Azurus
Can't get enough of FH
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2005
- Messages
- 1,263
Bonjour everyone. I have been set a deadline to write 1500 words of coursework for tommorow but was layed down with sickness over the weekend so didnt manage to get much done 
. Here is my rough draft of one of the pieces (got two to do) so was hoping you guys could suggest any improvements while i work on the other one (zomgz multi taskin!?!? ghey?). Appreciate any help given you would be saving my life. 
Rep ofc for the best suggestions!
No one likes goblins, or at least no one would like them if anyone knew they existed. The Ratchett family of goblins lived at Number 4, Smelting way, Cotswold village. It was a cool grey September morning, and Ziz Ratchett, the youngest of the three Ratchett children, if you can call them that, was the first to stir. Groggily rising from his matchbox bed, he made his way too the leaky pipe for a shower.
Soon after, the other members of the Ratchett family began to show signs of life. Mama Ratchett usually the first to wake was the next to get up, followed by Ziz’s twin brothers, Flip and Gazza. After a few minutes Ziz emerged from upstairs to find the rest of his family sitting at their self styled kitchen looking disheartened.
Goblins were for the most part peaceful creatures, but that didn’t stop them taking up their matchstick crossbows or toothbrush pikes when the need arose. There was a time when most families in Britain unknowingly harboured a family of these wonderful creatures, but through a mixture of improved pest control and the emergence of Saber toothes (cats to you and me) as a common household pet, meant their numbers were dwindling. No one knows how many Goblins are left in Britain, but GOGA, the Guild of Goblin Academics, puts the number between four and ten thousand.
Ziz felt his stomach growl in protest, he hadn’t eaten in 2 days. Pa would be in with some food he thought, everything was going to be ok. He was right about the soon part, within 5 minutes Pa stumbled through the door looking tired and distressed, and, Ziz noticed empty handed again.
A concerned looking Mama Ratchett went over to attend to her partner, pulling up a seat and soon they sank into a deep and serious conversation. Ziz knew what it was about. Papa hadn’t been able to bring back any food for 3 nights now and emergency supplies were fresh out. Times were tough. Knowing his parents didn’t want to be disturbed he went to take a seat next to his twin brothers, both looking sombre.
‘This is it, we’re finished, dad hasn’t brought back food for 3 nights I’m going to starve.’ Said Flip.
‘I know what you mean.’ Mumbled Gazza. ‘I can’t even think about anything but food now, I cant even escape it in my dreams.’
‘Come on guys you know Dad will get something soon, hes bound to.’
‘Yeh your probably right Ziz. And hey we can always eat you if things get too tough.’ Said Gazza jokingly.
As Ziz walked away he knew Gazza was only saying that to make him feel better. They still thought of Ziz as a baby and didn’t want to distress him.
Today was different, thought Ziz. The family were going to eat, Ziz was going to secretly go on his first hunt, and bring them back a treat. Goblins only hunted at night to avoid detection, but Ziz knew he would have to go out during the day, or he wouldn’t be able to find his way around the house. He had only been outside the family’s home in the attic once, and gone down into the house itself, but that was when the family were away on holiday or his dad would never have taken him. Needing a way to get away undetected, Ziz went over to his Ma.
‘I’m going to work on my Kart Ma, I’ll be over on the other side of the attic. I’ll be back in time for Light out I promise.’
‘Ok Ziz, have fun.’
Ziz didn’t like lying to his Ma, but this was for the good of the family. Picking up some supplies for his journey, a length of cord, some dried meat he had been saving and a broken off part of a hairpin, he made his way to he tiny hole in the the ceiling which led down to the laundry shoot. He remembered from the last time he had ventured into the house that this was the hardest part of the journey. The shoot was dangerous and you needed to be sure in your footing to pick your way down the back wall. Although this time he was without the aid of his father, Ziz was bigger and stronger now. ‘One step at a time, don’t rush it and you’ll be fine.’ These were the words his father had said to him before his first attempt, and Ziz said them to himself several times before he felt confident enough to begin his descent. At first the going was slow, but after a few minutes Ziz grew in confidence and picked his way nimbly down the shear face. After 10 minutes of hard graft he was at the bottom of the shoot, and ready to continue.
