Depression

[old.user4556]

Ok, so i turn to the virtual Oprah Winfrey show yet again that is Freddyshouse. I understand there is a raft of websites to deal with this, but there is a lot of self loathing going on and I know that there was a thread about this before, possibly on Barrysworld so someone might be able to share some musings.

Basically, someone close to me is exhibiting symptoms that have me quite worried and i'm not sure really what to do. The worst part is they simply do not want to talk about it, citing that they are "not a talker" and prefer to just gloss over it. They've opened up a little bit, explaining that they're just "not that happy just now" for little reasons. The tears flow along with it. They binge eat, they isolate themselves, they're not seeing their friends, they're not sleeping at night which leads to gross fatigue during the day, but then not sleeping the following night? Seems a horrible catch 22. This person also blows hot and cold, sometimes they're bubbly and chatty but the following day can the complete opposite, almost as if someone has flicked a switch - it's like a completely different person the next day. Phone calls stop, replying to text messages cease.

They also seem to be totally unable to commit to activities, everything is "yeah might be", or "possibly". It makes it so hard to make arrangements with this person, or arrange social outings because everything in their life has to happen spontaneously or at a knee jerk, or even on a total irrational whim.

I know it sounds fucked up, but there is clearly something not right. I just wonder if the unhappiness coupled with other odd things is a sign of underlying depression, which this person's mother and grandmother both suffer from.

 

[Will]

Is it a man or a woman?

 

[old.user4556]

It's a woman.

 

[Will]

Ah, thats a bit more difficult. Guys tend to respond to distractions, whereas woman seem to respond more to empathy.

If its that bad, I think you are looking at suggesting they see the doc tbh. If they don't want to go for depression, then maybe the sleeping problem would be a good excuse to send them?

 

[Skyler]

Be patient and try to encourage them slowly to change a little.

Some people just can't talk openly about things, with time it usually gets a bit easier but still not everyone will say everything they feel, there is such a thing as stuff hurting too much to think about let alone talk about.

Try and shape them subtly into changing the way they are, cook her a meal that isn't bingey, do something with her that she likes but can't really say no to, generally try and be a friend and help by just being around, if she ends up being comfortable enough to talk about some things through that then good, you may be able to help more. Sometimes just being patient and listening or talking about your own life/problems is enough to make someone feel a bit more relaxed or less stressed in that situation.

I don't really believe depression can be diagnosed as such, it's not really an illness that can be cured, it's a state of mind and while it is every bit as important as an illness, it isn't so black and white.

I don't think suggesting to see a doctor will do any good, she will most likely see it as a huge wall to get over to do that and once it's started there is no getting back over the wall and safe. I think it's far better to be a patient friend and offer as much as she will take from you than to usher her off to doctors

 

[Will]

It depends a lot on your doctor I think. My old doctor was shit when I had anxiety problems, just gave me tablets and got rid of me. After I moved, my new doctor sent me to CBT, and I've been great ever since, no more betablockers.

 

[Fana]

I just wonder if the unhappiness coupled with other odd things is a sign of underlying depression, which this person's mother and grandmother both suffer from.

It sure sounds like it, and i recognize all the symptoms from myself when i was at my worst - i believe most depressed people have short burst of manic energy as well, so that she is bubbly and reaches out now and then doesnt mean she isnt suffering depression. As has been said, the best you can do it to show you care about her, how you do that naturally depends on who she is and what your relationship is. You should ofc watch out so that she doesnt feel she becomes a burden for you though - when you are depressed you will often feel that you arent worth the energy others "waste" on you and that they will end up hating you for messing up their lives in turn etc.

At the end of the day the only one that can really help a depressed person is the person herself, but friends can make it alot easier by showing support and understanding (and sometimes alot of insistence to jumpstart you - its a hard balancing act).

 

[dysfunction]

They may well be bi-polar in which case they need to take drugs to help sort them out...

 

[mank!]

Take them outside and shoot 'em. You know it makes sense.

In seriousness, from personal experience one of the simplest yet most effective ways to help is to just make it clear that you're there if needed. If she really wants to open up she will and it's fairly likely that she will do so eventually. It helps to have someone to talk to that can empathise with the situation as well.

