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suicide121
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- #31
I heard thattoday at football, we won 2-0 
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Moving Target
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Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: A left ear, a right ear and the final frontier!
:uhoh:
A: A left ear, a right ear and the final frontier!
:uhoh:
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Ono
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- #33
Originally posted by Moving Target
Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: A left ear, a right ear and the final frontier!
:uhoh:
Ono
MT
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suicide121
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- #34
Ono uke:
uke:
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old.Fweddy
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- #35
Guy goes to the Patents Office. He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle". Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it? Inventor: A fottle. Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else? Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton. Clerk: And what do you call that? Inventor: A farton. Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name. Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket.
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Summo
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- #36
OMG, Nibbler! I saw this woman earlier with an identical hat! How embarrassing!
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suicide121
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- #37
Lol Nibbler
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bodhi
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- #38
Why couldn't Superman save the atrocities that happened on September the 11th?
Cos the WTC had fucking shite disabled access.
and there's more........
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A paraplegic in a house fire.
Cos the WTC had fucking shite disabled access.
and there's more........
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A paraplegic in a house fire.
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xenon2000
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- #39
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
Hmmm....
What do you call a woman who can suck an orange dry through a hosepipe?
"Darling"
OK, here's another...
What have a) cunninglingus and b) being in the mafia got in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
To get to the other bride.
Hmmm....
What do you call a woman who can suck an orange dry through a hosepipe?
"Darling"
OK, here's another...
What have a) cunninglingus and b) being in the mafia got in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
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shadow`
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- #40
ugh xenon that's rank
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caLLous
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- #41
What's black and white and red all over and can't get through doorways?
A nun with a spear through her head.
A nun with a spear through her head.
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~Lazarus~
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- #42
whats the difference between a fridge and a fanny ?
a fridge doesnt fart when you take your meat out !
Whats the difference between a microwave and a poofs arse ???
a microwave doesnt brown your meat!!!
a fridge doesnt fart when you take your meat out !
Whats the difference between a microwave and a poofs arse ???
a microwave doesnt brown your meat!!!
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PR.
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- #43
*tone lowers to rock bottom*
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*Kornholio*
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- #44
A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
The man replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it".
The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out
I'll have a look for you"
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants.
After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to
say, I can't see anything wrong with it."
To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, isn't it ?!"
The man replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it".
The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out
I'll have a look for you"
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants.
After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to
say, I can't see anything wrong with it."
To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, isn't it ?!"
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~Lazarus~
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- #45
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round
trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the
cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round
trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the
cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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old.Explosive23
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- Thread starter
- #46
Lol, oh dear
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xenon2000
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- #47
That kind of joke would work better in a sitcom; it was clever but there wasn't really any punchline. Anyway...
Q: What's the difference between a microwave and George Michael in a public toilet?
A: A microwave stops when you open the door
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Cod
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- Thread starter
- #48
The caretaker at the WTC got fired a couple of months ago..
He left the landing lights on.
He left the landing lights on.
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PR.
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- Thread starter
- #49
:uhoh:
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bids
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- Thread starter
- #50
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing"
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing"
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Ch3tan
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- #51
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*Kornholio*
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- #52
Originally posted by Ch3tan
well at least his contribution was mildly entertaining...
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caLLous
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- #53
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for me?“
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it’s a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it’s a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."
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bids
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- Thread starter
- #54
A group of legionnaires strode through the scorching desert. They hadn't had water for three days and hadn't eaten for a week but they did not crack, they kept marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them froze, " Psssst " said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.
" Le voila ", said he, " Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon "?.
And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the dessert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.
Ever nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion.
Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice: " Zat was no bacon tree, " he gasped, " Zat was an 'am bush."
Suddenly one of them froze, " Psssst " said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing.
" Le voila ", said he, " Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon "?.
And sure enough, there it stood, proudly and defiant in the middle of the dessert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object far off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone's throw of the bacon tree.
Ever nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thudded into the sand around them. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion.
Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice: " Zat was no bacon tree, " he gasped, " Zat was an 'am bush."
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caLLous
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- Thread starter
- #55
heh
*groan*
*groan*
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Ch3tan
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- #56
lol another for bids
for bids
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bids
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- #57
Why fank you
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~Lazarus~
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- Thread starter
- #58
A few chat up lines - could be classed as jokes
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.
3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.
8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone
beat me to it.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed
Thrasher, have you seen one?
11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.
12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
25. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the
roof of your mouth.
26. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.
3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.
8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone
beat me to it.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed
Thrasher, have you seen one?
11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.
12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
25. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the
roof of your mouth.
26. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
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suicide121
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- Thread starter
- #59
MM, must try some of them
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xenon2000
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- Thread starter
- #60
Try John Digweed... more up-to-date