Tentatively stepping out of the shoot into the kitchen he was at first disorientated by the shear size of the room. This was at least 3 times the size of his attic and the surroundings had changed since last time he had been down. After regaining his senses he began too search for food. Making his way towards the kitchen table leg, he allowed his thoughts to drift about how happy and proud his family would be with him when he came back with a feast. Perhaps it was this lapse in concentration, of perhaps it was the shear stealth of the Saber Tooth, but all that mattered was the dark shadow that had suddenly been cast in front of Ziz. Too late realising the danger he was in, Ziz made a quick dash for the safety of a lose floorboard, but the cat was too quick. Ziz had never seen a sabertooth up close, he had only heard descriptions of them from his father and brothers. They talked of an evil large fanged creature with glowing red eyes and a vicious cold nature. These stories were of course exaggerated to try and dissuade Ziz from venturing into the house alone, but nonetheless the site of a large tabby cat is still extremely frightening for a 3 and a half inch goblin. The cat pinned Ziz down. The young goblin, trembling and and never so frightened in his life realised how stupid he had been coming into the house alone. There was a reason Pa only ventured out at night, and that reason was now eyeing Ziz greedily preparing to strike.
‘What you got there Hercules?’ came voice from the living room. Into the kitchen came Derek. Derek was the only son of the family who lived in the house. He was quite short and had shifty small eyes. Everything about him, from his spiked hair to his earrings looked wrong to Ziz. He had never seen a human before, so had no one to compare Derek too but still felt an instant dislike towards him.
Derek grabbed Ziz off the sabre tooth who, disappointed his prey had been taken off him skulked moodily towards the dining room. Derek made his way upstairs to his room. It was horrible for Ziz in there, it was uncomfortably warm and damp and smelt of mouldy cheese. A minute later they arrived at Derek’s room, and Ziz was relieved to be pulled out of his pocket. He rubbed his eyes and greedily gasped for air. However the relief only lasted momentarily. Directly in front of Derek was a large glass tank containing what to Ziz looked like a. It was of course a snake, and it reared up, eyeing Ziz with cold grey eyes as if it expected a meal.
This was it, he thought. Im going to die. He thought of his mum and how the last thing he had done was to lie to her and felt sick. Derek hovered Ziz over the tank, dangling him tauntingly above the snake, causing it to emit a low hissing sound. A few seconds passed and then it happened. From downstairs came the words ‘Derek! Have you finished the milk again when I told you to save some?! Get down here!’
‘Don’t go anywhere this is going to be fun’ said Derek to Ziz.
Ziz felt a deep rage building up inside him. The world is unfair. Why would someone want to kill him for nothing? What is wrong with people? Well he’s not getting away with it. Looking around the room for something sharp Ziz remembered the broken piece of hairpin he had brought for emergencies, it would do. He got it out and hurriedly made his way towards one of Dereks trainer’s hiding inside. He had a plan.
About 5 minutes passed before Derek returned to his room but to Ziz it seemed like forever. The door opened slowly, and Derek’s voice rang out
‘I knew you would hide. But you’re not going to get away. You’re going to meet my good friend Slinky.’
Ziz faked a small scream to alert Derek he was in his shoe.
‘Got ya!’
Derek’s hand reached clumsily into the show grabbing and trying to pull Ziz out. As soon as got close enough, Ziz plunged the sharp hairpin deep into his finger causing him to cry a loud cry of pain. Ziz took his chance and made for the doorway.
‘No you don’t!’ Derek raced for the door and slammed it shut blocking Ziz’s escape. A deep feeling of dread overcame Ziz and he fell to his knees and began crying. What happened next was abit of a blur. As Derek raised his foot, preparing to stamp down on top of Ziz the door swung open, and Derek’s mother rushed in making straight for Derek. Already being off balance Derek was taken aback by this and fell straight on his back. Ziz regained his senses first and made for the door. He made it out and ran faster then he ever had for the stairs.
‘Derek, Derek! Are you alright? I heard you scream’
‘Mum get away from me! The goblin, hes escaping!’
‘What on earth are you talking about? Have you hit your head..’
Ziz didn’t catch the last bit of their conversation. He took the stairs one at a time and made it do the bottom heading straight for the chute that would bring him safety. He felt on top of the world, he could do anything. As he entered the kitchen he noticed a half eaten cheese sandwich on the table. His family would eat tonight afterall.