Medication and therapy can help a great deal, I was a fucking wreck a couple of years ago but now I'm fine and dandy and all that jazz.

 

[nath]

That's a good point, going from miserable to manic is a symptom of bi-polar (aka manic depression). It's pretty serious but also treatable/manageable. That said, there's no way you or anyone here could diagnose that. Probably best to try and convince her to see a doctor - as Will said, perhaps using the sleep thing to suggest it.

 

[Gumbo]

It depends a lot on your doctor I think. My old doctor was shit when I had anxiety problems, just gave me tablets and got rid of me. After I moved, my new doctor sent me to CBT, and I've been great ever since, no more betablockers.

Your doc sent you for a bike test?

 

[old.Tohtori]

Why do people seem to want to change everyone into these stereotypical, outgoing, chippery motherf*ckers?

How about living on the "wim" of things is good? How about not giving a f*ck about social planning?

I'd say, leave her live her life and stop before you become like american f*ckwits with their "we need an intervention!"

Oh and i understand she's your friend, and you "saw her as different"...but i bet you haven't watched and waited for a while, but want to take action right away.

People have low spots, it's life.

 

[old.user4556]

No, this has gone on for quite some time.

It's not a case of trying to change her, she is the way she is. It's more a case of a lot of worrying behaviour, crying, admitting to being unhappy, the lack of sleep almost stopping her from getting to work. It really doesn't look too good, and it's hard to deal with from the outside watching someone you care about in a downward spiral.

 

[tris-]

Why do people seem to want to change everyone into these stereotypical, outgoing, chippery motherf*ckers?

How about living on the "wim" of things is good? How about not giving a f*ck about social planning?

I'd say, leave her live her life and stop before you become like american f*ckwits with their "we need an intervention!"

Oh and i understand she's your friend, and you "saw her as different"...but i bet you haven't watched and waited for a while, but want to take action right away.

People have low spots, it's life.

i think you missed the explanation he gave

 

[rynnor]

it's hard to deal with from the outside watching someone you care about in a downward spiral.

Aye, the big thing to remember is that you cannot 'fix' someone else - they have to do it by themself - no doubt when you met her she was happy and this would overcome the depression for a few months but after that reality would re-assert itself.

You just have to be extremely patient with her if you really want to help - I would also advise exercise - it promotes decent sleep patterns and also helps stabilise mood.

 

[old.user4556]

That is very true and she says that she need to "fix it on her own". She does put on a front with people she doesn't know, this happy front as if everything is ok, but when that dies down or it's just the two of us, then she slips again.

 

[Will]

Your doc sent you for a bike test?

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Though I wonder if a bike test would have worked...

 

[old.Tohtori]

i think you missed the explanation he gave

True...did. My bad.

Well, the b*tch about that thing still is that if someone doesn't want to change, can't do sh*t about it.

Can't really force anything on someone, even if the behaviour is a bit "risky".

 

[nath]

Tell you what, if you're *really* concerned - talk to your doctor/someone qualified and ask them what you think you should do. I expect they're in a much better position to advise you than anyone here is.

 

[Trem]

I'm on pills at the moment, got to go back tomorrow to see how my brain is. I can breathe better now (sometimes) but everything else seems blurry so I reckon not being able to breathe deeply may be the way to go.

I once had therapy but I got more depressed and angry because she kept looking at her watch, why the fuck don't they just have a big clock on the wall behind the patient.

 

[mycenae]

councilling/CBT any kind of 'talking to a professional' is only ever going to work if that person wants to do it. I was sent to councilling when i was small and refused to even open my mouth!
If you want to be a good friend, like others have said, just made sure she knows you're there for her. Sometimes, somone consistently trying to ask if you're ok, or to get you to open up, or to go and see someone, is more harm than good, as sometimes, they literally do just want to forget about it.......

IF, and thats a big IF, she is Bi-polar, then medication will help, but she'll have to go through counselling to be diagnosed to even get it......

