S
Shatari
Guest
I'll probably regret that I've been writting this. I don't normally share my life with people, but as I don't feel I can speak with my relatives about it, then this is the only way I can speak about it.
It's a lovely weather outside and I would under normal circumstances sunbath with a glass of water/juice. I need to study for my exam tomorrow, so I would probably under normal circumstances also sit with my book and notes, while sunbathing.
You would probably ask why I'm sitting inside infront of my computer in this nice weather, and also ask why I don't spend my time studying, when I got exam tomorrow. Last you probably also ask yourselves why I'm using a title "My life in ruins", so where do I start telling my story? Well, I guess you need the beginning:
I'm a 19 year old male near the 20. I'm adopted. Since I became a Danish citizen in 1988 I've known this girl, that has been one of my closest/best friends in my entire life. When we were younger, we had alot of fun, playing all kinds of games. She's pretty much the opposite of me, she's the funny, openminded and not to forget that she's very beautiful.
Later in my years, I came to a point where you go much up in how you look (at least some does), and at that time I realised I didn't look very good. You know, teenage syphtoms and etc. I began to hide myself, didn't want to take a shover with the other boys after gym, didn't want to do much, just hide myself. It was at that time I began to play alot of games, so I could get away from the real world. It was a strange feeling, to live yourself into a world that has been designed and are not real.
I dragged myself away from the real world, away from people and I only had really close/bestfriends remaining (One of my best friends from the time I went in school, has also played Dark Age of Camelot along with me). My friends helped me through it, and the girl I mentioned earlier did especially help. She moved my limits, the limits I've made in frustrations and made me more open again.
It was in my 13 year, the unexpected happened: I feel in love with her suddenly. I don't know why, I have never had that feeling before. I tried to hide it, because I did already know she has never thought about me in that way (and don't want to). In the first year I was jealous on everybody (without lying) that moved near her, so I tried to ease it down, by not seeing her that much in that year. It helped a little, and I could look upon her again, but still with the loving feeling inside me.
In my later years my face has become better, and my scars on my body better. I tried to go to parties, but I just don't feel like them anymore. The feeling I got inside me, is the one that old people got. You're happy on their ways, when you see the others smiling and having fun, but just don't feel you're a part of it anymore.
You do at this time probably think I've never been offered a relationship/date with a female, but the funny thing is I've actually had a couple of such offers (yes, they looked good, so no reason to come with silly jokes). The problem is I just didn't feel I was ready for it, in other words it scared the hell out of me and I was also affraid of what they might had thought, when they saw how many scars I had on my body. You can say, I didn't feel I was good enough for them, and wanted to wait.
Later in my years (almost now), I've seen this girl I've known since childhood again. Not that I've not seen her before that, because I have, it's just that the loving feeling (that almost looks like madness to me) I tried to held down, has come back. It feels like I'm crushed inside. Actually I've felt that since I feel in love with her, but it became better, just to become worse again.
I told her recently about my feelings and it was good, she was happy for it. Now yesterday I felt so crushed inside, that I send her a mail (I don't got the guts to tell her in person) that it probably would be the best not to see her again. On msn she told me "That's something you just can't do", and told me that her family loves me dearly and that it would hurt them too. The truth is that I'm splitted inside, because I do actually really want to see her again, but again it hurts me each time. She did also tell me that I should just hold the feeling a little down and try control it.
Here comes my questions:
1) Should I apologise to the girl from my childhood, and just ask her to forget it? And if so, what should I do to hold down the feeling? If you got other suggestions tell me, because I'm more confussed than ever.
2) In my later years I've felt the need to... yeah, see other people and make my circle of friends bigger. My friendcircle has grown very slim, as some of elder friends has now got girlfriends and has moved out different places in appartments. The problem is, I just don't feel I can speak to people or that I'm apart of the community, when I go to parties. What can/should I do about this?
