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- Dec 22, 2003
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So, my arsehole younger brother is over from Oz and I'm looking for advice. I'm not sure how much detail I can be arsed to go into and I'll be doing my own research but Freddies might already have been through something similar so the TL: DR is: Is anyone aware of any services that give family members advice for dealing with someone with severe mental issues?
Long Version:
I left home at 18 and fucked off to Uni. Couldn't get out fast enough. Wasn't just mum, it was my younger brother too. He was a grade-A arsehole. (My sister is lovely). Whilst I was at Uni he ended up fucking off to Australia I think, in part, because he'd burned all of his bridges in the UK and thought he could make a fresh start.
I'd been avoiding him for ages and we've seen each other a handful of times since. I went to Oz to visit him for a couple of weeks before he got married in 2010, which was a disaster. Ended up telling him that I thought he was having real mental problems, that his relationships with everyone (not just his wife to be) were unhealthy and that I couldn't see anything but disaster ahead for him. He was divorced less than 12 months later. (Blames everyone but him).
I was banned from visiting him again (by the o/h) because I came back worn out and depressed.
He came over about a decade ago, clearly in some sort of state of nervous breakdown. Angry at everyone, blamed the whole world for his ills. Joining the conspiracy theory wagon-train that we all know (if you're in the venn diagram bubble of "covid was a conspiracy designed to kill us" then you're also likely in all of the venn diagram bubbles of <insert your own conspiracy here>.) He stayed 9 months in my mum's sheltered accomodation until I said "look, if you're going to stay in Blighty then you need, for your own self-respect, to get your own flat, move out of the old people's home and maybe get a job". So he fled back to Oz.
He's back. Ostensibly for 4 weeks, but that's already turned to 12 (at a minimum). Same deal again.
Reached out to him, took some holiday and asked him to come stay at mine for a few nights early on - do some kayaking, walking, bike-riding. Was a disaster again. But I've learned a few things - I think he's actually hallucinating his own reality. He's utterly convinced, truthfully, that he's stayed at my house (in deepest darkest North Wales) before. He went to Spain to my sister's holiday flat, utterly convinced that he's stayed there 20 years ago too.
I think he's nailed-on Narcissitic Personality Disorder. He ticks every single box in the symptoms category and hits "environment" head-on in causes (too much adoration, but nowt can be done about that now).
He's also on some spectrum of a schizo-type disorder (the delusion and paranoid part - maybe my description of hallucinating his own reality was off the mark - he has delusions. Many of his beliefs are utterly delusional and irrational but he cannot see that. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence - he has an inability to piece time together. E.G. he accused my sister of "buying the family home out from under him" during his A-levels when my mother actually suggested a house-swap when he was in his early 20's. He's apparently held that belief a long time and my sister said it really shook him when she pointed out that we went to his 21st birthday at that house, when he was living there long after his A-Levels.
Lots of things in the "causal" (or "related to") category: Far from ideal childhood (dead father, increasingly alcoholic mother, inappropriate parenting from her (he was the "golden child who could do no wrong" (and still is)).
For me, it's tragic. We're never going to be close - he's far too much of a drain. He's utterly disruptive to my own mental wellbeing - and I've a partner who's my primary concern and a job to hold down - so "best mates" we'll never be. Unfortunately, he's got zero close lifelong relationships - he simply can't maintain them and after a while people run a mile.
So, ostensibly, he's here for another few weeks. I've got maybe half a day where I might be able to see if I can convince him that he really has a very serious problem and he needs to seek help. My sister's on the same page but we're both worried about how to approach him without him kicking off and actually getting a result. I suspect when it's broached, he'll bring his flight forward and fuck off back to Oz - as happened last time when I said "flat and job is what's required if you're going to stay".
He's had some sort of diagnosis previously, some sort of therapy, I think some sort of medication - but he won't tell us about it.
Of course, he's well on the way to being full-blown alcoholic (I think he's there tbh). And there's plenty of other substance misuse which isn't helpful. That's been there since early teenage years.
Anyway. This has helped me get my thoughts straight, so it turns out I typed more than I needed to
Yes, I know the answer is "get professional help". But if any Freddies have some similar experience, or have pointed friends or family in the direction of help, shout up and let me know what that help is, and where it can be found. I'll do my own research, of course, but you lot are included in that.
