Was bored and came across these, funny as hell 
Enjoy! Clarkson for PM!
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a *beep* it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in
1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with
Germany"
"America: 250 million w*****s living in a country with no word for w****r"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a
semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's
bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league
of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and
that he long before anyone
else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and
organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian
transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what
gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you
through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was
Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravanning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you
aren't allowed to play
ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within
two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday,
it's a concentration
camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not
that that's much to shout
about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the
sexually transmitted
diseases.
(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
painful to actually hit the
tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"
Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax
and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
reader who wrote, 'I was
riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of
the window, Jeremy
Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get
a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating Nazi"
"Britain’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair
access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
air for 6seconds and it
does what Ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit
dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr.
Mandela why don't you go
and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents
voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the
show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a
firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very
important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as
having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The
problem with this car is its
gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it
on sale, and then found
out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory
complaining about how
dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on
the LSD trip that gave
us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart.
now why didn’t you spot
that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the
phone, doing the
paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going
to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a
murderer."
"I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be
on my plate at supper
time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's
like making a hard core
adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.
You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
like, as a librarian with
a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
stringfellows tonight, ill get
my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a woman!"
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so
here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
in the same way, I
guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has
the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
Enjoy! Clarkson for PM!"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a *beep* it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
....."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in
1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with
Germany"
"America: 250 million w*****s living in a country with no word for w****r"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera...
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a
semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's
bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s"
and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league
of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and
that he long before anyone
else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and
organs............all we
know, is that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian
transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what
gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you
through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was
Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravanning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you
aren't allowed to play
ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within
two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday,
it's a concentration
camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not
that that's much to shout
about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the
sexually transmitted
diseases.
(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
painful to actually hit the
tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"
Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax
and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough
to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a
reader who wrote, 'I was
riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of
the window, Jeremy
Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get
a car you hatchet
faced, leaf-eating Nazi"
"Britain’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair
access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the
air for 6seconds and it
does what Ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit
dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr.
Mandela why don't you go
and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents
voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the
show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise:
"This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a
firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very
important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as
having a whole American
sitting on the tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The
problem with this car is its
gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it
on sale, and then found
out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory
complaining about how
dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on
the LSD trip that gave
us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart.
now why didn’t you spot
that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the
phone, doing the
paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going
to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a
murderer."
"I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be
on my plate at supper
time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's
like making a hard core
adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.
You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you
like, as a librarian with
a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
stringfellows tonight, ill get
my mum to give me a lapdance, she’s a woman!"
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so
here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
in the same way, I
guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has
the sex appeal of a camel
with gingivitis."
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne!
so nice to see someone who will say stuff and not instantly apologise for it like all the pussies on tv do now for fear of being branded UnPC
