Funny jokes?
- Thread starter Case
- Start date
chretien
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Dec 24, 2003
- Messages
- 1,078
What's E.T. short for?
Why do elephant's trunks all look the same?
How do you get down off an elephant?
What's brown and runny?
Cos he's only got little legs!
Why do elephant's trunks all look the same?
Cos they all belong to the same swimming club!
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get down off a duck"
What's brown and runny?
Jesse Owens!
Cerb
I am a FH squatter
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2005
- Messages
- 5,033
k this is a lon and old one i heard ages ago
Murpheys nails
Ok there was this irish guy called sean murphey and hes was part of a real old very catholic irish family who for a hundred years had owned a nail making company....but the family bussiness was going down hill so murphey decided to make a television advert to proemote his company so he went to the studio and asked them to do one for him as he explained he knew nothin about television as there wasnt even one in his home the nearest one was in the local bar. He siad "make it spectacular but at the same time tasteful...im part of a respectable catholic family"..."n problem siad the studio you just watch tomorrow night after the six o clock news and well have it for you"
So murphey and all his family and all the neibhous in the small village crowded into the local the next night and watched for the new add........the news ended and it came on......there was a green field....a cross in the middle of the field...on the cross was none other than jesus himself screaming in agony....and then in the bottom right corner a caption appeared... ........"They used murpheys nails!!!!"
Murphey went crazy..the next day he want back to the studio and threatend to kill the producer if he didnt change it "who would by my nails after that kind of blasphemy he roared"......"no problem, no problem we'll change it sir we'll make it much better we'll fix it you just watch same time tomorrow"
so the next day the whole village crowded once again into the local and watched...the news ended and the add came on...the same green field appeared....the same cross....but on the cross...no jesus.....but a small bundle of nails was left at its base..however jesus could be seen legging it in the distance and jumping over the wall....and then in the bottom right corner appeared the caption..."they should have used Murpheys nails!!!"
soz if its old just thought it was good myself( irish ftw!! )
Murpheys nails
Ok there was this irish guy called sean murphey and hes was part of a real old very catholic irish family who for a hundred years had owned a nail making company....but the family bussiness was going down hill so murphey decided to make a television advert to proemote his company so he went to the studio and asked them to do one for him as he explained he knew nothin about television as there wasnt even one in his home the nearest one was in the local bar. He siad "make it spectacular but at the same time tasteful...im part of a respectable catholic family"..."n problem siad the studio you just watch tomorrow night after the six o clock news and well have it for you"
So murphey and all his family and all the neibhous in the small village crowded into the local the next night and watched for the new add........the news ended and it came on......there was a green field....a cross in the middle of the field...on the cross was none other than jesus himself screaming in agony....and then in the bottom right corner a caption appeared... ........"They used murpheys nails!!!!"
Murphey went crazy..the next day he want back to the studio and threatend to kill the producer if he didnt change it "who would by my nails after that kind of blasphemy he roared"......"no problem, no problem we'll change it sir we'll make it much better we'll fix it you just watch same time tomorrow"
so the next day the whole village crowded once again into the local and watched...the news ended and the add came on...the same green field appeared....the same cross....but on the cross...no jesus.....but a small bundle of nails was left at its base..however jesus could be seen legging it in the distance and jumping over the wall....and then in the bottom right corner appeared the caption..."they should have used Murpheys nails!!!"
soz if its old just thought it was good myself( irish ftw!! )
Basic_X
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2004
- Messages
- 2,240
Things Learned From Children
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Sharaft
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2005
- Messages
- 706
Why is PMS called PMS? Caus cow disease was allready used.
Three guys at the gates of heaven. St. Patrick says the one with the most tragic death lets into heaven. The first starts, I live in 2nd floor and i just got home early from work. I found my wife naked in bed and i suspected she was cheating on me. I looked around and i saw the veranda door was open. I walked out and a man was hanging there naked. I stomped on his fingers and he fell down in some bushes and survived so i ran for my refridgerator and threw it at him. Then i got a heart attack and died.
A most tragic death, he was now free to go to heaven.
The second guy said, I live in 3rd floor and I had just gotten out of shower and started to do some coreography, as im a dancing teacher. I got a little to close the edge on my veranda and i fell down. Luckily i fetched on to something on 2nd floor and i started to yell. Then a maniac came out stomped on my hand so i let go. I landed in some bushes and survived, but i got a heavy thing just in my head and i died.
This was also a tragic death so he was free to go to heaven.
Third guy came up, he said... hehe 'dis a funny one.. pictiure this..you are naked.. in a refridgerator...
Three guys at the gates of heaven. St. Patrick says the one with the most tragic death lets into heaven. The first starts, I live in 2nd floor and i just got home early from work. I found my wife naked in bed and i suspected she was cheating on me. I looked around and i saw the veranda door was open. I walked out and a man was hanging there naked. I stomped on his fingers and he fell down in some bushes and survived so i ran for my refridgerator and threw it at him. Then i got a heart attack and died.