. Here is my rough draft of one of the pieces (got two to do) so was hoping you guys could suggest any improvements while i work on the other one (zomgz multi taskin!?!? ghey?). Appreciate any help given you would be saving my life. Rep ofc for the best suggestions!No one likes goblins, or at least no one would like them if anyone knew they existed. The Ratchett family of goblins lived at Number 4, Smelting way, Cotswold village. It was a cool grey September morning, and Ziz Ratchett, the youngest of the three Ratchett children, if you can call them that, was the first to stir. Groggily rising from his matchbox bed, he made his way too the leaky pipe for a shower.
Soon after, the other members of the Ratchett family began to show signs of life. Mama Ratchett usually the first to wake was the next to get up, followed by Ziz’s twin brothers, Flip and Gazza. After a few minutes Ziz emerged from upstairs to find the rest of his family sitting at their self styled kitchen looking disheartened.
Goblins were for the most part peaceful creatures, but that didn’t stop them taking up their matchstick crossbows or toothbrush pikes when the need arose. There was a time when most families in Britain unknowingly harboured a family of these wonderful creatures, but through a mixture of improved pest control and the emergence of Saber toothes (cats to you and me) as a common household pet, meant their numbers were dwindling. No one knows how many Goblins are left in Britain, but GOGA, the Guild of Goblin Academics, puts the number between four and ten thousand.
Ziz felt his stomach growl in protest, he hadn’t eaten in 2 days. Pa would be in with some food he thought, everything was going to be ok. He was right about the soon part, within 5 minutes Pa stumbled through the door looking tired and distressed, and, Ziz noticed empty handed again.
A concerned looking Mama Ratchett went over to attend to her partner, pulling up a seat and soon they sank into a deep and serious conversation. Ziz knew what it was about. Papa hadn’t been able to bring back any food for 3 nights now and emergency supplies were fresh out. Times were tough. Knowing his parents didn’t want to be disturbed he went to take a seat next to his twin brothers, both looking sombre.
‘This is it, we’re finished, dad hasn’t brought back food for 3 nights I’m going to starve.’ Said Flip.
‘I know what you mean.’ Mumbled Gazza. ‘I can’t even think about anything but food now, I cant even escape it in my dreams.’
‘Come on guys you know Dad will get something soon, hes bound to.’
‘Yeh your probably right Ziz. And hey we can always eat you if things get too tough.’ Said Gazza jokingly.
As Ziz walked away he knew Gazza was only saying that to make him feel better. They still thought of Ziz as a baby and didn’t want to distress him.
Today was different, thought Ziz. The family were going to eat, Ziz was going to secretly go on his first hunt, and bring them back a treat. Goblins only hunted at night to avoid detection, but Ziz knew he would have to go out during the day, or he wouldn’t be able to find his way around the house. He had only been outside the family’s home in the attic once, and gone down into the house itself, but that was when the family were away on holiday or his dad would never have taken him. Needing a way to get away undetected, Ziz went over to his Ma.
‘I’m going to work on my Kart Ma, I’ll be over on the other side of the attic. I’ll be back in time for Light out I promise.’
‘Ok Ziz, have fun.’
Ziz didn’t like lying to his Ma, but this was for the good of the family. Picking up some supplies for his journey, a length of cord, some dried meat he had been saving and a broken off part of a hairpin, he made his way to he tiny hole in the the ceiling which led down to the laundry shoot. He remembered from the last time he had ventured into the house that this was the hardest part of the journey. The shoot was dangerous and you needed to be sure in your footing to pick your way down the back wall. Although this time he was without the aid of his father, Ziz was bigger and stronger now. ‘One step at a time, don’t rush it and you’ll be fine.’ These were the words his father had said to him before his first attempt, and Ziz said them to himself several times before he felt confident enough to begin his descent. At first the going was slow, but after a few minutes Ziz grew in confidence and picked his way nimbly down the shear face. After 10 minutes of hard graft he was at the bottom of the shoot, and ready to continue.
