Funnyist Jokes in the World Ever

[old.Rembrandt]

Q; Whats invisible and smells of carrots?
A; Bunny farts

Q; Whats red and sits in the corner?
A; A baby playing with razor blades.

Q; Whats green and sits in the corner?
A; The same baby three weeks later.

Q; How many mice does it take to screww in a light bulb?
A; Two, but feck only knows how they got in there.

Q; How many Real men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A; None. Real men arn't afraid of the dark.

Q; How many Real women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A; None. Real women have Real men around to change lightbulbs for them.

 

[old.Luap2]

Q; How many mice does it take to screww in a light bulb?
A; Two, but feck only knows how they got in there.

lol

 

[WPKenny]

What do you call a fly without any wings?
A walk.

Two nuns sitting on a bench when a naked man walks past. One nun had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.

Two irish men walking through a field. One turns to the other and says "Awww, look Paddy, a dead bird." Paddy says "Where?" as he looks up at the sky.

How do you know if there's an elephant in the fridge?
The door won't close.

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

What's pink goes round and round and taps on glass?
A baby in a microwave.

What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.

Agony? A one armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy bollocks.

What's worse than ten babies in one bin?
One baby in ten bins.

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Finding half a maggot.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Erm..okay, I'll stop now..I got plenty more but I don't want give away my whole repertour now do i?

 

[Nibbler]

Originally posted by WPKenny Two nuns sitting on a bench when a naked man walks past. One nun had a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

You made me spill my drink!

 

[old.[CS]Sentinel]

[Non-PC] FUCKING ROFL!!!!![/Non-PC]

Seriously thats not funny. If you're being PC that is....

So this guy wakes up with a stinking hangover one morning after going out on the lash. He gets a phonecall from his friend who asks how he is.

"I feel awful mate. Totally humiliated"

"Whys that?" His friend asks.

"Well, you see when I came home last night, I was so pissed I just starting blowing chunks!! I mean, I was blowing chunks in the hall, the kitchen, the bedroom - bloody everywhere!!"

"Thats alright," His friends says, "Everyone gets drunk and throws up now and then!"

"No, no, no!" Insists the guy "I don't think you get it - Chunks is my dog."


Heehaw

Sent

 

[old.Morpheus]

What steams and comes out of cows?






















The Isle of Wight Ferry.

m00.

 

[*Kornholio*]

Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats parsley

 

[Perplex]

eaaarrghhh...I couldnt help it

In fact...I'm wrestling with the overwhelming urge to tell another incredibly non-PC joke...

 

[luap]

There's non PC and there's fecking stupid.

This thread was supposed to be a laff

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other. "Can you smell fish"?

 

[old.Cpl_Custard]

Why did the queer get sacked from his job at the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

I honestly can't remember if i have posted this already, it is 2:40 AM.

 

[old.Morpheus]

Two teddy bears in an airing cupboard. Which one is in the army?

The one on the tank!

 

[WPKenny]

So no Jew jokes? Damn..ok..well erm...I'm Irsh so lets try some of them...

Stupid Irish Inventions (I'm sure you've all heard of these..)

Chocolate Kettle
Inflatable Dartboard
Waterproof Tea-bag
Under water hair dryer
Umbrella with holes in so you can see where you're going

Erm..go on then..add some more to that list..I can't be arsed to tell you them all. )

An irishman goes to america to make his fortune. He's looking around for a job when he sees an advert looking for Lumberjacks to chop trees just outside of town. So he wanders up and meets the foreman. The foreman tells him that all his men can do at least 100 trees a day and he'll put him on trial to start with.
At the end of the first day the foreman counts the trees Paddy has chopped down and it comes to a grand total of 97.
The foreman scratches his chin and says "Well, you're so close, I think I'll give you another day and see if you improve."
So at the end of the next day, the foreman counts the trees Paddy has cut down and the total comes to 98. The foreman has another think and says "You're nearly there. Let's see if you can reach quota tomorrow. Otherwise I'm going to have to let you go."
So at the end of the third day, the foreman comes along agin and counts Paddy's tree "97...98....99. Damn. 99 Trees. That's so close." So the foreman has another think. He really wants Paddy to get the jobas he's sucha nice guy so he picks up Paddy's chainsaw to check wether it's working ok...anything he can do to help. As he starts the chainsaw and it roars to life, Paddy jumps out of his skin and yells "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NOISE?"

