FH is my second home
Jan 23, 2004
"Get down!!"

The commander shouted as he dove into the trench. I pulled Gundolf down with me just in time. The shell landed right next to the riposte cannon we were fixing. Goddamn i hate this war. It all began a few years back as the forum people from VN had a visit from Teh Seel. Teh Seel managed to pull a fast one on them with a question about class balance. I remember the lols even to this day. Noone could believe they were daft enough to try and fix Teh Seels "problem" about how the trolls should be fixed because they can't sit on a bindstone as well as kobolds. Well it was a “balance” issue, but come on...


We ran in the trenches as the STFU shells started pouring in. We had only one chance to survive the bombardment. Modker. It was the best defence against this kind of an attack. The modker is a higly moderated bunker that connects most of the trenches. It has superb shielding against most types of flames. The last shell landed right next to the doorway as we dove in. Grr...too close for comfort. The freddies were tired, i could see it in their eyes. Sure we could flame a few noobs that came to the forums with some moronic comments, but we weren't fighting noobs here. These were veterans out there, the eleet soldiers from across the internet. I hate this.

"Everybody kewl?", the commmander asked.

Commander Leet. He came from nowhere, with the knowledge of leet and noob. Strange fellow. Some say he was a VN veteran who got tired of the morons over there and moved to some forum about kittens. Never believed it. If someone asked me, i believe he just became too good in the forums to stay there, you know, flaming becoming too easy, info found in nanoseconds, good. I didn't mind, we would be cancelled like a bad mmorpg by now if he didn't show up that day. I need to get some posts, a few info granades and a couple of clips of nonsense. I bet were not staying here for long.

I stocked up just in time, the commander was about to speak.

“Listen up noobs!”, lovely nickname...after almost 12 months, still noobs. As i said, strange fellow.

“The enemy is stlong and coming in laik that too. We need to wtfpwn them before they reach this modker! So kiss your modem goodbye 'cause we're going in hard!!”

“Hard...”. A new recruit from the hardware forums couldn't hold it in, he just had to snicker and poke his friend. “Bojojoing...”

It wasn't long before the hardware freddies were lolling and rofling like there was no tomorrow. Bad mistake. The commandder looked at them like they were an old, dirty thread from last year that someone dared to /bump up.

“For the ***** of the ***** why don't **** you ***** with a ***** i *** ******* ****** ****!******!!*****!!!!!!!”

Stlong asterixing....i was impressed. No wonder the commander was, well, the commander. The techies went from lol to wtf and finally to the pwned look you get when you get quoted for humping your mothers poodle. Actually, everyone and everything was quiet, too quiet. The commander ordered Tom to check the door and i could see that even he was concerned about the silence. It was like the forums were down....then it happened.


Tom never had a chance, the flames of the FOAD tank ate him up like a jaffacake. Me and Gundolf managed to tip over a tall box of noob shells and take cover behind it. The commander joined us with a quickposter, fully loaded with flames i never even dreamed of being possible with the english literature. The sounds from behind the box weren't pretty. The FOAD tank quickly took out anyone and everything that wasn't in any kind of cover. I didn't think anyone would survive the onslaught. I hate it when i'm right.

“I'll check it out sir...”

Gundolf always was...such a kissass. Well i can't deny it! He was always first here, first there, first to give “grats” and first to say “aww, play nice”. I don't think he ever flamed a noob in his life.

“All clear.”

We got up from behind the box of tipped noob shells. The sight was, how to put it nicely, wtfrific. I think even the commander had to take a moment, just to keep kewl. Dead bodies everywhere, noobs burned to lesser piles of poo then come out of chihuahuas, even the veterans were down. Things were pretty bad and getting ugly, that much was sure. We knew that a moment of rest would've been too much to ask...the silent chitter came from the trenches outside...

...noob..noob...sif sif...

“Run!!”, the commander shouted and we did. We headed towards the only exit in the palce, hoping that the FOAD tank wouldn't notice us and we might get out of there and head for the search engine. The chitter was coming closer. We all knew what they were. Hideous in appearance, stlong in what they did. The flooders. They eat anything that's left of the VN attacks, which usually isn't much.

“Help!”, Gundolf shouted from somewhere behind me. I thought he was right by my tail.

I turned around. Gundolf was laying in the trench, holding his ankle. He had tripped over an old sticky thread. The ones that were stickied ages ago in some distant forum and then forgotten as the forum segment just died. I was about to run and get him as i felt the hand of the commander on my shoulder...

“It's too late...he's pwned...”

I couldn't believe it, but i had no choice as the commander dragged me towards the search engine at the end of the trench. I saw the flooders closing in on Gundolf...he was scared and it showed. He wasn't a flamer for f*cks sake. As the search engine hummed to life and began to go through the forums to find a suitable, abandoned forum section to hide in, i heard Gundolf...it sounded like a 32k modem being tortured with a screenshot of a car. In 1:1 scale. A blinding flash of light hit my eyes as the commander finished the search.

“That's a good one...yes...they'll never expect it...”

I felt my stomach turn as we shifted through the forums. I had to take a moment to adjust my eyes before checking where we were....i wish i wouldn't have looked...it was bad...

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