Tentatively stepping out of the shoot into the kitchen he was at first disorientated by the shear size of the room. This was at least 3 times the size of his attic and the surroundings had changed since last time he had been down. After regaining his senses he began too search for food. Making his way towards the kitchen table leg, he allowed his thoughts to drift about how happy and proud his family would be with him when he came back with a feast. Perhaps it was this lapse in concentration, of perhaps it was the shear stealth of the Saber Tooth, but all that mattered was the dark shadow that had suddenly been cast in front of Ziz. Too late realising the danger he was in, Ziz made a quick dash for the safety of a lose floorboard, but the cat was too quick. Ziz had never seen a sabertooth up close, he had only heard descriptions of them from his father and brothers. They talked of an evil large fanged creature with glowing red eyes and a vicious cold nature. These stories were of course exaggerated to try and dissuade Ziz from venturing into the house alone, but nonetheless the site of a large tabby cat is still extremely frightening for a 3 and a half inch goblin. The cat pinned Ziz down. The young goblin, trembling and and never so frightened in his life realised how stupid he had been coming into the house alone. There was a reason Pa only ventured out at night, and that reason was now eyeing Ziz greedily preparing to strike.
‘What you got there Hercules?’ came voice from the living room. Into the kitchen came Derek. Derek was the only son of the family who lived in the house. He was quite short and had shifty small eyes. Everything about him, from his spiked hair to his earrings looked wrong to Ziz. He had never seen a human before, so had no one to compare Derek too but still felt an instant dislike towards him.
Derek grabbed Ziz off the sabre tooth who, disappointed his prey had been taken off him skulked moodily towards the dining room. Derek made his way upstairs to his room. It was horrible for Ziz in there, it was uncomfortably warm and damp and smelt of mouldy cheese. A minute later they arrived at Derek’s room, and Ziz was relieved to be pulled out of his pocket. He rubbed his eyes and greedily gasped for air. However the relief only lasted momentarily. Directly in front of Derek was a large glass tank containing what to Ziz looked like a. It was of course a snake, and it reared up, eyeing Ziz with cold grey eyes as if it expected a meal.
This was it, he thought. Im going to die. He thought of his mum and how the last thing he had done was to lie to her and felt sick. Derek hovered Ziz over the tank, dangling him tauntingly above the snake, causing it to emit a low hissing sound. A few seconds passed and then it happened. From downstairs came the words ‘Derek! Have you finished the milk again when I told you to save some?! Get down here!’
‘Don’t go anywhere this is going to be fun’ said Derek to Ziz.
Ziz felt a deep rage building up inside him. The world is unfair. Why would someone want to kill him for nothing? What is wrong with people? Well he’s not getting away with it. Looking around the room for something sharp Ziz remembered the broken piece of hairpin he had brought for emergencies, it would do. He got it out and hurriedly made his way towards one of Dereks trainer’s hiding inside. He had a plan.
About 5 minutes passed before Derek returned to his room but to Ziz it seemed like forever. The door opened slowly, and Derek’s voice rang out
‘I knew you would hide. But you’re not going to get away. You’re going to meet my good friend Slinky.’
Ziz faked a small scream to alert Derek he was in his shoe.
‘Got ya!’
Derek’s hand reached clumsily into the show grabbing and trying to pull Ziz out. As soon as got close enough, Ziz plunged the sharp hairpin deep into his finger causing him to cry a loud cry of pain. Ziz took his chance and made for the doorway.
‘No you don’t!’ Derek raced for the door and slammed it shut blocking Ziz’s escape. A deep feeling of dread overcame Ziz and he fell to his knees and began crying. What happened next was abit of a blur. As Derek raised his foot, preparing to stamp down on top of Ziz the door swung open, and Derek’s mother rushed in making straight for Derek. Already being off balance Derek was taken aback by this and fell straight on his back. Ziz regained his senses first and made for the door. He made it out and ran faster then he ever had for the stairs.
‘Derek, Derek! Are you alright? I heard you scream’
‘Mum get away from me! The goblin, hes escaping!’
‘What on earth are you talking about? Have you hit your head..’
Ziz didn’t catch the last bit of their conversation. He took the stairs one at a time and made it do the bottom heading straight for the chute that would bring him safety. He felt on top of the world, he could do anything. As he entered the kitchen he noticed a half eaten cheese sandwich on the table. His family would eat tonight afterall.
