Rant Freedom in a long term relationship?

[russell]

On 'The Right Stuff' this morning, the topic is -Can you be a free spirit whilst in a long term relationship/ marriage?

Basically they are debating that if you retain your need to do different things /spend time by yourself -are you being a crap partner?

Some are saying that they literally dont have time to pursue their interests, or be 'themselves'. Another woman was very emotional as she described her busy week working and spending time with her family and that she just needed to escape for a couple of hours down the pub on friday nights.

She felt that although her husband was fine with it, her friends and family frowned on it.

I enjoy a marriage with good communication which allows me to retain an aspect of freedom by going to gigs/cinema/meals/pub/holiday's with other people. I sometimes feel that some other people find this hard to understand? My life still revolves around my family -but I need to do other stuff to. How is that wrong?

 

[Calaen]

It is not wrong, every year I take minimum 1 week just for myself.

I am planning on spending the rest of my life with my wife, so a week or two a year for each of us to just do what ever is convenient.

I find the people that live in each others pockets everyday fight for nothing and end up resenting each others company.

 

[elisera]

Everyone needs time on their own to unwind. It's natural... It's not saying you want to run off and never see your family again or anything like that, its just getting some breathing space..

For me it's little things like when i go to get my hair done. I know I can chill out and just enjoy it. For him it's me leaving him in peace while i get my hair done lol

I think the only time the problems come are if you go out and try to live like your family don't exist (eg pulling other people and pretending like you are still single)

 

[russell]

That is well put.
I dont go out 'on the pull'. I just need time away to be me and have fun.
Most people who know me and Mr Russell are fine, but some still frown and think its strange.
I say stuff them!!

 

[elisera]

I think if we were forced to do absolutely everything together we would kill each other!

Even at the weekends we tend to go and see Belgerath and his missus and its great as us girls get to have a gossip in one room while the guys bugger off into the other room and leave us in peace

Sort of doing things together but not

 

[Belgerath]

Damn it woman dont make me agree with you on a public forum its bad for my rep

 

[gunner440]

I think if we were forced to do absolutely everything together we would kill each other!

Even at the weekends we tend to go and see Belgerath and his missus and its great as us girls get to have a gossip in one room while the guys bugger off into the other room andplay on the Playstation

Fixed.

On a more serious note I think it helps the relationship. As mentioned by Calaen, what's a few weeks of 'me' time compared to a relationship spanning years.. or even decades.

Then again, I think it depends on the couple. I can imagine some personality types would be happy being in each other's company 24/7 and would shiver at the thought of being a week without their other half.

 

[elisera]

lol gunner don't encourage them... they are both trying to argue their point to get PS3s for christmas and its not happening!

 

[Belgerath]

Im getting World tour though so its not going to be quiet for long!

I do think its healthy to have free time though as to much together though and you will end up killing each other eventually.

My misses and myself went to Malta earlier this year for a week to a nice quiet area.

Great for a day or 2, by the end of the week we needed a holiday from each other!

 

[elisera]

Im getting World tour though so its not going to be quiet for long!

Yea but the issue then is we will be playing that while they have to find something else to do lol

 

[dysfunction]

I think its essential you have time to yourself...if you dont you could end up being resentful of your family for "smothering" you...

 

[tris-]

i dont see a problem with it. but my parents for example are pretty much 'the bestest friends' aswell as being married. for them it works to spend time together all the time but there is also no problems if one fucks off to do something.

ive found personally relationships are not for me at this moment. i want 100% control of my free time. i dont want to have to give x time here or 'book' a slot of time when i can do something on my own. i want to be able to be spontaneous and ive found having a hoe can dampen that.

i guess what ever method works for you is the method that is correct. on another note i think the wright show is a fucking complete waste of a television slot. along with that alan titwank show.

 

[elisera]

i want to be able to be spontaneous and ive found having a hoe can dampen that.

the issue there sounds more in your choice of women than relationships in general!

 

[Yoni]

For me there is definately a happy medium...

When I was married we did very little together we had our own friends, we went out drinking on our own.. our friends didn't really get on. He never held my hands in public or showed me any kind of affection when we were out... we never cuddled up on the sofa that was his domain and so I strayed... looking for companionship and affection.

My other long term relationship was the opposite, we did everything together and never did anything apart.. this was my fault and probably as a reaction to my marriage, however as time went on I begun to yearn friends of my own.. things I did for me etc etc etc but by that time the damage was done.. not his fault definitely mine as far as that area of our relationship was concerned he was not at fault at all.. he did everything I asked...

The relationship I am in now is long distance in that I live in the UK (and soon the Netherlands) and he lives in Sweden so we have times where we are not together and there is space.. sometimes very annoying as during times of emotional upset or happiness the one person you want to share it with is not there... however when we are together things feel as they should feel, nothing is taken for granted...

I think for each and every couple the time spent together / apart is very individual and a happy medium needs to be found with some give and take.. naturally as a relationship develops the time together or apart will change and there maybe some adjustments which need to be made by both in order for the relationship to continue to function...

Like the other thread it is all about communication

 

[Bodhi]

No. This is why if it floats, fucks or flies, I reckon you're better off paying by the hour.

