bainteor
Banned
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2011
- Messages
- 482
This post will not come as a surprise to many people. Many times in the past I have said my goodbyes, only to reappear (to the general apathy and amusement of the FreddysHouse community). However, my motives for this thread are entirely different to my previous pitiful departures and subsequent returns caused by the vicissitudes in my emotions. So please, give me a chance and read this. It is not attention that I seek. I have not posted since September and only returned once during November to enable correspondence with someone. It has been 5 months, the longest period of time I have been away from FreddysHouse. Honestly, it has felt good being away; the only interest I have in briefly speaking to you is to clear up a few things and extend my arm of truce to those that have clashed with me.
May I begin with saying that, although they have been largely forgotten, some of the threats and personal insults have left a 'sour taste' (so to quote the popular idiom). However, because I am an adult (a fact which is surprising to a lot of you, I am sure) and admittedly more mature than I have been recently, I have tried to understand why I drove people to say such things about me.
A lot of the time I was an abhorrent, intolerable, narcissistic, provoking, conceited, bigoted, cowardly, insolent fool. For the most part of 7 years on FreddysHouse, I was all of these things and more.
Through reading my posts, I can accept this. I do not want to write a whole novel on how much of an idiot I was, that would bore all of us - but I can assure you that I have devoted a long time to self-reflection; a period of time that was required in order to do justice to those that I had offended over the years. It was necessary, albeit at times embarrassing and even painful. But it was necessary.
Sometimes, I like to think I conducted myself well, especially to those who I got on with (and who need no mention). Sometimes I was right about the way I was treated; often I was wrong. Through looking at people's opinions of me (as evinced in their posts) it really has helped build up a picture of what kind of person I was on FreddysHouse. Sometimes what was said about me was wrong; often it was right. This is the basis to which, to use a rather simple analogy, I hope to finish the last chapter and never read the book thereafter. This brings me to my main point.
This is, one could say, somewhat of an apology. However, I have written too many apologies for them to be taken seriously. I want this post to be one of armistice. I accept that what has been said cannot be rewritten. I accept that this post isn't going to make people like me all of a sudden, for I have used up all of my chances. I accept that many people will dismiss this post as trolling and probably insult me again. I accept that many people won't even read this bit and just leave an undesirable comment. However, I feel that it is not right for me to completely leave FreddysHouse without explaining to people that, in the end of the day, I am a humam being and my antics on these forums do not mean that I am altogether a bad one, but that at times I am not a particularly good one either.
I have no shame in humbling myself, because I deserve to be humbled. I was wrong, FreddysHouse was right. Once again, I am not saying sorry, sorry means nothing and will not convince anyone. I merely wish to say that I realise what kind of person I could at times be, and I am not proud of it one bit. I know that I never really upset people like I proudly claimed to have done, I just made them laugh and pity me. I wasn't even good at level 50, and so I played Thidranki. The fact that my own failings in life seemed to occur also in DAoC angered me such that I became a detestable person on the forums.
If anything of particular significance comes up in this thread then I would probably answer it, but otherwise there really is little need to. I have said what I wanted to say. If I were to be remembered I would like it to be as someone who had things missing in his life, and tried to compensate for this by being someone who he was not; confident, intelligent, self-assured and powerful. Dorimor tried to be all of these things, but he was not, because I am not. I created a persona that was destructive to no one else but myself, in my desire to be all these things I overestimated their importance. I thought they were better than being a good human being.
I like to think that I am becoming a better person; but the next 10 years of my life will be the judge of that. Nothing else.
May I begin with saying that, although they have been largely forgotten, some of the threats and personal insults have left a 'sour taste' (so to quote the popular idiom). However, because I am an adult (a fact which is surprising to a lot of you, I am sure) and admittedly more mature than I have been recently, I have tried to understand why I drove people to say such things about me.
A lot of the time I was an abhorrent, intolerable, narcissistic, provoking, conceited, bigoted, cowardly, insolent fool. For the most part of 7 years on FreddysHouse, I was all of these things and more.
Through reading my posts, I can accept this. I do not want to write a whole novel on how much of an idiot I was, that would bore all of us - but I can assure you that I have devoted a long time to self-reflection; a period of time that was required in order to do justice to those that I had offended over the years. It was necessary, albeit at times embarrassing and even painful. But it was necessary.
Sometimes, I like to think I conducted myself well, especially to those who I got on with (and who need no mention). Sometimes I was right about the way I was treated; often I was wrong. Through looking at people's opinions of me (as evinced in their posts) it really has helped build up a picture of what kind of person I was on FreddysHouse. Sometimes what was said about me was wrong; often it was right. This is the basis to which, to use a rather simple analogy, I hope to finish the last chapter and never read the book thereafter. This brings me to my main point.
This is, one could say, somewhat of an apology. However, I have written too many apologies for them to be taken seriously. I want this post to be one of armistice. I accept that what has been said cannot be rewritten. I accept that this post isn't going to make people like me all of a sudden, for I have used up all of my chances. I accept that many people will dismiss this post as trolling and probably insult me again. I accept that many people won't even read this bit and just leave an undesirable comment. However, I feel that it is not right for me to completely leave FreddysHouse without explaining to people that, in the end of the day, I am a humam being and my antics on these forums do not mean that I am altogether a bad one, but that at times I am not a particularly good one either.
I have no shame in humbling myself, because I deserve to be humbled. I was wrong, FreddysHouse was right. Once again, I am not saying sorry, sorry means nothing and will not convince anyone. I merely wish to say that I realise what kind of person I could at times be, and I am not proud of it one bit. I know that I never really upset people like I proudly claimed to have done, I just made them laugh and pity me. I wasn't even good at level 50, and so I played Thidranki. The fact that my own failings in life seemed to occur also in DAoC angered me such that I became a detestable person on the forums.
If anything of particular significance comes up in this thread then I would probably answer it, but otherwise there really is little need to. I have said what I wanted to say. If I were to be remembered I would like it to be as someone who had things missing in his life, and tried to compensate for this by being someone who he was not; confident, intelligent, self-assured and powerful. Dorimor tried to be all of these things, but he was not, because I am not. I created a persona that was destructive to no one else but myself, in my desire to be all these things I overestimated their importance. I thought they were better than being a good human being.
I like to think that I am becoming a better person; but the next 10 years of my life will be the judge of that. Nothing else.
