Humorous Quotations.

[nothing]

I nominate this for being the funniest of all time; competition welcome.

LADY ASTOR: Sir, you are drunk.
CHURCHILL : Yes madam, and you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober.

 

[Ono]

!

 

[xenon2000]

Emma Bunton (baby Spice) : "Our single's out on monday, so buy it now!"

David Beckham: "I want Brooklyn christened, but i'm not sure into which religion..."

***
Classic

 

[xenon2000]

Ono, mungo, tdc, TUG, emb: "I am not a spammer"

 

[Ono]

But I am NOT a spammer!


Not in the TUG, Embattle league anyway.

 

[old.venturer01]

the definition of a straight line is a curve with an infinite radius -

 

[old.hazzeryoda]

This is another (very genuine) Churchill quote:

WOMAN (probably Lady Astor but i didnt remember who it was:
"Sir if I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"

CHURCHILL: "[woman], if I were your husband, I would drink that coffee."

 

[Ono]

"Read my tits, no more taxis"

George Bush...election speech


I remember that one coz I was listening to it on a very old radio at my Granny's place.

 

[old.hazzeryoda]

David Beckham=complete flid

 

[ReActor]

I'll give you a few:

"America is one long expectoration" - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell" - General Philip H. Sheridan (1831-1888)

LORD NORTHCLIFFE: "The trouble with you, Shaw, is that you look as if there were a famine in the land."
BERNARD SHAW: "The trouble with you, Northcliffe, is that you look as if you were the cause of it."

 

[old.hazzeryoda]

anyone got any America ridicules? I'll love u for ever.


I swear im not a xenophobe.

 

[old.TUG]

"I love schoolgirls"

Well, I thought it woz funny anyway :/

 

[bodhi]

Doctor: We have to get this man to a hospital.
Stewardess: A hospital what is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with patients but thats not important right now.

or

Kryten: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No I'd describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: And who would you say thinks of the accused most fondly?
Lister: I do
Kryten: And are there no others who have shared moments of intimacy with him?
Lister: Only one but she's got a puncture.



Both crack me up every time.

 

[old.Quorthon]

Not really quotes but, heh, shit happens


Top Football Managers Explain The Age-Old Fowl/Freeway Dilemma

SOME football managers are happy to talk about their tactics, signings, results and so on. Others are much more tricky to pin down, while some simply hate answering questions. So when we tracked down some football managers to ask them the most important question in football today, we were expecting a mixed bag.


The question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Arsene Wenger "From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic."

David O,Leary "To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season."

Sir Alex Ferguson "As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch."

George Graham "I want good, solid team chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!"

Gianluca Vialli "When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch for Chelsea."

Gordon Strachan "I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck."

John Gregory "Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him."

Kevin Keegan "OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road."

Bobby Robson "The duck's done really great."

Joe Royle "I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs."

Peter Reid "Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!"

Glenn Hoddle "The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken."

Brian Clough "If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey."

Ron Atkinson "Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed."

Ruud Gullit "I am hoping to see some 5exy poultry."


Q

 

[old.Reverend Flatus]

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead - Stan Laurel

 

[Guest]

Reporter: Mr Gandhi, what do you think of British civilisation?
Gandhi: It would be nice.

 

[old.Luap2]

K3wl thread this

Harry S. Truman:

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.

 

[old.Luap2]

Don't want to be greedy but I just came across this:

"It is always easier to ask forgiveness than permission."

US Marine Proverb.

 

[xenon2000]

George W. Bush (again): "Some people misunderestimate me"

 

[Testin da Cable]

gosh them speechwriters aren't half thick are they?

 

[Ono]

Bill Clinton:

"We did not have sexual relations..............all the fat bird did was suck my knob"

 

[old.Quorthon]

Another Unfortunately real quote from George "dubbya" Bush

"More and More of our Imports are coming from Overseas these days"

Can you believe this idiot is leader of the greatest superpower in the world?

: /


Q

 

[old.hazzeryoda]

My God, the weakest link is a treasure trove of balls ups:

Anne: 'which country does the trans-siberian railway run through?'

Contestant: 'err, Italy?'

 

[ReActor]

OFFICER: "That's your helicopter over there, sir."
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: "Son, they're ALL my helicopters."

"The difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship." - Bill Carpenter, Mayor of Independence, Missouri, 1990.

"I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing." - Prince Philip, 1988.

"I saw the new Italian navy. Its boats have glass bottoms so they can see the old Italian navy." - Peter Secchian, President Bush's choice for US ambassador to Italy.

 

[nothing]

one of my friends said:
"I have to go sort out my piles"
Another person:
"I can't draw straight curves!"

How about this one:
Lady Astor:If you were my husband I would poison your coffee
Churchill:And if you were my wife madam, I would drink it.

 

[old.neomatrix]

Another funny quote UN(SUPRISINGLY?) from another yankee president

Predident Kenedey stands before a audeince from Berlin, to tell them that are no hard feelings about that tiny spat called a world war and that that funny wee man with the tash and the willingness to shag his nieces, didn't really do any harm
In his speech of solidarity kenedy proclaimed " Ich habe einen berliner!!"
Something which his PRman thought meant that "I am a Berliner!!"
Which sounds nice but the crowd didn't cheer
WHY?
Because The actual translation meant " I am a DONOUGHT!!!"
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
I laugh in your face

 

[bids]

Another one for the yanks (from WWII I think - but my bro, who's in the RAF, said they used it during the Gulf War too).

When the German planes are overhead, the British duck.

When the British planes are overhead, the Germans duck.

When the American planes are overhead, everyone ducks.

 

[old.Anarky]

More 'Bushisms'

"I have made some good decisions in the past. I have made good decisions in the future"

"It's time for humans to enter the solar system"

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children"

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure"

<Anarky> What a complete bunghole

 

[Testin da Cable]

Originally posted by Anarky
More 'Bushisms'
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure"

omg he didn't really say that did he???

ffs

 

[ReActor]

If you like humorous quotations try my old site