There's probably some questions I've forgotten to ask, so if you want you can add more. I would also be very happy if people would share some experiences, as I need something to take me a little away from this mess.
It's a lovely weather outside and I would under normal circumstances sunbath with a glass of water/juice. I need to study for my exam tomorrow, so I would probably under normal circumstances also sit with my book and notes, while sunbathing.
You would probably ask why I'm sitting inside infront of my computer in this nice weather, and also ask why I don't spend my time studying, when I got exam tomorrow. Last you probably also ask yourselves why I'm using a title "My life in ruins", so where do I start telling my story? Well, I guess you need the beginning:
I'm a 19 year old male near the 20. I'm adopted. Since I became a Danish citizen in 1988 I've known this girl, that has been one of my closest/best friends in my entire life. When we were younger, we had alot of fun, playing all kinds of games. She's pretty much the opposite of me, she's the funny, openminded and not to forget that she's very beautiful.
Later in my years, I came to a point where you go much up in how you look (at least some does), and at that time I realised I didn't look very good. You know, teenage syphtoms and etc. I began to hide myself, didn't want to take a shover with the other boys after gym, didn't want to do much, just hide myself. It was at that time I began to play alot of games, so I could get away from the real world. It was a strange feeling, to live yourself into a world that has been designed and are not real.
I dragged myself away from the real world, away from people and I only had really close/bestfriends remaining (One of my best friends from the time I went in school, has also played Dark Age of Camelot along with me). My friends helped me through it, and the girl I mentioned earlier did especially help. She moved my limits, the limits I've made in frustrations and made me more open again.
It was in my 13 year, the unexpected happened: I feel in love with her suddenly. I don't know why, I have never had that feeling before. I tried to hide it, because I did already know she has never thought about me in that way (and don't want to). In the first year I was jealous on everybody (without lying) that moved near her, so I tried to ease it down, by not seeing her that much in that year. It helped a little, and I could look upon her again, but still with the loving feeling inside me.
In my later years my face has become better, and my scars on my body better. I tried to go to parties, but I just don't feel like them anymore. The feeling I got inside me, is the one that old people got. You're happy on their ways, when you see the others smiling and having fun, but just don't feel you're a part of it anymore.
You do at this time probably think I've never been offered a relationship/date with a female, but the funny thing is I've actually had a couple of such offers (yes, they looked good, so no reason to come with silly jokes). The problem is I just didn't feel I was ready for it, in other words it scared the hell out of me and I was also affraid of what they might had thought, when they saw how many scars I had on my body. You can say, I didn't feel I was good enough for them, and wanted to wait.
Later in my years (almost now), I've seen this girl I've known since childhood again. Not that I've not seen her before that, because I have, it's just that the loving feeling (that almost looks like madness to me) I tried to held down, has come back. It feels like I'm crushed inside. Actually I've felt that since I feel in love with her, but it became better, just to become worse again.
I told her recently about my feelings and it was good, she was happy for it. Now yesterday I felt so crushed inside, that I send her a mail (I don't got the guts to tell her in person) that it probably would be the best not to see her again. On msn she told me "That's something you just can't do", and told me that her family loves me dearly and that it would hurt them too. The truth is that I'm splitted inside, because I do actually really want to see her again, but again it hurts me each time. She did also tell me that I should just hold the feeling a little down and try control it.
Here comes my questions:
1) Should I apologise to the girl from my childhood, and just ask her to forget it? And if so, what should I do to hold down the feeling? If you got other suggestions tell me, because I'm more confussed than ever.
2) In my later years I've felt the need to... yeah, see other people and make my circle of friends bigger. My friendcircle has grown very slim, as some of elder friends has now got girlfriends and has moved out different places in appartments. The problem is, I just don't feel I can speak to people or that I'm apart of the community, when I go to parties. What can/should I do about this?
There's probably some questions I've forgotten to ask, so if you want you can add more. I would also be very happy if people would share some experiences, as I need something to take me a little away from this mess.
