Joeks!!!1

N

Nibbler

Guest
Wait, wait! I remembered a better one:

A guy goes to the opticians

Optician: Sir, you've got to stop masturbating!

Guy: Why? Am I going blind?

Optician: No, you're upsetting the other people in the waiting room!



:D
 
S

S-Gray

Guest
A man walks into a pub with a flamingo and a cat. He goes up to the bar and gets in the first round and sits down and they all drink thier beers. Then its the flamingos turn and he gets his round. When its the cats turn he says to the man "Get my round in for me I need the toilet." So the cat goes to the loo and the man gets his round for him. This carries on for some time. The man and the flamingo go to get thier rounds and the cat makes some excuse not to. The next time this happened the barman say to the man "Whats going on mate?" and the mans says, "Well I met a genie an he granted me one wish." and the barman says "yeah so what did you wish for." and the man sighs and says "well I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy."

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Q: What do shrimp and women have in common?
A: There heads are full of crap, but there pink bits are nice ;)
2nd j/k

------------

Q: Why do drug dealers like prostitues?
A: Because they can shag them, clean out there crack, and sell it on :D

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Jelly Bear: Doctor Doctor i think i have aids
Doctor: Why?
Jelly Bear: I have been shaging allsorts
 
N

Nibbler

Guest
man walks into a pub with a flamingo and a cat. He goes up to the bar and gets in the first round and sits down and they all drink thier beers. Then its the flamingos turn and he gets his round. When its the cats turn he says to the man "Get my round in for me I need the toilet." So the cat goes to the loo and the man gets his round for him. This carries on for some time. The man and the flamingo go to get thier rounds and the cat makes some excuse not to. The next time this happened the barman say to the man "Whats going on mate?" and the mans says, "Well I met a genie an he granted me one wish." and the barman says "yeah so what did you wish for." and the man sighs and says "well I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy."

Check a few pages back, it's been done before except better, longer, and with more style.
 
S

S-Gray

Guest
Lol i'm new here :p, if i go pages back i'll give myself a headache :p
 
M

Moving Target

Guest
There was this old married couple who had been happily married for 40 years! The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a Doctor as she was concerned that one day he was going to fart his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then on christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had just put the turkey innards and neck, gizzards, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she slid down his underpants at the back and emptied the bowl of turkeyguts into them.
Several hours later she heard her husband waken with his usual arise ripping Trumpeting and this was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But ... by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
 
S

Sir Frizz

Guest
Whoever came up with that, needs help...:puke:
 
L

~Lazarus~

Guest
A man returns home early from work and hears groaning noises coming from his wife.
He thinks she must be having a dump and thinks nothing of it. It is only upon entering the bedroom that he realises that his wife is having sex
with his best friend.
His friend looks up and says, "I'm sorry Dave."
"Sorry are you," the enraged husband shouts, "then why don't you stop when I'm speaking to you?" Dave sees red, grabs his so-called best friend by
the short and curlys, drags him downstairs, along the garden path and into the shed.
He takes his friend's wedding tackle and places it in a vice, tightens the vice and snaps off the handle.
Dave then heads for the kitchen and returns with a large serated knife.
His so-called friend pleads, "Oh my god Dave! You're not going to cut me willy off!"
Dave replies, "No. You are, I'm gonna set fire to the shed."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man with no arms enters a wanking contest. He comes nowhere.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.”
The woman did as she was told.
“Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.”
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Worried, the woman asked anxiously,
“Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?” Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some classic lines from Tommy Cooper:

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.


"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
Oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
Yhey left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with ne.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want to buy acaravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [camply] 'Make our mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
 
O

old.Shill

Guest
Difference

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, Anal sex makes your hole weak :)
 
C

caLLous

Guest
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

:D
 
T

Testin da Cable

Guest
a little boo-boo in the c&p there caLLous meh lad ;)
 
S

Sar

Guest
I did, just thought you had a really bad stutter though :)
 
C

caLLous

Guest
:(
Someone pasted it in irc, and it cut off halfway through, so he continued the paste, and that would explain it. :p
 
P

PR.

Guest
LOL

I like that joke Cal :)

/me copy and pastes, tarts it up a bit and prints it out

I'll stick it up at work on monday :D
 
O

old.DisasterPiece

Guest
lol thanx for those jokes they fuckin funny man lol
 
C

caLLous

Guest
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side!"


Look! No errors! :D
 
M

Moving Target

Guest
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Johnson. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Johnson returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was horrible, just terrible, doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonalds again.
 

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