A most tragic death, he was now free to go to heaven.
The second guy said, I live in 3rd floor and I had just gotten out of shower and started to do some coreography, as im a dancing teacher. I got a little to close the edge on my veranda and i fell down. Luckily i fetched on to something on 2nd floor and i started to yell. Then a maniac came out stomped on my hand so i let go. I landed in some bushes and survived, but i got a heavy thing just in my head and i died.
This was also a tragic death so he was free to go to heaven.
Third guy came up, he said... hehe 'dis a funny one.. pictiure this..you are naked.. in a refridgerator...
legaoniel
One of Freddy's beloved
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2003
- Messages
- 284
Anger management..
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello".
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an ***hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called ***hole #1.
He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "***hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.
Then I called ***hole #2.
He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, ***hole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work....
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello".
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an ***hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called ***hole #1.
He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "***hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.
Then I called ***hole #2.
He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, ***hole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work....
Ok this guy wins £50,000 on the lottery
Goes out buys a new rolls royce
He is going down the m6 in it and he sees something like 300 yards away
thinks wtf is that in front not having nothing beat me in my new rolls royce
and puts is foot down, he doing 90 mph he gets closer and looks it's a 3 legged chicken so he thinks fook this no 3 legged chicken is going to beat me in this new car and puts is foot down, he doing like 120 mph buy now and thinks no way am i going to ctach this i just follow it, this thing turns of and he follows it down some country roads this goes on for like 30 min finally it turns into a farm yard, the guy gets out of the rolls royce knocks door and some guy answers and he says hi mate you see a 3 legged chicken run in here, the guy says yes i bread em why, the bloke said you bread 3 legged chickens why? the bloke said well i like a leg and my wife likes a leg and my son likes a leg, bloke turns and said wow never heard of this 3 legged chicken what they taste like, the farmer said i don't no not fooking caught 1 yet
Goes out buys a new rolls royce
He is going down the m6 in it and he sees something like 300 yards away
thinks wtf is that in front not having nothing beat me in my new rolls royce
and puts is foot down, he doing 90 mph he gets closer and looks it's a 3 legged chicken so he thinks fook this no 3 legged chicken is going to beat me in this new car and puts is foot down, he doing like 120 mph buy now and thinks no way am i going to ctach this i just follow it, this thing turns of and he follows it down some country roads this goes on for like 30 min finally it turns into a farm yard, the guy gets out of the rolls royce knocks door and some guy answers and he says hi mate you see a 3 legged chicken run in here, the guy says yes i bread em why, the bloke said you bread 3 legged chickens why? the bloke said well i like a leg and my wife likes a leg and my son likes a leg, bloke turns and said wow never heard of this 3 legged chicken what they taste like, the farmer said i don't no not fooking caught 1 yet
Congax
Fledgling Freddie
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2004
- Messages
- 3,231
Got this from classforum, but cba with the translation so it's only for dutch/flemish folks.
(others can look at pics tho!)
Besten maneer den Burgemeester,
Allen zijn wij gelukkig en verheugd om den invoer van de wetten der stratengang, alsook gekend als de verkeerwettigheden. Zo is het niet meer permittereert om met den huifkar over de wandelgank te schreien, om uw patatters op den algemene doorgank te gooien of om uw poarde te stationeren voor den buur zijn elan.
Sinds het verkeer zo druk is geworden hebben wij ook bedacht een nieuwe regel, die van den voorrank. Kijkt hier een situatie:
Een kruispunt zoals we het kennen
Neem en pakt nu dat gij met uw huifkar komt van links op de prent, en er iemand komt van rechtover u. Geen probleem! Voesj. Maar pakt nu dat er iemand komt van rechts (onder op de prent), wat dan? Dan treedt deze regelk in voegen:
Komt erop neer, altijd die da van rechts komen mogen eerst. Gezien er nog geen rotondes in aanleg zijn moog je dat feitelijk gerust negeren.
Deze regelk is erg jolie en applicabel in den dagdagelijkse omgank. Maar! Fataal! Een malaise! Kijkt hier:
Neemt dat gij, den Jos (boven), den George (onder) en den Jean (rechts) tegelijk aanvaren op dit punt. Gij, gaat denken dat den george vooraangk heeft. Dat is juste. George, den dronkaard, op zijn beurt geeft de Jean, den stinkplakker, vooraang, haja. Dat is juste. Jean dan geeft onze Jos, met zijn skoon dochtere, de beurt. Maar Jean, correct dat hem is, geeft Uwen persoon de eer. Resultement? Niemand beweegt! En momenteel bestaat er ook geen enkele maniere om dit probleem te composteren. Geen enkel!
