Got this in my weekly satirical news letter.(TFT). ..seeing as TC was getting a hammering in an earlier thread, thought I would share it
A FEW GOOD MENTALISTS
=
There comes a point where you really have to feel sorry for Tom
Cruise. Sure he believes that we're all operating thetans who
have existed for tens of trillions of years; sure he believes
that some of our past traumas have been deliberately implanted
into our bodies by extraterrestrial dictatorships such as
Helatrobus; sure he believes that the alien tyrant Xenu brought
billions of people to Earth and blew them up with hydrogen bombs
75 million years ago, and that the souls of these dead people
still cling to the living, including his baby daughter Suri,
whose placenta he threatened to eat just the other day... sorry,
what were we saying?
Oh, yes, you really do have to feel for him. Not only is he
madder than an army of hungry hungry hillbillies, but also, every
single day he has to put up with people he's never met writing
the most terrible lies about him. He's gay, they say. His
relationship with Katie Holmes is a sham, they say. He's so
desperately addicted to media exposure and the adoration of white
bread America that he has denied his glaring homosexuality all of
his life, donning a series of Grade A beards and then finally
paying one of them a fortune to pretend she's in love with him,
and even have a child she's prepared to claim is his - all for
PR, all for cash. When his people approached Scarlett Johansson
before Katie, they say, she turned him down.
Ultimately it's difficult to know where Cruise the media-made
madman ends and Cruise the real-life blithering loon begins.
All we can really know for sure is that whenever he jumps up and
down in public, he looks genuinely mad, and whenever he opens his
mouth to speak in public, he sounds genuinely mad. But anything
else - anything that doesn't come direct from the horse's ass of
his mouth, we really must take with a pinch of salt.
All this silent birth malarkey for example. Are we really dumb
enough to believe that? Sure L Ron Hubbard wrote that no words
should be spoken during childbirth, and sure there were pictures
in the tabloids of big 'SHUSH' signs allegedly being delivered to
Cruise's home, but only last week in Now Magazine (or was it New
Magazine?), some Scientology bigwig claimed that the whole thing
was nonsense. 'Get real,' he said. And Cruise himself on a TV
interview last week said that Katie could make as 'make as much
noise' as she liked. This was the same interview incidentally, in
which he expressed a desire to devour his daughter's birthing
sac. Usually of course, if anyone eats the birthing sac, it's the
mother. But that's not to say there's any reason the father
shouldn't have a peck at it too. Of course, what they should have
done was donate the placenta to the homeless.
Ultimately, whatever the true extent of Cruise's dementia, we
pity him. Also, whatever the true extent of Holmes' emotional
involvement with Cruise and his 'religion', we pity her too. But
it is for tiny little Suri that we must reserve the lion's share
of pity. For it is Suri - perhaps already irreversibly damaged by
Cruise's continual amateurish prodding at her foetus with his
ultrasound machine - who must grow up surrounded by powerful
crazies telling her insane stories about Xenu and his Galactic
Conspiracy. What we really need is some Free Suri merchandise.
Oh, here it is: http://www.cafepress.com/mccam/1372987
Sorted.
A FEW GOOD MENTALISTS
=
There comes a point where you really have to feel sorry for Tom
Cruise. Sure he believes that we're all operating thetans who
have existed for tens of trillions of years; sure he believes
that some of our past traumas have been deliberately implanted
into our bodies by extraterrestrial dictatorships such as
Helatrobus; sure he believes that the alien tyrant Xenu brought
billions of people to Earth and blew them up with hydrogen bombs
75 million years ago, and that the souls of these dead people
still cling to the living, including his baby daughter Suri,
whose placenta he threatened to eat just the other day... sorry,
what were we saying?
Oh, yes, you really do have to feel for him. Not only is he
madder than an army of hungry hungry hillbillies, but also, every
single day he has to put up with people he's never met writing
the most terrible lies about him. He's gay, they say. His
relationship with Katie Holmes is a sham, they say. He's so
desperately addicted to media exposure and the adoration of white
bread America that he has denied his glaring homosexuality all of
his life, donning a series of Grade A beards and then finally
paying one of them a fortune to pretend she's in love with him,
and even have a child she's prepared to claim is his - all for
PR, all for cash. When his people approached Scarlett Johansson
before Katie, they say, she turned him down.
Ultimately it's difficult to know where Cruise the media-made
madman ends and Cruise the real-life blithering loon begins.
All we can really know for sure is that whenever he jumps up and
down in public, he looks genuinely mad, and whenever he opens his
mouth to speak in public, he sounds genuinely mad. But anything
else - anything that doesn't come direct from the horse's ass of
his mouth, we really must take with a pinch of salt.
All this silent birth malarkey for example. Are we really dumb
enough to believe that? Sure L Ron Hubbard wrote that no words
should be spoken during childbirth, and sure there were pictures
in the tabloids of big 'SHUSH' signs allegedly being delivered to
Cruise's home, but only last week in Now Magazine (or was it New
Magazine?), some Scientology bigwig claimed that the whole thing
was nonsense. 'Get real,' he said. And Cruise himself on a TV
interview last week said that Katie could make as 'make as much
noise' as she liked. This was the same interview incidentally, in
which he expressed a desire to devour his daughter's birthing
sac. Usually of course, if anyone eats the birthing sac, it's the
mother. But that's not to say there's any reason the father
shouldn't have a peck at it too. Of course, what they should have
done was donate the placenta to the homeless.
Ultimately, whatever the true extent of Cruise's dementia, we
pity him. Also, whatever the true extent of Holmes' emotional
involvement with Cruise and his 'religion', we pity her too. But
it is for tiny little Suri that we must reserve the lion's share
of pity. For it is Suri - perhaps already irreversibly damaged by
Cruise's continual amateurish prodding at her foetus with his
ultrasound machine - who must grow up surrounded by powerful
crazies telling her insane stories about Xenu and his Galactic
Conspiracy. What we really need is some Free Suri merchandise.
Oh, here it is: http://www.cafepress.com/mccam/1372987
Sorted.