I'll be asking a question about network design for my house renovation soon too. I expect diagrams in response to that one
Long Version:
I left home at 18 and fucked off to Uni. Couldn't get out fast enough. Wasn't just mum, it was my younger brother too. He was a grade-A arsehole. (My sister is lovely). Whilst I was at Uni he ended up fucking off to Australia I think, in part, because he'd burned all of his bridges in the UK and thought he could make a fresh start.
I'd been avoiding him for ages and we've seen each other a handful of times since. I went to Oz to visit him for a couple of weeks before he got married in 2010, which was a disaster. Ended up telling him that I thought he was having real mental problems, that his relationships with everyone (not just his wife to be) were unhealthy and that I couldn't see anything but disaster ahead for him. He was divorced less than 12 months later. (Blames everyone but him).
I was banned from visiting him again (by the o/h) because I came back worn out and depressed.
He came over about a decade ago, clearly in some sort of state of nervous breakdown. Angry at everyone, blamed the whole world for his ills. Joining the conspiracy theory wagon-train that we all know (if you're in the venn diagram bubble of "covid was a conspiracy designed to kill us" then you're also likely in all of the venn diagram bubbles of <insert your own conspiracy here>.) He stayed 9 months in my mum's sheltered accomodation until I said "look, if you're going to stay in Blighty then you need, for your own self-respect, to get your own flat, move out of the old people's home and maybe get a job". So he fled back to Oz.
He's back. Ostensibly for 4 weeks, but that's already turned to 12 (at a minimum). Same deal again.
Reached out to him, took some holiday and asked him to come stay at mine for a few nights early on - do some kayaking, walking, bike-riding. Was a disaster again. But I've learned a few things - I think he's actually hallucinating his own reality. He's utterly convinced, truthfully, that he's stayed at my house (in deepest darkest North Wales) before. He went to Spain to my sister's holiday flat, utterly convinced that he's stayed there 20 years ago too.
I think he's nailed-on Narcissitic Personality Disorder. He ticks every single box in the symptoms category and hits "environment" head-on in causes (too much adoration, but nowt can be done about that now).
He's also on some spectrum of a schizo-type disorder (the delusion and paranoid part - maybe my description of hallucinating his own reality was off the mark - he has delusions. Many of his beliefs are utterly delusional and irrational but he cannot see that. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence - he has an inability to piece time together. E.G. he accused my sister of "buying the family home out from under him" during his A-levels when my mother actually suggested a house-swap when he was in his early 20's. He's apparently held that belief a long time and my sister said it really shook him when she pointed out that we went to his 21st birthday at that house, when he was living there long after his A-Levels.
Lots of things in the "causal" (or "related to") category: Far from ideal childhood (dead father, increasingly alcoholic mother, inappropriate parenting from her (he was the "golden child who could do no wrong" (and still is)).
For me, it's tragic. We're never going to be close - he's far too much of a drain. He's utterly disruptive to my own mental wellbeing - and I've a partner who's my primary concern and a job to hold down - so "best mates" we'll never be. Unfortunately, he's got zero close lifelong relationships - he simply can't maintain them and after a while people run a mile.
So, ostensibly, he's here for another few weeks. I've got maybe half a day where I might be able to see if I can convince him that he really has a very serious problem and he needs to seek help. My sister's on the same page but we're both worried about how to approach him without him kicking off and actually getting a result. I suspect when it's broached, he'll bring his flight forward and fuck off back to Oz - as happened last time when I said "flat and job is what's required if you're going to stay".
He's had some sort of diagnosis previously, some sort of therapy, I think some sort of medication - but he won't tell us about it.
Of course, he's well on the way to being full-blown alcoholic (I think he's there tbh). And there's plenty of other substance misuse which isn't helpful. That's been there since early teenage years.
Anyway. This has helped me get my thoughts straight, so it turns out I typed more than I needed to
Yes, I know the answer is "get professional help". But if any Freddies have some similar experience, or have pointed friends or family in the direction of help, shout up and let me know what that help is, and where it can be found. I'll do my own research, of course, but you lot are included in that.
I'll be asking a question about network design for my house renovation soon too. I expect diagrams in response to that one
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