I've not given you MySQL access, and I don't think you have CGI access either. Your ISP hosting (I assume you have some) will probably allow CGI.
I seem to remember Deebs or Jonty posting about free MySQL databases they offered via another site. If you get one of those, you can set up a PHP IRC affair. I've never tested them though, and I might get grumpy if you use too much bandwidth.
If you don't password protect it, you'll get banned from Quakenet sharpish, just like all those other CGI:IRC sites.
But unless it is for IRC from work, just use a proper IRC client.
Just a slight caveat on the use of CGI:IRC - it can place a high strain on the server it is hosted on. Whilst there are usually no problems when usage is light, if a lot of people start using it, it can cause problems (last I heard, anyway, this may have been rectified by now). I only know because certain services prohibit its use.