Going emo I guess...

[Thorwyn]

So...

my father is in the hospital and chances are that he won´t make it back home.

It was obvious that this was bound to happen at some point. He is old, he is *very* ill and he basically spent the last couple of years suffering and struggling. I`m not complaining, neither is he, because that´s the path of life. As I´m typing this, I`m trying to sort out my emotions about all this. My house is just a couple of hundred meters away from the hospital and I can see the building from my living room.

It´s a weird and surreal experience. I feel sorry for him, because he deserved a better way to die than the incremental lifedrain and the complete loss of dignity he went through over the years. But then, I also find it hard to feel sadness and that´s something that´s scaring the crap out of me. Or maybe that´s not right. I do feel sad, but the sadness I feel just doesn´t "feel right". Doesn´t make any sense if you read it, but that´s how it is.

He was not the worst father in the world. He realy tried hard to be a good one, but he failed over and over and - unintentionally - caused so much damage on me and the entire family that we´re probably never be able to sort it all out. As my mind is wandering over the years, I`m trying to find situations to pat him on the back for. And indeed there are some. But then, I can´t help but stumble over tons of situations where he went horribly wrong. Now, I can´t say that his life is all fail. I`m his son and although it was certainly not intended to be that way, I guess I grew up an became a decent - if a little difficult - person.

If I could turn back time, would I have done anyhing differently? No.
Should he have done anything differently? Maybe.
Do I love him? Yes.
Does that change anything about my mixed emotions? No!

 

[old.Tohtori]

Just talk to him, sort it all out, say everything, leave nothing unsaid, have a nice handshake and do your part to make him leave this world a happy man.

Hell, payback stops at death. After that, scores settled and deeds are done.

To "help you out"(f*ck anything can do about it really), i don't have a model father myself, but i've always thought that in his worst, he taught me the best by an example of what not to do. Your old man taught you the same. By doing XYZ, you know not to do so.

Not gonna get much sympathy from this direction(not in my blood to lie about that sort of thing), other should provide that, but all i'll say about it is; you'll get over it and you'll do it faster if you don't leave things undone/said.

EDIT: Oh and forgot to say, there's a difference in a dad-son, son-mother, daughter-father etc relationships. What you're going through, especially if yiou have a less then modeldad(many won't get that, trust me), you don't feel the kind of bawl your eyes out sadness, it's more of a "Huh, well, shit.". It doesn't mean you're cold about it, it's just how the relationship was and is.

 

[Thorwyn]

Not gonna get much sympathy from this direction(not in my blood to lie about that sort of thing), other should provide that, but all i'll say about it is; you'll get over it and you'll do it faster if you don't leave things undone/said.

I´m not looking for sympathy, I`m old enough to live without that. I just had to write down my "stuff" and give me a way to reflect it.

But thanks for your input. I partially agree with what you said, although I fear that the state of being able to "tell him everything" is way gone.
I´m snookered.

 

[Imgormiel]

Just buried a friends father today. Still wrenches me that I never got to sort any shit out with my own father before he died. Sucks and yeah Thor, it does stay with you for good. As they have said, get it done and dusted. The guilt just aint worth it.

 

[Olgaline]

Often Thor, the sadness comes later..
I dont entirely know why that is, but at least i know it's held true for me.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Well Thor, more for you then, get your thoughts out even if it feels moot.

No need to say anything negative though, why bother with that now and if all is said, all the better.

Main thing though, considering your initial post; there's no such thing as wrong feelings.

You feel what you feel and if anyone says it's wrong, they can go, to put it politely, f*ck themselves

 

[Zenith.UK]

Make the time to have some conversations with him about some inane shit.
While you're at it, subtly turn the conversation towards memories and experiences of his life. Impressions of people and places, people he got on with, people he didn't get on with, hell even his parents and grandparents if you can.
One of my personal wastes of time is researching my family's history and I have so many questions left unanswered which could so easily have been answered by those no longer with us.

I don't know how your dad's taking it. My father-in-law was in complete denial, even on the day he died. It made it difficult to discuss some things because he was always of the mind he was going to get better.

I'm sorry for the hard time you're all going through.

 

[Lamp]

all you can do is to make the most of the time you have left together

sorry to hear about your situation

 

[Ezteq]

Think what he wants, if he wants to have long soul searching conversations and exorcise old demons then that could be a very useful way to spend time together, however maybe just bring in a laptop and watch a movie (one that you both share fond memories of that'll make you laugh) not saying much but just having a nice time, maybe that might be ultimately more productive.

I don't know about trying to fix old memories, they happened and you are stuck with them (sadly) but how about just making some new, nice ones so that you can both think of what is probably a really horrible, sad and bloody hard time for you and see something nice that came out of it?

Anyway whatever you do, the past is the past and like I said you can't undo it and sometimes scraping about in it is productive and helpful and sometimes it is the opposite get stuff off your chest if need be but always just remember once something is out there you can't put it back

Anyway I hope you find a way to cope and spend time with your dad that makes you feel better and my thoughts are with you sweetie
xxx

 

[Roo Stercogburn]

Doesn't sound emo to me. Sounds genuine.

Very difficult times and I hope your path through leads to a sense of completion for all the mixed emotions you are experiencing.

Realistically you're going to run the full gamut of feelings. Let it flow, accept them. The transition will be easier then (not easy, I didn't say easy).