Daarom stel ik voor, in dezen open brief aan U, Meneer den burgemeester, om daar algauw een medicament voor te vinden. Mijn eerste plan is ingenieus en doordacht van aard:
Laat ze er eerlijk om spelen. Geen geweld, geen verhandel, geen beloftes der verkoop van dochters en sterke zonen, een simpel spel verstaanbaar voor de man van de straat, de meneer in het kostuum, en den boer op het veld. Een jeuke snijmes-steen-papier plaatsvindend tussen hen die rechtover elkaar komen te staan en daarna de twee victoriejen. Dat bevordert den babbel en den handel gelijk!
Nu ben ik mij der van bewust dat sommige pensionnees (de groeten aan tante Joseanne van ons Marie) niet goed meer ten voeten uit zijn om hieraan deel te nemen, en dat sommige meneren van het stad hun metalen voituren niet meer willen verlaten uit schrik voor de gewone man. Dezenrede heb ik een revolutionair voorstel: geef hem voorrang die uit de richting komt van de grote hemelbol!
Hier heeft duidelijk de Jean de baan voor zich, en vervolgens al zij die van links komen. Op duistere dagen gedenk simpelweg: 'smorgens hij uit het Oost, 'smiddags hij uit den zuid , 'savonds hij uit den West en dan, mocht het ooit gebeuren, 'snachts hij uit den Noord. Voor de wargeest is het aangeraden een kompas in het vaartuig aanwezig te houden.
Met vriendelijken groet,
Jaak.
(others can look at pics tho!)
Besten maneer den Burgemeester,
Allen zijn wij gelukkig en verheugd om den invoer van de wetten der stratengang, alsook gekend als de verkeerwettigheden. Zo is het niet meer permittereert om met den huifkar over de wandelgank te schreien, om uw patatters op den algemene doorgank te gooien of om uw poarde te stationeren voor den buur zijn elan.
Sinds het verkeer zo druk is geworden hebben wij ook bedacht een nieuwe regel, die van den voorrank. Kijkt hier een situatie:
Een kruispunt zoals we het kennen
Neem en pakt nu dat gij met uw huifkar komt van links op de prent, en er iemand komt van rechtover u. Geen probleem! Voesj. Maar pakt nu dat er iemand komt van rechts (onder op de prent), wat dan? Dan treedt deze regelk in voegen:
Komt erop neer, altijd die da van rechts komen mogen eerst. Gezien er nog geen rotondes in aanleg zijn moog je dat feitelijk gerust negeren.
Deze regelk is erg jolie en applicabel in den dagdagelijkse omgank. Maar! Fataal! Een malaise! Kijkt hier:
Neemt dat gij, den Jos (boven), den George (onder) en den Jean (rechts) tegelijk aanvaren op dit punt. Gij, gaat denken dat den george vooraangk heeft. Dat is juste. George, den dronkaard, op zijn beurt geeft de Jean, den stinkplakker, vooraang, haja. Dat is juste. Jean dan geeft onze Jos, met zijn skoon dochtere, de beurt. Maar Jean, correct dat hem is, geeft Uwen persoon de eer. Resultement? Niemand beweegt! En momenteel bestaat er ook geen enkele maniere om dit probleem te composteren. Geen enkel!
Daarom stel ik voor, in dezen open brief aan U, Meneer den burgemeester, om daar algauw een medicament voor te vinden. Mijn eerste plan is ingenieus en doordacht van aard:
Laat ze er eerlijk om spelen. Geen geweld, geen verhandel, geen beloftes der verkoop van dochters en sterke zonen, een simpel spel verstaanbaar voor de man van de straat, de meneer in het kostuum, en den boer op het veld. Een jeuke snijmes-steen-papier plaatsvindend tussen hen die rechtover elkaar komen te staan en daarna de twee victoriejen. Dat bevordert den babbel en den handel gelijk!
Nu ben ik mij der van bewust dat sommige pensionnees (de groeten aan tante Joseanne van ons Marie) niet goed meer ten voeten uit zijn om hieraan deel te nemen, en dat sommige meneren van het stad hun metalen voituren niet meer willen verlaten uit schrik voor de gewone man. Dezenrede heb ik een revolutionair voorstel: geef hem voorrang die uit de richting komt van de grote hemelbol!
Hier heeft duidelijk de Jean de baan voor zich, en vervolgens al zij die van links komen. Op duistere dagen gedenk simpelweg: 'smorgens hij uit het Oost, 'smiddags hij uit den zuid , 'savonds hij uit den West en dan, mocht het ooit gebeuren, 'snachts hij uit den Noord. Voor de wargeest is het aangeraden een kompas in het vaartuig aanwezig te houden.
Met vriendelijken groet,
Jaak.