Bah, boom, tsch. I thankyou!

Christ that joke was too long. Ok..shorter ones now....

What's black and deadly?
A crow with a machine gun.

Why Lietenant Urhura black?
Cos William Shatner. (Think about it!)

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!

Three tampons walking down the street, which is the most likely to say hello?
None, they're all stuck up cunts.

What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers?
You can only get one cunt in a pair of knickers.

I thankyou...

 

[bodhi]

This is the most un-PC joke ever, and it is the one Perp is dying to tell.

Q. Whats the difference between an apple pie and a jewish baby?
A. The Apple Pie doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.

I'll get me coat......

Two nuns in a bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap?" the other one says "Yes it does doesnt it".

 

[Perplex]

lol bods...omg..errmm...he's lying folks!

 

[Wij]

ugh :/

 

[ReActor]

Damn you Bods, i was going to do that one. The problem with dodgy jokes is that they stick in your mind much more clearly than non-dodgy ones.

Two paedophiles are on the beach, one says to the other "Do you mind getting out of my sun?"


(Puns don't work as well when you write them down.)

Q. What do women have in common with KFC?
A. Once you get past the leg and breast stage, you have a stinky, sweaty box to put your bone in.

Q. What's the definition of a milk shake?
A. Parkinson's victim holding a yogurt.
(Courtesy of DNM)

Q. What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A. Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

 

[xenon2000]

A man walks into a bar.... ouch!

 

[xenon2000]

err, sorry

Have some more:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes nor legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes nor legs who is chewing a Razorblade?
Still no bloody idea

What do you call a man who has been buried for 2000 years?
Pete

What do you call a man who hangs off the back of a car?
Reg

What do you call a man without lower legs?
Neil

What do you call a man with rabbits up his arse?
Warren

What do you call a man you swims around harbours pulling boats?
TUG

(they get better)

**Blonde jokes**

Why did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow fell on her

Why dont blondes work as lift attendants?
They cant remember the route

How can you tell a blonde has been using your PC?
Tippex on the screen

How can you tell a blonde has been in your fridge?
Lipstick marks on the cucumber

What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A shower has to be turned on before it's wet

Why can't blondes count to 70?
69 is a bit of a mouthfull

How do you get a blonde to laugh on a monday morning?
Tell her a joke on friday night

Why did the blonde Parachutist fall to her death?
Her snorkel wouldn't open

**************************

What does Tofu have in common with a Vibrator?
They're both meat substitutes

What do performing cunnilingus and being in the mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

If a man and a woman are thrown off a cliff, who reaches the shore first?
The man... the woman has to stop and ask for directions

What is the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An Elephant's Foreskin

A frenchman comes to stay with his welsh cousin, who is a sheppard. One evening, while they are hearding sheep, one of the sheep escapes, runs off and gets it's head stuck in a fence. So they run over to it, and the welshman says "Look 'ere, boyo, this is too good a chance to miss!" So he unzips his fly, pulls down his trousers and buggers the sheep for 10 minutes non-stop. After finishing, he says to the frenchman, "Ah, that was bloody brilliant, boyo, d'you wanna try it?" So the french man says: "Zootalore! Of course!" So unzips his fly, pulls down his trousers....... and sticks his head through the fence

What do you do if you see half a welshman running towards you?
Reload

How can you tell a frenchman has been in your garden?
Your dustbin is empty and your cat is pregnant

How does a Microwave differ from George Michael?
A microwave stops when you open the door

How many intellegent CounterStrike players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them


er... one more:

What happened when the nurse swallowed a scalpel?
Three of the doctors were circumsised

 

[WPKenny]

Originally posted by ReActor
Q. What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A. Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Damnit..why is it the sick ones are the funniest. I wanna tell a REALLY sick joke I know...it's about Jews and WW2. So I'm not even gonna go there.


