Edwards day Part 1.

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Rubric

Guest
Last night Edward had had that same dream again, the one where he was Spiderman but he had lost those web firing things that strapped on his wrist. The dream troubled him. Edward had never really wondered about the meaning of dreams until yesterday afternoon, ironically before he had had the repetitive dream, when he saw Big Brothers Little Brother on Channel 4. How is that relevant you might wonder, well one of the contestants evicted from the house claims to know the meaning of dreams & was coming up with all sorts of crap explaining why people dreamt of fluffy pink seals drinking Cherryade. So Edward is sat in the office thinking about what this dream could mean. What did Spiderman symbolise & more importantly how significant was the lack or web weaving equipment to his life. At this point Paul who was celebrating his redundancy offer as he had been for the last week decided to engage Edward in conversation. Edward not really listening to Paul decided that this was a good time to announce his dream to the members of the office in the immediate vicinity. Mary who had unsuccessfully tried to get out of a mountain of work just 30 minutes previously ignored Edward completely, Paul just turned away & Terry looked at Edward strangely and suggested Paul’s counsellor who was helping him cope with redundancy would maybe be better placed seeing Edward this afternoon. None of this helped Edward figure out the meaning of his dream. Edward frustrated decided that these are not the things best thought about too much and decided to surf the web some more on the look out for good ideas for making money that did not involve working in an office.

Lunchtime arrives and Edward is no closer to finding the big money making idea that he needs. Frustrated for the second time today Edward decides that nicotine is required. Also a good opportunity to see if the injured bird in the bike shed known as smokers corner had died yet. Ah good he thought to himself smoker’s corner is empty this may be the time to put the bird out of its misery. Edward searched but could not find the injured sparrow anywhere. Frustrated for the third time today Edward lit his second cigarette of the lunch break. Taking long drags of his cigarette he wondered if the short woman from the second floor would be out today. She wasn’t much to look at but Edward was sure she would have sex with him if only he could find a suitable line of flirtation. She gave the impression she was a bit of a man-eater & Edward thought it wouldn’t hurt to find out. Edward was left frustrated again, as she didn’t show. All the thoughts of how he & her could nip back to her flat for a steamy 5 minutes at lunch had got him all worked up. Trying to hide his embarrassing erection he slipped in through the side door and into the gents. Diving into the disabled cubicle he swiftly unbuttoned his trouser and let them drop to the floor. He began gently stroking himself when he heard someone come into the toilets, concerned they may hear the strange clicking noise his foreskin made as he built up speed he stopped sat down and waited. Edward was sure that he recognised the breathing pattern of the person who had just entered the toilet as that of fat Chris his old line manager. Chris if it was him then unleashed the worst smell into the toilets Edward had ever been exposed to along with what sounded like a torrent of soup being poured into a bowl from a medium height. No longer in the mood Edward buttoned up & left the toilets. Thirty minutes to kill before he had to go back to work.
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
If you want an honest opinion, read down a bit. If you want a polite answer, just read the next line:

Nice little story so far, amusing atleast.









Now the not so polite, honest opinion:




You sure you want to read it?




100% sure?



Well ok...

It looked like a fine piece of writing, a lot of characters that could be forgotten almost as soon as they appeared but still giving enough info on who they were so they weren't just a name.

It was amusing, everything worked...right up to this point:

"Trying to hide his embarrassing erection..."

Then it got a little tacky to my taste but this is just my opinion :D
 
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Rubric

Guest
Originally posted by old.Tohtori

It looked like a fine piece of writing, a lot of characters that could be forgotten almost as soon as they appeared but still giving enough info on who they were so they weren't just a name.

Is that good or bad?
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
It depends. If you want them to be characters that pop in, say "Zirglepong" and then zoom off to hunt a milkcarton then sure.

If on the other hand the large man in the toilet making whoopie is essential to the story, then it's good to give a bit more info.

Then, good to remember that giving info about an essential character is only essential when it becomes essential.

Example. I want Jeff to be essential to the story but i don't want people to know it yet:

Jeff popped into the office to deliver, as usual, coffee to Tonder. Tonder didn't drink coffee but he had too much fun watch the guy run around the office as he asked for more or less sugar, so why should he point it out. And surely enough, Jeff ran back to the kitchen after a short discussion with Jeff to get more cream to the coffee.

Now, Jeff is just a character that popped into the story and went poof again. No special character. Now i know Jeff is going to save Tonders life in chapter five but i'm keeping it a secret until then. So i keep Jeff as a minor part of the story. Then i can do this:

Tonder hit the ground as the Particlemissile rushed just inches away from his head. The reason Tonder had managed to duck a missile that was fired directly from behind him was Jeff. Tonder turned, spun, jumped and rolled behind a large rock before he noticed Jeff.

"Jeff?! What the hell are you doing on Neptunia 5?!"

"I've gone fishing."

"Wh..." Tonder ducked as a few trackerbullets hit the rock he was hiding behind before finishing his question.

"What?!"

"I've gone fishing. I left a note at the office: -Gone fishing.- " Jeff explained, while writing in the air to make a point.


Ok, now people know Jeff is a part of the story. See how it goes? Ofcourse this is just one way but..heck...i ain't no english teacher :D
 
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Rubric

Guest
So people know Geoff is part of the story if he is mentioned twice?
If i dont mention Fat Chris another time before he saves Edwards life the story is doomed?
 
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old.Tohtori

Guest
Originally posted by Rubric
So people know Geoff is part of the story if he is mentioned twice?
If i dont mention Fat Chris another time before he saves Edwards life the story is doomed?

Umm...no.

If you mention Geoff twice then he's still not part of the story. He's just Geoff. If you use him for a longer time in the story, like beating up Edward on the head with a fireextinguisher, then he becomes part of the story.

If you don't mention Fat Chris before the time he saves Edwards life then it becomes somewhat of a suprise element. It doesn't ruin the story, the story is ruined if it's crap. :p
 
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gengi

Guest
Originally posted by old.Tohtori
, the story is ruined if it's crap. :p

especially of the semi-solid variety.

er an example of misquoting, honest :rolleyes:

Later
 

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