 

[tris-]

the issue there sounds more in your choice of women than relationships in general!

i also base it on observing relationships from the outside. most of my friends are in long term ones (well 2+ years). for example; they have to ASK if its ok to do such and such at what ever date with their (i.e. me) friends.
my best friend in particular with his girlfriend have all their time arranged for the next year or so. if we want to see him we need to book a slot in so he can check with his girlfriend. believe it or not, our next slot is the 13th of december. some people may call this 'compromising'. i dont want to do that either. i just want to do what i want to when i want to.
fuck that. im not asking anyone if i can do anything, ever. if i wake up and i want to sit there wanking all day im not about to ask someone for permission to do it.

add to that, you also have to invest time into it. im too selfish for that i think. my time is my time.

 

[Milkshake]

Tris, I agree with you on most points - but the reason I often ask my girlfriend if that's alright is that she remembers dates and things we have on and I don't.

I should really get a diary

There is a massive benefit to doing what the hell you want, but it also seems to be easier to get through the world with someone behind you to support you.

If only I could get the best of both worlds :S

 

[Belgerath]

If only I could get the best of both worlds :S

If you work that 1 out you let me know ok

 

[tris-]

Tris, I agree with you on most points - but the reason I often ask my girlfriend if that's alright is that she remembers dates and things we have on and I don't.


There is a massive benefit to doing what the hell you want, but it also seems to be easier to get through the world with someone behind you to support you.

If only I could get the best of both worlds :S

thats a fair point at the top there. as for the second bit, thats what friends and strangers are for surely? youve got your friends there all the time. youve got strangers you can ask advice for an impartial view.

the only benefit i see is on the initmate side. personally im not fussed about that. i do not require affection from others and i can survive more than happily without it. although if i could find a woman who thinks the same as me, maybe something would work
id rather invest my time into personal development as i feel that gives me more to show for my investment.

 

[Belgerath]

id rather invest my time into personal development as i feel that gives me more to show for my investment.

The rewards of that are so much sweeter when you have someone to share it with.

 

[elisera]

the only benefit i see is on the initmate side. personally im not fussed about that. i do not require affection from others and i can survive more than happily without it.

Somehow I find that quite sad...

 

[nath]

Somehow I find that quite sad...

It's horses for courses isn't it. I'm the same, for me the idea of a relationship is really not appealing at all. Then again, for me that applies to non intimate relationships too. I'd love to win the lottery and move to the middle of nowhere and live by myself (well with a couple of great danes and a scottie).

 

[tris-]

i dont agree. personal development is all about me showing my self i can do more than i think i can.
it isnt affected by someone saying well done or not!
95% of my time is helping my self, 5% to help friends and family.

 

[Yoni]

Tris I feel when the right person comes a long you may want to re-evaluate your thoughts on this... (not a flame)...

For every harsh emotion I have felt due to relationship issues they have all been worth it every last little cut... why because emotions good and bad remind me I am alive that and when I look back I don't really remember the bad times in any detail but dwell on the carefree, fun exciting times...

 

[tris-]

Somehow I find that quite sad...

i find it sad that people DO REQUIRE intimacy. someone cannot function without relying on someone else. the individual requires someone else to touch them etc or they will have negative emotions. surely its benefit that for what ever reason, my emotions do not require someone else to stay positive? ive never been interested in having a partner, i tried it a few times. im actually happier not having to have that 'burden'.

i see people go from one relationship to another for fear of being alone. that is sad, in my opinion. maybe if these people can learn to be a stronger in their thinking they might be better off.

yoni, what reminds me im alive is when i achieve something for my self. be it benching extra kilograms in the gym or gaining new knowledge that i understand. i feel that if i can do something new, ive gained more in life than having 10 minutes of 'intimacy' or what ever.

i guess you can say i live for my self, but i do help others when i can and i enjoy social interactions before someone thinks im a hermit! although i admit i can only stand so much time around others before i need to be on my own to enojy my own company.

 

[Belgerath]

Yea but you dont NEED to require it to reap the benifits of being sucessful and sharing it someone.

I agree that i feel sad for those whom can't do without anyone in there lives.

But i feel equally sad for those whom proclaim as long as i have me ill be fine (to quote hot shots)

A combination of both is not only good for you but imo more rewarding

 

[elisera]

i find it sad that people DO REQUIRE intimacy. someone cannot function without relying on someone else.

Sorry but I completely disagree with you on this tris - I dont think wanting intimacy means you cannot function on your own

I would say I am still very independant despite being with my other half now for 7/8 years and getting married next March. I still spend alot of time on me and developing myself, as does he. But there is nothing nicer than being so close to someone and watching them grow and vice versa.

Its not about them saying you have done a good job its about taking the pleasure in sharing the experience with someone.

 

[tris-]

but cannot you also not see the benefit of that quote?

add to that, you can share achievments with friends without the same level of time commitment.

 

[elisera]

Yea but you dont NEED to require it to reap the benifits of being sucessful and sharing it someone.

I agree that i feel sad for those whom can't do without anyone in there lives.

But i feel equally sad for those whom proclaim as long as i have me ill be fine (to quote hot shots)

A combination of both is not only good for you but imo more rewarding

Totally agree despite the hot shots quote

 

[nath]

You lot seem to be discussing this as if one particular way is better. Surely it's entirely down to the personality of each person.