This guy goes into a bar with an aligator. The barman looks horrified and says "You can't bring that in here!" The man replies "It's okay, he's perfectly tame." And he prceeds to prove it by getting his cock out and putting it between the jaws of the aligator and smashing it over the head with a bottle. The aligator hardly blinks.
A little old lady wanders over from a corner of the pub and says "Wow, do you mind if I have a go?". The man replies "Certainly madam." "Great," she says, "Just don't me me so hard over the head ok?"

 

[*Kornholio*]

Originally posted by xenon2000
How many intellegent CounterStrike players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them

hehehe... that would be me & you then 'eh ??

 

[Wij]

duh. It said INTELLIGENT !!!

/me runs away like a girl...

 

[*Kornholio*]

/me takes aim and puts a round from the deagle right in the back of the head of the girly figure running away...

 

[Stazbumpa]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.


How many estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?

10, but we'll accept 8.


I get worse.

 

[luap]

How many estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?

10, but we'll accept 8.

I get worse. [/B]

LL

 

[old.Rembrandt]

Gotta agree, the sickest ones are the funniest.

here's some more

Q; How many road workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A; Seven. One to change the bulb, one to make the tea and the rest to stand around looking busy.

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck,
She put them on the mantlepeice,
To see if they would ... dance.

Q; What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
A; Apologise and run like hell.

Q; What do you do if you see a herd of elephants comming over a hill?
A; Grab your snorkel and swim for it.

 

[old.Japes]

A horse walks into a pub and approaches the bar.
The barman asks the horse "Why the long face?"
--
A farmer out shooting one day comes across a stunning young blonde, lying naked in a field.

"Are you game?" asked the farmer.

"Oh! Yes!" replied the blonde.

So he shot her.
--
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls
out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
--
A man was driving along the road when he sees a nun walking alone. Out of his good nature he picks the nun up and offers her a lift.

While driving along the man asked the nun how hard it was to avoid sexual activity. She responded by telling him that she actually was quite often involved sexually with other Catholics. The man, seeing his chance to get some, responded by telling her he was a Catholic and had often dreamt of getting sucked off by a holy women.

The nun seemed excited by this and told him to pullover where she proceeded to give him the best blowjob he'd ever had.

Once done, they continued driving when the man started feeling guilty and told the nun that he wasn't, actually, a Catholic, but a baptist.

"That's okay, I lied too. My name's Frank and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

 

[Wij]

hehe. good ones

 

[Stazbumpa]

Stop me if you've heard this one:

A Ventriloquist goes to a farm for a laugh, and says to the farmer: "mind if I have a word with your dog?"
Farmer says: "Dogs don't talk do they, you won't get much of a conversation"
"Wait and see" says the ventriloquist and turning to the dog, asks it how it is.
"Fine" says the dog, "My master takes me for walks and feeds me well. I have a good life here."
The farmer is most suprised, and the ventriloquist then says "mind if I have a word with one of your horses?"
Again the farmer refuses to believe that his animals can talk: "horses don't talk".
The ventriloquist asks the horse the same question, to which the horse replies " I have a big field to run in and a nice warm stable to sleep in, lots of hay to eat, so I am happy here"
By now the farmer is most freaked out "I'm surrounded by talking animals!" he says.
The ventriloquist then says "mind if I have a word with one of your sheep" at which point the farmer goes white and blurts out "sheep are nothing but filthy liars, don't believe a word any of them say!!"


Sorry.


Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper three nails and says "can you put me up for the night?"


I saw The Crow last night, so thats why thats in here

 

[old.Rembrandt]

A salesman calls at a remote farmhouse, as luck would have it the farmer has a young and nubile daughter who is sickening for some male company. As salesmen are wont to do he seduces and beds the girl and after they have done the deed the girls father bursts in with his shotgun.
"I'm going to blow you balls off for this" he yells.
"No, No, you can't" shreiks the salesman "give me a chance".
"Alright" says the farmer "Swing 'em".

A bear walks into a bar, slams his mits on the counter and says "I'll have a ...... pint of bitter please".
"Why the big pause?" says the barman