A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8
on
the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its
epicentre in
Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately 30 pounds
worth
of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros
arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused
and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in
Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said,
"It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into
my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm
slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and
watching Trisha the next morning".
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried
on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 204,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing
parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers),
Shell suits (female),
White sport socks,
Rockport boots,
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the
same.
Required
foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals,
Tins of baked beans,
Ice cream,
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
Remember:
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
32p buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
35p buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry
alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl,
"woss that gotta do wiv you?".
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