Friday Joke thread

[Alan]

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class and that she belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I simply told her first class isn't going to London."

 

[eggy]

Not a joke, but found this on Bash:

Mike: I had a random thought in the shower just before
Mike: I think I was still half asleep
Mike: if you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?

 

[Karl]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

 

[Kerith]

what do you call a deer that can kick with all of its legs ?





bambidextrous !

xmas cracker jokes 4tw ppl

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

Not a joke, but found this on Bash:

Mike: I had a random thought in the shower just before
Mike: I think I was still half asleep
Mike: if you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?

:worthy:

 

[Melachi]

Not really a joke, but I didnt wanna make a new thread.

Tom Hanks in Big, alternate trailer

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/bigtrailer.html

 

[Calaen]

A guy walks into a bar on top of a skyscraper. He sits down next to a tall guy who looks like he’s had a lot to drink. The tall drunk looks at the bartender and says, “hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window, I would fall until the updraft would stop me, and it would carry me right back up to the top?” The bartender just shakes his head and walks away. The other man, who decides he could use a laugh says, “prove it.” So the tall guy walks over to the window and jumps out. He free-falls for a few seconds, but just before he hits the ground, he slows, and then floats right back up to the window. “Told ya,” he says, stepping back through the window.

“I gotta try that!” the other guy says, and jumps out the window, falling 100 floors to his death.

The bartender looks at the tall man and says, “Jesus, Superman, you are a real asshole when you drink.”

 

[Alan]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello ?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it."

"Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound to you?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to dial 9."

 

[Calaen]

A little boy walks in on his mum having a shower, he stands and stares at her. "Whats that?" he says, pointing to her crotch.
Embaressed and not wanting to talk about the birds and the bees just yet she replies "Oh, err thats where daddy hit me with an axe."

Spoiler

"Oooh right in the c*nt".

 

[Howley]

:worthy:

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

:worthy: legend ! :worthy:

 

[Karl]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

 

[Rhori]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

rofl good one

 

[Mybuddies]

A little boy walks in on his mum having a shower, he stands and stares at her. "Whats that?" he says, pointing to her crotch.
Embaressed and not wanting to talk about the birds and the bees just yet she replies "Oh, err thats where daddy hit me with an axe."

Spoiler

"Oooh right in the c*nt".

Old but made me lol in the office!

 

[evzy]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a
letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either .

Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

 

[evzy]

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptising folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: '' lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother- are you ready to find Jesus?'' Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: ''Yes , I am!'' he replies. And with that, the preacher grabs him under the water. moments later, he drags him back up, ''brother have you found Jesus?, no!, replies the drunk, with that the preacher graps him again and puts him under the water and waits a little longer, he then drags him back up and says, '' brother have you found Jesus ? again the drunk replies no, the preacher shakes his head and places him back under the water, this time for a little longer, after a couple of minutes the preacher drags him back up again yelling '' brother have you now found Jesus!? the drunk looks at him confused asking, are you sure this is where he fell in?

 

[evzy]

Frank calls his boss and says "Hey, boss I'm really sick. I've got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt, I don't think I can make it in to work today."
Frank's boss says "You know, Frank, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and ask her for a little sex. It makes me feel better and then I can go to work. You should try that".
Two hours later, the phone rings again, and the Boss picks up. It's Frank.
"Hey, boss. You were right, I feel great. I'll be at work soon. And hey, you've got a lovely house".

 

[evzy]

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you ugly old cow?."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly wretched face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are lippy..."

 

[evzy]

Barry the dog is wandering through the African savannah when he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
"Uh-oh," thinks Barry, "This could be dangerous." He sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching big cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Barry exclaims loudly, "Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But Barry clocks him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now Barry sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks "What the hell am I going to do now?". He sits back down with his back to the approaching leopard and, when they get within earshot, he barks, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back"




Ok will let someone else post a few now

 

[Aiteal]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. `

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks: That Paddy bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irish guy thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English cu*t again

 

[[SS]Gamblor]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. `

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks: That Paddy bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irish guy thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English cu*t again

:worthy:

 

[Kerith]

a little boy lives in a house with his mum, his dad and his brother.

one evening when his mum is makin dinner he walks into the kitchen, shes busy slicing the chicken and cuts her self "F*CK" she screams.
"whats f*ck mummy?" the little boy asked
"oh its nothin sweetie, just cutting the chicken" the mother hastely replied

then the little boy went upstairs to see his dad, who was shaving, and cut himself also, "SH*T" he preclaimed
"whats sh*t daddy?" the little boy enquired
"oh nothing son, its just shaving" the father replied

so then the boy went to see his brother, who was busy doing work, he jumped into his room and gave his brother a shock, who then messed up his homework "B*STARDS!" he shouted
"whats a bastard?" the boy asked
"oh, its nothing. just something im drawing"

then the doorbell rings, so the boy rushes downstairs.
he opens the door and its guests for his parents
"oh come in, my mums f*cking the chicken, my dads sh*ting himself and my brothers drawing b*stards"

 

[Pirkel]

And the Irish guy thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English cu*t again

ROFL that one made me squirt coke over my keyboard THANKS

 

[Overdriven]

What does somebody with 2 left feet buy?



flip flips

 

[Aiteal]

ROFL that one made me squirt coke over my keyboard THANKS

Hehe, my GF is still in Ireland whilst I'm working in England and she mailed me that today
Showed it to the english folks I work with and they all had a good laugh too

 

[Equador]

Excellent thread, keep the jokes coming!

 

[Infanity]

Not a "lol joke" or anything like that. Had a real good laugh tonight though.

Went to pictures to see "the fog" (Film was shit has nothing to do with the story though)

Looking around as you do to see which lasses look ok tonight and i spotted a girl who had her knickers on the outside of her pants. You had to be there to understand but honestly WHAT THE FUCK is going on - Anyone else saw this lately - New fashion or something ? At the end of the film walking out near her and i asked her "in a hurry on the way out of the house?" .. She went bright red everyone around who heard was laughing etc.

Really funny shit and has to be the best dressed person in a long time <o/

 

[Outlander]

Not a "lol joke" or anything like that. Had a real good laugh tonight though.

Went to pictures to see "the fog" (Film was shit has nothing to do with the story though)

Looking around as you do to see which lasses look ok tonight and i spotted a girl who had her knickers on the outside of her pants. You had to be there to understand but honestly WHAT THE FUCK is going on - Anyone else saw this lately - New fashion or something ? At the end of the film walking out near her and i asked her "in a hurry on the way out of the house?" .. She went bright red everyone around who heard was laughing etc.

Really funny shit and has to be the best dressed person in a long time <o/

sure ya did, dont worry I believe you!

 

[evzy]

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."

 

[evzy]

I invented a time machine tomorrow.

 

[evzy]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..............................






"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."