest I keep for myself

 

[DocWolfe]

Here's another one:
A Catholic priest, a Lutheran priest and a Rabbi discuss on how they distribute the offerings from the Congregation:

Catholic Priest: Of what I get from the tray of Donnations, I give 75% to the poor and the rest I keep for God and Church
Lutheran priest: Of what I get from the tray of Donnations, I give 80% to the poor and the rest I keep for God and Church
Rabbi: I throw upwards the contents of the tray of donnations, as high as possible; God can take what he wants and the rest I keep for myself

omg quick close this thread Jupitus! its anti-semantic... just like Tis-mes thread which had both Christian and Jew in it, but was deemed anti-semantic and was closed! quick! https://forums.freddyshouse.com/showthread.php?t=181534

 

[mordsythe]

doc.. thas not anti-semantic.. and would you believe i dont even know wot it means but on a serious notes... NO SERIOUSNESS ALLOWED HERE!! NOW IS THE TIME FOR J.O.K.E.S.!!!!!!! so come on.. keep them coming.. its about time that we had a joke from a GM/admin isnt it.. prove u have a sense of humour.. i know its there.. i have faith

 

[mordsythe]

anti-semitic.. not anti-semantic.. thas a different kettle of fish.. jsut had a discussion with my office and they said its close to anti-semetic.. if its upsets any1 i humbly apologise.. i did mot mean it in that fashion. but i implore the admins to keep this thread open indefinitely as its the only thing that keeps my office functioning

 

[Lamp]

I don't think that joke was anti-semitic.

Off topic: Thought it sucked when the British Navy had to take down the St. George flag on the basis that it might offend members of minority religions/ethnicities. Try going to a country where Christianity is a minority religion and see how well asking that country's national flag / emblem be taken down as it might offend. I have no problem with being sensitive to other ppl's religions etc but I think Labour have got it all wrong. Thatcher pwnd.

 

[Kasall]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a
small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart. "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it. "So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.”I will grant you one wish. Just one wish.. each person is allowed only one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?