J’inn the Vicious . .. Signing off

[Sharkith]

Got this off SHC - really made me laugh!

Scrapheap Challenge :: View topic - North vs. South April 19 2010 onwards

BATTLE REPORT

FM: J’INN THE VICIOUS

TO: NC HC


Okay, for the preliminary stuff . . . .

All hail the Northern Coalition and it’s leaders whose wisdom and power cannot be questioned lest you be forced to serve as Vuk’s Cabin Boy Sans Pants . .

<sigh>

Anyways:

1. April 27, 2010 02:30 Eve appx. I am busy with my IT alt buying out all of the T2 ammo in Tribute and putting it back up at triple Jita when I receive a message from ME/Rage for assistance. Apparently, they have a towers coming out of reinforced in NCGR.

2. I respond to the fleet request and immediately ask what ships they need. I am informed that they are looking for shield logistics and HACs in general. I check EFT to see if there is a good load out for these types of ships. Finding the load outs lacking in the Salvager Department or Cargo Hold Capacity. I bring a Fleet 14 inch penis.

3. I leave D7 station, give the reds the finger, and high tail it to TVN. Surprisingly I make it there alive. When I get there I notice the fleet has left. I inquire why they did not wait for J’inn the Vicious. Oddly, they ignore me.

4. So . . I . . . J’inn the Brave decide to go the NCGR alone. Again, shockingly, I get there alive. Although I notice that there are no reds in system. Well this looks safe I think. I ask for a warp in. I ask again. I ask again. Then I lie and say I am in a Basilisk. I get a warp in.

5. Upon warping to the fleet I find myself in a ME jump bridge POS with a fleet of about 80 guys. They seem stressed. Several are praying the rosary. I start to become concerned. At that point I notice the POS is in reinforced and the timer shows that it will be killable in about ONE MINUTE!

6. I set autopilot to D7. Spool up the warp drive to MOMMY HELP ME speed and set course for the nearest gate.

7. Just then a cyno goes up in system and local goes really, really red. I start mashing the cancel warp button but it is too late. As I land on the gate I notice that it is covered with an Atlas Support Fleet. A dictor jumps through upon seeing me. I believe he had a T2 lube dispenser fitted. Okay, jumping through would be bad.

8. So I figure I’m dead. Imagine my surprise when the Atlas fleet warps. I suppose I scared them. It is me after all. But there is still that dictor on the other side of the gate. And I am not fitted for combat. I’m fitted for “fleet” combat and I doubt my 5 salvagers would hurt him much. Well crap. I’m stuck. So I go back to the POS funeral service.

9. So by now the POS has it’s pants down around it’s ankles and has bent over. Finally, the FC states, “Okay guys you are going to see something really cool now! I’m thinking. YES!! A massive blue fleet is going to jump in and save my ass . . . I mean the POS . . . This will be cool. So I am, once again, a little disappointed when the Atlas CAP fleet warps in and everyone on TS starts talking about how cool it is to see that many CAPs at once. Somehow I define “cool” differently.

10. At this point Atlas starts sieging the POS and it drops faster than a hooker’s panties at a millionaires convention. Thankfully, before the POS pops, the FC warps us to another POS. I’m pissed. Sure I’m safe but I’ll obviously have to log here and I can’t complete my market orders in Tribute from frikkin Vale. Then I notice that this tower is also in reinforced and only has about an hour to live. So I do what anyone would do at this point. I start bitching on TS. Man you FCs sure can be nasty! Sheesh.

11. Suddenly, the FC warps the entire fleet. I’m thinking. YES!!! We are getting the hell out of this system because only a mad man would engage that fleet. (At this point we were outnumbered 2-1 in local. 3-1 if you include Dastomy’s constant local chat warfare). But my hopes are dashed when the FC yells: Prepare for combat!!

12. So we land on a large red fleet. I open up my character page just to check what level clone I will need to buy in the next minute or so. CRAP!! They are expensive. But my thoughts are interrupted as the FC starts screaming for primaries. Weird that I am not dead yet.

13. Well now as I said before I am in a fleet fit 14 inch penis. 5 salvagers. Two 250mm rails for killmail whoring. Sensors boosters. MWD. I switch my overview to Fleet One. Which is wrecks and cans only. None yet. Okay, overview Fleet Two it is then. Combat overview.

14. I begin to lock every red I can. Firing off one shot on each in order to maximize the kill mail haul. I wish the FC would stop yelling primaries at this point, it’s making it hard to concentrate and lets face it, no one really pays attention to that anyways.

15. Next thing I know all hell breaks loose. Atlas Caps all over the place. Our caps start pouring in. FC sounding like he is going to have a stroke. AND DAMMIT THIS LAG IS MAKING IT HARD FOR ME TO SWITCH TARGETS FAST!!!

16. Now at one point, I am not sure when, our Leviathan started taking damage. Calls went out to put all reps on him. I thought to myself . . heck I’ve never been on a Titan kill mail. So I lock him up and fire one shot. Hey, don’t look at me like that!! One stupid 250mm railgun shot wouldn’t change anything. It’s harmless. Thankfully, the Levi was saved by the triage carriers. I’ll get on a Titan killmail one day. I just need to be in Imperian’s fleets more often I suppose.

17. Atlas capitals are dying all over the place. And I am really getting stressed. WHY OH WHY DIDN’T I BRING A T2 HAULER INSTEAD? There were capital mods all over the place. I could have made a fortune. A FORTURE I TELL YOU!! At this point I start crying. Guess I need to learn to stop hot mic’ing as my ears where quickly filled with the FC saying . . . Dude it’s just a game . . . What did you lose?. I told him I was still alive but that I can’t fit the Capital Armor Repairer I just found into my stupid cargo hold. I heard him yell “J’inn Primary!!” So I warped out, waited for five minutes and warped back in.

18. Right around this point in time the FC was distracted from killing me by a large IT & Friends fleet. They saw me in local and immediately left. Makes it hard for you guys to get a fight with me scaring off the reds I know. I feel your pain.

19. Thankfully, the Atlas cap fleet could not escape despite their fear of me. They were bubbled, pointed, and generally screwed. So they did what I would have done. They cheated. YES I SAID IT!! Those weasels started dumping shuttles and cans on grid like crazy. I thought it was insulting. I mean really, do they expect me to salvage shuttles. Ptui!! I’m J’inn!! Not some noob!! Well actually, if I brought one of my alts in I could . . . hmm.

20. We fought through the lag and the kill boards say the rest.

21. I, on the other hand, am still traumatized by the loot I had to leave behind. Imagine my horror as I actually had to jettison FACTION loot to make room for better faction loot. I may never fully recover.


Now that is how you write a proper battle report.


J’inn the Vicious . .. Signing off