NOW is the time for JOKES!!

[mordsythe]

ok ladies and germs.. i wanna get a joke thread going.. i wanna hear the rudest, filthiest jokees u guys and girls have

ill start witha tame joke and thn if you guys got some fun ones ill drop a few "rude" jokes in..

how does an american hold her liquor?

By the ears.

 

[Afran]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

=p

 

[Naffets]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

=p

lol, rep for you

 

[Marc]

It's rumoured that towards his last hours, George Best requested someone to put him out of his misery and shoot him....

Someone asked him if he had any special request for personnel to carry this out...

He replied, "anyone but Peter Crouch".

 

[Kasall]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. Betty pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. ‘What on earth is that’ asked her friend Mavis. ‘A condom’ says Betty ‘This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet’ ‘Where can I get one?’ asks Mavis ‘Oh, at any chemist’ Betty replies. The next day Mavis hobbles to the chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age) and asks delicately what brand she prefers. ‘Doesn’t matter son’ she says ‘as long as it fits a camel’.

 

[Kasall]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked?
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

[Kasall]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[Marc]

Whats the difference between Acne and gary glitter?

acne waits till you're 13 before it comes on your face.

 

[Deld]

Whats the difference between Acne and gary glitter?

acne waits till you're 13 before it comes on your face.

Harsh but lol.

 

[Tasslehoff]

It's rumoured that towards his last hours, George Best requested someone to put him out of his misery and shoot him....

Someone asked him if he had any special request for personnel to carry this out...

He replied, "anyone but Peter Crouch".

You must spread rep around before giving it to Marc again

Enjoyed the joke though!

And lol at Kasall's jokes!

 

[Rhori]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

that's worth a rep

 

[Haggus]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better..........thank you for shopping at Asda.

 

[Blackjack]

hehe some good ones in there

 

[Laddey]

How are marriage and a hurrican the same?

both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you loose your house

 

[Blackjack]

A man and a woman, who have never before met, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep early and quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At:1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman below him saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight,let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims, getting all excited, "I like it!" "I'm glad," she replies. "Now get your own f**ing blanket."

 

[Rookiescot]

Guy goes to a job agency in Glasgow...
The clerk behind the counter says "I've got just the job for you mate. How do you fancy being a fanny trimmer?"

"WTF is a fanny trimmer" says the guy?

Clerk says "Well you know how all those women who make porn films have nice neat trimmed fannies? Well thats what this is. You do the trimming".

"WOW !!! Your right mate !!! That does sound like a cool job. What do I have to do now?" says the guy

Clerk says "Well first you have to fill out this form and then go to Manchester"

Guy says "Manchester ? Is that where the job is?"

"No mate" says the clerk "Thats where the end of the queue is".

 

[fl3a]

a chav walks into an employment office and says 'i would like to have a job please'. the clerk says 'sure i think we got a job for you, can you drive fast tuned cars?'. 'can i!' answers the chav, totally excited. 'are you ok with driving around with a rich nymphomaniac model who needs to be pleasured by her driver many times a day?' is the clerks next question. the chav is getting excited 'OH MY GOD YEAH'. the last question by the clerk is 'is 20000£ a tolerable amount to recieve every month?'. the chav cant believe it and goes 'YOU GOTTA BE BULLSHITTING ME'. 'well yeah, you started it!' is the answer

 

[mordsythe]

ok guys.. i am loving what i am seeing so far. lets not let this trail off.. u are keeping me howling at work ( and god knows i need a good larf here )

a man walks in to a pub with a little green man on his shoulder.
The barman lokos at the man curiously but manages to ask "What can i get you sir?"

The man replies "can i have 2 pints of lager. one for me and one for my little green man?"

the pair drink their beers and then the little green man runs as fast as he can and jams his head in the rather muscular man at the end of the bars pint and starts shaking it around, takes it out and runs back. the muscle man looks confused but carries on drinking.

"2 more beers here" asks the little green man.

once again upon drinking their beers the little green man runs to the otha end of the bar, jams his head in the muscle mans pint and starts shaking it around then runs back.

the muscle man is not happy now but carries on drinking.

2 more beers are ordered and drunk and yet again the green man runs to the otha end of the bar and jams his head in the mans pint...

well the mans had enough by now and grabs the little green man by the throat, picks him up and looks hims squarely in the eye and tells him "If you do that once more im gonna rip your cock off and make you eat it"

with a smug the green man tells him "not got a cock"

he tells the green man "then i will shove my hand so far up your arse i will be able to use you as a glove"

"Not got an arse" says the green man.

