NOW is the time for JOKES!!

[confused]

How are marriage and a hurrican the same?

both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you loose your house

think you'll find the joke is:

How are women and a hurricane similar,
when they first arrive, they're all wet, but when they leave they take your car and your house with them...


Traffic quote

 

[DrunkSkunk]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

this 1 is so good xD

 

[Vladamir]

4 chavs drive off a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova, whats the problem?.

A nova has 5 seats

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

 

[Mybuddies]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in
there with her....... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a
flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."


"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle
and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.


"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....."

 

[Kasall]

What Site U Taking These From?

None m8 i'm just a funny guy with a good memory for jokes

 

[Kasall]

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and robbed, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

[Ormorof]

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and robbed, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

LOL

 

[MaCaBr3]

I once prevented a girl from getting raped.

I saw her sitting in the park, so I walked to her to check her and but then I walked away.

 

[Ormorof]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said:

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing Excel error messages.

ok ok so not very dirty, but made me laugh

have a dirty one:

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

 

[spanxx]

I once prevented a girl from getting raped.

I saw her sitting in the park, so I walked to her to check her and but then I walked away.

disgusting and not funny imo

 

[MaCaBr3]

LMAO disgusting. Can understand if you find it stupid and not funny. But disgusting. ROFL

 

[Lamp]

, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

Ewww lol not heard that one before. <tries to erase mental picture permanently from memory>

 

[Kadayn]

*Warning Very Sick paedophile Joke, Not Funny*

What's the worse thing about going down on bold pussy?
Putting the nappy back on after words.

I heard this joke the other day and I though it was sick and not funny.

 

[Samaroon EatsCheese]

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and robbed, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

rofl class xD

and Ormorof, thats horrible

 

[Ezteq]

how'd ya circumcise a redneck?

kick his sister in the jaw.

 

[Ezteq]

hehe just recalled this old fave.

bunch of kids on a school field trip to a venison farm, they arrive at noon so go straight to the canteen for lunch where they try some venison during the meal the teacher says "Ok kids who can tell me what venison is?...yes gill"

gill "please miss is it chicken?"

miss "No gill, anyone else?... susan?"

susan "please miss is it beef miss?"

miss "No susan, anyone else?"

miss "no? i'll give you a clue, its what your mummy calls your daddy"








billy "STOP!!! DONT EAT IT ITS ARSEHOLES!!!!!"

 

[Adoctor]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

 

[Ballard]

lol nice one adoctor :worthy:

 

[leviathane]

hehe gave me a giggle xD

 

[Morphius]

Why cant whores pee in the morning?

ever tried peeling apart a toasted cheese sandwich.

 

[Ezteq]

Why cant whores pee in the morning?

ever tried peeling apart a toasted cheese sandwich.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlolwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

[Outlander]

a toasted cheese sandwich.

mmmmmm

 

[Yshynsin]

Two men walked into a phone booth and tried to ring eachother.


There was a man who went into a pub, he saw a beautiful women sitting down, he asked her out, they both got pissed at a night club and she went back to his place, and notice shelf after shelf of cuddly toys, she ignored it and after a night of great passion they both woke up the next morning, she goes that was great. he says, Pick any prize from the middle shelf, Love.

 

[mikke]

How are marriage and a hurrican the same?

both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you loose your house

lol

you heard that one in a movie right?

 

[mordsythe]

keep them coming ladies and gents.. this is great. . . we are the hit of my office

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away".

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said

"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop. Amputation not necesally."

Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

 

[mordsythe]

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

 

[mordsythe]

Q: What are the bumps for around a woman's nipples?
A: It's Braille for "Suck here"!

 

[Outlander]

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

nice

 

[Haggus]

a blonde and a brunete (sp? ) decide to commit suicide together so they leave a note to there loving husbands and telling them the sad news.

They both reach the end of a cliff and they both get ready to jump...
Brunete: Are you ready my dear?
Blonde: I am

the next day the blonde returns home ! The man is amazed that she didn't kill herself and the blonde says. "well I couldn't find the way down!".

Three people in a lift, a REALLY really fit woman, a man and santa claus. Theres a £50 note on the floor, who would pick it up first?

The MAN because the other two don't exsist !



What do you call a gay dinosour?
Mega-sore-arse

What do you call a lesbian Dinosour?
Lick-a-lot-o-puss

I don't think I want to go down the reacist jokes... ;/

Whats white and can't climb tree's?
A fridge!

Whats teh fastest cake in the world ?
sc000000000000ne

Omg my spelling skills today, apologies

 

[Ezteq]

lol that fastest cake in the world joke is soo funny when they pronounce it scone instead of sgone