 

[Potato Junkie]

Basically, someone close to me is exhibiting symptoms that have me quite worried and i'm not sure really what to do. The worst part is they simply do not want to talk about it, citing that they are "not a talker" and prefer to just gloss over it. They've opened up a little bit, explaining that they're just "not that happy just now" for little reasons. The tears flow along with it. They binge eat, they isolate themselves, they're not seeing their friends, they're not sleeping at night which leads to gross fatigue during the day, but then not sleeping the following night? Seems a horrible catch 22. This person also blows hot and cold, sometimes they're bubbly and chatty but the following day can the complete opposite, almost as if someone has flicked a switch - it's like a completely different person the next day. Phone calls stop, replying to text messages cease.

They also seem to be totally unable to commit to activities, everything is "yeah might be", or "possibly". It makes it so hard to make arrangements with this person, or arrange social outings because everything in their life has to happen spontaneously or at a knee jerk, or even on a total irrational whim.

I know it sounds fucked up, but there is clearly something not right. I just wonder if the unhappiness coupled with other odd things is a sign of underlying depression, which this person's mother and grandmother both suffer from.

It may be clinical depression, and I'd actually be quite encouraged by the fact that she seems to open up to you, but try talking to her and asking her to talk to a professional? (not just take drugs from a GP) there's lots of therapy nowadays to help, CBT being just one

The fact that they can't commit to certain things, is because of their changeability (no, it doesn't make them bi-polar, sometimes it's another weird facet of depression) the hereditary aspect makes it more worrying imo... most of this shite is manageable (if not curable) but you need to take it to the professionals, soonest done

and hey, some people don't understand the difference between 'oo I'm depressed' (ie a bit fed up) and the actual diagnosis.. yr mate sounds like she needs help, all the best luck to her and you

 

[NikonL]

It isn't easy. I know someone that suffers (has been diagnosed) with depression. She sees a therapist and she is doing much better these days. She used to be able to do absolutely nothing except sit in bed and cry. And while you may think that's funny and "emo", when you stop to think about it it's actually horrible. Imagine feeling so much grief that you could barely move, but also not have a focus for the emotion.. It would be horrible. And it's pretty heartbreaking for me to hear about what she went through because i care about her a lot.

Even though she is better now, it's still very difficult. She will occasionaly just become sad/depressed for no reason, and there is honestly nothing i can do about it. I know it's tempting to think that an intelligent person could sit there with her and talk to her, and give her some inspirational pep talks or something to sort her out, but the reality is that they never work.

I find this especially hard to deal with, because I have an inbuilt desire to protect girls. (all people actually, but girls i care about most of all). It's probably due to an inbuilt sexism problem on my part, but anyway. Every time she gets sad, I hate it, because there is literally nothing I can do to make it better. I've talked to her about it, and she's told me that all she needs me to do is be there for her and support her. Which I can understand. I am still left with the horrible feeling that I'm failing her though, or (slightly more selfishly) that some other guy will come along who CAN help her, and that will make me feel pretty useless. Even though I'd be pleased she was getting better, I'd be sad to lose her.

In the end, I've found the best way to deal with it is not to acknowledge it. If you sense that she is depressed, don't suddenly flash loads of attention on it and start saying "you're being depressed, i'll help you try and feel better". Instead just chat about your day, and try to be upbeat (if you're having a bad day, don't start whining to her about it, chose someone else). And subtly make sure that she know's you're there for her.

In your case, you really do need to get her to see a doctor though. I'll ask the girl i know what finally convinced her to go and see a doctor, when i talk to her this evening, and then hopefully that will help you convince your friend.

You and I have such similar problems 0_o i occasionally wonder if we're talking about the same girl. That would be awkward.

 

[Xtro]

Skim read this thread but I'm used to CBT meaning Cock and Ball Torture. Surely that can't be being diagnosed for depression these days

 

[Will]

I'm pretty sure I'd remember if the doctor gave me that. She's quite fit.

 

[NikonL]

Skim read this thread but I'm used to CBT meaning Cock and Ball Torture. Surely that can't be being diagnosed for depression these days

! So thats why everyone is dressing up in black and pretending to be depressed these days. It's all some S&M thing.

 

[mycenae]

CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.....

 

[TdC]

you don't say

 

[tris-]

i thought it was the license for riding a scooter thingy

 

[Will]

Gumbo already did that joke.