"well how the fuck do u take a piss or a shit?" asks mr muscleman

with that the little green man starts to shake his head.

 

[Mybuddies]

A man steps on his wife's pet white rabbit and accidentally kills it. 'Uh oh' he thinks, better replace it FAST. So he goes to the pet shop.

'I need a white rabbit today!' he says.
'We've only 1 white rabbit left and it's £500' replies the shopkeeper.
'£500! That's a bloody rip-off!' says the man and makes to leave the shop.
'Ah, but this is no ordinary white rabbit' says the shopkeeper, 'I'ts 3 feet high'.
'Well, that's pretty impressive' the man replies, 'but it's still not worth £500'.

The shopkeeper glances round and locks the door of the shop.

'Well, there is ONE more thing about it...' he says furtively. 'This rabbit will give you the BEST blow job you have ever had!'

The man is clearly doubtful, so the shopkeeper continues 'I tell you what, here is the rabbit' (and produces the rabbit from behind the counter), 'Give me £50 deposit and take it into the back room. If you are not stisfied, I'll refund your money, otherwise you buy the rabbit. Agreed?'

The man agrees, hands over his £50 and goes into the back room with the rabbit.

Some time later, he emerges with the biggest grin on his face.

'Oh my God!' he says, 'You were right! Here's the rest of the money. I'll take it!'. And off he goes home with the rabbit.

By the time he gets home, his wife is already there, in the kitchen preparing dinner. The man walks into the kitchen with the rabbit.

'Hey!' says the man, 'I got a new rabbit! It's 3 foot high!'.

His wife looks the rabbit up and down and says to her husband 'and just what on earth am I supposed to do with that??'

Her husband replies:







Teach it to cook. Then fuck off.

 

[mordsythe]

2 guys talking in a pub. Dave turns to Phil and says "you know i reckon i'm about ready for a holiday, only this time i'm gonna do it differently."
"The last few years I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago i went to Tenerife, and my wife, got pregnant. Then last year you told me to go to the bahamas and marie got pregnant again.
Phil says "So what you gonna do differently this year mate?"

Dave says "this year im taking Marie with me"

 

[Naffets]

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony,

... the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Not a rude joke but made me laugh anyway

 

[Anny]

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"

A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"

Suddenly it all happened, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water. The moral of this story is ...

"Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet"

 

[Mybuddies]

Another Rabbit Joke...

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

 

[Minimac]

Doctor says to George best
"Iv some good news and bad news"
George says
"Whats the bad news doctor?"
Doctor says
"You will die in 1 hour"
George says
"And the good news doc?"
Doctor says:
"Pubs 10 minutes round the corner"

Yes its sad but funny

 

[Kasall]

Malcolm and Maureen were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Malcolm suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Maureen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Malcolm out. When the medical director became aware of Maureen's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Maureen the news he said, "Maureen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." “The bad news is, Malcolm, the patient you saved, hanged himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." ............................ Maureen replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."

 

[Kasall]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. “When I married your mother, the first thing I did when I got home was to take off my trousers” he said “I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me, that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were to large. I told her of course they’re too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, ever since that day we have never had a single problem….” Jack took his fathers advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn’t possibly wear them. “Exactly” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don’t want you to forget that”. Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can’t possibly get into your knickers” said Jack. “Exactly” replied Jill “and if you don’t change your flaming attitude………you never will”.

 

[Minimac]

What Site U Taking These From?

 

[DocWolfe]

Doctor says to George best
"Iv some good news and bad news"
George says
"Whats the bad news doctor?"
Doctor says
"You will die in 1 hour"
George says
"And the good news doc?"
Doctor says:
"Pubs 10 minutes round the corner"

Yes its sad but funny

The actual joke is...

DOCTOR: "Hi George, Ive some good news and bad news"
BEST: "Whats the bad news doctor?"
DOCTOR: "You've got one hour left to live"
BEST: "Oh, so whats the good news doc?"
DOCTOR: "It's happy hour!"

 

[cHodAX]

Whats the difference between Acne and gary glitter?

acne waits till you're 13 before it comes on your face.

Just choked on my dinner when I read that

 

[Minimac]

The actual joke is...

DOCTOR: "Hi George, Ive some good news and bad news"
BEST: "Whats the bad news doctor?"
DOCTOR: "You've got one hour left to live"
BEST: "Oh, so whats the good news doc?"
DOCTOR: "It's happy hour!"

Used my memory m8 instead of Copying from other web site