my brother is one of those people

[TdC]

who forwards everything he gets in his email

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
________________________________
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
________________________________
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap "That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
________________________________
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
________________________________
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
________________________________

o0 (the mad cow one is my fave btw)

 

[Ch3tan]

I laughed

 

[TdC]

more from my awesome Bro (*cringe*)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. What's a mixed feeling?*



A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new
car.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. What's the height of conceit?*



A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





*Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?*



A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?*



A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q.Why is divorce so expensive?*



A. Because it's worth it!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. What is a Yankee?*



A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?*



A. They both like a tight seal.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?*



A. Their balls are just for decoration.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?*



A. About three inches.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?*



A. The grip.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?*



A. It's not hard.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





*Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?*



A: 45 pounds.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





*Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?*



A: 45 minutes.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?*



A: Breasts don't have eyes.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







*Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?*



A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





*Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?*

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[TdC]

new one from teh bro

> DORMITORY:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > DIRTY ROOM
> >
> >
> > PRESBYTERIAN:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > BEST IN PRAYER

> >
> >
> > ASTRONOMER:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > MOON STARER

> >
> >
> > DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
> > A ROPE ENDS IT


> >
> >
> > THE EYES: !
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > THEY SEE


> >
> >
> > GEORGE BUSH:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > HE BUGS GORE


> >
> >
> > THE MORSE CODE:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > HERE COME DOTS


> >
> >
> > SLOT MACHINES:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > CASH LOST IN ME


> >
> >
> > ANIMOSITY:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > IS NO AMITY


> >
> >
> > ELECTION RESULTS:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


> >
> >
> > SNOOZE ALARMS:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


> >
> >
> > A DECIMAL POINT:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > IM A DOT IN PLACE


> >
> >
> > THE EARTHQUAKES:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > THAT QUEER SHAKE


> >
> >
> > ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > TWELVE PLUS ONE


> >
> >
> >
> > AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
> >
> > MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > WOMAN HITLER

also he called my mum to winge that I hadn't emailed him back in a while

 

[TdC]

and more from funny bro (seriously, he sends me like 8 of these a day, where does he get them from? 0o)


Apparently they're actual newspaper headlines:

• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead