Domestic Violence

[tris-]

before you start i know there is probably no 'qualified' people here to give advice on this but im going to ask for advice anyway.

a friend of mine at work is being physically abused by her boyfriend, almost daily. 3 days ago he picked her up by the neck and crushed her neck against a wall. she was left with bruising and lost her voice completley.
she is also hit maybe all the time. for example, he will go totally fucking mental if she wants to stay out with her work mates and so she has to go home every day and cant do anything. sometimes she will come and socialise after work, except she knows she will have to go home and be 'punished' for it. she lives an hour away from work. she would rather walk home than get the bus, just to delay the pain she will probably recieve when she gets home.
most of the time she is on the brink of tears and often talks of killing her self when she is really, really depressed.
moving out is not an option, her family are over the sea and she doesnt get paid enough to live on her own. she really is trapped there.
my friends and I talked about how we can tackle this.
one said "lets go round and bosh him up"
another said "one phone call and i can get him vanished without a trace"

im thinking boshing him up in his house may make the problem worse as he will assume she had something to do with it. getting him "vanished" maybe even worse. someone elses suggestion (who doesnt know her) was to "knock him up a bit when hes not in the house".

what i want to know is - what can i offer her to help? i dont think shed like to talk about it as she just bursts into tears. we already tryed the "speak to the police and escape to a womans home" but she wont have any of it.

:touch:

 

[Skyler]

Well the Police method is probably the best way of dealing with this.

Failing that you could try taking her in yourself for a while but again that really is no long term solution without involving the police.

 

[Jupitus]

The police are currently having a bit of a clampdown as far as I know, that would definitely be the way for her to deal with it. Talk her into it ..... gently

 

[Vae]

The police are clamping down on it to the extent that even if she was not willing to presss charges they can act and charge him anyway if they think there is sufficient cause. They've introduced this change because of the possibility that the boyfriend or whatever would have intimidated the woman so much she would be unwilling to press charges.

I think in theory if someone else makes the complaint to the police and says that they know she is being abused at home then they should investigate and get involved in the situation. If she's not willing to report him herself this may be the path for one of her good friends to take anyway.

 

[tris-]

yeh but we all know how crap the system is. once the guy is out of prison after getting his 1 year sentance for 9 months for cleaning the toilets, then to 4 months for getting a key stage 2 in english, then down to 1 day for licking the guards ass hole... he is gonna be out hunting for her. and bam she will get fucked up again.
i think this is why she is scared, because taking action is probably gonna end up with her being nearly dead again.

 

[Vae]

I think the reason they are toughening up their stance on dosmestic violence is because of perceptions like that. http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime/domesticviolence/

I really would suggest that getting her to speak to one of the help lines on that link is the best solution but if she's unwilling to help herself then tbh someone needs to help her and approach the police anyway and explain the situation.

You say that she is scared about taking action because she might end up nearly dead but she sounds like she's in that state anyway so maybe someone has to do something for her.

 

[Tom]

Option 1: Do nothing, miserable life, die early

Option 2: Get him nicked, freedom


I doubt he'd go chasing after her, unless he is the murderous type - and would she want to live with a murderer?

If you have your own place, let her know she can stay there, or at your other workmate's houses.

 

[tris-]

thing is, she is locked in their financially. she cannot pay to live on her own, its possible she could stay around someones house. i will try discuss that tomorrow.

 

[Brynn]

I *think* the government would put her up in a Womans Safety Place, as it sounds she is in severe danger.

 

[Dommers]

beat that fucker senseless imfo. all he deserves

 

[Tom]

thing is, she is locked in their financially. she cannot pay to live on her own, its possible she could stay around someones house. i will try discuss that tomorrow.

She married to him? No? Then she's not locked into anything. Mortgages can be changed.

 

[Escape]

Council housing agencies will give her high priority. It's worth contacting them first to find out how soon they can give her somewhere 'reasonable' to live.

Then see if she can claim 'low income' benefits to pay for the rent etc...
Find a solution for her to live independantly and you'll be getting somewhere!


Sending the boys over won't work, you might aswell beat her up yourself for all the good it will do!

He's only beating her because she depends on him and doesn't retaliate!
If she moves out, it'll break his confidence and he's not likely to persue for long. Unless he's crazy....

 

[DaGaffer]

thing is, she is locked in their financially. she cannot pay to live on her own, its possible she could stay around someones house. i will try discuss that tomorrow.

She needs to get out, and stay out. I know its really easy to say from the comfort of my PC that "its only money" but it is tbh. This kind of stuff won't get better, only worse. She needs to run, not walk as fast as she can. There are state mechanisms that can help her, but she can't be too proud not to stay in a shelter for a while. She can sort out the financial entanglements from a position of safety later. Unfortunately, sending round people to give this knut a good kicking probably won't work (other than from a sense of satisfaction pov) because the kind of people who do this shit are usually from a background where its considered 'normal' (I'll lay you strong odds that the twat's father teated his mother the same way) and they won't understand why they're getting beat up.

As you've not mentioned it, I assume there are no kids involved?

I don't know if you're going to be able to convince her - sadly it seems to be one of the hardest jobs to do, but she really needs to concentrate on the danger first and the financial situation second. I wish I could give you the words to convince her of that, but you're not going to find the words you need on here I'm afraid.

 

[tris-]

no kids. seems the hardest thing is making her know she needs help and to want it. it seems like she would rather stay in this situation (but obviously she doesnt).

 

[Tom]

She married to him? No? Then she's not locked into anything. Mortgages can be changed.

Sorry if that sounded a bit arsey, it wasn't meant to sound argumentative.

 

[TdC]

The police are currently having a bit of a clampdown as far as I know, that would definitely be the way for her to deal with it. Talk her into it ..... gently

as much as I would love to thrash the bloke to within an inch of death... I concur with Jup. remember that nobody is ever tied in to anything, but people will often believe that they are when all seems lost. this is *not* true.

also, and I mean this in the best possible way, remember that things are not always as they seem on the surface. I'd be very cautious getting involved in a situation such as you describe.

 

[gmloki]

I have seen domestic violence from a very early age with my Dad on my Mum and Step Sister. Beatings for no apparent reason, threats, Strangling, sexual degredation. Thing is over time they only get worse. The only way to end it is for your freind to find the strenght and courage to say "I'm better than this" Leave the keys on the mantle piece or whatever and walk out. No ammount of police intervention will stop this. Once a Bully always a Bully. The longer she lets it go on the harder it is for her to walk away and then it might be too late.

 

[Damini]

You can't personally do anything. It's more than financial ties that keep her there, as there isn't enough money in the world to pay for that kind of treatment. The best thing you can do is talk, and listen, and offer advice but please don't get frustrated when she doesn't take it. The most dangerous situation for a person like her is when they have nobody left to talk to, and nowhere left to go - because that's when they give up, when they stop even putting up their arms to defend themselves. These wheels turn slowly, and it will probably be months, maybe years before she gets out - will you have the patience to put up with watching her bruised and making excuses for why she hasn't left until then? Because, if you want to help, that's what you'll have to do, and trust me, bad as it sounds, its hard as hell.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/hh/links.shtml

Print that page off, get her to read it at work, and leave it at work. There are lots of useful contact details there.

The police ARE being a lot more proactive about this now, and they will prosecute without her consent, but if she is not ready to leave him, then you don't need to worry about him finding her after the case - she would find him.

Best thing you can do is talk to her, and listen. I can almost guarantee you that if you went and roughed this guy up, then she would hate you for it and worry about him. These things are more complicated than a bag of rubix cubes.

 

[old.Tohtori]

Or...just a thought....let her crash at your place while she gets on her feet. Main thing being on getting her out of being a punching bag.

I'd do it. (not just saying, no problem for me) Then again i'm a bit bi-ass when it comes to abuse of animal/women/children.

 

[Calaen]

I can only echo what other people have said, only she can make the decision to leave the waste of space that is her boyfriend.

My mother was a victim of this when I was growing up and my sister and the majority of her friends have the special ability of being able to go out with the morons that feel the need to beat them up.

You can only be there whenever she needs you and that is the best thing you could possibly do.

 

[tankgirl_ni]

get in contact with a woman's refuge centre there should be one nearby that can help. check out www.womensaid.org.uk or www.refuge.org.uk
she needs to leave him there's no doubting that but she has to want to leave, no one else can force her. she has to find the courage to just do it and not making excuses to stay through fear. like being tied down by money. it's only money. you need to explain to her that money counts for nothing in this situation. what matters is her physical and emotional wellbeing.

 

[Uncle Sick]

Props to Tris - hard to find anyone who cares about others these days.





















I'd beat him up, personally.




















And then call the cops.

 

[~Yuckfou~]

She must move out. Surely she can stay with you or another friend in the short term? That gives her breathing room to talk to the correct authorities to get sorted.

 

[Scouse]

Option 1: Do nothing, miserable life, die early

Option 2: Get him nicked, freedom


I doubt he'd go chasing after her, unless he is the murderous type - and would she want to live with a murderer?

If you have your own place, let her know she can stay there, or at your other workmate's houses.

It's always handy to know that if I'm not about Tom can provide my answer for me

Anyway - if she does decide to stay round yours/anywhere else - she mustn't speak to him. He'll give her all the spiel about how he'll change/get counselling etc and she'd prolly have him back...

 

[nath]

From knowing absolutely fuck all about this situation - it seems like Damini is making a lot of sense. Being bullied is a two way process - I in no way mean that she's at fault, it's just a state of mind/psychology thing. As Dam said, don't push her too hard - it'll probably drive her away. Just be available.

That said, I watched Sin City today. If you're planning on roughing him up, there's plenty of creative/sadistic ideas in that.

 

[Wazzerphuk]

Sounds like she needs a good kicking in, to show her that complaining just isn't on.












(Sorry)

 

[Stazbumpa]

I couldn't be a copper mainly because of this exact situation. My first call to a domestic violence incident would probably end up with the cock end husband being led quietly into the front room for a quick chat to Mr Night-stick.

Guys that are in for this sort of thing where I work tend to keep VERY quiet about it. They are generally viewed as only being slightly better than nonces.

Anyway, she needs to get out. Staying with him is all in her head, nobody HAS to stay with anybody at all, ever. From the sounds of it this has gone on for rather too long than is healthy, if she doesn't do something about it now then she will wind up as another dead woman because of a fucking cock end boyfriend that really needs a fucking good kicking.

She has no alternative other than to leave him now, and this fact needs raising with her. She has to get out of the mind set that says shes better off staying.

 

[tris-]

update -
after lots of shit taking from her boy friend and talkin to me, shes finally done the right thing.
me and my mate invited her round his house for some good ol tokin, she said ok but lemme phone my boyfriend. convo goes a little like this -
her - i wont be back till 11pm
him - (lots of swearing and name calling) if you do i will fuckin strangle you all your mates. you and me wil be over and you can live on the fuckin street
her - well if i come back now your just gonna be the same aint ya
him - who knows, why dont you fucking try it
at this point he went on swearing blah blah

some girls behind her could over hear and said "who the fuck is that, i wouldnt let ANYONE talk to me like that).
her - fine fuck ya then, im not taking anymore shit off you. im not gonna be scared to come home anymore. if i wanna go out with my mates then i fucking well will and you wont be controlling me anymore.

she hung up, we called lol'd at his threat to kill us and she got a big congratulations.

so she is coming out, she isnt scared anymore. she is goin home, we are getting a police escort to take her inside the house and get him arrested.

so i just wanna say thanks to yas for helpin, as you can see youve helped changed someones life for the best

 

[Tilda]

Win!

Hope everything goes ok

 

[Wazzerphuk]

That's good news.




















Now backhand her for being a grass